Homesteading Forum banner
201 - 220 of 323 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,510 Posts
A Boy Scout, a priest, and a lawyer were all flying together. The pilot comes back to the passenger compartment and states that the plane is about to run out of gas. He says there are only 3 parachutes on board and puts one on and jumps out the door. The lawyer proclaims that his life is worth more than the other two because he is the most intelligent, grabs another chute and jumps out. The priest tells the scout to take the last parachute because the scout has his whole life ahead of him. The scout says that's not necessary because the most intelligent person grabbed his backpack and jumped out the door. .
 

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions.........

1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

7. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

8. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

9. If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

10. If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
 

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out.

All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.
 

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
A teacher worked for an affluential school

She asks her little students to bring something from their family for a show and tell. The next day, she calls little Mary to show what she had brought.

"I've brought a scalpel, teacher. It's my mom's, she is a heart surgeon"

"Oh, how marvelous! And you, Luke, what do you have there?"

"I've brought a syringe, teacher. It's my dad's, he's a plastic surgeon!"

"Wow! And now, how about you, Penny?"

"I've brought my brother's stethoscope, he is a pediatrician"

"How incredible! And you, little Johnny, what is that?"

"It's an oxygen cylinder, it's my grandma's"

"Your grandmother? Is she a doctor too? Tell us more about her, what did she say to you when you asked for it?"

"She said 'give it back, give... it... back, giv-..."
 

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
Why do smart people like to use big words?

It makes them sound more photosynthesis.
 

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years...

the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable
 

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
"Look at this!" I said to my roommate

"What happened?" he replied

"Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eighth plants are growing very healthily, but the other four are getting dry, even though I treated them the same!" I said

"Huh, weird!" he responded "water the odds!"
 

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
That new program on Netflix about subliminal persuasion and mind control is a load of boring crap.

Turned it off after just five seasons.
 
  • Haha
Reactions: no really

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
The government offered to buy back all my guns

I turned them down

I don't feel right selling firearms to organized crime.
 
  • Like
Reactions: po boy and Danaus29

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
My girlfriend thought we could stay dry if we ran between the rain drops.

I told her she's deluginal.
 

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
Mary needed veggies for dinner but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over.

She sends a text to her husband: "Honey please don't forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you.”

Paul, her husband, replied “Priscilla?"

“I’m kidding. I was just making sure that you read my message.”

Paul took a moment, then replied "But I'm with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about?"

Mary couldn't believe it. She had had suspicions for a while. "Where are you?"

"Near the vegetable market.”

"Wait I'm coming there right now!" forgetting about smudging her manicured finger nails, and her friends coming over, Mary snatched the car keys and within minutes she was at the market.

"Where are you?" she texted her husband.

"I'm at the office. Where are you?"

“I'm at the market" she replied.

“Great" he texted "Don't forget your veggies..."
 

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished...Naturally, (since he was her husband.) Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." "Did you dance much ?" "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to."
 
  • Like
Reactions: kalmara

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day as they were walking past the hospital pool, Ralph jumps into the deep end and sinks to the bottom and just stayed there..

..Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of this heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged as now she was considered to be mentally stable. She went to tell Edna the news in person. “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of a person you love....I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind”. “The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he is dead”. Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”
 
  • Like
Reactions: kalmara

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
The Hamster and the Frog

A shabby-looking man walks into an upscale bar full of businessmen and orders a Scotch. The bartender looks him over and says, "Sir, I don't believe you can afford the drinks at this establishment. May I ask that you go somewhere else?"

The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "You're right. I don't have any money on me. But I'll tell you what. I can show you a miracle. If I do, can I have one on the house?" The bartender sighs and nods, and sees the man take a hamster out of the pocket of his overcoat. Before the bartender can tell the man that animals aren't allowed, the man leans down to the hamster and says, "Play."

The hamster darts out of the man's hand, runs up to the grand piano in the bar's corner, and runs across the keys, playing Gershwin songs as he does so. It's incredible. Concert pianists don't play this well! At the end of the hamster's set, everyone applauds, and the bartender pours the man who came in a glass of their best Scotch.

The man savors the Scotch, and says, "That was incredible! If I show you another miracle, can I have another drink?" The bartender nods excitedly, and sees the man pull out a frog from his coat this time. He leans in and says, "Sing." The frog opens his mouth and begins singing a deep and rich love song. Everyone stops talking in the bar to listen to this frog. They have tears in their eyes, thinking about the ones they love, the loves that they let slip away. Not a dry eye in the bar. When the frog stops singing, the whole bar bursts into applause, and the weeping bartender gives the man the whole bottle of fine Scotch.

One of the businessmen comes up to the man and says, "Hey buddy, you look hard up. I'll give you five thousand dollars for the frog, what do you say?" The man thinks it over, says yes, and accepts five thousand dollars that the businessman offers. The businessman takes the frog and runs out. The bartender, shocked, looks at the man and shouts, "Are you nuts? That frog was beautiful! And it was a FROG! How could you let something worth a fortune go away like that?"

The guy takes a swig from the bottle and says, "What are you talking about? My hamster is also a ventriloquist."
 
  • Like
Reactions: po boy

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
I was standing next to this guy in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway what a smug SOB!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Center now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2022 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000".

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 
  • Like
Reactions: kalmara and 67drake

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
A woman treated her dry hair

...with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave a smell, she washed her hair with shampoo several times.

That night, in bed, she asked her husband, "Do I smell like Olive Oil?" He sniffed a little and replied "Why? Do I smell like Popeye?"
 
  • Like
Reactions: Evons hubby

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
Muhammad Ali & Joe Frazier go to a Dry Cleaner.

Owner says, "Can I help you?"

They say, "How much to wash an old pair of boxers?"
 

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
Marriage advice for dummies: Five worst things you can do

5 Abandon

4 Lie

3 Cheat

2 Abuse

1 Forget to put the toilet seat down.
 

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of $1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a $20 bill.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She asked

I said "$18.97"
 

·
Registered
Been There Done That, Got The T-shirt
Joined
·
7,333 Posts
Beer Belly

Some guy looked at my beer belly in the bar last night and asked sarcastically "Is that Budweiser or Heineken?"

My response: "There's a tap underneath, taste it for yourself."
 
201 - 220 of 323 Posts
Top