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Never thought I'd be posting one of these threads...wish I never had to.

My mom is staying with us (me, my DH and my 4 month old DD) for three months for work. She normally lives halfway across the country, but thought she'd take a contract here where we live for three months. She's been here for five days already.

My family of origin is like this: I am the oldest child of three. DF is a pot addict, has been since he was young, a family problem never talked about and always swept under the rug. He never smoked it in front of us kids, but we all knew anyway. DB#1(22)'s second drug trial is pending for meth (first was for pot). DB#2(17)'s second drug trial is also pending, both were pot. My mother was the only one (excluding myself of course) that did not have a (current) drug problem (She grew up in the 70's, nuff said). She held the family together. She has chronic pain problems from a bad back, and she's a nurse, so she often has to do heavy lifting, exaserbating the problem.

Can you see where I'm going with this already?

I had a c-section 4 months ago and was prescribed percoset. I got 40 tablets, and I took at most ten tablets in the three or four days after I was discharged. Between my mom's first week-long visit right after my DD was born and the five days she's been here now, there are THREE tablets left.

She took 27 tablets of percoset from me.

I knew she took them, because she'd complain about her pain, and then say something to the affect of "I just took some of your percoset, you don't need it, do you?" This has happened twice. I never thought to check the bottle. I'm so stupid, I should have known something was up, I didn't even think the fact that she knew WHERE IT WAS was weird (it was kept in a different place than the tylenol). She was looking for it like a bear for honey.

But that's not all. I was vacuuming her room while she was at work, and I found a butter knife and a short straw underneath her mattress. I guess she's snorting them.

:Bawling: I don't know what to do. She doesn't act like she's on anything. She seems the same to me.

It's so NOT FAIR. Why is my entire family doing drugs? It's a horrible feeling, especially to know that whenever I'm talking to anyone in my family they could be high. I can't trust them.

Conflict-I don't really want to tell my DH, yet I REALLY need to talk to him. He knows about my family, but he doesn't know this. I don't want to tell him because I don't want him to think bad of her (who wants their DH and Mother to be on bad terms?), and I don't really want to confront her but I know he probably will want to. He might get VERY VERY angry at her, too, esp. for doing this in his home. I honestly don't know how he'll act, which is scary for me, and my first instinct is to forget all of this has ever happened (like it was while I was growing up). I'm scared to confront her because she is the only one in my family I am currently regularly talking to. Plus, where the heck would she go? She's signed a three-month contract here and doesn't have enough money to break it and move back home (in fact she currently owes us $500) and she doesn't know anybody else here. She can't afford to rent an apartment (cost of living here is very high).

But worst of all, by far, is my instinct to protect my DD. She's way too young to know what's going on. But I don't want this happening in her home. It's not fair to her. :flame: I feel so stupid, my mom watched her the other day while I went grocery shopping in the next town over. Who knows what could have happened.

I don't know what to do. This just happened today, so I haven't seen her or my DH since. I wish I could run away. :Bawling:
 

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I would confront her....only after talking to DH....

if she is a nurse she prob has access to lots of drugs at the hospital

and depending on how it all went during the confrontation, I would also call the law...see in our household, my DH is a correctional officer and could lose his job for just being friends with someone with a felony record....let alone have someone living in his home and doing drugs.

(((HUGS))))
Rachel
 

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Hey.

Pack her stuff while she's out. Meet her at the door when she comes back and hand over her bags. Tell her it's not working out because of her drug problem. Don't let her back in. She broke the rules of your house. Time for tough love. This is your mother, so you should give her the boot, not your husband. Remember, druggies will steal,lie, and cheat you to get their fix.

As for your husband, you better tell him. He will support you. He will be proud you did the right thing.

RF
 

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It ain't called "tough love" for nothing, my friend. You are truely in a tough spot. But think if it this way, what will happen if DH finds out about it later and that you knew and didn nothing about it all. You are the only one that can protect your dd right now. She is not old enough to deal with the kind of consequences to actions like this, you mother is. I am so very sorry that you are going through this. Big HUGS from over here in MO.
God bless you and yours
Deb
 

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When I was on it for major pain problems, I saw how easily a person could be talked into being hooked. No lie. It was a magical drug that made me feel sooooooooooo incredibly good. I told my husband to watch that I didn't abuse the pills. I got a second prescription because I ran out of the first, due to so much pain. I can totally understand how it can happen. I still have pills left though.

I feel for you. Get your mother out of your house or simply confront her on the topic. Have you tried that?

pat
 

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First, talk privately with your DH. Try to stay calm because he will be angry-not at you though. Between the two of you, come up with a plan of action as to how you TWO will confront her. Then do it.

Your mother is an adult and knew exactly what she was doing. No excuses are allowed here. She cannot be trusted for one little minute.

Get her out of your house. Forget the $500 she owes you. If she has to go to a homeless shelter, so be it. Just get her out of your house and away from your family.

As for her being the only family that you can talk to, you have your DH. Also, family doesn't necessarily mean relatives. Gradually build your own 'family' of friends you can trust.
 

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Tell your DH first. If you keep this hidden now it will make it easier to keep something else hidden later.

Second, deal with mom. Either she signs up for detox or she's out. No ands, ifs, or buts about it. Tell her you love her enough to try to force her to quit. If she loves her drugs too much, let her move out. She is an adult and capable of supporting herself.

Ken in Glassboro, NJ :)
 

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Tell DH first. Tell him how much you are going to need his strength and support with what the two of you are going to have to do.

Then do it. Pack her bags, and send her off. With his support and help. Forget the $500. With his blessing. You will be amazed at how much tackling a problem such as this with your husband, together as a team, will strengthen and re-affirm your marriage.

You can still love your Mom. You will just be making it very clear how you cannot and will not support her habit in any way. Will she be angry - you betcha. But hopefully a little ways down the road, if she's able to kick her habit and get herself straightened out, she'll respect you for standing by your values.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I talked to my DH. He's shocked, but other than that showed no outright anger or anything. He needs to let it settle in his head, I think.

I am such a non-confrontational person it's not even funny. I'm the kind of person that when they get my order wrong at a restaurant, I'll only send it back if I really don't want to eat it. Like I said, I'd rather run away.

My DH said that we (he or I or both) should definately confront her, today. But she's probably be home from work before he will be, and I'm SUPER SCARED. I don't know what I'll say when she gets home.

*She just called* She's going to be late, so DH will be home first...still, I'm shaking in my boots! I can't kick her out...she has depression problems, my entire family has depression problems. My brother is currently suicidal and my dad is really depressed right now, I can't bear to speak to him because life's so horrible. I'm afraid I'll send my mom over the edge.

gotta go feed baby...
 

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you and your husband need to work together, so you have to discuss it with him.

there's a correlation between your parents behavior, and your brothers' problems. do you want your DD to become like your brothers? do you want to be looking back years from now, wishing you'd put a stop to it then to protect your daughter?

aside from the impact on your daughter, you're also putting quite a lot more at risk due to the way the drug laws are these days. to police have the ability to confiscate any property used during a drug crime. if the police found illegal drugs in your car, or your house, they could confiscate your house, or your car. they never even have to charge any person with a crime, just the 'property' is charged with the crime, and the threshhold of proof is lower. you may also have liability if your mother hurts anyone while high, and it can be shown that you knew about it.

your job is properly raising your daughter. where your mother goes isn't your problem. however, there's probably some way out of the contract. there's people looking for roommates on craigslist and local papers.

--sgl
 

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Is your mom a traveling nurse? If she is then money shouldn't be a problem..my daughter is a traveling nurse and has NEVER made under $27.00 per hour plus if she isn't living in a n apartment they found for her she get anywhere from $800-$1500 per month housing allowance.

Are you sure your mom is on the up and up as to why she is there? Not trying to be mean...you are in a tough spot. I would confront her....I'm surprised if she is a traveling nurse she didn't get caught on a drug screen...my daughter has to do one at every hospital she signs on with.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
teresab said:
Is your mom a traveling nurse? If she is then money shouldn't be a problem..my daughter is a traveling nurse and has NEVER made under $27.00 per hour plus if she isn't living in a n apartment they found for her she get anywhere from $800-$1500 per month housing allowance.

Are you sure your mom is on the up and up as to why she is there? Not trying to be mean...you are in a tough spot. I would confront her....I'm surprised if she is a traveling nurse she didn't get caught on a drug screen...my daughter has to do one at every hospital she signs on with.
Yes, she's a travelling nurse. She makes $100,000 a year, but borrows money from me, constantly living paycheck to paycheck. I knew she had a lot of bills, but I guess I know now where all the money goes. (She's virtually the only income for the rest of my family, which includes two households).

My mom is always concerned about drug screens, because once she failed one, but told me she was on another (legal) drug that gave a false positive, so I just never thought about it. I'm sure she does have a prescrip for some sort of painkiller, so testing positive for it is explainable. I feel so incredibly stupid though, since all of these things happened and only now am I putting it all together. I should have known, I should have known!
 

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Don't beat yourself up. ((hug)). It's very easy to 'not see' things we really don't want to acknowledge. Give yourself credit. You've recognized a problem, and you've made a decision to deal with it. I'm not so sure you have decided exactly how to deal yet, just that you have to. There are lots of people here whose thoughts are with you.

Say a prayer, get that chin up, think of your daughter, and do what you have to do - whatever you decide that might be.
 

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I don't really agree with some of the other responses. Chronic pain is the most horrible thing in the world and unless you have been there, you cannot judge another's actions in their attempts to get relief. I find it odd that your mother has not gone to the doctor to get her own pain meds, however, I cannot really fault someone for taking meds to stop the pain if they are available and not being used.

That having been said, I have no patience for pot heads! LOL Illegal recreational drugs are a whole 'nother matter with me. But I feel for your mother's situation and I think I understand that she is just trying to get some relief from her pain, rather than using the drugs in a recreational way. You said yourself that she was not a drug user, but was a very responsible individual. I think she should have asked (more than once), but perhaps she felt funny about it, ashamed maybe to ask.

Anyway, I'd cut her some slack and talk to her about getting some medication of her own for her pain issues. I'm sure she knows which doctor to see that is easy going about writing those prescriptions.

donsgal
 

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Fujiko said:
Yes, she's a travelling nurse. She makes $100,000 a year, but borrows money from me, constantly living paycheck to paycheck. I knew she had a lot of bills, but I guess I know now where all the money goes. (She's virtually the only income for the rest of my family, which includes two households).

My mom is always concerned about drug screens, because once she failed one, but told me she was on another (legal) drug that gave a false positive, so I just never thought about it. I'm sure she does have a prescrip for some sort of painkiller, so testing positive for it is explainable. I feel so incredibly stupid though, since all of these things happened and only now am I putting it all together. I should have known, I should have known!
Sounds like Mom may be a user...Also sounds like you may be an enabler...Learn to tell people "No" or your Mom isn't the only one with problems. Time to put on the "big girl" pants...
 

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Try to help her.I wished I would've tried to help my mother. I was so hurt by her drinking that I stayed away.It took her death before the light bulb went on.

One time she got sick and couldn't get to her whiskey. My dad and I took her to the doctor.While we were sitting in the waiting room she went into DT's. The doctor put her in intensive care for 11 days.She knew who I was but she thought my dad was our mayor. She was tied to the bed and saw things that weren't there.It was awful. The 11 day it was like she came to her senses.She had no idea she was in the hospital.She had no idea that she drank like she did. We told her stuff she did and she had no idea.She went to rehab and was sober long enough to start and finish school.Things happened and she went back to drinking.If she had more support from us as a family maybe things would've been different. She died at the age of 58.

She may be old enough to know better but the drugs have her thinking messed up. Encourage her to get help. Try to be there with her every step of the way if she will let you. I learned along time ago if someone doesn't want help you can't help them.

Her coming to stay with you may be a cry for help even she doesn't know about.She maybe looking for someone to love her enough to help her just to see if she is worth it.

This post may not make sense but my mother has been gone 12yrs yesterday.
The regrets have been going through my mind.

Tammy
 

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I'm going to share a very hard-learned lesson from my own life with you now. You probably won't get much from it, but if it even makes you stop and consider for a minute, then it's a good thing:

Your life is now your own, and your family is your husband and your new baby. It is absolutely imperative that you understand this and follow through with your actions to reflect EXACTLY what is best for them, and your new family unit -- regardless of who you tick off in the process.

Your mother makes 100K a year and owes you money? And has inhaled (literally) *TWENTY SEVEN* percocet in five days -- a prescription that was YOURS for your pain after childbirth? What you have to decide is whether you're going to enable her further, or walk away.

You cannot walk away in the hopes that it will help her -- you have to understand that there is generally someone else who will enable, and the fact that she is a nurse means she has regular access to drugs -- if she's not ready to face reality and admit what she's doing, your walking away won't help HER -- but it will help you, and your DH and your new baby. You owe it to THEM to protect them first, and that means telling her in no uncertain terms that she is *NOT* going to be using in your house. Period.

I know it sounds like I'm being mean, but I've got a really good idea of where this is going if you don't do this -- trust me. I'm hugging you virtually -- really I am :)
 

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You're definitely in a tough spot, but she must be confronted with the knife and straw.

My wife is an RN, and she's seen dope-addicted nurses. Do you know what your mother will do (if she hasn't already)?

She will be in charge of some elderly person someday who is suffering horrendous pain from some surgery, illness, or injury. Someday, as your mother's addiction grows, she will steal the pain medicine from some helpless patient who really needs it. She'll chart in the patient's chart that the meds were given, and no one will be the wiser.

But what about that poor, suffering, senior citizen who must bear excruciating pain, while your momma gets a free high?

Think your mom wouldn't do that? One time, my wife opened a door to a patient's room, just as the nurse was injecting the patient's morphine into her own thigh.

That nurse lost her license.

Right now, your mom has a license that is worth $100,000.00 per year. She will lose it, sooner or later if no one intervenes. Looks to me like you just got elected to the job. Good Luck! I'll pray for you.
 
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