Oh yes. I find it barbaric! No viewing for me when I go. Just a few kind words, some good music and scatter me to the wind.......

 

mrs oz here

First off, I am very sorry for your loss. As for viewings.........I guess for some it brings some sort of closure, but for me personally it only makes things more difficult. When Oz and I lost a dear friend of ours we saw him in the hospital just before the family had life support discontinued. Said all of our goodbyes. The family had said there would be no open casket. Got to the wake, and sure enough it was open. Totally their decision of course. It's always up to the family. But I wasn't prepared to see him like that and I wouldn't have gone into the room had I known. Just my 2 cents.

 

Thanks Mrs. Oz. Yeah, I was with my dad too when he went. That was more than enough for me. And every time one of my siblings or other family members went near the casket, they would break down again. I just can't understand why we put ourselves through that. When I was in Italy a year or so ago, one of the friends I was visiting had a friend lose her father. No visitation, just a rosary in the church the day of death and funeral the next day with a closed casket. Much more civilized in my opinion.

 

I am sorry to hear about your losses, and how hard it was for you to attend the visitation. I know they are not easy.

I agree that for some people, it brings closure, and for others it is very stressful. In my experiences, it seems that the older family members are less bothered than the younger, at least so in my family. For example, when my grandfather passed, it was a very nice visitation IMO. He did look... well, I hesitate to use the word 'nice', but he looked like the grandpa I remembered as opposed to the emaciated soul I saw as he lay dying. It was a great comfort to my grandmother, and my mother and her siblings, and to us older grandchildren. The younger grandchildren and their children seemed bothered by it, which is ok. It's not for everyone. It was closure for me, very peaceful. However, my father (in his early 60's) was not able to even go in the room.

I think it is important for some people to have that kind of closure, that last chance to say goodbye, that last glimpse. Personally, it doesn't bother me.

 

Over here, the body is put in the livingroom of the house.

 

Even though it is unpleasant it helps most people deal with the death better. That said I never looked when I went to a funeral with the casket open.

 

I'm very sorry for your loss IMC,

I can’t say one way or another if an open casket is right or wrong.
There IS a choice to go up to the casket, or step to the side and let people pass you.
If asked, just say “ I have said my Good Bye and Peace be with You”
I have done both and feel good about each of those situations.
It’s hard on us all, but remember we each have our own limits.
You are there to pay your respect to the person that has died and to respect the family.
What you do with that time is your own choice, go up, stay back, your there, that’s what matters.

Kris

 

When I was in Italy a year or so ago, one of the friends I was visiting had a friend lose her father. No visitation, just a rosary in the church the day of death and funeral the next day with a closed casket. Much more civilized in my opinion.

Yes, perhaps. Their tradition of digging up family members bones after years and cleaning them is rather gruesome in my opinion, but the closed casket is certainly much more civilized. When I go, I don't want a funeral. I want to be cremated ASAP and my friends and family to remember one thing about me that they liked, admired, or respected. I try to live my life in a way that will give them reason to do this, and plenty of material to work with

As human beings we ALL have weird cultural traditions. In NA, we're lucky that we can pretty much choose the ones we like, and ignore the rest.

I'm sorry for your loss - it must be a very hard time for you, not only with losing your dad, but then your cousin in the same week. You're in our thoughts tonight.

 

The tradition in my family is to lean over and kiss the dead goodbye.

 

- First let me express my condolences. Many people feel as you describe, and that's fine.

In my 24 years as a pastor, I've conducted literally hundreds of funerals, all over the Southeast.

In the southern culture, the viewing is all part of the grieving process. Often times, the last time the family saw their loved one was when they died at the hospital with an array of needles, tubes, bruises, and gown, as they suffered in their final hours. That's not a pretty sight, as I'm sure you well-know.

What I've seen is that it often brings great relief to a family to view the body of their loved one after the mortician has cleaned, combed, powdered and arranged the body in a favorite dress or suit...or even overalls or blue jeans.

Somehow, the family is often comforted by seeing the loved one looking so much more like they did in life. It helps to cushion the blow of their lingering illness or sudden death, to see them as they knew them.

Granted, viewings are not for some, and I would never be critical of anyone's feelings at a time of great grief and sorrow.

I was just trying to bring a bit of perspective to the tradition which many folks seem to consider "Gruesome" and "Barbaric". The viewing is not for the departed, but for the living, as they say "Good-bye" to someone who looks like the person they knew and loved.

Sometimes, in the case of a murder/suicide/car accident/fire, viewings are impossible. In such cases, I've seen that NOT getting to view the body causes even more grief, since the condition of their loved one is left up to their imagination.

Sometimes, people leave known wishes for NO VIEWING. Those wishes are usually honored, but not always, because some children seem to have a great need to see their parent one more time.

Death is a bad deal...I'm thankful that this ain't all there is...

My prayers are with you and yours.

 

I don't go to viewings as a rule, unless it is someone who was very near and dear to me. The last funeral I went to was my nephew Tom's two years ago. He was only 39 and passed from leukemia, leaving a wife, 9 year old daughter and 4 year old son.
He did not look at all natural just lying there. I prefer to remember him as he was, and hearing his "Hey, Uncle G!". My wife and I babysat his kids from the time they were six weeks old. Still tears me up that we only had that angel for 39 short years....

 

I always thought a visitation was from some divine entity! I've never known it in the context you refer to.

I think it's a custom that should be allowed to die out. (pun intended). Too gruesome and ghoulish for words.

I will come back and fearfully haunt anybody who participates in such an event laid on for me!

 

I understand the fuss, now I'm older and wiser and less afraid.

 

Last week lost my dad, he died Monday morning and we had the visitation on Wednesday. Does anyone else think our custom of visitation to be a bit gruesome? I know it was too much for me, I had to leave early. Then on Thursday a cousin died and we had another visitation to go to. Couldn't there be a better way of doing this? Everyone gathered around the dead person saying how "natural" they look and of course they look anything but that. I can understand gathering to offer support and condolences, but the viewing of the body really bothers me. It bother anyone else?

Sounds like you have had a rough couple of weeks. My condolences with regard to both your father and cousin.

Personally, I think the whole funeral process is barbaric and VERY gruesome, which is why I don't "do" funerals. My dad was cremated without any ceremony whatsoever as will be my mother and hopefully me, when my time comes.

But I guess funeral directors have to make a living too. :shrug:

donsgal

 

I am so sorry for your loss.

FUnerals aren't my thing... luckily, haven't had any to go to ages, but even cemeteries are too much for me.
I see how they could bring alot of comfort, but they just don't work for me.

Hubby and I agree that when either of us goes, cremation is what we want; after all, it's just a shell, the soul has gone on...

 

I avoid funerals. I will go, but prefer not. I MAY NOT EVEN ATTEND MY OWN! (ha-ha!)

Yogi Berra quote: "If you don't go to other people's funerals,...they won't come to yours!"

Good Thinkin', Yogi!

 

Very sorry for your loss.

We lost Mom two weeks ago. She was cremated. I thought they should cremate her shortly after she passed, and we could hold a memeorial with no coffin. My siblings however wanted a viewing with an open casket.

My daughter asked if there was any way she could do mom's make-up, and nail polish. The Funeral home let her do it all. This was a very positive experience for my daughter, as Mom was very concerned about her appearence, particularly her fingernails.

This is the only Funeral Home in which I have ever been comforable and at peace. Mom only lived 39 days after being diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, and there were a couple of days at the end that were the worst 2 days of my life.

I think that there is a definite need for the friends and family to have a place to gather, to honor the deceased.

Rick

 

Sounds like you have had a rough couple of weeks. My condolences with regard to both your father and cousin.

Personally, I think the whole funeral process is barbaric and VERY gruesome, which is why I don't "do" funerals. My dad was cremated without any ceremony whatsoever as will be my mother and hopefully me, when my time comes.

But I guess funeral directors have to make a living too. :shrug:

donsgal

How warm and loving for those of us who do think viewings and funerals are civilized and have merit. I value the time I had to see my son one last time and to give his family and friends a chance to say goodbye. Dad also went suddenly and his funeral gave everyone a chance to remember him together. At Mom's funeral we were able to talk about the fact that she didn't "do" funerals and how she probably didn't think much of all the fuss we were making. Everyone deals with death and loss in their own way and the watchword for everyone else is compassion.

 

I am so sorry for your loss.

I don't attend viewings except for someone close to me and I try to go by myself. I did with my mother, and I'm glad I did. I had a few parting words with her and mostly realized that my mother was long gone to heaven.

Her funeral service was closed casket and ended up to be a grand celebration of her life--no tears! (She got a standing ovation, by the way.)

I have also attended a lovely rosary for my father-in-law which was so intimate and gave the family time to really grieve a little more openly.

About the make-up thing...

My daughter asked if there was any way she could do mom's make-up, and nail polish. The Funeral home let her do it all. This was a very positive experience for my daughter, as Mom was very concerned about her appearence, particularly her fingernails. Posted by Rick

My sister did my mother's makeup and hair. I was very uncomfortable with this, but didn't mention it. I can't imagine anyone enjoying doing this. Mother ended up looking quite dolled up and "flashy" which wasn't her style at all. I'm glad they closed the casket.

To each his own, I guess.

 

I was next to Mom's bed when she died. Thats plenty of closure. Viewing a corpse and having some preacher giving a speech is not going to comfort me in slightest. However had funeral for rest of family and her friends. Mom wanted a closed casket and got it but one of my aunts said she needed to see the body for her own piece of mind so undertaker opened it briefly for her to get an eyeful. The embalming fluid was leaking. Such nice memory that was.

At least now I am out of loop, nobody tells me when any of family dies now. Hey gets me out of being expected to send overpriced flowers...

I agree with Donsgal, just dispose of my body in cheapest legal way possible. No fuss, no muss. And if anybody will, I'd be fine with them just carrying me as deep into woods as possible and propping me up against a tree.... Let the coyotes and buzzards have a go. They need to eat also.

 

Sorry for you loss, and sorry that the visitation was so hard on you.

I guess it's different for different people, different circumstances. Deaths of younger people and deaths from accident/tragedy can be particularly difficult to deal with.

On the other hand, the gathering of friends and family can be very comforting. I remember my grandmother's visitation, some elderly people told me stories about my grandparents in the 1930's... some wonderful stories I had never heard before. I went home and wrote them all down.

I went to a funeral for an uncle last year. It was a long way to go, and hardly anyone was there aside from the immediate family. I missed a couple days of work, but it was worth it just for the way my cousin hugged me and said "I knew you'd come."

 

Having been to more than my share of viewings (that's what we call them) and funerals, I prefer the open casket. When Great-grandma died I was just a little, little girl but I got to kiss her goodbye. When my closest cousin died I got to say goodbye. When my stepdad and father died both were cremated with a little ceremony and a picture of the deceased. (with my stepdad the ashes weren't even there, he missed his own funeral. It was a wonderful family joke for years afterwards) Had I been with any of these people when they died or even just before I would have had my chance then to say goodbye. Funerals are for the living, the decedent is already gone.

IMContrary, I am sorry for your loss. Especially with 2 so close together like that.

 

I;m sorry for your loss. My MILS funeral and burial was at 8 a.m. Barely gave us time to make it back to the FH for her nephew's funeral and burial. Viewings, wakes, funerals, sitting shiva- are for the living. I really like the Jewish custom of sitting shiva. For a week, the chief mourners are excused from all work, housework, and cooking. Guests bring food and perform tasks. The mourners are encouraged to talk about anything they wish. Talking about the deceased is healthy and not shut off as "morbid" as so many of us do in 21st century culture. Personally I think this is much healthier than "You went to your mom's funeral yesterday so get over it already. Do your work or the corporation will find someone who can."

 

Condolences on your loss.

My father passed away when I was fifteen (cancer, but it was quite sudden- only a matter of weeks after the initial diagnosis). I was there at the hospital when he died, but we had an open casket wake. Personally, I didn't need or want to see him that way. I don't think it scarred me irreparably or anything, but for me, it wasn't necessary. It wasn't him, not the way I remembered him or wanted to remember him. But for the people who couldn't be there at the hospital, I guess it was closure, and I wouldn't really begrudge them that. I'm not sure the open casket thing is for me, but I don't really think it's barbaric, since I can understand why it helps some people.

 

I think that the custom to wearing black for a time afterwards (for widows here, it's one year) is much better than the 'get-over-it-it's-been-a-week' attitude. The wearing of black, and the respect that goes with it, gives time and society a chance to do the healing.