That book absolutely turned my marriage around!

 

A lot of the article is missing...maybe this part is missing too...but...

Where the heck is the part where HE started doing something nice for HER to help their marriage?

Why is it the WOMAN'S responsibility, while the guy just sits back and says "it's about time?????"

I find this VERY offensive.

Obviously, somebody needs to make the first move. Might as well be the wife. Sure. But where is the book entitled "Created to be HER help meet?" If there were one, would any guy bother to read it?

 

A lot of the article is missing...maybe this part is missing too...but...

Where the heck is the part where HE started doing something nice for HER to help their marriage?

Why is it the WOMAN'S responsibility, while the guy just sits back and says "it's about time?????"

I find this VERY offensive.

Obviously, somebody needs to make the first move. Might as well be the wife. Sure. But where is the book entitled "Created to be HER help meet?" If there were one, would any guy bother to read it?

Because they weren't created to be HER helpmeet.

Look. You can only control your own actions. So, if it makes you happy to be miserable until your husband behaves as you tell him, be miserable. That's your choice. Or. You can choose to be happy and respectful to your husband, and he'll respond in kind.

RedTartan

 

That book absolutely turned my marriage around!

I can't wait to read it! I ordered it for myself as a Mother's Day treat. I've been wanting it since it was published but I'm one of those women that don't buy things for themselves.

RedTartan

 

A lot of the article is missing...maybe this part is missing too...but...

Where the heck is the part where HE started doing something nice for HER to help their marriage?

Why is it the WOMAN'S responsibility, while the guy just sits back and says "it's about time?????"

I find this VERY offensive.

Obviously, somebody needs to make the first move. Might as well be the wife. Sure. But where is the book entitled "Created to be HER help meet?" If there were one, would any guy bother to read it?

Only one paragraph is missing and it dealt with her husband picking up the book and reading some of it too.

I don't know how you feel about Dr. Laura Shlessinger (people tend to either lover her or hate her LOL), but she says something about marriage that I believe is true.

She says that men (speaking in generalities), are really very easy to please in a marriage. If they have a warm meal, a dry bed and a willing, loving partner, they don't often ask for more. She says that WOMEN are now, and always have been in CONTROL of the happiness of a relationship. They can CHOOSE to love, honor, cherish and nurture a marriage, or they can CHOOSE to cause conflict and tension. Personally, I have been married three times (ahem) and I can say that MY experience bears this out. In each case I have CHOSEN how the marriage went. Unfortunately, I was not willing to give up my own wants and desires in the first two marriages to keep them thriving. However, I have learned my lessons now. No, I don't always get my way - in fact I don't OFTEN get my way. I have to constantly compromise what I want, and how I think things should be in favor of what my husband wants and the way that he thinks things should be. But I have learned to do this with honor and with love so it doesn't bother me to do it. In fact, I do it eagerly - passionately.

As with any important endeavor, often the path is not an easy one. But in the long run, when all is said and done - it is definitely worth it.

YMMV

donsgal

 

Thank you for posting the article and for the link to the website. My marriage is healing, but it still has a long way to go. Maybe this will help?? :shrug:

 

Where the heck is the part where HE started doing something nice for HER to help their marriage?

Why is it the WOMAN'S responsibility, while the guy just sits back and says "it's about time?????"

I find this VERY offensive.

Obviously, somebody needs to make the first move. Might as well be the wife. Sure. But where is the book entitled "Created to be HER help meet?" If there were one, would any guy bother to read it?

Amen. Reminds me too much of this http://www.j-walk.com/other/goodwife/index.htm

I'm sure it works for some, obviously for one. But honestly in todays world with more self confident and independent women how this would actually apply I'd like to know. I feel a lot of certain publications really brainwash women into the 'good wive's club.' Marriage is a partnership, it takes two to make or break. I hope it helps someone but it gives me the shivers. No way no how for me would I ever be treated like that and then try to resolve my marrital issues by being a dutiful housewife.

 

Only one paragraph is missing and it dealt with her husband picking up the book and reading some of it too.

I don't know how you feel about Dr. Laura Shlessinger (people tend to either lover her or hate her LOL), but she says something about marriage that I believe is true.

She says that men (speaking in generalities), are really very easy to please in a marriage. If they have a warm meal, a dry bed and a willing, loving partner, they don't often ask for more. She says that WOMEN are now, and always have been in CONTROL of the happiness of a relationship. They can CHOOSE to love, honor, cherish and nurture a marriage, or they can CHOOSE to cause conflict and tension. Personally, I have been married three times (ahem) and I can say that MY experience bears this out. In each case I have CHOSEN how the marriage went. Unfortunately, I was not willing to give up my own wants and desires in the first two marriages to keep them thriving. However, I have learned my lessons now. No, I don't always get my way - in fact I don't OFTEN get my way. I have to constantly compromise what I want, and how I think things should be in favor of what my husband wants and the way that he thinks things should be. But I have learned to do this with honor and with love so it doesn't bother me to do it. In fact, I do it eagerly - passionately.

As with any important endeavor, often the path is not an easy one. But in the long run, when all is said and done - it is definitely worth it.

YMMV

donsgal

I am so glad you posted this too! :bow: I just purchased 2 of Dr. Laura's books. I completely agree with what you have written as well.

 

Keep sweet, donsgal.

I'm not sure I'm inclined to take marital advice from someone who's been divorced twice. Practice makes perfect, I guess.

 

A large part of our Men's Ministry is targeted at the man doing "everything" while the woman does "nothing". These terms (words) do nothing to help move the situation ahead.

When only one person is trying, less progress is made, but that one person grows and the other might notice a change and decide to change as well. The "right" thing to do (how to act toward your spouse) doesn't change based on what they are doing... that is, there is a "right way" to act toward your spouse, regardless their response. We each get far too caught up in statements like, "Well, if HE tried a little I would make a bigger effort", or, "If he was worthy of respect I would respect him more", or, "If she were lovable at all, I would act loving toward her".

You can only control your own actions. Change because you want to and know the right way to act. If your spouse responds, AWESOME! If not, you are already richer for having changed; regardless your gender.

Just my $0.02,

R

 

Keep sweet, donsgal.

I'm not sure I'm inclined to take marital advice from someone who's been divorced twice. Practice makes perfect, I guess.

Or not.

Why would anyone marry someone who didn't respect you in the first place? Not to put too fine a point on it, but: duh.

 

Keep sweet, donsgal.

I'm not sure I'm inclined to take marital advice from someone who's been divorced twice. Practice makes perfect, I guess.

A long, long way from perfect LOL. But like riding a bicycle or learning to roller skate, sometimes you have to take a few falls before you understand how it works. I'm just so thankful that I learned before I messed up this marriage too! If I wasn't a Godless heathen (sort of), I'd be thanking "somebody" for the enlightenment and second (make that third) chance at happiness in marriage.

donsgal

 

I thought she meant Dr. Laura! Isn't she divorced at least once?

Plenty of people get it right the first time, BTW. There really is no need to have a miserable marriage in order to get to a good one.

 

Debi Pearl makes me ill. I really don't understand how anyone can read the tripe she espouses as gospel and not see her... well, evilness. She's either stupidor just plain cruel, I can't decide which.

 

I thought she meant Dr. Laura! Isn't she divorced at least once?

Plenty of people get it right the first time, BTW. There really is no need to have a miserable marriage in order to get to a good one.

Yep! She sure did. AND she had an affair (with her present hubby) while she was still married to the last one *and* she "shacked up" with him before they were married. Does that make her a hyprocrite? Probably. Does it mean that the advice she gives isn't valid and wise? NOPE!

Lots of people make mistakes. And yes, she criticizes and "looks down on" people who do the exact same thing that she did! LOL It's ok, I forgive her. She dispenses good advice and writes books that help a lot of people. Nobody is perfect and nobody has a past that isn't free of a few skeletons in their closet. What matters is TODAY because that is all we really, truly have.

donsgal

 

What I want to know is what she means by "Women have lost their way" according to her introduction to her book and companion pieces.

Makes me glad to have a great marriage and a husband who does not fall into the categories above. I don't like the word CONTROL being used in a marriage. I joke that I have control all the time, but when it boils down to it it is two people making decisions on the outcome of their lives. CONTROL on any levle (emotional etc) to me is where things go wrong.

 

Debi Pearl makes me ill. I really don't understand how anyone can read the tripe she espouses as gospel and not see her... well, evilness. She's either stupidor just plain cruel, I can't decide which.

I would be interested in hearing more about your point of view. Like I said, I have read this magazine for about a year now, and I assume that they are the publishers. All of the articles seem to be very upbeat and positive, especially those about raising children, always encouraging them to be strong and independent! They seem to use a lot of scriptural references so I assume that their philosophy is biblical in nature, which should not be objectionable to folks here. I have never read anything that was NOT fantastically positive and helpful and loving and kind, so please, tell me what you mean because maybe I am missing something important. Since I am recommending these folks, I certainly would like to know!

(p.s. well, I do have a bit of a gripe with their missionary philosophy, but that is a personal issue and not one that I think is considered objectionable by most people of faith).

donsgal

 

Sometimes you have to make the choice of whether to seek fairness or whether to seek happiness. In my 24 years of marriage to the same man, it has rarely been 50/50. It is usually around 60/40, and on really bad occasions, 95/5. But it continues to vary who is on which end of the percentage. Sometimes I am the cranky, needy one. Sometimes dh is. But because we love each other and are fully committed to our marriage, we continue to work at it.

So often, the same people who would allow a mistreated rescue pet all sorts of leeway for their suspicious and negative behaviors won't give the same grace to a spouse. The fact is that very few of us have reached adulthood unscathed by life. We have been hurt, disillusioned, and kicked around. No wonder so many of us bring such bad habits into our marriages. But going back to the pet analogy, if someone extends to us heaps of kindness, forgiveness for when we lash out due to old hurts, takes care of our needs, and showers us with consideration and attention, many of us will blossom into wonderful and loving mates.

It takes a huge amount of courage to be the one who, despite all the wrongs done, will make the sacrifice to seek happiness. Such actions are rewarded, whether or not the other person changes, in increased self esteem and the feeling of doing what we know is right--treating our spouse honorably whether they deserve it or not. You have set an inspiring example.

 

Being yet another Godless Heathen, and married to a Godless Heathen for *cough, cough, cough, couple 'o decades, cough, cough, cough*...my DH read some of Pearl's stuff, as he tends to read all the marriage advice things he can find.

Then, he gave it to me as an example of "what not to become".

We once had a talk about "Helpmeet" things, and he told me straight out, "I don't WANT a wife that is subservient to me, that serves me, that strokes my ego. I want a *partner*...someone who is right there beside me, equal in all things. I'm a moody [expletive deleted], and I want my wife to stand up to me and tell me straight out when I am being a [expletive deleted]. So, if you want to make me happy, stay the strong, opinionated, stubborn, headstrong woman that you are, and don't ever believe any of this [expletive deleted]."

So perhaps Ms. Pearl's and Dr. Laura's stuff works for some people. *shrugs* I have a good, strong marriage...and I know my husband races home to me because he'd rather spend time at my side than any place else in the world. If I followed their advice, I'd have an unhappy husband who didn't want to be around me.

Peace,
Caliann

 

I hate that term "helpmeet" - been thrown in my face 13 years too many.!

Angie

 

I'm delighted to be my hubby's helpmeet *shrug* It's a positive thing to me.

Of course every marriage will require different things - my hubby is the kind that needs a 'helpmeet' kinda gal-but I totally respect there's marriages where that's not the case!

 

First, I will admit I did not read ALL of the posts, but would like to comment anyway.
I have only been married for 5 years (my first marriage, his second). However, we are HAPPILY married. Is it perfect? Of coarse not. Do I always get what I want? Hardly. But the fact IS you can only control what you do. When you DECIDE, I mean TRULY DECIDE, that your marriage is to work, can you even hope to have a happy marriage.
In making this decision, like many other decisions in life, you also must sacrifice.
Often, in marriage, a woman has to sacrifice her wants and sometimes needs. It is the nature of a man to have very little insight (sorry guys). However, if she truly loves her husband, then she can trust him to be a good steward of her faith and love for him. (She is the nurturer, he the protector). If you don't have that trust, you never should have gotten married to begin with.
However, I also believe, in life, clarity is not always ours. Some times we make bad decisions. Sometimes we trust those we should not. Sometimes, our insight is clouded. Sometimes we marry someone who is not a good steward of our love and trust.
For example, I don't care how much I have sacrificed, committed or otherwise, if my husband lies to me, or cheats on me, it WILL make me seriously rethink my commitment to and trust in him. Occasionally we are forced to re-evaluate our choices.
So, in many respects, I guess I agree with both sides. You can have a MAJOR impact on the coarse of a marriage just by deciding to make it work, and other times, the crime against the marriage itself is just too serious an offense to be overcome.
In the end, nothing is truer than the statement "the only person you control is yourself". If you can come to terms with that, you have a much better chance at a successful marriage.
We will see how this works for me in 10 or 20 years. Hopefully good!

 

There is an author who's first name is Stormy... Sorry I can't remember her last name. Anywho... She writes "the Power of a praying wife" and "power of a praying husband". The gist is that by changing things about yourself, you can change others.

Lots of women gripe about the faults in their DH yet the more they gripe the more the DH withdraws and is 'difficult" for their wives. If the wife stops griping at him and shows hime the way to behave he will be more inclined to change his behavior. It is like dealing w/ mules the more you try to beat them to go in a direction the more they will set down and not move.

The word "he always and he never" are also destructive to the marriage. Until the blame words stop there will be friction. I believe that most marriages fail because one or both partners are selfish. When you can stop seeing the "I" in everything, EVERY marriage will be handicapped.

I do think that some marriages can't be saved and that is too bad. The signs were there before the marriage, were overlooked and the marriage should have never happened in the first place.

I am all for female power, but relize that some of the most powerfull people use gentle words and actions to get their point across. A little womanly wiles can go a long way to getting a more happy home. Honey does get more flies than vinegar.

 

O'Martian

www.stormieomartian.com

oh, ladies... sorry, NOW I see the all caps "ladies" on the original post. As you were... exiting now... <slink> <slink>

R

 

As a guy (and I haven't read the book), I'm somewhat insulted that the woman is to turn herself into a slave - just for the happiness of her marriage to show up.

Maybe that is what some men want, but the last time I checked, marriage is a partnership between TWO people, not just one.

I want a woman that has a voice in our marriage, not one where I determine what is "best" for us. And by the way, I've been happily married for almost 18 years.

Wow! :shrug: So much for women's lib.