I have no advice. sometimes that's a difficult age, cause kids can be sooo cruel! I can only offer big ((HUGS)), and hope that it all changes for the better very soon. poor girl...if I were there, I'd be showing those bullies a thing or two! lol nobody picks on our girl!

 

Is the teacher aware that you are concerned and think there is a problem? Can she shed light on what she is seeing in the classroom? You might approach the teacher and ta about the "situation". I have found that approaching them as if you are really at a loss (hard to do when you don't care for the attitude of someone, but puts them on your side) will make them examine the situation a little closer.

To be honest, from what you have provided, to me it sounds like there is a problem with the classroom management. I understand the kids will be kids theory and everyone gets bullied, etc. However in this case it sounds like those theories are accepted and being reinforced in the classroom by either the teacher and/ or the ta. Can you think of any times that the "pecking order" is being reinforced by the teacher/ta?

I know that none of this addresses your question of how to immediately help her self-esteem however, it may be a starting place to find out what is causing the situation to occur in the classroom, since it sound like that is where the problem is.

 

Thank you both - mamita I am having to fight it back os hard not to go flying down there LOL

r93000 - I haven't approached the teacher with it yet - at parent's evening I mentioned that DD wasn't totally at ease with the other kids and that it worried her when they were "unkind". She acknowledged it but didn't take it further which I hoped she might.

I really am not sure about how the teacher deas with things. The other day I collected one of the kids to take her to Brownies with DD and the first thing she said was "D is always really slow at school - Mrs D says so" - not that she is behind on school work - she is actually a loooonnng way ahead, but she is perfectionist and so things like colouring take her a long time? And the other kids are allowed to chime in and chase her if she is "being slow"

So I guess things like that probably aren't helping. I guess another visit to school is on the cards

hoggie

 

When my son was in kindergarten, a girl in his class was pusihng smaller kids around. He wanted me to drive hubby's "big truck" to school and beat her up! I was class mom, so all the kids in the class knew me. He stood up to her and she quit bullying smaller kids (and they became friends)

Anyway, your daughter needs to stand up for herself. It amazes me that some people will defend other people, but not themselves! Ask your daughter if she would sit by quietly while these kids bullied a three year old. She would most likely say that she would defend the smaller child. Ask why shy would defend a small child, but not herself? Tell her that she needs to stand up for herself, because you can't always be there.

This is a life lesson that we all must learn in the process of growing up. She also should make friends with other kids that are at the bottom of the food chain there. A single kid is an easy target. A group, not so much!

 

hmm - a little while ago sh ewas havign some problems with one particular child (everyone was - he was a total pain in the @&*$) After a LOT of agravation she finally thumped him one day and things became much easier for her.

But now it has come back with a vengance - in fact I seem to remember that someone at the time predicted that it would . But it seems more insidious than that - she has always handled stress in a funny way - she will just go still and quiet, even as a baby if somethign troubld her she would just go still - not scream or anything. As a result the adults around her who don't know her so well tend to think that because she is being "good" there is nothing wrong. And I wonder if that is why other kids home in on her - somehow the fact that she sort of absorbs the flak draws them in? I'm not explaining that very clearly but it is just something I have wondered about.

hoggie

 

Dear hoggie's kidlet,

I want you to know that there are people out there who've been there and experienced this, and you feel like you're alone... and you're not. The worst part of it is that when adults who've been bullied give you advice, more often than not it comes from what they wish they'd done, not from what they actually did. Standing up to a bully is very, very hard. So hard that in divorce cases they've even got a special term for when one parent bullies another one so they won't get to see the kids. It's call "parental alienation." And in a way, that's what you're experiencing. Not from your parents, but the bullies at school are doing things to make you feel alienated and isolated.

A shrug of the shoulder, a curl of the lip, a little push, a smirk... nothing you can nail down but all of it so effective, right?

Does it help when an adult tells you that this kind of trial does make you a resolute adult? And the bullies when you meet them as adults, somehow their lives don't seem to have come together like yours? Probably not when you're 7. Didn't help me when I was twice your age. But it is true. I learned that other kids did not have my best interest at heart. I learned to read, a lot, everything and anything... and that made me very smart on tests and won me scholarships. I learned not to rely on other people, but to rely on myself. I learned not to wait... if I wanted to do something, go do it.

I learned that sometimes just hugging my teddy bear was the best thing to do.

But you're 7... so you need to know some things that are true. Because truth will get you through the day. It is true that you are safe at home. It is true that you have things at home that other people don't, and those things are special. And no matter what might happen outside of your home, at home, you're safe, special, and loved. So here's what I want you to do... are you ready?

When you're at home, and you've got that warm feeling because your mom just hugged you, or it's your favorite desert, or you're snuggled in bed and things are just right and cozy... I want you to take your right hand, wrap it around the fingers of your left hand, and squeeze. Seriously. I want you to do this every time you feel happy at home for the next month. Really. I do.

AND I want you to tape on your bathroom mirror three things that you are going to say to yourself five times in the morning, out loud, and five times before you go to bed.

I am a happy and generous person.

I am a warm and happy person.

It makes me feel happy to know I'm a warm and generous person.

At the end of a month, which when you're seven feels like forever, first of all you'll find that you feel a whole lot better about being a warm and generous person, even if the bullies haven't changed their tune. And you'll have a tool for making the bullies less important. When you start to feel tense, squeeze your hand just like you've been squeezing it when you're happy. I know it sounds silly, but your brain isn't quite as smart as you are. Your brain will have started associating having your hand squeezed with happy things. And instead of feeling tense, all of the sudden you'll be flooded with happy feelings... which makes it much easier to walk away from bullies and not get engaged with them.

Rock on, munchkin... the best is yet to come.

 

I wouldnt wait another day to speak with her teacher. really. she is too young to deal with this. She does need to work on self esteem issues..all kids this age do. do they have counselors at your school? My kids elementry school does..and my kids participate in self esteem classes there as well as with their counselor they see on a regular basis.
if not, i am sure you can find resources in the library...internet...exercises...i am not sure what is available there in the UK. Kids can be ugly at any age...but i am concerned at the teachers response.

good luck to you!

 

Very nice, MorrisonCorner. :clap:

 

MorrisonCorner you have said that wonderfully thank you

 

Is there an activity, or group of kids that she can hang out with seperate from the school kids? Maybe if she had some other friends that appreciated and valued her it would help her self esteem.

 

Is there an activity, or group of kids that she can hang out with seperate from the school kids? Maybe if she had some other friends that appreciated and valued her it would help her self esteem.

Also, enroll her in some type of other activity, whatever she is good at and interested in. Honestly, if she is so far beyond the other kids in school, this is a "reason" to be bullied.

I was a loner throughout all my school years. I was good at my studies and got good grades. I was pushed out of all of the cliques at school. Girl Scouts made it WORSE as there were cliques there as well, and they did not welcome me. I was intimidated and self conscious, I wore glasses, had the infamous braces, and was always too tall and thin. My mom enrolled me in some activities that displayed my strengths (clarinet lessons, swimming lessons) and I was able to regain a sense of worth as I realised that the actions of the others was jealousy, pure and simple. Not at my looks, goodness no, but at how EASY school was for me. I turned out quite all right, and as I became a young woman came into my own, once away from the cliques and bullies.

I'd suggest getting out of girl scouts/Brownies and maybe into a 4H club, where there are others who share her values and understand her. Ask her what she really thinks of Brownies, she may say she loves it, or it could be yet another extension of the cruelty she gets at school.

I agree, talk to the teacher as well to be sure they aren't witnessing these actions and empowering the kids by ignoring them.

And God bless her for sharing her red nose, your own values and morality shine through bright and clear in her actions.

 

MorrisonCorner - thank you so much - DD has gone to bed now, but I will show her this in the morning. I was bullied badly at school and never got any help - I so wish someone had said somethign like this to me back then. We talked a lot tonight, and I got a ot more specifics from her than I have before which helps a bit as I know a bit more about what I am dealing with. But I feel sure she will benefit from your advice.

lilmizlayla - there are no counsellors here - I might ahve a word with the school nurse and see what she says. But I will start searching for stuff - we had a visit to the library planned for tomorrow anyway.

Vernitta - the problem is that it is a pretty small community, so there are only a limited number of kids out there. She does Brownies, and KFA which is a dance/keep fit class - but all the kids there are all the same kids from school. She might start karate at some point in the near future, but again, it will be pretty much the same kids - although there will probably be more boys there - the Brownies and KFA are all girls. Not sure what else is there for her age group.

hoggie

 

Beccachow - there isn't anything like 4H over here so I am at a loss there.

She could play an instrument - there are some limits as to the choices for kids activities here. We will see how Brownies goes - I was Rainbow leader while she was a Rainbow and I was pretty hot on kids not being excluded/picked on. She has only been at Brownies for a few weeks (due to take her promise next week) and SIL did at least notice that something was not right. But I AM also aware that there are more of the same types of kids at Brownies - and the ones who are causing her problems at school now will be at Brownies within a couple of months.

As for the school situation - from what I have got out of her tonight, it appears that the kids deliberately wait until the teacher is out of the room to start, and the classsroom assistant pays no attention to it going on.

hoggie

 

You know, we think kids need friends their own age... and of course, it would be nice to have them, but "friends your own age" isn't the be all and end all of social existence.

My parents included me in adult things and fortunately for me my parents activities (sailing and skiing are two good examples) require adult strength to get very good. I can think of a number of activities a kid can be quite competitive at where size is not necessarily a handicap: fishing, skiing, sailing, waterskiing, horseback riding (pony for a smaller kid)... being competitive in the showing of virtually any animal, competition agility (dogs)...

and I'm sure people on this board can easily contribute 10 other activities a child can participate in with an adult to the benefit of both. Your friends don't have to be seven. Your friends can be 17, or 70. You can teach a 70 year old computer skills and wow, aren't you a clever kid! And (she said dryly) the 10 year old can smoke me on a ski slope. I think she could when she was 7 but she was being nice and not letting me know it.

The secret to survival is to make home, and specifically a place in the home, an absolute safe zone. Her room, and a chair in the room, is an absolute safe zone. Such a safe zone that when company comes over they play in the public spaces, not anywhere near her safe zone. Only someone who has proven themselves to be absolutely reliable is allowed in her safe space. Her safe space can have any decor she wants... the 10 year old has pictures of our niece the Marine in her safe space. It is under a sheet tent, blocked off from the rest of her room, and it is HER SPACE (she'd want that capitalized) and NOBODY is allowed in there. Period. Her retreat. Her safe spot.

With a child going through what yours is going through you need "zones of safe." So she can retreat to her room and sit on her bed, but she goes into her good safe space only when she's feeling better, or she's with you and you're happy together. If she's had a bad day, pick a space in your home which is rarely used and "deposit" the bad feelings in that space. Over there. Separate from her and the rest of the household. You can actually say, before she comes in the house "it looks like you had a bad day. Let's talk about it out here until you feel ready to drop your burden in the trash here."

Then touch the trash. Open it up. Talk about the bad day and the bad people. Then ask her to drop the burden in the trash. Make a ritual of doing it, do it yourself in front of her to model "dropping the burden." Let the trash can take the burden... and once a week empty the trash.

It sounds dumb, possibly childish, even flat out stupid... but it does work. The technique is called "anchoring" and it can be done with good feelings (lovers squeeze hands as they're walking along.... later in the day they squeeze hands and the "happy walk" feelings come back). It can be done with bad ones too, by anchoring them to inanimate objects you can separate them from you.. or more importantly, your child.

 

i have to say i got picked on alot when i was in elemtntray and middle school, well is till do today, but one thing that has helped me is a hobby. For me i get home love on my goats and then go ride my horse for an hour or two, it makes everything go away, find out what she really wants to do and make it a daily or few times weekly thing

 

MC,

You're one smart cookie!

Nikki

 

Hoggie -
sorry to hear your little one having such difficulties.

I have no advice, but MorrisonCorner's sure sounds good.

Hugs to both of you.

Angie

 

my nephew was teasing a girl on his bus, relentlessly, and the girl stabbed him in the hand with her pencil...and he cried in front of all the kids on the bus.. and never teased the girl again

 

Is her teacher a very young new teacher? I ask because it seems she is being very immature about it all. A teacher should NEVER, belittle a child, let alone infront of a class! A parent must be an advocate for their child, and that teacher needs a good talking to, and possible disaplinary action.
Shelly

 

Part of the problem, from your posts, Hoggie, may be that your child is just too smart for her own good. There are lots of kinds of smart, but one kind of smart is emotional smart. Your child is emotionally very smart for her age. She acts very grown up in a lot of ways, and expects that from others. She finds it hurtful when her classmates act like little kids. She doesn't understand it. I suspect, once you start homeschooling, she will naturally gravitate toward older kids to be friends with. (Smart kids usually do.) You know what, she will be happier. When she is 30, nobody will mind that her friends are 35. She can still build long-term friendships with people, even if they are older than she is. Don't let people tell you that she "needs" this kind of "friendship". Not true. She needs to be herself, which probably means hanging out with kids several years older than her chronilogical age. I have a kid like that too. She is 12. Adults find her enjoyable. Older teens find her enjoyable. She has no interest in the things that 12 year olds like. Being with "peers" for her, means being with people who are mentally, emotionally her equal. Those people are not 12.

Hope that helps.

Cindy

 

Morrisoncorner

Thanks a lot. I bet that will make me feel a lot better. Hopefully! I really like the idea of a safe spot. I won't even let mummy in



Eggwasher(hoggie's DD) and Annie(Annie is my doll).

 

Beccachow - there isn't anything like 4H over here so I am at a loss there.

She could play an instrument - there are some limits as to the choices for kids activities here. We will see how Brownies goes - I was Rainbow leader while she was a Rainbow and I was pretty hot on kids not being excluded/picked on. She has only been at Brownies for a few weeks (due to take her promise next week) and SIL did at least notice that something was not right. But I AM also aware that there are more of the same types of kids at Brownies - and the ones who are causing her problems at school now will be at Brownies within a couple of months.

As for the school situation - from what I have got out of her tonight, it appears that the kids deliberately wait until the teacher is out of the room to start, and the classsroom assistant pays no attention to it going on.

hoggie

Perhaps a meeting with the teacher, assistant teacher and their boss is needed! Report what the child is telling you!

Now is the time to be assertive in your demands that the bullying STOP NOW!

 

Shelleycoley - no the teacher is an older lady, but I believe she does hav esoem problems with discipline - last year she had a lot of "rowdy" boys in the class and really struggled keeping them tied down. The classroom assistant is in her 30s.

cindy-e - I think you may well be right there - she has always got on a lot better with older kids. I think once she is at home, the world of other activities will open up for her I have made a similar point to people before that the "socialization" she is getting at school isn't really constructive - and at no other point in her life will she be expected to mix exclusively with other people who just happen to have been born within the same 12 month period.

Ardie - I think I may well be headed down to the school next week. Up until now it has been very difficult as she has been reluctant to talk about it - she has said that the others are teasing her or picking on oher, or the Mrs G is always picking on her, but has always stopped there and wouldn't give me any more than that. Now, she has suddenly started telling me specifics I am better equipped to try to sort it out.

hoggie

 

As a parent, you have the right to sit in and observe the class. If the teacher is making inappropriate comments, you'll find out. If she isn't, you gotta wonder if she KNOWS it's wrong and is straightening up because you are there. Yes, a teacher can have a favorite and a nonfavorite and it is often very obvious. At this age, the kids will take the teacher's lead.

 

I would have to ask about that one Maura - I'm not sure we do have that right here. I have never heard of anyone doing it - I will check it out

hoggie