This is funny - merry christmas!

Discussion in 'Homesteading Questions' started by stumpyacres, Dec 21, 2005.

  1. stumpyacres

    stumpyacres Well-Known Member

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    This is so funny.
    My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken
    The time to send me forwards this year.
    Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
    Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
    Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
    Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
    I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
    I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
    I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
    I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
    I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
    I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
    I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
    I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
    I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
    I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

    Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
    I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
    Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
     
  2. wy_white_wolf

    wy_white_wolf Just howling at the moon

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    I'll make sure and wear my extra wide brimmed anti-pigeon hat this at 5:00 PM EST

    thank you for cursing me! :clap: :clap: :clap:
     

  3. jassytoo

    jassytoo Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Thanks for the laugh, love it. :D :D :clap:
     
  4. Tater Farm

    Tater Farm Well-Known Member

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    So far, I'm up to 142,673 and I have 2 mins. & 47 sec. left. Just might make it!

    Thank you for this one! :clap:
     
  5. Jim-mi

    Jim-mi Well-Known Member

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    I am so glad you have learned to live the good life.
    Isn't it nice not to have to take Exlax daily.
     
  6. 1/4acre

    1/4acre Well-Known Member

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    .. Thanks so much for the much needed laugh. :sing: :sing: :sing: :sing:
     
  7. Spotted Crow

    Spotted Crow Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for the much needed laugh today!
    Merry Christmas!!!
     
  8. fernando

    fernando Well-Known Member

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    You DARE make fun - repent !

    p.s. It really is not hard to train your dog to lick the envelope.
     
  9. tyusclan

    tyusclan Well-Known Member

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  10. OD

    OD Well-Known Member

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    I would like to send this to the SIL that sent me every one of those & more, but I'm afraid she'd never speak to me again.
    Thanks for the chuckle. :)
     
  11. canfossi

    canfossi Well-Known Member

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    That's cute! Thanks. Chris