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wife,mom,taxi driver,cook
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that's a line (or something very close to that) in a movie I watched the other weekend. With Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt. I can't remember the name of it to save me though. Jack Nicholson plays a man with problems and Helen Hunt plays his waitress. it a movie though so in the end they fall in love and its happily ever after. I guess I'm just a little down over everything though and that question has been stuck in my head. What if this is as good as it gets?? I think there should be better. What if I'm wrong though and I've seen my happiest moments? I'm looking down the barrel of reality and its not pretty. in 3 weeks dh's severance pay is done. he's not even started to look for a job. He's requested that I not look for one either. There is some stock to sell that will cover us a few months though. He's waiting for the "perfect" job to fall in his lap......while he sits and plays computer games. His addiction is under control......or so he says. he managed to lie to me for years so I don't know whether to believe that or not. The mantra of the Anon group I joined in trying to learn to deal with this is "its not about you" I think I get that part.....only too well. its never been about me and nothing probably ever will be about me. I'm just here. The more I learn about addictions in general the less I want to know about them. I guess that 12 years or so ago when I quit smoking I wasn't really addicted. Cause I just decided I wanted to quit and I did. It seems that true addicts can't do that.
I'm trying really hard not to be down about this but man is it hard. Yes our marriage is still intact......I'm standing by him. But what am I keeping together? Who am I standing by? Certainly not the man I thought he was. 20 years of marriage and everything that it was based on is a lie (at least it feels that way to me). I also wonder what is lacking in me that seems to make my life dysfunctional no matter how hard I try for it not to be. I had numerous fathers growing up...they all walked out, my mother is psycho, one sister and I barely talk. I thought until a few months ago that I was lucky...that I had broken the dysfunctional cycle. All this time it was there hiding. Will it chase my children down and torture them too? How do I protect them from it?
 

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I'm sorry Ginnie, I don't have any easy answers. I will keep you in my prayers. I have had some struggles myself lately and a lot of sleepless nights wondering what is the right thing to do. I just pray and wait, I think God will answer eventually when I am ready to hear what he has to say.
 

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Oh Ginnie, I don't know what to say to you. By the time a person gets to my age, I guess we don't have any illusions anymore.

People are weak. People we trusted distroyed that trust. People we believed in are not what we thought they were.

I've learned not to depend on anyone but myself for strength and the courage to put one foot in front of the other and to go on.

I am lucky, I guess because my children are grown and can take care of themselves.

By the way, it IS about you...in this way: Take care of YOU. Pray for YOU. Eat healthy for YOU. Rest well.

As for your DH, tell him to get over himself! He is not the center of the universe and he needs to provide for his family!
 

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Evidently you weren't watching the movie well enough...he changed his life and his life got better. That is the point...if you want your life to get better, sometimes you just have to change things...simple but effective. If you watched the movie, he went into his therapists office, and there were a group of people sitting in the waiting room, and he asked "What if this is as good as it gets?" But he loved that woman, and began to try and act a little more normal, try to be a little more compassionate...she began to love him, and slowly his life changed. The movie is name "As Good As It Gets" and if you watch it carefully, you can see his transformation.
 

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“””””I also wonder what is lacking in me that seems to make my life dysfunctional no matter how hard I try for it not to be”””””

Ginnie…why in the world do you think you are lacking something…with the way you described your up-bringing you sound like a survivor…do not degrade yourself to being the root of your current problems….you are not the problem….that demon alcohol is…

If you feel you must seek employment then do it…you must grasp your self dignity and do what ever is necessary to help mend the current problems..



“”””The mantra of the Anon group I joined in trying to learn to deal with this is "its not about you"“”””

I totally disagree….this is about you….seek out another Anon group or another support group…you can do nothing to assist your husband at this point only he has the ability to change his life…
 

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STILL not Alice
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{{{{GINNIE}}}}

I've been in your position. It's not an easy place to be. Okay, it's a rotten, hard, and hurtful place to be... I'm sorry you're going through it.

First, YES. You ARE breaking the cycle for your children. You are doing your absolute best, and you're working through stuff, facing the awful reality of the world and protecting your kids. It takes time and experience to unlearn what you learned, so don't you come down on yourself. You're doing a good job, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Please, get the book "Love Must Be Tough" from your library. It will give you ideas on how to hold your husband accountable without getting sucked into his addiction. (And if he's playing computer games all day long, then I would suggest that he has more than one addiction...)

Right now, your priorities are keeping yourself relatively sane and healthy, and protecting your children. Your husband needs to smack his rear end on rock bottom before he'll do anything, and right now, it doesn't look like he's looking at reality.

You can't do anything for him -- that's up to him.

You can control yourself, you can take care of your children. The only control any of us has in this world is about a 3' circle around ourselves (and sometimes, that space gets squeezed a little tight, too).

God is with you and your kids, Ginnie. He's holding you up as you go through this. My prayers are with you!

Pony!
 

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The name of the movie is "As Good As It Gets" :) Great movie.

Ginnie, I'm sorry for the ordeal you currently find yourself in...but it sounds like you are actually at a starting off place to gain the life you hope to have.

Wouldn't it be great if you could start this day, as seeing your life as a movie with a happy ending. Play out the script in your head on what it would take to have your movie, ah..life end up being something others would envy.

For whatever reason, there is something or some reason you are telling yourself you are not worthy, that the life you have is the one you deserve. It's a lie - you are worthy and you deserve the life you were meant to have - a good, happy, productive one.

I can't help but notice you said your husband doesn't want you to look for a job - I get the impression that you are not only enabling him to not do what needs to be done, but you have so much empathy for him you are fearful of making him feel worse by standing up for yourself? Please don't do that - tell him you love him, tell him you aren't going to leave him ... but tell him you are going to start making your own decisions about what is best for you.

Hugs,
Marlene
 

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..where do YOU look?
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We should always try to do what's right here on earth and provide a good (better) life for our children and family. That said, this crazy life IS as good as it gets... here. If two spouses are dedicated to the Lord and His direction, marriage and life can be an image - at times - of heaven on earth.

Trust in the Lord, not in men. People will let you down... many times. There are those who do this less often than others, seek them out. Realize that this life - as persistent and long as it can seem - is merely a breath and we will soon see our Lord in the clouds and He will take the pain and grief from us. Until then, work to provide for your children, look in the mirror and see what you can change in yourself, and "be there" when your husband decides to do what is needed to move ahead once again.

Praying for you!

R
 

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OMG...if one more person preaches that believing in the Lord is the cure for whatever ails you I will scream!!! Do any of you realize that there are a great many atheist, agnostics, pagans, wicca...you name it, who are managing just fine? The more I read this board, I am beginning to want to join the line! How about pure gumption being the cure to whatever ails you? The OP reminds me of my SIL. My brother is a bum, always has been, always will be. He used to abuse her kids and I am sure he still abuses her. They began dating when I was 11 years old...they just got married two years ago. He has had only three jobs in his life, and has not worked in over twenty years. So why did she marry him...because she LOVES him. Well, let that love be your solace and stop being the victim. If you are tired of it you will throw him out on his ear and make a life for you and your kids. To appease the Bible Thumpers...God helps those who help themselves...help your self to a u-haul and haul it out of there honey!!!
 

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bunny slave
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IMHO, the best example you can give to your children is to demonstrate to them that having a dysfunctional person around doesn't need to turn into a situation where that person is in absolute control. He's having his problems? That's sad, and I hope he can come to terms and deal with them, for everyone's sake. But someone has to be the grownup right now, and that person has to be you. You need to get a job to support your family. The least responsible person in the family CANNOT be empowered to make the decisions for everyone - how can that lead to anything but disaster?

Show your children that you can love their father and stand by him, but also stand on your own two feet and support your family when the need arises. Let your strength be an asset, not a liability. (((hug)))
 

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Oh boy, please, please, please take away the access to the internet when you are not standing right their OR get software that doesn't allow access to ADULT CONTENT sites.

You don't understand the evil pull on his mind. Words are nice but actions are truth.

Just by his reaction will tell you exactly what is really going on in front of the computer.

You have childern and YOU are the clear thinking one. PLEASE !!
 

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ginnie5 said:
in 3 weeks dh's severance pay is done. he's not even started to look for a job. He's requested that I not look for one either. There is some stock to sell that will cover us a few months though. He's waiting for the "perfect" job to fall in his lap......while he sits and plays computer games.
If you don't take your life in your hands, this probably is as good as it gets, and it's fixin to get a whole lot worse.
 

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Melissa said:
I'm sorry Ginnie, I don't have any easy answers. I will keep you in my prayers. I have had some struggles myself lately and a lot of sleepless nights wondering what is the right thing to do. I just pray and wait, I think God will answer eventually when I am ready to hear what he has to say.
Dear, dear Melissa - I will add you to my prayers also. God has already answered and now we just need the courage to follow His answer. Our struggles are always within ourselves. I pray that when you are ready to hear what He has to say it will be a comfort and a joy - God Bless you Melissa.
 

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What vickiesmom said. Recognize that the only one responsible for your life and how you "feel" about it is YOU. Life is only what YOU make of it and no one else can impact it unless YOU give permission for them to do so. Don't settle for less than YOU deserve.
 

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STILL not Alice
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vickiesmom said:
OMG...if one more person preaches that believing in the Lord is the cure for whatever ails you I will scream!!! Do any of you realize that there are a great many atheist, agnostics, pagans, wicca...you name it, who are managing just fine? The more I read this board, I am beginning to want to join the line! How about pure gumption being the cure to whatever ails you? The OP reminds me of my SIL. My brother is a bum, always has been, always will be. He used to abuse her kids and I am sure he still abuses her. They began dating when I was 11 years old...they just got married two years ago. He has had only three jobs in his life, and has not worked in over twenty years. So why did she marry him...because she LOVES him. Well, let that love be your solace and stop being the victim. If you are tired of it you will throw him out on his ear and make a life for you and your kids. To appease the Bible Thumpers...God helps those who help themselves...help your self to a u-haul and haul it out of there honey!!!

It's obvious you have a personal bias here. If you need to scream, perhaps you could do it in the privacy of your own home, rather than here in the forum.

And for the record, people who try to live by the Bible are not "Bible thumpers." Further, you are obviously not at all familiar with the text, as nowhere in the Bible does it say, "God helps those who help themselves."

Pony!
 

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The saying you can't see the forest for the trees is pretty accurate. Step back and look at your situation from the outside and be honest. How are the kids doing? While money may be tight, you have a roof over your head and food on the table. BUT... are you seeing any changes in the kids, however subtle? This would be my yardstick as far as the 'state of the household'. I'll be blunt here - you make the statement severance is gone in 3 weeks but there is stock that will cover us for a few months. Is your husband worth covering? Are the precious resources to be spent so HE can play games etc. and otherwise shirk being a responsible adult (addiction or no addiction)? Of course he doesn't want YOU to get a job, misery loves company and YOU will become independent or gain some independence. You can no longer be kept in the mire of his life. I would look for a job post haste and ensure that stock money goes to basics. Get your ducks in a row in case you need temporary assistance. Think of a friend or family member (if any) who can house you and yours for a bit if need be or assist you financially so you can stay in your house. And now I'm really going to say the hard thing -- your puppy. You really, really need to have a contigency plan for Bandit. He will the family member most difficult to move. I am sorry too that I have no easy answer.
 

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I too am so sorry, Ginnie. You have been thru too much.

But you must make your DH accountable! Did he not profess to you-not too long ago-that he will do all it takes for you & the children??

Make him get his resume up to date & posted at all the on-line sites..monster.com, indeed.com, there's a bunch. I don't remember what he's skilled in, but grab a newspaper & start circling want ads!!

I've been thru a lot w/DH due to lay offs, companies going out of biz, you name it but DH ALWAYS actively searched for employment.

Patty
 

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Pony said:

It's obvious you have a personal bias here. If you need to scream, perhaps you could do it in the privacy of your own home, rather than here in the forum.

And for the record, people who try to live by the Bible are not "Bible thumpers." Further, you are obviously not at all familiar with the text, as nowhere in the Bible does it say, "God helps those who help themselves."

Pony!
You're right! I don't sit around all day reading Scripture...but then as I recall...neither did Jesus.LOL! He was too busy trying to make the world a better place. Too busy in fact to care if anybody wrote down what he was saying or what he was doing. He was too busy DOING. Don't get ticked at me because you saw yourself in the words I said...that's between you and your God...<G>
 

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I'll only add one thing to a lot of good advice already given...You must sincerely ask yourself not us...Is this as good as it gets? Then you must decide whether the answer is the one you want for your life...then set about either accepting,or changing. One more thing...it sounds to me as if you are suffering from depression of sorts..please make sure that you take care of yourself...depression is very serious.
 
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