[Mr. Green Jeans]

19 years ago yesterday I was standing in the delivery room of a small hospital in California waiting to witness my son being born. It was the greatest moment in the world. 3 years later his mother and I were at wits end with each other and got a divorce. My son was my whole world and my ex-wife knew it. I moved out of state after the divorce and visited every free minute I got. When it came time for me to start taking my son to my home for a visit my ex-wife put an end to me ever seeing him again. I would drive the 19 hours to their home and then when I arrived they would seem to always be out of town. It didn't take me long to realize what was going on. Then it even started when I would just drive there to visit it at her home, or so I could pick him up and spend the day with him in town there. Eventually I was cut off from all communications with them when they moved and left no way for me to get in touch with them. My ex-wifes' parents even refused to tell me where they had gone. I was never mean or angry towards any of them, so I just gave up. I still made sure I sent money, birthday gifts, and Christmas gifts for him to here parents. Whether they were received is beyond me.

Well today I received a short note from my long lost son on my Myspace account, along with a friends request. LOL He is wanting to start getting in touch with me now. I want to so bad, but what to say and do after all these years. Guess you could say I'm a little scared for some reason. He also sent me a photo and lord what a fine young man he has grown into. Any advice would sure be appreciated.

 

[chewie]

call him, write him, anything! i was in your son's place, its scary not knowing if your efforts will be received or refused. let him know you tried, he may not know anything at all. this is your chance!

what to say? say hello, i've missed you! say i have wanted to know you for years, say thanks for contacting me! say i'll take you to lunch. if he's not looking to simply slam you for abandonment (not that you did but he may not know that), you have nothing to fear. if he does think you did him wrong, you can now right that! this is a good thing! go for it! its your chance!

 

[DKWunlimited]

Tell him how happy you are to finally hear from him after all these years and that you had tried many times to find him... but do NOT say anything negative about his mother keeping him from you... try to remain positive and ask him about his life and what he is doing now. As much as you might want to give fatherly advice.. hold back for at least a year and just be a friend. When my daughters father tries to give her advice it makes her mad that he wasn't around for many years, so he doesn't know her well enough to give advice.

Be a friend.. let it progress from there!

 

[Kazahleenah]

Congrats! I would definatly get to know him. Refrain from talking ill of his mother, but also, don't lie when asked why you were never there when he was growing up.

Enjoy getting to know your son!!

Kaza

 

[A'sta at Hofstead]

This made me cry! Reach out!

 

[Cara]

WOnderful! Make up for the time that was taken away from you! Enjoy the time you have.

 

[nehimama]

Good advice from all so far. Tell him how much you've missed him, and how happy you are to finally be in contact again. I hope you both get a great start on making up for lost time.

Best wishes,
NeHi

 

[Windy in Kansas]

Guide him to your post so that he can see first hand that you made the attempt to have him in your life.

I really can't imagine what you and he must have gone through all of those years, but do try to meet up at the very least one time. I expect once will just be the beginning of a future life filled with each other.

 

[Sonshine]

I'm so happy he's finally in touch with you. I want to stress what someone else said, contact him, but please, don't say anything negative about his Mom, regardless of what she did. Also, be prepared for some questions. There's no telling what he has been told about you. Be honest with him when he asks questions in a way that doesn't belittle any of his Mom's family. Most of all, let him know how much you love him and have missed being a part of his life and let him know that now that you have found one another, you will be there for him as long as he wants you to be.

 

[sancraft]

You've gotten plenty of good advice. I have nothing futher to add on that end. I just wanted to say how happy I am for you and your son to have this chance to reconnect.

 

[Danaus29]

Meet him!!!!! The best thing you could do when you see him is to reach out and give him the biggest hug you have ever given him. The words will come later.

When I saw my dad for the first time in 20 something years, he didn't even touch me or say hi directly. He should have just ripped my heart out and stomped on it, he hurt me that bad. His parents though, Grandma just hugged me and cried and cried. It made me feel that she really loved me. Even Grandpa hugged me and told me how much he had missed me. And to their credit, even though my mother kept me from them (because they had kidnapped and hid me when I was just a toddler) they didn't start in on that. Just how much they loved me and had missed me.

 

[jen74145]

Congrats! I would definatly get to know him. Refrain from talking ill of his mother, but also, don't lie when asked why you were never there when he was growing up.

Enjoy getting to know your son!!

Kaza

What she said.

I'm all teary now, too. Get hold of your boy and get to know each other.

 

[Christine in OK]

Oh, I think it's wonderful. Definitely do all you can to re-establish a relationship; you may have missed out on the last 13 - 15 years, but you can be there for the next 50.

 

[sgl42]

as nervous as you are, he's probably far more nervous, as he's younger, and he made the first move. be thankful you have this opportunity -- many parents and children never get this chance, or only get it 20-30 years later. carpe diem.

contact him, and tell him how much you missed him and love him. from everything i've read, not having one parent around usually leaves a pretty big hole in a childs life and identity. Now's your chance to fill that hole.

best wishes...
--sgl

 

[farmer_nurse]

Mr Green Jeans
This sounds so very familiar. I also 'found' my father after having no contact for 14 years (from the age of 4 - 18). I looked him up in the phone book and sent a letter to the address that was there. It was returned. I persisted and finally got the right address. I've heard stories about what happened between him and my mom, but not from my mom, and I have a mom and dad. I wanted to get to know my father, though. I will never regret that decision. We have become close and we speak to each other often. I see him when I can. We have become friends and I get to see a part of myself that I would have never known was there. He has every letter, via e-mail or snail mail, that I've ever sent him and actually asked if I still had the one that was returned to me. This is a wonderful time for you.

 

[Madame]

Start with "I love you. I've missed you" and go from there. I'm glad he reached out.

 

[chickenista]

I lost mine for 23 years and due to my mother's wishes.
She never bothered (even when asked) to let me know that SHE had sent him away. I spent 23 years wondering why he just "disappeared" and quit coming to see me.
He now lives here in our home... who would have thought.
But definitely let him know that you tried and that you never stopped wanting him. He may not have any idea that you didn't leave of your own free will!
He will be so glad to see a face that looks like his and the same smile etc..... I know I was.

 

[TC]

One of my best friends just "found" her dad. Same type of story....her mom decided for her that she not see the dad as a child, so the mom moved her away anytime the dad located her. My friend has had major issues mentally due to the fact that she was told all her life that her dad left and didn't want to see her. Once she found her dad, she has made a 100 percent turn around and loves the new relationship.

She now refuses to speak to her mom....and says she will never again have a relationship with her. :shrug:

 

[Karen]

I lost mine for 23 years and due to my mother's wishes.
She never bothered (even when asked) to let me know that SHE had sent him away. I spent 23 years wondering why he just "disappeared" and quit coming to see me.

Almost exact same thing with me with my biological Dad. But it was almost 50 years before I found him. I was devastated when I did find him only to learn he had passed away a few years prior. It still hurts.

I spoke with his wife and learned he had always carried a photo of me in his wallet all those years. He stayed away thinking it would be the best thing to do for me. He never knew how much I wanted to see and that I never forgot him even though I hadn't seen him since I was 5 yrs. old.

PLEASE, don't waste another second! Life has a way of playing out so that we miss out on what "could have been" because time passes us by or we worry about the results.

You have the opportunity to make things right and have your son back. Your son has the opportunity to have his Dad back. Don't pass this up and don't wait! You never know when this chance could pass you by. Forever is a long time.

If you would tell him very simply the same thing you said here, I know without a doubt, it would be all you would have to say. Please keep us posted on what you decide to do and how it goes.

 

[StatHaldol]

My wife and I were divorced when my kids were older (in their late teens). One thing that helped our relationship is I never say anything negative about their mother (my ex).

It has worked out very well for all of us.

My dad used to say, "Before you say anything about anyone, ask yourself; is it true, is it nice, is it necessary."