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My DD14 is confusing to me, guess I should be (kinda) happy but I am concerned. Me I was a social butterfly with a best friend and from her age a boyfriend. She is much more a loner “I see my friends enough at school I don’t need to see them on weekends” but now even in summer time has little or no drive to plan things with her handful of friends. She says she wishes her school were bigger since she doesn’t really feel she has found any candidates for very good friends here. I have qualms about not ponying up way too much money to send her to the local private academy but doubt her social issues would be magicly fixed there- she’d still be new, military, more Northern than Southern, not a makeup wearer, smarter than some if not quite so many of them, geeky rather than posh or very athletic. They DO have a soccer team there which is her sport, and they don’t have such a team at her current school….

Her history is her best friend back at ages 9 and 10 became envious/weird and started tormenting her- put her earrings in the school toilet, stole a piece of silk she played dress up with. This was not a full English girl but dad English military (NCO and we’re officer), mother German- lovely woman and matches my DH who’s half German, but I think some family tragedies (a damaged institutionalized older son, dead by the time we knew them, and history of sexual abuse in father’s family) contributed to the girl’s behavior. Since that betrayal DD14 hasn’t had such a good friend- a neighbor English girl whose family we were very close to was just not interesting for her (I think DD14 was a poor friend to her and should’ve tolerated some boredom just for society and if only as a service to the other girl- eg she would prefer to stay home alone than do things with the girl), similarly a girl here who adopted her and calls a lot but DD14 rarely accepts invitations nor even calls her back much, of course same thing with a few boys some ‘friends’ but now the main one has broken off with his ‘girlfriend’ I understand her reticence to spend time with him.

We wanted to ‘have the sandbox in our yard’ and have kids over here, which we can- in fact it might be a bar that her friends sometimes seem to call and ask “Why don’t you have us all over to swim/BBQ?” and her allowance is bigger than some of theirs- but she is not interested in being such a hostess despite my wishes. And it doesn’t seem to be my concern when I was a child- that our house was too messy for guests- though perhaps it is with her avoidance of any cleaning such a party might involve on her part….

Her Dad is a loner and was a similar child- computer interested back when they used punch cards. But at least he lived in town and got the out of doors running around with his friends. Now with great TV and computers and the outdoor heat and no neighbors she’s friendly with (though there ARE actually a few her age in our small subdivision but could she like them? Of course not) she rarely leaves the house.

She says her life is so good (and yes our house is a lot nicer than mine growing up was, and yes I had a best friend and boyfriend in part because my parents were experiencing their own second adolescence about that age for me) she doesn’t need/want much from outside our family and why aren’t I glad of that?

So if you’ve stayed with me this far, what should I do? Should I even worry? Hush and count my blessings? Guess I’ll wish she was a loner when she finally falls in love hard….
 

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just me
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Leaver her be, she's talking to you about how she feels and isn't hiding things from you, she just isn't as sociable as you. I was a lot like that and to be honest being a friend just to say you have a friend or putting up with someone that you don't like to make someone else happy isn't the best way to be.
 

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I was a loner too at her age - from about age 13-15. I didn't have any real desire to hang out with people at school during the weekend until I was 15 or so.

It is easy to just be satisfied with being a loner when you live on a farm - so, I spent time working outdoors with the animals, fishing, etc.

I remember my mom always trying to "do things with me" or "get me to talk" because she was worried to. Of course, for a teen - that means you resist a bit more (at least in my case)

What brought me out of my shell was more maturity, at 16 I was comfortable with how I looked because I was out of the awkward stage, I was involved in lots of activities at school.

I made up for those awkward loner years from that point on...the whole trauma with boyfriends and everything.
 

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bunny slave
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tiffnzacsmom said:
Leaver her be, she's talking to you about how she feels and isn't hiding things from you, she just isn't as sociable as you. I was a lot like that and to be honest being a friend just to say you have a friend or putting up with someone that you don't like to make someone else happy isn't the best way to be.
I'm inclined to agree with this. Plenty of people are just kind of introverted by nature, and there's nothing wrong with that. If she's capable of making herself happy without external help, then I think that's grand. Later on, she will have friends when she meets people she really likes and enjoys, not just because she feels she "needs people around."

If she really seems shy and traumatized from her negative experiences with her peers, that's different, and I would encourage her to work through that.
 

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I wouldn't worry to much, when my daughter was that age she was the same way. And yea I was concerned too. I was always trying to figure her out, everyone kept telling me it was normal teenage behavior and be thankful she wasn't out doing whatever, I would ask her are you depressed or something? she would always say no, but it always made me wonder.
She's always been a home body.

Now she's 16 and all her friends are getting their drivers liceinces she's always on the go, going to movies, the mall..

Anyways just hang in there it sounds like it might be a phase. Teens are hard to figure out at times.. lol
 

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I love South Dakota
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I would not worry. I was more like your daughter. I spent almost all my summer time alone, riding around on my horse or spending time with the cats (grew up on a farm) I have always had very few close friends, never enjoyed being out with a group of people.

However, I had a daughter that turned out to be a social butterfly. Always lots of friends, always on the go, hated sitting around home doing not much (we had 40 acres and horses, how could she have ever been "bored" LOL!!!)

It was very hard for me to accept that my daughter has a very different personality than mine. Things she thrives on would have been tourture for me. I had to learn to put up with a house full of giggling teenage girls, and deal with her social calender. I learned about makeup, hair color and styles, all sorts of personal hygeine stuff and I even sort of learned to enjoy clothes shopping!

Too bad my daughter is now grown, other wise I'd suggest a trade. My daughter would have loved the life you want to encourage your daughter to have.

I always dreamed of what it would be like to have a daughter, but I projected having one with the same interest and temperment as I have. Didnt happen. Her DH is not like that either, but her paternal grandmother is. Guess it skipped a generation.

Let your daughter be herself, but help her find where her interests and passions are. It would be good to find something she can be more active in, but it might not invovle a lot of "people" contact. For me it was my horse, and I spent way more time working with him and learning about animal care. My mother was afraid of horses, and did little to encourage it, but at least she didn't forbid it.

Cathy
 

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I was a lot like that as a yonung teenager. Things really changed for me when I went off to college. I met so many people there who were interesting and who shared my interests. I never knew I could get to like so many people so fast. I fit in so much better there than I ever did at high school.
 

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My ex-husband is a social butterfly. I've always beena loner, although now I talk more than I used to. My oldest DD is very social and the youngest is more introverted, like me. He always made her feel that something was wrong with her by trying to make her be more social. Like I told him, there is no right or wrong way to be. People are who and how they are. My youngest became self conscious behind all of his, you should talk. SHe is finally, at nearly 16, feeling comfortable with herself and how she is. Leave her alone. She's your daughter, she's not you. Let her grow and develop into the person that she's meant to be.
 

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It's really great that you have a relationship with your daughter where you can voice your concerns and she gives you honest answers. Now, as difficult as it is for you to accept - trust that she is being honest with you and listen to what she has said.

Simply tell her, that if she ever changes her mind about friends, or parties, or whatever you'll be there for her :)

Oh, she sounds like a great person, perhaps the hurt feelings has a part in her being extra careful now - perhaps not. Just let her know it's okay as long as she does not have problems with being extra careful.

Hugs,
Marlene
 

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I stayed in my room and read books. Didn't like parties. And reading this, it sounds as if MOM needs more socializing and trying to get it thru daughter.

Hope you can find a good place for you to have fun. She'll come out to play when she wants to.

Angie
 

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As Marlene can tell you I'm a "loner" type too. I like people in small doses. As long as she's talking, she's ok. If she withdraws from you, then it's time to worry. When I was her age, I didn't much like my peers either. They seemed petty, immature and lacking any "real" understanding of life. Honestly they bored me. Yet adults wouldn't take me seriously either.

Just be there for her, she'll flower as she's comfortable and able.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
AngieM2 said:
I stayed in my room and read books. Didn't like parties. And reading this, it sounds as if MOM needs more socializing and trying to get it thru daughter.

Hope you can find a good place for you to have fun. She'll come out to play when she wants to.

Angie
Mea Culpa! You all are my main social group after DH and dear mom; guess this fall I'll work on ME and my social life not her/s.
 

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One thing you mentioned was that soccer is her sport, but they don't have a team at the school she is in. I know up here in B'ham there are several soccer clubs, as well as soccer at the YMCA's. Could you get her involved in something like this? It's probably too late for the summer clubs, but you would probably be able to get her enrolled in fall soccer. I know several of the youth in the soccer clubs and they tend to be like your daughter, not the party/social type and little makeup and frilly stuff.

Dawn
 

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I'd let her be, if she's happy. Not everyone *needs* lots of friends.

I was pretty similar --I've always been a bit of a loner. Never had my friends -- and it was largely because other kids either bored me, apalled me, or picked on me.

And when I was about thirteen, my mother pushed me into throwing a pool party for a BUNCH of kids for my birthday. I cleaned the whole house, cleaned the pool, cleaned the yard, baked my own cake, baked cookies, etc., all by myself, because my mom was insistent that I should have a party -- and prepare for it myself.

Out of the thirty+ kids who RSVP'd and who I prepared for ... three showed up. One was mentally handicapped and a friend, one was someone I invited because *I* felt sorry for her (think foster kid who never bathed), and one was a very rich little girl whose mother found out she'd rsvp'd and made her attend. The latter girl made it very clear that she was only at the party under duress and sulked in a lawn chair the whole time.

Of course, the little girls who'd rsvp'd were attending ANOTHER party ... and called constantly to leave messages on the machine mocking me for believing they'd ever be so uncool as to attend my party. (And left messages mocking the little rich girl who was forced to attend, too, much to my dismay at the time.)

I ended up in tears. Total disaster of a birthday party. And my mom blamed *me* for not being socially aware enough to realize that the girls I'd invited would do this. We ended up with tons of wasted food. (Uh ... I only invited 'em because my mom insisted.)

My point? Sometimes, kids have reasons for not wanting anything to do with their peers.

(After that, at least, my mom stopped pushing me to try to have friends. I think she understood a little better why I wanted nothing to do with most of the girls I went to school with.)
 

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Our oldest dd was just like this! She never had friends over, she never would sit and chat on the telephone (if someone called she asked 'what they wanted' answered them and said good bye. She excelled at school (grad. 3 in the her class) and sports (softball, basketball, volleyball, tennis and swim). She spent most of her nights/weekends on the sofa or in her room.. We worried about her going off to college but she did very well, coming out of her shell and had lots of great friendships (that are still close , even though they have been out of college 12yrs and they are have families of their own). IF this is a big change in her behavior, I would worry. IF-- it is the same or a little different, I wouldn't worry too much about it (even though I did).. My other children made up for her being shy/social slower...the others drove me crazy because the phone was always ring, doorbell going off, friends in and out of the yard/house!
 

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Jenn, from one Jenn to another.. and I have a 15yo, who is the same way... LEAVE HER! :) Be thankful she isn't being influenced by her peers and WANTS to be w/her family. She'll come into her own, in her time.

JennNY
 

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14 year old athat's antisocial.... congrats, you got a normal one
 

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My 14 year old introvert has been home all summer. She's had friends over a couple of times. She's read five novels, dyed and spun a lot of yard and knitted most of a warm winter shawl. She's spinning right now so that she can finish knitting. She's perfectly happy. Her friends are great, peer pressure has never been a problem because she's fussy about who she hangs out with, and she's well adjusted. I bet your daughter's the same.
 
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