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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
just wondering how other folks get through some of lives curve balls.My oldest daughter is most likely heading for prison..a felony. My husband and i have adotped her 4 kids. After this last arrest she was told to stay awy until she gets her life in some sort of order.I am 51 and sooo tired, its hard to raise grand kids even if you love them. My mom died a month ago. My daughter a senior and ther star basketball player ripped her knee up..ac and some other thing.and is prob gonna need surgery, I feel so bad for her, she's a great kid....and has worked 9 yrs to get where she is. My hubby and i are having some problems...let me suffice to say I want to put a brick through every tv in the house.I am depressed even on meds. Its been raining for a wek....
I dont want to be 51 .and in my position. I want a do over.
 

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Crisco, mght I say you are doing a WONDERFULL job? You truly are!

Adults choose for themselves: it is what they do. I chose the agrarian life: your oldest chose the reckless and exciting life as is my nephew.

You CANNOT rescue your oldest any more than I can rescue our nephew: it is, and has been, their choice. For that matter, my parents could not rescue me from outside life, though I am pretty sure that my Mother wanted to!

There is nothing good under this sun that cannot be used for ill. And, alas, adults choose.

You *ARE* doing a great job" look at your daughter the senior!

Perhaps you can leave the kids this evening and go out to the bookstore and a cafe'? Sometimes Mothers need to, you know! Even those of us in their 50's!
 

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Stop...:hand:

Take a deep breath...:whistle:

And know we're praying for you! I don't have much advice to offer, but here at HT, we are your 'virtual shoulder' to lean on, to cry on and we always lend an ear... :grouphug:
 

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Big Front Porch advocate
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I hear your frustrations... and wish I had wise words to help the soul hurt.
All I can do is offer a great big hug...



Angie
 

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nosey, but disinterested
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It's hard to accept how stupid our grown children can be, isn't it? This is a tough one. Is the children's father active in their lives at all? If so, this could be a little help to you. Please don't resent the fact that you have been given these children, they will feel that resentment no matter how much you try to keep it from them and direct it only at their mother. I know she is a disappointment to you right now, but no matter how her life works out, she is your daughter. I find it impossible to turn love for my child off. I can be stern and tough on him, but I can't turn the love off. Having his daughter around me reminds me what a sweet child he was, gives me more hugs than I would get otherwise, fills my day with wonderful childlike ideas. I could just watch her, amazed by the things she does, forever. Take advantage of this time. If your daughter does spend any time in prison, this will likely be a time that she reflects on her past behavior. You can make that positive or negative for her. You can either try to make her feel bad about herself every time you talk to her or take the kids to visit, or you can offer moral support and love to her. Making her feel bad about herself will have no positive effect. Not on her, her kids, or yourself. As far as the relationship with your husband goes, you two need to talk about this thing that is changing your lives and the atmosphere in your home. You need to discuss the fact that if your daughter had died unexpectedly, you two would have worked together as a team to make sure her kids were taken care of. Well, this isn't that much different where the need for her kids is concerned. And thank goodness she didn't die. At least you can see her once a week, talk on the phone, share her children's accomplishments with her. Animosity will get you and your family nowhere. If you are a member of a church, this also may be a good time to have a conversation with the minister about what is happening, he may have some very valuable advice for you, also. Put your faith in the higher power and you will not feel so overwhelmed. If you need, I have BTDT with my son, PM me for any little thing that may pop into your head concerning this situation.
 

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wife,mom,taxi driver,cook
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well I'm not raising grandkids...but I can relate to how you feel. I'll be 44 next month and my life is not what i was expecting. I'm working at a job I hate, my hubby is NOT the man I was married to even 5 years ago, and life just keeps on coming and changing. I thought by this point we would be so stable..........lol!
 

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It's a big enough adjustment with a baby, and you get nine months for that! You got quads overnight, no wonder your head is spinning, not to mention the worry and stress over your daughter. I bet the kids are confused, scared, and angry and that's just a barrel of laughs in itself.

Can you get some time just for yourself somehow? Even thirty minutes with a coffee and a book? How old are the kids?
 

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So sorry to hear of all your troubles!

Please don't worry about your younger daughter's knee. I snapped my ACL when I was much older than her and don't have any problems with it. She will probably need re-constructive surgery and then lots of therapy. Make sure she does everything the therapist tells her to do. PT is the most important part of the process!

If you are on medication and still have depression symptoms, you may need a different prescription. If you haven't had one for a while, please take the time for yourself and get a check-up.

Remember that your grandkids are probably much better off with you than with their mom. Think of the time you have with them as a blessing and remember to take care of yourself!
 

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Hang in there Crisco things will get better ! I went through a time with the grandkids too, it all works out somehow.We will be praying for you !(((HUGS)))
 

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If your DH is not engaging, he might be hurting too.....just a thought.

Hang in there! You are not your childrens' choices. You injured daughter will heal. Your grandkids will bless your life though it is so hard to raise them now.

If the rain continues, invest in a full -spectrum sunlamp. It really does help!
 

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Icelandic Sheep
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You can do this, but first you have to accept that you can't live like you thought you would at this stage of your life. Acceptance of where you are is the first thing to do.

Second thing I would do (everyone is different, but this works for me) is write some of this down so that you can see it objectively. You say your oldest daughter is probably going to go to prison for something. Okay. There is exactly squat that you can do about that. You can't fix that even if you wanted to. Let it go. Water rolling off a duck's back. It can't be your burden. Your other daughter hurt her knee. It's the doctor's job to fix that. Mentally, give that burden to him. It's his problem, not yours. You have grandchildren to raise (at least for the time being.) Accept it. Put your momhat on. Are there things you wish you could do differently than when your own children were young? You get another chance. The children need love right now and (I'm guessing) some serious training. Hop to it. Once they're used to the way things are done in your home things will calm down.

Once you relax by letting some of these burdens go and get the kids settled into a new routine, I'm thinking your husband will stop retreating into the television and that will take care of itself. Yes, it's not fair that you have to be the one to start the ball rolling, but you can only control you.

(((Hugs)))

:coffee: RedTartan

ETA: About the rain. Hang the electric bill and turn on all the lights, even in the daytime. That's what I do. I have serious brain fog/sadness when there's no sun. Turn on some music. Turn on the lights. Move.
 

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Do overs are cool when yer a kid playing a game, but in real life we dont get those. What we get instead is much better, we get a brand new day........... every morning! When I get to feeling like you are now, I look at yesterday, and tell myself, that was no fun, lets make today different. I find something I can do to make the changes into a positive future and put those changes in place. You have just been handed some great opportunities if you look at it that way. Bakeing cookies with the grandkids on the rainy days, take them fishing on the sunny days, or just going for walks with them, teaching them about how magical life can be is often very rewarding in itself. You cant change what your daughter will be going through, or what DH has become, so deal with the things you can change. Make a positive effort to have fun along the way, no matter what sort of road you are traveling. Its a brand new day out there, What are you going to do with it? You get to decide whether to make it a fun pleasant day, or you can let it become a gray dreary miserable day. Me? I think I will turn this day into a fun one. Its rainy and gray outside, so I am going to bake some bread, do a bit of house cleaning with my fav tunes on, play a bit with the puppy, and maybe hit the ol hot tub, finish putting up the trim around the winders in the addition, maybe even get the last of the power hooked up out there. (Not necessarily in that order.) Make the best or your day, have fun with those grandbabies! :)
 

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You can do this, but first you have to accept that you can't live like you thought you would at this stage of your life. Acceptance of where you are is the first thing to do.

Second thing I would do (everyone is different, but this works for me) is write some of this down so that you can see it objectively. You say your oldest daughter is probably going to go to prison for something. Okay. There is exactly squat that you can do about that. You can't fix that even if you wanted to. Let it go. Water rolling off a duck's back. It can't be your burden. Your other daughter hurt her knee. It's the doctor's job to fix that. Mentally, give that burden to him. It's his problem, not yours. You have grandchildren to raise (at least for the time being.) Accept it. Put your momhat on. Are there things you wish you could do differently than when your own children were young? You get another chance. The children need love right now and (I'm guessing) some serious training. Hop to it. Once they're used to the way things are done in your home things will calm down.

Once you relax by letting some of these burdens go and get the kids settled into a new routine, I'm thinking your husband will stop retreating into the television and that will take care of itself. Yes, it's not fair that you have to be the one to start the ball rolling, but you can only control you.

(((Hugs)))

:coffee: RedTartan

ETA: About the rain. Hang the electric bill and turn on all the lights, even in the daytime. That's what I do. I have serious brain fog/sadness when there's no sun. Turn on some music. Turn on the lights. Move.
Wow: Post-of-the-Day award!! Re-read Red's post then read it again.
Then KNOW that we all are pullin' for ya! Prayers & good thoughts from here.

Having said that, I have no advice. I am sure I would just crumble! The Lord gives us what we can take. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. All these things I'd cuss at, I'm sure! Oh, and the other one: "So many people are far worse off". Well, you are not 'other people' and you're hurting right now.

It has to get better. Enjoy those precious g'kids. Talk to your DH. Talk to all your family. Enlist help from them-don't whine, just state what you need. Pray. Meditate. Rest. Make time for a quiet cup of tea EVERY DAY! Hang in there.

Patty
 

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I've learned by watching others and through my own life experiences that some times you take much smaller steps, and just trudge along.

One day at a time, and that's the biggest unit, sometimes it's a lot smaller.
 

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You have gotten a lot of great advice, I hope everything gets better for you. You might want to check and see if the county or someone like Lutheran Social Services have a Respite program you can use. When my mom was a single mom with a ADHD son and was taking care of my Grandfather, they were able to find someone to take care of my grandfather and my brother so that she could get some time to herself. It did wonders for her.
 

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Quit looking at the big picture and focus on today. Grab a kid and hug them and tell them how glad you are that they are there for you to love. Kids are like flowers in the garden....a little TLC makes you both feel better.
 

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If its like around here maybe she will only get 120 days,to shock her into getting turned around.

Truth it could be worse even though you don't see it and I'm sure if you look hard you can find some good.

But you do have my Hugs and Prayers.

big rockpile
 

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Hugs and prayers for you...I'm sorry you are going through a hard time :(
 
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