Tell me about your relationship w/ your Ex??

Discussion in 'Countryside Families' started by Queen Bee, Nov 22, 2006.

  1. Queen Bee

    Queen Bee Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Having the same mate for more than 34yrs. I don't know what the 'normal' is for divorced couples. Our dd's SO and his ex have (what I would call) a strained relationship. He has never been inside her house or on the porch, even though he 'picks up/ drops off' the kids there every other week end. He doesn't speak to her when he calls, he HAS to leave a message and then when she wants/has time to talk to him, she will call him back. IF she wants to talk to him she calls him screaming into the phone 'pickup you (blank-blank)"( I heard two of these on dd's answering machine.. She tells him only when the kids have done something bad(which seems really sad to me). She sends no clothes, toys, shoes except what they wear w/ them. She doesn't send their homework or school work w/ them. According to the children, she makes really mean/nasty remarks about my dd and their dad to them (they are 6/7) and then they are told "IF" they tell their daddy they will never get to see him again. Seems they are really worried about their daddy going to Hell! :Bawling:
    A few weeks ago they were here and the son killed a 6 point buck (he's seven) we thought it was the greatest thing--so I took pictures, made copies, sent two one for her and one for his room in a nice frame. He said she tore the picture up???? It wasn't because of him hunting--it's a normal thing around here.
    She left him for another man. He gave her the house and land--she sold it and moved. She is married w/ a tot of her own. They have been divorced for 6yrs. He pays a great amount of child support (500 more than court odered) according to dd, he buys clothes, toys, books, lots of learning material for school and then through out the yr., he pays for their insurance and half of what is not covered by insurance. My dd has a degree in education and works really hard at teaching them to read, write and math in a fun way.
    I know that I am only getting one side of the story but it seems that at least he is trying. We have known him and his family for most of his life. Never heard anyone but his ex say a bad thing about him.
    IS this NORMAL for divorced couples w/ children?? Thanks QB
     
  2. Ardie/WI

    Ardie/WI Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Unless you're one of the two people involved in a divorce, the truth is never simple. Even then, it isn't simple.

    I can't comment on the motives of the ex because I don't know her. All I can say is to put the childrens needs ahead of the adults.
     

  3. big rockpile

    big rockpile If I need a Shelter

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    All I can say is stay up on his Child Support and be involved with the Kids much as he can.

    I know with my ex everytime I would try to have anything to do with the Kids.She would have me throwed in Jail.I couldn't handle it so I just quit seeing them.

    Well I didn't see them for 15 years then run into one at the Doctors Office.Tried having a relationship with them it just isn't working.I did find out she had told them outragest lies about me and I had paid Child Support for two years on one Kid that I didn't need to.

    big rockpile
     
  4. DenverGirlie

    DenverGirlie Well-Known Member

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    my parents were divorced long before I have any mmories, I was still in diapers.

    I might have come from a "broken home" but my parents had and still have a friendly relationship. Perhaps a bit to friendly for my step mother but they do still talk with each other even thou I'm well into my 30's now.

    So normal... who knows. Certainly wouldn't have been my normal.
     
  5. justanacre

    justanacre Member

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    I'm still friendly with both my exes and their wives/girlfriends, we made sure that we were friendly because of the kids, they were young when I got divorced from both of them, the kids always came first no matter what and now that they a grown and have kids of their own it's made it great when we all get together for everyone.In fact one of my exes just bought me a diamond ring just because, his gf thinks it's great we get along so well and so do my kids. Lifes to short to hold grudges.
     
  6. FarmboyBill

    FarmboyBill Well-Known Member Supporter

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    My 2nd is like the post above. I dont see her at all, and we was married less than a year. My last which was married for 14, we get along good. She does things for me, and I do things for her OCCASIONALLY> I call her once a week, generally outa the need to talk to sombody. i can only call my kids so much. Thanksgiving will be held where she and her mom lives, in an old hotel; converted into a old folks home. shes 47, but at 450 cant do much for herself, so I guess they let her in as a package deal with her mom.All were city girls, (St. Joe, Mo.)
     
  7. fantasymaker

    fantasymaker Well-Known Member

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    QB
    Your answer is sadly yes.
    There is a reason they are divorced.
    If you wana know what she says about him you have to hang around her friends.
    But useres often marry givers and then are never happy with how much they give.
    My case isnt like this in fact we get along better now than ever .I look at it that the dumb stuff she does is none of my business now and I think she does the same.When we seperated the kids were old enough to decide where they went ,now the kids are long past raiseing and I trusted her enough to do a good job of that so we really just didnt have anything to fight over.
     
  8. Tricky Grama

    Tricky Grama Well-Known Member

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    I can only respond that the situation is terrible for the children.

    #1- I'd stop the $500/mo over & above the designated child support am't. I'd spen that on the kids when they were w/me instead. No way would I be giving it to that (edited out)
    #2- I'd go to the courts or MSW or whatever is available in your county/town & present the situation to them. If this was an ex-wife having to endure the abuse, somthing would get done...since men are supposed to "take" this type of treatment, maybe nothing can be done.

    #3- Since the DSIL is a good person, the entire community knows he is, I'd enlist as many folks as I could to be on his 'side'. I don't know how to do this w/o airing dirty laundry, tho.

    #4- Maybe I'd just poison the old hag.

    My ex & I were at odds for several years, then both of us transformed somehow. Now we drive 500 miles to be w/kids & g'kids & have Xmas dinner w/him & his SO!! Go figure.

    Patty
     
  9. Boleyz

    Boleyz Prognosticator, Artist

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    The saddest thing is that your daughter's husband/live-in (you said SO) has an X-wife who is using the kids as a blunt instrument to beat him up.

    Unfortunately, yes, it is fairly common for divorces to be like this. I don't know if it's NORMAL, as in, the majority of cases, but I do know it is fairly common.

    When a woman (or man) leaves the father/mother of their children due to unfaithfulness, there comes a large baggage of guilt. Many people deal with the guilt by trying to justify their own selfish behavior.

    Just from what you posted, I would say the x wife is feeling pretty guilty for leaving a good husband and provider for her "Party Guy". She sees the kids love and want their Daddy and so she gets "Slapped in the Face" with guilt every time he is mentioned or gets the kids.

    Therefore, he has become the focus of the guilt which plagues her, so she hates him. Phychobabblers would call what she is doing "Displacement".

    Rather than assume her own responsibility for the guilt she is feeling, she transfers it to him and her self anger/loathing is also directed at him. Not much to be done, since she doesn't accept responsibility for her infidelity.

    Sad part is that the kids will be damaged because of it, and will likely have baggage of their own to deal with for the rest of their lives.
     
  10. MullersLaneFarm

    MullersLaneFarm Well-Known Member

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    I've been divorced from the children's father for 11 years. It was an abusive marriage (verbal & physical). To this day he plays head games with the children. Children exchange takes place at the police station. I never denied him visitation and time and time again offered more visitation. The courts did take away visitation for almost a year when he started beating me up again in front of one of the children. There has been many times when he doesn't pick up the kids for his visits.

    I've tried various ways of non-confrontational communication with him, including letters. Now a days, when we have to communicate, my husband talks to him.

    He has quit many jobs over the years to avoid paying child support. Went from a high paying job to minimum wage. (he's currently over $20,000 behind with an additional $10,000 for medical reimbursements). He's currently working for cash under the table.

    Many, many, many times when my kids were growing up and asking "Why does Dad ..." I could only shake my head and answer, "I don't know." I've taken the high road and it hasn't killed me yet (although my tongue is scarred from biting it so often!)
     
  11. Hip_Shot_Hanna

    Hip_Shot_Hanna Well-Known Member

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    It's very difficult for exes to get along - usually because there are children involved. One may use the children, the other may be furious because of that. So it's difficult to be civil. Exes have their own hangups because of that person, etc...

    In my own case, I divorced after 26 years of marriage that were difficult because ex was a control freak and abusive. Still felt guilty, but was so ANGRY with him (and myself for putting up with it so long) that it was difficult for me to be pleasant, though I was civil.

    Now, after five years of marriage to a wonderful man that actually loves and respects me, I no longer struggle with the feelings I had when I left the ex. I can actually have a pleasant conversation with him when necessary. I have even told my children, (who all live within a three hour drive) that their father may come and spend Christmas morning and have dinner here, if he's down here then. (He lives 1500 miles away). The reason? I KNOW my children would love to be able to have Christmas with both parents, and my DH is not in the least threatened by this idea. (Of course we discussed it beforehand!)

    At this point I don't know whether he will even be down this way then or not. The fact is, he just doesn't impact on my life at all, other than some "baggage" I still deal with from time to time. (Those really low self esteem things are hard to kick)

    As long as I expect NOTHING of my ex, I'm rarely disappointed.. :D
     
  12. Shadow

    Shadow Well-Known Member

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    Me and the first wife after 25 years agreed to go our sepate ways she had met a friend of mine and they wanted to get married. We agreed the kids would never be used as pawns, and the kids would never play me or her against each other, like look what mother bought me what are you going to ge me.
    That was 23 years ago we are still friends, her second husband passed away years ago. My second wife and the first are friends and we have had Thanksgiving dinner with the first for the past 10 or 12 years.
    Thats what we will be doing tommorow.
    People that use the kids as weapons and keep up the fighting for years are to be pityed and should be made to get help.
    I have seen it over and over and it is really bad.
     
  13. AngieM2

    AngieM2 Big Front Porch advocate

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    my ex -
    I've seen him twice since the divorce. Once 15 years after, once about 17 or 18 years after.

    Interesting facts of his life came out during divorce. He ran from the government so I did not get child support or maintenance/allimony (I helped him build 4 businesses). I did work with government investigators to make sure I was not implicated in the frauds he did at the end of the marriage/businesses. He did spend 3 years in fed pen, then out and started child support back payments, and then 7 years in a state pen... I don't want to know much about him, cause then I have to co-operate with government agencies...

    By the 7 year term I started being less angry. I even occasionally sent him small money orders for necessatites that he could get (deoderant, pop corn, toothpaste, etc). When he was getting on his feet and I was in a good position work wise, I did give him a gift of $500 which he needed for rent, but I didn't know it until I offered it. He's in Albequrque NM and that's close enough to ALA for me.

    The children were little when the divorce happened, and the courts said he should never see them alone again in their life as he was totally inappropriate from the two states custody evaluations. I had it where he could see them at his mom and dad's or sisters - both lived close to where I moved to be with family. He chose to see them once before the divorce was final, and not again until they were in high school. I had absolute sole custody.

    Last time I saw him, he looked like an old grey puddle.... and I felt sorry for him. Then I knew he could not control me (much anyway....). I find that the anger is mostly gone, but the scars are still very deep.

    The girls know about him now, learned more and more about his choices as they grew up. They have their own opinions of him. They have his maiilng address and phone number, and sometimes call him.

    But he has not yet acknowledged in any manner the e-mails or other notifications of his grandchildren (oldest is 3 1/2), so he doesn't do family well.

    And due to health problems, he's surprised to be alive at 60. At least that's what he told oldest daughter when she called him on his b'day.

    He was/is a great salesman, and pretty darn good con-man....

    Oh well, he has to live with himself.... and if there are winners in these situations it has got to be me. I got to have the girls, but lost everything I owned more than once.....

    I'm okay. Hope he is.

    Angie
     
  14. Judy in IN

    Judy in IN Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I have no contact with the Ex....Another headgamer, and abusive. Why would I want that in my life? So, I don't call, although I have his number in my directory--so he can't catch me by suprise.

    Life is good now, and I am building a new life. I don't talk about the ex much, because I don't want to THINK about the ex.
     
  15. manygoatsnmore

    manygoatsnmore Well-Known Member Supporter

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    There were some very bitter years when I was raising the kids without help from my ex, he was drinking, and he was actively trying to talk the kids into living with him (and at times, succeeded with the teen boys). I also am owed over 45K in child support that I do not anticipate ever seeing. Mostly nowadays, I just feel sorry for him. He's 49, lives in a house owned by his mother, is supported by his 2nd e-wife with whom he lives, and he does nothing much at all. He quit a great job when we divorced because they base child support on earnings, and worked sporatically until the state would find him, then would quit after they took out a payment or 2 on the child support.

    He was making 30K a year then, about 20 years ago. He owes me 45K and the state about 15K, which is about 2 year's gross wages at what he made back then. If he had just paid then, he would have been able to work, save for retirement and to buy whatever he wanted to have, and he'd have the self respect that comes with having supported his kids and supported himself. Instead, he has nothing, not even a driver's license (not that it keeps him from driving). I doubt he has car insurance without a license, which makes him a danger to anyone he may hit. He's pretty well wasted his life.

    I was going to college when we divorced, got my nursing degrees (LPN, then RN), and I have a home of my own (well, me and the bank) on land, as well as a career I love. I feel like my life has a real direction, not just drifting.

    We see each other when we need to for the kids (grown now), and are cordial, even friendly at times. I mourned when his dad died, and he mourned for mine. We both love our kids, and would do anything to help them, although we have different methods for doing so (he's more an enabler, I'm more a tough love-I'll help you as long as you are making an effort to help yourself). He's been sober for a long time now, so that's no longer a bone of contention. We still live in the same area, but we don't go out of our way to see each other unless it involves the kids. There's no real feeling for him left after all this time, not love, not hate, just a wish that he'd pay his debt someday (I could really use the money even now), and maybe a bit of pity.

    Now, just don't get me started on my XMIL from you know where!
     
  16. BertaBurtonLake

    BertaBurtonLake Well-Known Member

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    If she is not careful, this behavior will backfire on her and she will alienate the kids from her, NOT him.

    My ex married our babysitter after our divorce was final (she moved in with him 2 months after I left him) She is a manipulator and a user and generally just a mean spirited selfish person. When my kids were growing up, I never said a bad word about her (or their father) to them, keeping my own counsel and venting from time to time with my sister or brothers. As they got older, they began to see for themselves who she is and who their dad is. They are both adults now and see their dad and talk to him, but neither one of them like her. If I had badmouthed her as she did me, I would be no different than her. I believe it is most often the best course to take the high road and let everything else sort itself out.
     
  17. QBVII

    QBVII Well-Known Member

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    That is true, it doesn't matter what your ex did, you shouldn't badmouth him or her in front of the children!
    The other parent is still their Mom or Dad and when you rage against the ex, you are chipping away at your child's self-esteem.

    It hurts the children and the children only.
     
  18. dagwood

    dagwood Well-Known Member

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    I don't have an ex-wife. Does that count? Do I get a prize now? :p :p
     
  19. AngieM2

    AngieM2 Big Front Porch advocate

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  20. dagwood

    dagwood Well-Known Member

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    LOL! I got an ice cream cake and a big hug for our 25th wedding anniversary. She got diamonds.....go figger. :p