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I laughed until I was almost sick reading this. I guess it depends on how you were raised. People either laughed themselves sick or thought I was weird that I would even think it was funny. I had one friend that I read it to (or at least attempted to) over the phone. She said the funny part was my laughing so hard trying to read it.

A Visit to the Ladies Room

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

In this position, your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance. To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet, of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in, too. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you needed it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly. "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.
 

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i dont know about germ phobia..at least where i used to work at a high profile bank.
women there had the most nastiest habits. downright disgusting.and it wasnt that the bathrooms were not clean..they were cleaned daily.

women can be very dirty about themselves...
 

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:rotfl: That is soooo true! And it's always 'just a few inches short' when you try to sit down, but use your foot to hold the broken door shut. Funny too,when there's NOT a line, you open every stall till you find one that 'meets your approval' from the previous flusher(or lack of :eek:).
I have a whole routine too(part of my career training maybe, but probably just OCD)...I take the towel FIRST, then hold in under my armpit while I wash(or option 2: wash my hands, then use my forearm to pump the towel dispenser), THEN...I take said towel and use it to touch the bathroom door handle, holding the door open with my foot while I twist like a pretzel to lob the towel towards the garbage can(option 2: walk thru store with germy paper towel in hand, looking for a trashcan)
 

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I believe that was written several years ago by Erma Bombeck. She had a definite talent!
 

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I've often thought Bombeck would have been one heck of a blogger.

Or maybe she was a blogger born before her time?
 

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I've often thought Bombeck would have been one heck of a blogger.

Or maybe she was a blogger born before her time?
I **loved** Erma Bombeck...her books can still make me LOL(because you're wondering where she kept the hidden camera in your house...now I wonder that about the guy who makes the "Zits" comic strip)
 

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This so true except I am doing all this with a bunch of toddlers and pre schoolers in the stall with me. :) Can't leave them outside for fear the chidren will be looking under all the stalls and asking the occupant "Whatcha doin'?"
 

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This so true except I am doing all this with a bunch of toddlers and pre schoolers in the stall with me. :) Can't leave them outside for fear the chidren will be looking under all the stalls and asking the occupant "Whatcha doin'?"
My son did that to me when he was about 3..it was a heavily attended outdoor festival, so the line was ginormous and I had to take him in the stall with me. As I'm doing my business, he's saying "Mommy, are you p**ping? I think I hear p**p Mommy", and the more I tried to ssshhh him, the louder he got. When it was time to leave the stall, one of the ladies in line said "So, what'd you do in there?" This is why animals eat their young.
 

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I have a long time friend that actually steals those "special" wipes that they have in the gyns office.. carries them in her purse for wiping down the seat... I found this out one day as I was getting ready to zip in to a public restroom.. she yelled WAIT!! I thought something was seriously wrong until she stolled over to me like a drug dealer passing off the loot. She handed me her little zippered bag with a purse size tissue pack, wipes for the potty and sanatizing gel for my hands.. I joked, hey, were are the plastic examination gloves? lol
 

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I have a long time friend that actually steals those "special" wipes that they have in the gyns office.. carries them in her purse for wiping down the seat... I found this out one day as I was getting ready to zip in to a public restroom.. she yelled WAIT!! I thought something was seriously wrong until she stolled over to me like a drug dealer passing off the loot. She handed me her little zippered bag with a purse size tissue pack, wipes for the potty and sanatizing gel for my hands.. I joked, hey, were are the plastic examination gloves? lol
Don't laugh because I carry sanitizing wipes and tissue in the basket of my electric scooter just for use in public bathrooms. I wipe EVERYTHING that comes in contact with my skin before I use the facilities. I also use a sanitizing wipe to open the door.

I probably leave the restrooms cleaner than when I arrived! :hobbyhors
 

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That piece always cracks me up! Unfortunately I can relate to it - and the comments about trying to do all of that with two kids in the stall with you. My problem is them wanting to open the door while I'm still going!

I like the idea of carrying an emergency stash of supplies - might just have to start doing that.
 

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In my wilder, single days, I noticed that the time spent sanitizing the toilet was in direct relation to the number of drinks I had...the first one or two, wipe the seat down and hover...the third and forth, just hover...after that, attempt to hover but end up on a wet seat. Yet another reason I am glad to be married...I needed to de-con my butt after an outing.
 

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I like the idea of carrying an emergency stash of supplies - might just have to start doing that.
Me too...I'm not just reading and laughing..I'm taking notes :p
 

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.

women can be very dirty about themselves...
We got a call that there was a 'spill' in the ladies restroom.
I was appointed to see what the problem was.
First stall on the right.
Not a 'spill'.

Someone had taken the trouble to stand on the toilet seat......
She had to be standing because it was so high up on the wall....and both stall walls...and the door...and everything else.
Diarrhea

And of course it had to be intentional..............
I sure hope there are no stories worse than this.
 

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I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. This is oh so true, especially the broken door and no hook for your purse, luckly I haven't run into the "no toliet paper" so far anyway, it's usually paper towels that are gone and the electric hand dryer on the wall that doesn't work that I have to contend with.
 

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This is one of the reasons that men have evolved to the point that we can go standing up (at least half of the time).
 
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