What if your husband said.......

Discussion in 'Countryside Families' started by jill.costello, Dec 31, 2006.

  1. jill.costello

    jill.costello Well-Known Member

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    .....something SO horrifying, SO hurtful, SO completely of-base, that you suddenly question who he really is???

    I know, this is hugely deep, but I think I'm actually in physical shock, and I don't want to make any knee-jerk descisions until I feel like myself again.

    My heart rate has been up since it happened last night, and my hands are shaking. I have all these bells and sirens going off in my head telling me to PROTECT YOURSELF! PROTECT YOUR MONEY/CREDIT CARDS!! CHANGE PASSWORDS! CALL YOUR FATHER AND FLY HIM OUT TO BE BY YOUR SIDE WHEN YOU KICK HIM OUT!

    No, he did not physically threaten me. It was all about money, but it was his ATTITUDE that was horrifying. I will go into more detail as this thread progresses, but I just need some focusing.... suggestions of a compromise between "battoning down the hatches" and going on "high alert" and rolling over and letting something potentially very damaging/scary slip out of my awareness.......
     
  2. AngieM2

    AngieM2 Big Front Porch advocate

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    If it shook you that much, why don't you change passwords, and stay aware - you can do more as you get your breath and wits about you.

    Without knowing whats what, can't give anything more specific.

    But being aware, and taking basic precautions shouldn't hurt. And if this is nothing, you can always change passwords back.

    Angie

    PS: If I'm remembering right, you've not been married a long time or do I have you confused with a different poster?
     

  3. tinknal

    tinknal Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Jill, do you suppose that it could be a matter of some unresolved issue that is bothering him that you may not even be aware of ? People sometimes overheat when some small comment trips off what is really bugging them.
     
  4. Tracy Rimmer

    Tracy Rimmer CF, Classroom & Books Mod Supporter

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    Jill -- if you feel that you are in any danger, please look in your local telephone directory -- generally in the first few pages -- for a domestic hotline. Please, please, please consider this carefully -- you don't want to become another statistic.

    Now, if you're not, which I get from the tone of your post that you don't feel you are, then consider very carefully what was said. Was it said in the heat of the moment, intending to hurt because HE was hurt and angry? We all say things at times like this that we may not really mean, but are lashing out in anger because *WE* are in pain. If this is the case, I would suggest sitting down when you've both calmed down, and talking it out. Rationality is generally the first thing out the window when we're feeling highly emotional and stressed.

    If what was said was a direct "I'm going to..." which you see as a threat to your livelihood or personal security, then a very clear talk between you and your spouse about expectations might be in order. If that isn't going to work (some men view ALL family assets as THEIR assets, and believe that a woman should have NO say in the financial direction of their family) then you need to do what you can to protect you and your children.

    Hugs to you -- sounds like you could use one :)

    Tracy
     
  5. HeavenHelpMe

    HeavenHelpMe Well-Known Member

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    Jill-

    Go with your gut and always have a phone in your hand.

    Always.


    That's all I'm going to say other than to get the phone number of your closest women's shelter so they can help you out if things get hairy. You don't have to be a physically abused woman to get help from them. Any emergency will do.


    Oh, and don't talk yourself out of what you're feeling. Do not rationalize yourself into dire circumstances just because you don't want to believe what you are sensing right now. Much may depend on it.

    Prayers for you.
     
  6. mama2littleman

    mama2littleman El Paso

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    YOu have instincts for a reason .. use them.

    Regarding money and marriage ... this may go against what many of the posters here believe, but my mother taught me a very important lesson. Always have money and credit in your own name, and always have an emergency fund that is only yours, not "family money". You may never use it, may never need it, but know it is there is a huge relief.

    Mom was widowed VERY young and had no credit or bank accounts in HER name, not associated with her husband (my father). After his death she had the absolute WORST time financially. She always raised her girls to keep credit in their own name and an emergency fund. Best thing she ever taught me.

    Nikki
     
  7. tinknal

    tinknal Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Tracy said what I was trying to say.
     
  8. donsgal

    donsgal Nohoa Homestead

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    I think I would sit down and have a good, hard, loong talk with him about it to make certain that you understood not only his words, but his intent as well. More than one marriage has crumbled because of a simple misunderstanding that could have been cleared up.

    I cannot imagine anything that could be "said" or an attitude that would disturb someone so profoundly. We read so much of our own baggage into what people say sometimes. I'd definitely pursue this further with him to make sure I wasn't clouding the issue, somehow, with my own preconceptions and such.

    But in the mean time, take your precautions if it makes you feel better. It couldn't hurt, after all.

    donsgal
     
  9. Sparticle

    Sparticle Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I agree completely. in my first marriage when he did something that frightened me, I started thinking about what I would do, how I would get out if I needed to. I taped an envelope behind the dryer with duct tape and every $5 - $10 I came across I would save it. Then I applied for credit in my own name and had the statement going to work. Never used the card but it was there. When he grabbed the back of my head and slammed it into a door I knew I had to leave. So I pretended that I left for work and hid around the corner. When I saw him leave I came in, grabbed a bag of clothes, had the money already and left. I'm so glad I did that because when he came home and found out, he cleared out all the accounts. That little $200 that I had saved was enough to keep me afloat till the next payday. I have always since then had money in my own name and credit as well. Even if you are in a wonderful relationship, I think women should have their own money.

    Please take precautions and be safe. Your house, clothes & things aren't worth your life or even your sanity for that matter. Sorry you are going through this and I hope you can find a solution.
     
  10. Alice In TX/MO

    Alice In TX/MO More dharma, less drama. Supporter

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    1. Go for a walk.
    2. Get your pastor or a friend to come in and be third party for the talk mentioned above.
    3. Be sure he understands that you are frightened and if it happens again, he's history.
     
  11. Speciallady

    Speciallady Well-Known Member

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    it's hard to help when we don't know the whole situation. If it was enough to make you post it here, and to be afraid, then there is a problem. Maybe you should talk to your father, let him know what is going on. Maybe nothing will come of it, but someone you are close to will be aware of what's going on. What were the circumstances before he said what he said? Are you all having a hard time financially? Sometimes that can be really hard on a man, as he feels he needs to provide and his words came out harsher than he meant. First call your dad. Second, talk to your husband. Ask questions maybe not directly to let him know you are afraid, but talk around the issue to see if any thing further may come out. If you decide you need to leave, make sure to cover your tracks. Keep a emergency kit in your car.
     
  12. PyroDon

    PyroDon Well-Known Member

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    If the comment was made in a heated arguement take it with a grain of salt.
    when angry we all say things we dont mean. If we feel hurt or threatened we strike out to hurt the other . There is also the fact that many times comments can be taken completely wrong and meanings attached do to our own mind set at the time.
    If you dont step back and calmly review every detail you could yourself do far more harm to the realationship by jumping to a conclussion.
     
  13. Bink

    Bink Well-Known Member

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    I'd say batten down the hatches short of flying your dad out. Protect your money, credit, all that.

    Then if y'all are capable of speaking calmly, you might ask him, "Honey--just what did you mean when you said...?"

    If you guys are not on good enough terms to speak calmly, then have a 3rd party there when you hash it out.
     
  14. mightybooboo

    mightybooboo Well-Known Member

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    Not enough info....

    BooBoo :gromit:
     
  15. Jen H

    Jen H Well-Known Member

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    Absolutely have a long talk with your husband to figure out exactly what he was trying to say, and make sure he understands exactly what your reaction was.

    In the meantime, getting a credit card in your name and making sure you have a bank account in your name won't hurt matters at all, and will make matters much easier if you do have to separate.
     
  16. jill.costello

    jill.costello Well-Known Member

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    Yes, we've only been married a little over a year, but have lived together 2.5 years. When we moved in together (a house, not renting), he was employed as a dispatcher for a trucking company. He only did that for a little bit; maybe 3 months, but quit and started looking for something else because freight was so slow, he was only making $300./week or so.
    Well, long story short, he hasn't had a job in 2 years. He WAS a truck driver, and thinks that's the only thing he's good at. He got a DUI 3 years ago, and it's very rare that a trucking company will hire a DUI-person before the three years is up, so up until just a few weeks ago, I was the ONLY one supporting our household (no kids). I am on 100% disability through the Veteran's Administration because I was injured in Iraq (Army). I also receive Social Security. Without disclosing actual amounts, I was able to keep us afloat for the last 2 years, barely, with a few "windfalls" to help us along, (selling a horse, buying/reselling on eBay, etc). There were times we leaned on all the credit cards HARD, and there were times I almost had to sell my BEST, fancy broodmares to keep food on our table. (My personal business from before we hooked up was breeding Warmblood Dressage horses.... I have a VERY small herd that I sacrificed/scrimpted/and starved to finally aquire... really my pride and joy and the only things of value I owned/loved).
    Through it all, I have maintained my faith and devotion to my husband and my vows (for richer or poorer....) and just hung onto the idea that "things will get better....patience.....".

    Well, my grandfather passed away about 4 weeks ago. My mother inherited some money, and gifted a bit (less than $10k) to my brother and to me. She said "this is from Gran'pa, he would love for you to use this money for your future, to make you safe and happy".

    I took that to heart. I didn't even let that money sit in the account one day, I systematically paid off all OUR high interest credit cards, the late truck note, the over-due electric, phone, property taxes, etc, etc. I then bought enough hay to last through the winter for our 8 horses. I believed I was providing a stress-relief, debt-relief, smart use of that money.

    Last night, DH asked how much money was left in our checking account. I said, "$217.00, but I get my disability money early because of the holiday".

    He lost his mind. "WHERE did it all go?!?!". I calmly said, "I told you I was going to use GRANDPA'S money to pay off most of our debt.". He said, "But you spent it ALL?!?!". I said, "yes, but now we won't have $600./month in credit card minimums to pay and no hay bill for three months; we'll be fine."....Then he said the KICKER......he said..."You should've asked me before you did all this! I didn't know YOU were going to make us BROKE again!, I thought WE were going to have MONEY!"

    I saw red. We were in credit card debt because we bought FOOD with those cards when he wasn't working. I had no savings because I spent it all on the mortgage for 2 years with no help. All he saw was, "oh, goody, my wife got an inheritance, we're going to live high, now!".

    All along, had tried my best to keep thoughts like "deadbeat" and "golddigger" out of my head....always keeping faith, hope. But, I DO have a guaranteed income. I am a "catch" as some would say, and all the little fear just came boiling to the surface when he pulled this.....
     
  17. Bink

    Bink Well-Known Member

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    Goodness gracious. Having a positive net worth isn't broke. Having oodles of high-priced baubles that are drowning you in interest payments is.

    Ugh. All I can say is if you can't get to where you guys see eye to eye on this, it's not going to improve.
     
  18. Bink

    Bink Well-Known Member

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    Aaaannnd...if he's worried about being "broke", he can get off his duff and make some money.
     
  19. Jen H

    Jen H Well-Known Member

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    It seems obvious from your second post that you both have very different ideas about money. I have to agree with Bink, if you don't get this figured out it won't get any better.
     
  20. Melissa

    Melissa member

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    Probably just a shock to him that there was so much debt. Calm down and have a talk about it when you are both rational.