[Peacock]

I was going to say "bad girl" but that has a different connotation from what I'm referring to.

This is in regard to money. We're not doing so hot. We're barely making ends meet, have racked up some credit card debt over the summer, and have some expensive things to pay for soon. Like a pricey part for our furnace, a new roof, some plumbing repairs, etc. AND DH just wrecked his car about a week ago (just a door dent, he's fine) so there's a $250 insurance deductible to get it fixed. HAS to get his "baby" fixed. I can't blame him, as long as we're still making payments it has to be kept up.

So recently we had this big blow-up about money. He was angry at the way I'd been managing our money. Evidently making it stretch twice-over is beyond my abilities. Said HE was going to take over. He was even going to do the grocery shopping because he didn't think I could do it properly. Whatever. Didn't happen. We go through this every several months when he realizes that OMG, we're broke, he doesn't like it, and decides it's all my fault. Then life goes on just like it did before.

So now it's my fault because my business isn't doing well, I need to get a job, blah blah, well, I'm workin' on it. It's not easy. Now we have another reason to blame it on me because I "can't find a job." Of course I know if I get a job and we're still broke, it'll be my fault for not having time to do things economically, you know, too many new clothes for work, too many convenience foods, etc.

OK. Now if you've been following the swimming pool saga, you'll remember how last winter DH wanted to buy an RV and I wanted a pool, we got the pool. Pool is still not installed. Everything is conspiring against us it seems. We have a nice dusty crater in the yard where the pool is supposed to go and it is, as it has been for quite some time, "almost ready." He was going to install it on his 2-week vacation, which just ended. But he decided it wasn't level enough. So we had to pay the Bobcat guy to come out again. He said when that was done we'd put the pool up. But he decided that some of the dirt wasn't packed down enough, so we have to wet it down daily for a week now to compact it better. Next weekend, he says. Too late for swimming this year, but hey, it'll be up. I wonder what will happen next weekend to prevent it from being installed? Oh, and I might point out that this requires more money too, we need to buy sand, and supplies to run electric out to the pool filter, etc. and he wants to have water brought in to fill it instead of using the hose (city water here), yadda yadda.....

SO...last night he comes to me and says that our friend knows where he can get a great deal on an RV (same friend who got us a "great deal on a golf cart", remember that one? When I said no, we don't need a golf cart for $400 but he bought it anyway?). Friend of a friend is selling his Class C Winnebago for $5,000. New fridge and A/C, well maintained.

Well, I said no. DUH! I don't CARE how much we want this RV. I don't CARE what a "great deal" it is. I don't CARE that supposedly we'll "never find a deal like this again", he says. NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! We have BILLS TO PAY.

But I'm the bad guy.

I just can't see the big picture, how much fun we'll have in the RV.

Now the kids were there listening and they're all excited about "our new RV."

DH finally grudgingly said "OK, you're right..." but added that if I got a job in the next month or so, he was going to go ahead and buy it.

You know where this is going, don't you? If I don't get a job in the next month or so, I'll really be the bad guy.

I am sick of it. Just sick.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Wendy]

If things are that bad, why not sell the pool & forget putting it in. No sense sticking more money into something that will cost even more money to maintain if you don't have any extra money. Know what I mean??

 

[Peacock]

Yeah, I've certainly thought about it. But we've already put $400 into site leveling and a lot of sweat into getting the site prepped. We wouldn't get half of what we spent on the pool if we sold it. It would just be heartbreaking. And bad for morale. We'd feel a lot poorer than we already are, and that counts for something.

 

[Rocky Fields]

Hey.

Your husband is a jerk. Buying the RV would be the kiss of death. He should have worked more on your pool...he's selfish. If he can't control his spending habits, he needs professional help. Compulsive spenders are alot like gamblers, start an account with just your name, so he can't touch the money you need for bills.

Good Luck.

RF

 

[Bink]

There's always going to be something to spend more money on. You can get out of debt and then save up for whatever latest thing you have to have, or you can keep buying regardless until the whole snowball carries you away.

 

[Rocky Fields]

PS: impulsive may be sustituted for compulsive above

 

[Melissa]

I would organize all the bills into a folder, give him the checkbook and tell him to go to it! He really does need to be in charge of this for a while just to see what happens with the money. And maybe there is something you are missing that he will find a way to do better. You never know, it might be for the best and at least you won't be stressing out about it.

 

[Melissa]

Well, she's probably gonna get a lot of advice anyways!

 

[doohap]

I agree with Melissa. It's one thing to be worried about money. It's another to blame the person who's handling the money and then insist on continued purchases (the RV). The blame is abuse.

Give him the checkbook, the bills, the responsibility. Then sit back quietly and let him handle it. Of course, be sure you don't turn into the one who buys impulsively. Keep your own spending in check, continue to try to find employment and make sure you're a productive and contributing partner in the endeavor to get out of debt!

Good luck,
doohap

 

[Melissa]

Yea and have some candles on hand in case he doesn't have enough money to pay the electric bill...

 

[Jim S.]

You know why money's tight? You guys buy too much. Period. WHY does DH's car need fixed? Will the door open with a dent in it? Yes? Oh, so you are going to pay money you don't have to fix it solely because you are already making payments on it? Say what?

You say you have $400 in a hole in the ground, so that will JUSTIFY tossing more cash you don't have into the hole to make it a pool. Meanwhile, you are letting REPAIRS go, like plumbing and the roof? And DH now wants an RV?

Let me tell you something that is a basic LAW. The only way for common folks to have money is NOT TO SPEND IT, but TO SAVE IT. So then people say, "No, you can get it by investing it." To which I point out, you need to HAVE IT FIRST to invest it.

I see so much of this "mindless buying" mentality these days. The AVERAGE credit card debt of a high school graduate today is $5,000. No lie.

My Mom, rest her soul, used to say something she learned in the Depression that has stuck with me: "Pay yourself first!" Dad the spendthrift sure was surprised when she died and he found out she had a personal savings account with $180,000 in it. Money she saved a dollar here and a dollar there.

Oh, he's about spent all of that in the 4 years since, with his new girlfriend.

You see, like my mom and dad, it's all about your priorities. Unless you get off the "mindless spending" train, you both are going to have money fights forever, whether you get a new job or not. Cuz if you do get the job, you'll just do like dad and spend your way right up to your new total income.

Practice "mindful spending," like mom did, and you will be far better off. Tight money troubles will ease. Say NO to yourself, and spend when it is LOGICAL (legitimate: based on known statements or events or conditions), not RATIONALIZED (to pretend that one’s desires are caused by impartial reasoning).

Please think about what I just wrote, and see if you find use in it. You are currently valuing a THING (money) at the expense of your relationship. The reason money trumps your relationship is because of "mindless spending." You can change that behavior.

 

[Peacock]

Well, she's probably gonna get a lot of advice anyways!

Yeah, you can't really post something like I did here without getting plenty of advice. I'm venting, yes...feel a bit like I'm staring up from the bottom of a big hole. Feel free to advise. Or not.

 

[MicheleMomof4]

Edayne is a big girl. She knows posting stuff here means sometimes people disagree with her or give her unwanted advice. She has always held her own, I am sure she can handle the replies just fine.
I agree with Melissa, insist he take it over. Listen I think I can squeeze blood out of a turnip but if my DH thinks he can do better, I'm not going to give him a peeing match anymore. I hand it to him, if he doesn't then nothing is really lost. If he does, then HEY, we all win, right?
Besides I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around being "poorer" with a pool , golf cart and a potential RV. You have ALOT of things most people can never have. Not getting on to you, but it made me wonder. If you feel your poor (an obviously your not) in turn maybe this hurts your DH's ego , therefore wanting to supply more STUFF to show you your not poor. Doesn't make it right. Just pondering out loud.
God Bless,
Michele

 

[Bink]

As long as he's the bad guy or you're the bad guy then neither one of you has to do anything about it because it's not your problem. You can fix it, or you can point fingers. I know you're "just venting" and that it's "not that bad, really" but hey.

 

[Peacock]

You know why money's tight? You guys buy too much. Period. WHY does DH's car need fixed? Will the door open with a dent in it? Yes? Oh, so you are going to pay money you don't have to fix it solely because you are already making payments on it? Say what?

I do agree with most of what you wrote. I don't think we're "mindless" exactly, though certainly there's room for improvement. I'm sick of being the frugal one and him being the "I want it now" spender.

Thing about the car repair is that it would cost $1800 without insurance, and if we wait to get it fixed, they might not pay for it.

 

[Peacock]

Besides I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around being "poorer" with a pool , golf cart and a potential RV. You have ALOT of things most people can never have. Not getting on to you, but it made me wonder. If you feel your poor (an obviously your not) in turn maybe this hurts your DH's ego , therefore wanting to supply more STUFF to show you your not poor. Doesn't make it right. Just pondering out loud.
God Bless,
Michele

You do have a point about buying stuff. I've noticed it's kind of a cycle with him. He feels bad because he suddenly realizes we're broke, rants a bit, then goes out to buy something. Makes me crazy.

We're not poor. I never said we were. Unless by "poor" you mean "poor at being good money managers." I never wanted the golf cart. We couldn't afford it but bought it anyway. We buy a lot of things we can't afford. You can do that as long as you make minimum payments to the creditors. And when you can't, hey, you just switch around debts and re-finance something. It all works fine until you miss a few payments, then it all comes tumbling down around your ears. THAT is why I am afraid to hand over the checkbook.

When I met the guy, he didn't even have a bank account. He paid everything with cash or money orders. He sometimes goes on about how much more complicated his life has become since he met me, as if I'm responsible for complicating it. OK, but he didn't have a house either, or kids, and once had a collection agency after him for a $400 debt he paid in cash but lost the receipt. Yeah, life was better then.

OK Bink, you're right too, by posting this I'm making HIM the bad guy, and unless I admit I'm in the wrong too nothing will change. Sometimes it's hard to see how, that's all.

 

[fantasymaker]

Seems to me like EITHER one of you could get a job,why cant he?

 

[Peacock]

Seems to me like EITHER one of you could get a job,why cant he?

He has a job. Works about 50 hours a week delivering mail. Will that do?

 

[FiddleKat]

Well, she's probably gonna get a lot of advice anyways!

Happens to me frequently sometimes. I vent, and I get advice anyway.

Ednya, sorry to hear of the troubles. Your DH certainly shouldn't be talking about buying an RV when he's complaining about being broke at the same time.

As far as the pool thing, that is something that is already started. What's your DH reason for trucking the water in rather than a hose?? Personally trucking it in is going to cost alot more money. And there is nothing wrong with filling the pool with hose water. We have a 18 foot round above ground and it was only another $50 on our water bill to fill it. No matter what, you'll still have to put chemicals in it, and at least with hose water you'll know where the source came from rather than it being trucked in. Therefore you'll have a general idea of chemicals.

 

[MicheleMomof4]

You just said to Wendy when she suggested you sell the pool.....

We'd feel a lot poorer than we already are, and that counts for something.

My point was one word can really set a man off. Poor being one of them. To you it might not mean POOR but broke, tight and so on. But to man.......it can mean his wife thinks he can't provide. KWIM? Maybe, and this is just a suggestion, if there was less 'Goodness we are so broke' and more 'Aren't we blessed to have this?' then maybe he would feel less of a need to buy buy buy. Contentment breeds contentment.
Like I said, just suggestions. And I certainly understand your frustration, until I finally convinced DH that DEBT FREE is a good thing.......we had a garage full of stuff to make payments on.
Also most of the time debt doesn't appear to be overwhelming when its on payments. Hey $149 isn't much. I finally had DH look at the bottom line.......you know how much you REALLY pay in the end. He about died! LOL And if that wasn't bad enough, reducing debt in traditional manners is a slow process that takes years to see a result. So coupled with the moral attitude you spoke of.....it rarely seems a good idea to pay things off and wait. That's just not fun! LOL We used the snowball debt reduction before with great results. We involved the kids and while reducing our debt saved for a nice reward for ourselves, ours was yearly annual passes to Disney. We are 3 hours away and it makes for a quick vacation. Anywho, you get my point.
God Bless,
Michele