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wife,mom,taxi driver,cook
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6,674 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have call blocking but I guess she went to someone's house......
Anyway Sunday is ds birthday. She wanted to come down right then or on Saturday to bring him a present. I would've let her....but I asked her one question before i told her she could. There are three other children who have had birthdays this year and she didn't want to come down for their birthdays......one she sent $5, one $20, and one nothing. Now this is not the first time something like this has happened. Repeatedly, year after year, one dd is slighted. Without fail she is the child who gets nothing from her. My mother has her favorites and she always does more, makes a big deal out of their bdays than of the others.
so my question to her was what made ds so much more special than the other three? That was enough to send her into a tirade. I was called the usual names, told not to come around when my grandmother dies and so on. Then she hung up.
Ds got a card in the mail yesterday from her........He's only 5 (6 on Sunday!) so I opened it to make sure she wasn't spouting obscenities in it (she has before to the other kids) sure enough all that she had written was how much she loved him and how mean (along with a word I don't care him to know) I was because I wouldn't let her come to see him. Needless to say he won't be getting that card. The inlaws also sent him a card yesterday and that one he got without me opening it.
I just don't think a birthday card to a soon to be 6yo is the place to tell that child that you don't like their mother.
But it just confirms that just because someone is related to you by blood doesn't mean they need to be around you or that it is healthy for them to be.
My mother pitted me against my middle sister non stop growing up.......all I ever heard was how much better she was than me at everything....she was smarter, and prettier, and so on. She was always right regardless. She could ag things on till the cows came home and never get in trouble...all I had to do was look at her and I was in hot water. That sis and I are still not close today. It thrills my heart to see my older girls as best friends! Ah well I have saying for families along the lines of good fences make good neighbors......long distances make bad families bearable.
 

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Halfway, OR & Wagoner, OK
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3,306 Posts
Ginnie,

I'm so sorry this is happening in your family. I think you did the right thing--not to just shove it under the rug.

MY DH comes from a wonderful family (I thought). Then I finally realized that his mother is the same way--in her sweet little way she has favorites. And heaven help the one who is not favored at the moment.

It has caused a great deal of anguish in this family, and she can't figure out why some don't even come around her. My DH happened to be the "black sheep", although he loved his mother dearly==he could never please her.

To this day, he calls her every evening and is the best son a mother could ask for--but he'll never measure up. Little brother and sister are her favored ones. And it's going to be that way in her will to--mark my words--she's 86 now.

I dread the day. It will hurt my DH so bad. It's not the "stuff", it's just the favoritism. It's just so bad and painful to kids.

You're doing the right thing.
 

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In Memorium
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15,516 Posts
My mother played those games too. She pitted my sister and I against each other from my birth to her death. Though my sister and I know it now, we still aren't bonded.

She did the same with our children- my sister's children were her favorties. Then she wondered why my children didn't visit her. I raised them to treat her with respect, but she got no love from them. Oh well...she's dead now. God rest her tormented soul.



Ginnie, explain to your DH that she is a sick woman and nothing he will ever do will change that.
 

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Accidental Farmer
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14,837 Posts
And this is why i live 3000 miles away from my mother...she is the same way! I feel for you...and especially those children of yours. (hugs)
 

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5,553 Posts
I feel so much sorrow and sadness for those who have a mother who for whatever reasons can not give her children the love and understanding we all deserve. Your mother should be the one person you can always count on to be there for you. It might not help much, but maybe it'll make you feel better if you find an excuse for her being that way? Like her mother dropped her on her head as an infant and she hasn't been right in the head since?

I'm available for motherly stuff if anyone is interested - I don't care how old you are either :) But I gotta warn ya - I never actually got to be anyone's mother so I'll be flying by the seat of my pants.

Hugs,
Marlene
 

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Accidental Farmer
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14,837 Posts
MarleneS said:
I feel so much sorrow and sadness for those who have a mother who for whatever reasons can not give her children the love and understanding we all deserve. Your mother should be the one person you can always count on to be there for you. It might not help much, but maybe it'll make you feel better if you find an excuse for her being that way? Like her mother dropped her on her head as an infant and she hasn't been right in the head since?

I'm available for motherly stuff if anyone is interested - I don't care how old you are either :) But I gotta warn ya - I never actually got to be anyone's mother so I'll be flying by the seat of my pants.

Hugs,
Marlene

Oh good, I'll be calling you to talk me through making pumpkin pie crusts in the fall then....mom LOL!
 

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mean people suck
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2,533 Posts
That sounds like my dad in drag LOL! It has taken me along to finally come to grips with the fact that just because they are family doesn't mean it is healthy or even necessary to have a relationship with them. Not to mention I don't want him or his other family around my kids. Good for you for standing up to her and standing up for you kids! Just remember YOUR kids are the ones who will pick your nursing so at this point they are more important LOL (just thought I would try and lighten things up a little lol)
 

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nosey, but disinterested
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3,220 Posts
My Mother was always just plain self centered. Multiplied 10 fold with her Alzheimers. She never played favorites with the grandchildren, I really don't think she liked any of them. Made it easier to have all the kids treat her the same way. My Grandmother, on the other hand------- I was very obviously her favorite and all the rest of the kids, and my Mother, were unhappy about that! Better you treat them all mean, I guess.

Moopups :bow: you have been in really good form lately on the replies!
 

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Registered
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360 Posts
The next time she manages to get a call through to you just keep saying "hello.. hello.. hello.. is someone there.. hello. I guess not" then hang up. You'll have to pretend you can't hear her and just talk over her, but it works. Then make a note of the number she called from and block that too!
 

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proud GRAMMA
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2,261 Posts
I had a grandmother who favored my oldest-disabled son, and had nothing to do with my other 2 children at the time. Her and my aunt went as far as to take my son to VT on a familytrip which they had my permmission and stayed longer than usually but kept calling and making sure it was alrighT AFTER 3 WEEKS I was startingt o wonder what was up,, the state of NH and VT found me for negelect and abandonment of my son, because of my gram and aunt, took me 2 yrs to prove i didnt abandon him, I got him back and they never got to see him for along time , it wasnt until my grampa got really sick and i had to bring son with me. They were told hands off, i wont be put through the wringer again,, I have 3 children (at the time) and if they couldnt pay attention equal to all 3 then they wouldnt pay any attention to any.,, Lets say they lost out on some pretty awsome kids.. Stick to your guns,, kids can feel the difference even at young ages the other 2 wanted to know why great gram didnt like them.
 

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This is my life
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3,922 Posts
How did all of you know my grandmother? It is sad to watch your mother be talked to like a terrible child when you know how much she has done for the old bat. My mom is the one who sent money home, bought her meds, took her shopping , took her into her home when she was dying from cancer but my Uncle is the one who was the golden child, did not even visit her once she got sick and did not go to the funeral "he doesn't do sick people well" as the next generation let me say, at least I know there really is no pleasing some people and your children do know how hard you have tried.
 

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Premium Member
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3,931 Posts
I have a little twist on this. My husband's grandmother was the favorite, and doted on her mother as well. To the point that it damaged her first marriage, but that is another story.

When her mother became ill, she was the primary caregiver. Groceries, medicine, doctors, moved her in, everything. Partly because of this her mother gave/left her a couple of special things and a little cash to help offset the expenses and time she'd spent. The other two kids were furious and stopped speaking to her for some time. Their relationships were somewhat damaged from there on out. Fast forward years and years, her brother is sick with cancer. She does similarly, though brother has a wife and kids that are the primary caregivers; goes and helps, cooks and takes meals sometimes, sits and visits with him, etc. Everything seems fine, up to the point that he dies; his widow and children call her and tell her not to come to the funeral and they don't ever want to see her again, citing the entire favorite child thing as their reason. Saying her brother felt the same way and had told them so.

So now she's left heartbroken and doesn't really know if he really felt that way and was just using her, or if they had truly mended their fences and it's just the wife and kids that carried a grudge to the point of not letting her come to the funeral or send flowers.

All my kids are my favorites, and I tell them so all the time!
 

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Mother,Artist, Author
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3,531 Posts
Growing up we had a family that lived next door to us who had several children. The mother was a pleasant woman, wierd though, but she played favorites with her children. She had two daughters and she doted over one and constantly ignored the other. The one she favored she would comment how beautiful she was while the other daughter stood there and her mother would berate her. I felt so sorry for her. But when they grew up, the daughter she ignored and treated badly was the nicest and most sweetest person to know. The other one turned right out ugly and snobbish. This mother use to breastfeed her youngest until he was seven years old, and use to pre-chew his food for him. YUCK! Wierd woman.
 

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Zone 7B
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2,481 Posts
My mom passively agressively played favorites.... (she swears she didn't) but I was always odd man out... and I learned very early on that no matter WHAT I did it wouldn't ever measure up to my sis and bro.... My siblings and I aren't close... (neither are they)

I foster as much closeness between my kids as possible... I want them to be able to depend on each other and be close after they are adults!! I also want them to know that I love them each equally....


And during our quiet times, I always tell each of them secretly "You're my favorite, ya know that?" They just grin and say "Yea, I know mom!!"
 
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