Should I give my sister a Christmas gift?

Discussion in 'Countryside Families' started by Wildwood Flower, Dec 8, 2006.

  1. Wildwood Flower

    Wildwood Flower Halfway, OR & Wagoner, OK

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    I've been having some serious problems with my sister over the past couple of years. I've tried everything, and 'yes' I have forgiven her. But I finally realized that the best thing to do is not to talk to her or interact with her at all.

    Here's the problem. Every year I send my entire family Christmas gifts...nothing expensive, just little things--including her children. I send them to my Dad's house as everyone drops over around the holidays and I know they enjoy their little gifts.

    I thought about sending her the book "Everything I Needed to KNow, I Learned in Kindergarten" but she wouldn't take it as a joke. If I leave her out, it is going to be really obvious and I've tried to keep this thing from my Dad as much as possible.

    I thought about just including a small thing for her, but I feel like this may give her the idea that she can continue with "business as usual" with me and I do not want to convey this message to her. I truly am disgusted with the things she has done and find them totally unacceptable.

    In the past I've always been the one to smooth things over and I've been burned repeatedly---BAD!

    So what would you do?
     
  2. mommagoose_99

    mommagoose_99 Well-Known Member

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    I had a similar problem and decided to take the high road. I give my sister and father a gift every year because it makes me feel good. I never get an acknowledgment that they even received the presants but at least I know I tried.
    Linda
     

  3. FiddleKat

    FiddleKat Mother,Artist, Author Supporter

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    What if you got your sister and her kids just one combined gift?
    Like a house gift or something. That way you really wouldn't be leaving her out, but also it wouldn't be specifically for her either.
     
  4. Reptyle

    Reptyle Well-Known Member

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    Why bother? Just because y'all share parents doesn't obligate you towards her...You don't owe her and if she's burned you I'd say you owe it to yourself not to be placed in a bad situation again...Taking the higher road doesn't have to mean you should allow yourself to be abused. Just my opinion, but I hope you find peace with whatever path you choose.
     
  5. belladulcinea

    belladulcinea Well-Known Member

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    I would send something small with her name on it. That is in NO WAY an invitation to start anything up on her part or yours it's simply a gift with no strings. The giving of a gift in no way symbolizes or gives permission to someone that you have set boundaries with. It's simply an acknowledgement of the season of peace and goodwill.
     
  6. Cheryl in SD

    Cheryl in SD Living in the Hills Supporter

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    Question, If something were to happen to your sister before next Christmas, would you be sorry you hadn't given her a gift?
     
  7. Slev

    Slev Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I think the best way out is to give a family or household gift. Outside of that, I'd say give her one if you want or don't. Without more clarification on your feelings towards her, the way I interpret your words is that YOU are fed up with the way she treats you? and/or maybe others. By not giving her a gift, I think it kinda puts you in a position that may make you look bad in others eyes. I'd give a one of those 3 tennis balls in a tube as a gift. Then if she asks, I'd say, "...well, the balls in your court...."

    I guess the bottom line is, if she was gone tomorrow, would you be ok with where the both of you are at with each other? AND, reverse it and ask her the same question.

    This is a good time of year to "resolve" things of this matter, you might want to bring it up, .....and then move on. Good Luck, I hope everything works out
     
  8. Wildwood Flower

    Wildwood Flower Halfway, OR & Wagoner, OK

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    Thanks everyone for your good input. I thought about giving her a "black pancake" as this was what we were always told Santa would bring us if we weren't good. But unfortunately this has gone beyond being funny.

    Her kids are grown so the group gift won't work. I like the tennis balls idea. I do think it best to send something, as was said...I don't want my Dad to be upset that I'm being mean to my sister. That's his baby girl.
     
  9. Ninn

    Ninn Custom Crochet Queen

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    Sad to say, but aren't you also his baby girl? Don't you deserve to be treated with the same love and respect that you treat her? Send a "house gift" - a movie basket or something that is obviously meant to be shared. Your dad will not notice-he's a dad. He will just know you sent something for her. You will not feel bad for ignoring her and she will not have any emotional leverage from it. (being in the same situation with my DS, this is exactly what I did. Mom still has no idea what is going on)
     
  10. roadless

    roadless Well-Known Member Supporter

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    "But I finally realized that the best thing to do is not to talk to her or interact with her at all. "
    If that is truly how you feel, then I would not get her anything,we definately do not need toxic people in our life BUT If you are even a bit unsure about that statement then I would get her a small box of chocolates just in the spirt of the season.
     
  11. anniew

    anniew keep it simple and honest Supporter

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    I think this is about unresolved issues that should be addressed, and I don't think the gift giving or not is going to resolve them.
    "You can only be imposed upon with your permission." You need to resolve or set boundaries in everyday life, not make it a should-I-or-shouldn't-I-give-a-gift issue.
    Ann
     
  12. OzarkHmsteaders

    OzarkHmsteaders HomesteadHopefuls

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    I have a story I'd like to tell you,I am the youngest of 5, 4 girls and a boy is the 2 nd child .. My oldest sister and the middle sister had an argument about the way the oldest sister grieved our Dads death,,in 1981,such a silly argument. anyway ,my 2 sisters lived 2 blocks from each other for years,then my oldest sis moved to Va. anyway,these 2 DID NOT SPEAK for all these years...then on Feb,12 / 04 My oldest sister had a seizure while driving to a hair appointment,she hit a tree head on,and died instantly,leaving behind her 2 daughters and 6 grandsons and all of her sisters and a brother,and me,(she was my best friend) The hardest part of it all????I had begged them both for 20 years to please forgive each other,life is too short, let it go,,every year in nov. they would ask what I want for my birthday,,I always told them,,just 1 Christmas,all of us together, I never got that wish. but our entire family has hurt because of "their" argument, No family get togethers, no "family" celebrations of any kind because the 2 of them could not be together,I think it was the most selfish thing either of them has ever done.I have not spoke to my other sister since the oldest one died,( the middle one) is consumed with guilt,and grief........ I would give anything to be able to buy my sister a gift this Christmas,I would give anything to be able to hug her and Tell her I LOVE HER,,and I beg you, don't let this happen to you and your family,Talk to her,,and buy her a gift that is heartfelt,it may be the last one you ever get to give her. Merry Christmas to you,and to your sister.................... Christine
     
  13. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member Supporter

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    My brother and I and DH had a problem back in '76. Then in '79 he called out of the blue and ask if there was any place he could go camping close to us. We told him yes and where it was. We decided he was trying to make amends so went to visit while he was at the camp spot. He and DH went fishing together while I visited with his girlfriend. Nothing was ever brought up about the problem but we did enjoy visiting. Then one other time in '80 he came back and spent the night with us. Then in '81 we got a call. He had, had a massive heart attack and died before the ambulance could get there. I am so thankful I had those two visits with him before he died.

    Just something to think about, you never know when something bad will happen.
     
  14. Ardie/WI

    Ardie/WI Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I agree. Life is too short to bother with bull fecal matter. She has hurt you. She has burned you. Ignore her and go on and build yourself a great life.
     
  15. Wildwood Flower

    Wildwood Flower Halfway, OR & Wagoner, OK

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  16. roadless

    roadless Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Wildflower, I am glad you came to a decision you are comfortable with. I think you can see you are not alone in having "weird" family members! Merry Christmas!! :grouphug:
     
  17. QBVII

    QBVII Well-Known Member

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    I think a person has to draw boundaries. I don't think, generally speaking, that you have to say, "I never want to see you again."

    I think you just have boundaries and you refuse to be abused.

    If people cannot deal with that, if they cannot accept that they will have to treat you DECENTLY and respectfully, then most of the time they will stay away, and the decision "should I or shouldn't I" isn't even on your shoulders.

    Most people who are genuine and mean well are okay with boundaries. It's the ones who are just plain mean who aren't. JMO
     
  18. AngieM2

    AngieM2 Big Front Porch advocate

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    Should I give my sister a Christmas gift?"

    my answer:

    Only if you want to.


    Angie
     
  19. Wildwood Flower

    Wildwood Flower Halfway, OR & Wagoner, OK

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    Hey Angie,
    You hit the nail right on the head! I have never in my life given a gift because I felt I "had to". I'm not going to start here.
     
  20. belladulcinea

    belladulcinea Well-Known Member

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    It has always perplexed me why people choose this time of year to make a "stand" against another family member. Dh's people can be like this sometimes. While I understand where you are coming from, irregardless of your sister, if you think you'll hurt your dad's feelings why not just send something small. That way you have taken the high road and it can't come back on you.