What would you do?

Discussion in 'Countryside Families' started by ellebeaux, Nov 18, 2006.

  1. ellebeaux

    ellebeaux Well-Known Member

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    My friend sent me an email today saying that she just found out she's pregnant.

    She hasn't been to the doctor yet because they only take emergency calls on Saturday but she has told her husband.

    She's 42 and this is her first pregnancy. She has always wanted children but her husband is anti-children and only would marry her if she gave up the idea of having kids. So she is afraid her husband would divorce her if she kept it. She's also afraid that something maybe wrong with the baby as she was not trying to get pregnant, so she has had a couple of beers on the weekends in the past few months. She eats a good diet but I don't know if she takes vitamins, etc. She is pro-abortion, by the way, so that is an option for her.

    I want to support her through this. What would you say to her?

    thanks all.
     
  2. Dixielee

    Dixielee Well-Known Member

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    WOW, that is a tough one. Of course I don't know any of the parties involved, but I firmly think she needs to tell her husband about the pregnancy and they should decide as a couple what to do. If she really wants the child, and he divorces her because of it, then I think she should just tell him to hit the road. But I love my children more than any othe humans on the earth and will kill or die for them, so I may be a bit biased.

    It is hard raising children alone and would not recommend it as a first option, but it can be done successfully.

    As far as health, a few beers on a week end early on is not going to cause a problem. Most folks do not know they are pregnant early on anyway and take an advil or have a beer now and then before they know. Her age will make her a bit higher risk, but that is something her doctor will need to discuss with her.

    Good luck. You just need to be there for her regardless of her decision.
     

  3. comfortablynumb

    comfortablynumb Well-Known Member

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    if she is pro abortion she doesn't have much to worry over.
     
  4. Fujiko

    Fujiko Well-Known Member

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    I second what Dixielee said. You'd be amazed by what a fetus can go through and come out realtively unscathed. Also, if her husband would leave her because of an unplanned pregnancy, maybe there are deeper issues.
     
  5. RoseGarden

    RoseGarden Well-Known Member

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    I agree....sounds like there are other issues.

    Besides, if she has always wanted children, WHY is this an issue for her at all? At 42, this may be the only chance she ever gets and she'd be a fool to pass it up for a man who demanded she remain childless.
     
  6. Peacock

    Peacock writing some wrongs Supporter

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    FWIW, DH and I are friends with a similar couple. He never wanted kids, was adamant about it, even berated DH and I for "breeding." :rolleyes: I don't know how old she was when she accidentally conceived...about 35 I think. Their son is, I think, 7 now and while her husband isn't exactly a gushing, doting dad, he turned out to be a pretty decent father. Who went out right after the test turned positive and got a vasectomy. :)

    Yeah, I wouldn't worry about the age or the beers so much. Having babies, even first ones, at 42 or even older isn't that uncommon and there are risks at any age.
     
  7. donsgal

    donsgal Nohoa Homestead

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    Ask her how she feels about being a 42 year old single mother trying to support a child (possibly a "special needs" child) and herself. Her husband will evaporate faster than wood alcohol on a hot day once he finds out. She has to decide if she loves him more than she wants to be a mother. She is the only one that can make the decision.

    All you can do is be there for her to listen, and accept whatever decision she makes.

    donsgal
     
  8. culpeper

    culpeper Well-Known Member

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    Your questions was 'What would you say to her?' Well, if it were my friend, I'd say 'I'll be with you whatever you decide to do'.

    This may be her last chance to have a child. If she wants one, she'll decide to keep it. If she doesn't, she'll decide that a selfish husband is a better alternative. Somehow, I know which I'd chose - but you never know - she might not have to make a choice, and wouldn't that be grand??

    By all means let her think aloud with you, but also I think she should have a word with a doctor or counsellor to help her get her thoughts into order. Try not to influence her in any way. It's her life, let her thoughts and words go their own direction.

    If she decides on an abortion, she will go through a grieving process. Be there to comfort her. If she decides to keep the child, and her husband leaves her, be there to comfort her. What else can a good friend do?

    Did you know that 'older' pregnancies are often multiple pregnancies? Perhaps after a scan, that will influence her decision.

    You say she's told her husband, but you don't say what his reaction has been. There must have been one, and it's hard to comment without knowing what it was.
     
  9. glazed

    glazed Tough Girl, Be Gentle

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    How long have they been married?!?!?
     
  10. PineRidge

    PineRidge Well-Known Member

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    If her dh is so "anti children" why didn't he have a vasectomy? Or did he, and it failed? It takes two to get pregnant.

    Anyway, when I got pregnant with my first I was only 21, unmarried and scared to death. My boyfriend and I had talked of marriage and the desire to delay having kids, so I wasn't thrilled about telling him. Then I thought "if he is going to walk out the door because I got pregnant, then I hope the door DOES hit him on the rear on the way out!" Thankfully he was made of better stuff than that and we've been married over ten years.

    Being a single parent is hard, but not impossible.

    Having an abortion is also hard.

    Just be her friend.
     
  11. Beltane

    Beltane Enjoying Four Seasons

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    Have the been married for awhile? Do you think that perhaps their goals in life may have changed and perhaps they 'talked' about getting pregnant in the recent past? Otherwise...they would have continued to use the same birthcontrol method that has done well by then up to now. :shrug: My best wishes to your friend...she (and you!) my be surprised to really learn how the husband feels about a child. :)
     
  12. Bink

    Bink Well-Known Member

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    Sounds like she wanted the man more than she wanted the kids.

    I'd tell her I'd be there for her whatever she decides.
     
  13. ajaxlucy

    ajaxlucy Well-Known Member Supporter

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    If you believe that, you don't know a thing about women.

    (I know, I shouldn't have even responded to this, but it really annoyed me.)
     
  14. MarleneS

    MarleneS Well-Known Member

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    I would say to her, "No one can make this decision for you, but I want you to know that as your friend, I will be there and be supportive of whatever choice you decide to make."

    Marlene
     
  15. frogmammy

    frogmammy Well-Known Member Supporter

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    What makes her think she's pg? Home test or has she skipped?

    Mon...could be just a tumor, or starting menopause
     
  16. Mid Tn Mama

    Mid Tn Mama Well-Known Member Supporter

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    A husband who would leave his wife because she accidentally became pregnant is the same kind who would leave if she "accidentally" lost a breast to cancer or aged in some way that is not attractive to him--In my opinion not worth a thing!

    Have the baby and enjoy the wonderful bounty that was provided. Husband has to make his own choices, but hers should not have to be a choice between ending a life or keeping a louse.
     
  17. Maura

    Maura Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Being a single mom at 42 is a lot different than being a single mom at 18. I'm sure she can manage it. I also think that if she wanted an abortion, if she was really ----ed off about being pregnant, she would have an abortion, not discuss the matter.

    I wonder why two people who do not want children don't get sterilized.
     
  18. Jennifer L.

    Jennifer L. Well-Known Member Supporter

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    She has to make the decision with her husband. Like others have said, just support her in whatever they decide. How long have they been married?

    Jennifer
     
  19. bugstabber

    bugstabber Chief cook & weed puller Supporter

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    Wow! You're really old! :D
     
  20. moopups

    moopups In Remembrance

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    E. I. School, I am pretty sure the 1887 is a typo, in your last sentence, third paragraph, if not I would like to meet you soon.