NO is good.

 

Smoking expenses?? WTH That is not a necessity and will up your medical bills. Gas is not a necessity either except to get to work/school if you don't live near public transportation - tell them they can walk or bum off a friend but you are done giving handouts - they need to step into the adult world!

 

The D.A.R.E. campaign has an amazing slogan:

Just Say No

I know, easier said than done. You have a huge kind heart, and 'takers' sniff this out and use it to their advantage.
You are a giver.....this is an amazing quality so few have.
It's ok to say no.

 

I know, easier said than done. You have a huge kind heart, and 'takers' sniff this out and use it to their advantage.
You are a giver.....this is an amazing quality so few have.
It's ok to say no.

True.
It usually helps if you make your feelings a matter of public family knowledge NOW. It'll soften the blow if they attempt to ask again.
Then when and if you are able to help financially again, you can do it at your own discretion.

 

The only thing I can say is a HERE IS A BIG HUG. And start putting your foot down, and don't feel bad about it.

 

Get caller I'd so you can see who not to answer the phone for

 

Yeah, I know what you mean. A friend of mine just asked for $8000 to pay off credit card debt!!! Uh.... NO.

 

Yep. NO works for me

 

Sister, I don't see this as a selfish post but merely a self preservation post. I would also love to help every one in their down and out moments but after many years I have to say no. I now wish I had some of that money back that I gave to hopeless situations. You are supporting yourself and that is enough. Most folk have chosen how they are spending their lives. Stay strong, help when you can but look after yourself as no one else is doing so.

 

Yeah, I know what you mean. A friend of mine just asked for $8000 to pay off credit card debt!!! Uh.... NO.

Oh well here, let me be a TRUE friend to you.... I'll let you send me just half of that. :happy2:

 

Sorry you are feeling so down. Sounds like it is time to say no. Helping others shows you have a good heart, but if it puts YOU at risk the answer needs to be, "Sorry, no, can't do it. Good luck with that. Let me know what you figure out."

 

I know this is a selfish thing I am feeling

venting about it is likely not fair to those who have to read the dribble LOL.

the money in her back account was my money put there to pick up things we needed on her way home from school since she always has my car (yes i know I am whining).

She was upset when I explained to her that she just spent my gas money on mac and cheese that we don't need or want.

Stop apologizing! Stop worrying about how others feel when you stop letting them take advantage of you! Think more of yourself than you do!

Then DB gets a speeding ticket and of course he needs to take the 200.00 defensive driving class to avoid points and fine of 220.00 on his license. So, of course I pay for it cause he has no money

And neither do you. Say so! And stop enabling others. They need to pay, literally, for the consequences of their actions, not you.

I am going to start saying NO and then they will be mad at me but maybe they will get over it someday.

Value yourself enough to let THEM know that YOU are mad at how little they think of you and how they constantly take advantage. EMBRACE THE NO! Stop worrying about THEM being mad - the way I see it, if you change your behavior enough that you stand up for yourself, say no and upset these users - you are getting emotionally healthier!

 

Never loan/give money away that you can't afford to lose.

If you have a well-stocked personal emergency fund (i.e. 6 months of living expenses minimum) and the request is reasonable, a small gift can be considered.

If you are putting yourself at risk of going into debt by helping others, you need to STOP. Start saying "Gosh, I'd love to help....but unfortunately I just don't have the money right now. Sorry!" You're not lying because you DON'T have the money lying around to pay for these things.

You need to start considering your financial security first.

 

If you don't put your foot down, do you really think anything will ever change? Why would either your daughter or your brother want to get a job if they can live a life of luxury without paying for anything & knowing you're always at their beck & call?
They get in trouble, you pay for the consequences of their actions-what are they learning?
They feel others need financial help, you pay for that help even though it's putting you in the poorhouse-what are they learning other than they can walk all over you & that its ok to not value your money, time or efforts.

You allowed this situation to develop & now you're going to have a hard time getting them to accept the new necessary changes. Unfortunately, if you don't make some changes, there's a good chance you will end up in real financial trouble & your daughter &/or brother will just move on to another place & leave you high & dry.

Is being the 'nice mom/sister' worth risking your financial future & maybe even your home?

 

Then DB gets a speeding ticket and of course he needs to take the 200.00 defensive driving class to avoid points and fine of 220.00 on his license. So, of course I pay for it cause he has no money and court date is 3 weeks away.

KC

Are you kidding me :hair !!!!

Like I said in the enabling thread....my dad let it be known that he was not in the rescuing business.....I think you need to get out of that business too.

 

sisterpine
Selfish Vent...
I know this is a selfish thing I am feeling.....

I don't know why you are being so hard on yourself.
It's only logical that you can't give what you don't have.

 

I have had family members like this. They will suck every cent from you, until you are in as sad a shape as they are. When they do get any money they'll give it away to some "friend" they just met who "needs help" rather than ever pay you back, or they'll take a vacation with the money, because after all, they've had SOO much stress in their life, they DESERVE a treat. Meanwhile, you've done without, no "extras" in your life, no eating out or fun luxuries, NO TREATS FOR YOU, because YOU were keeping THEM up! Learn the art form of "poor mouthing" yourself. And never, ever, let them know, under any circumstances, when you have any money. ALWAYS be BROKE. Love to help ya, but dead BROKE. See how often you hear from them after awhile of that. My family members only want to come around at Christmas...since they think they'll get gifts. This year, I'm giving them Dave Ramsey's "Total Money Makeover" book. Wonder if I'll hear from them NEXT Christmas???

 

I am going to spare you my hard luck story... just send me some cash... I am in dire need and will pay you back just as soon as I have my life back together.... a couple grand will tide me over for the short term but I may need more next month. When these people start asking you for money or favors... just tell them them the same thing that just flashed through your mind.... not just no... but a no with the kind of emphasis that Melissa will edit folks for using in her forum!! You need to stop letting people take advantage of you!!! Its time for them to learn to live in the real world, and take care of themselves.


My most humble apologies to Melissa. I really do try to be good.

 

Just start saying,"I'm sorry, but I don't have any extra money right now." And then when you are running short ask to borrow some from them. I promise these two things will solve the problem completely!

 

Who taught you to think so little of yourself, anyway? You seem to think you don't deserve to vent when those closest to you don't treat you with respect. I'm glad you can do so here. You do deserve to be heard - and respected, and cherished! Stop trying to sell your soul and all your belongings to get others to like you. Think more of yourself, how dare you call yourself selfish! You are more of a giver than anyone around you deserves. You have every right to be angry, and from what I see in your post, being angry would actually be healthy for you!

 

It is interesting to me that you titled this topic "Selfish Vent". Until you realize that NOT covering everyone else's patootie is NOT "selfishness", you are going to be a doormat and they will take advantage of you. Till the well runs dry, they will draw from it, and they will only care for their own inconvenience when you are dust.

Sorry, but I think that is the truth.

 

I can totally relate to the op. we loaned a SUBSTANTIAL amount of money to a family member to build a business. I am pretty sure that the fact that it never got finished (they lost the property!) and their kids went to Disneyworld are related! While it is best to just say no, some people have a harder time with it.

Yankee

 

I've helped clients on this subject many times. What I tell them is to write a letter to all the deadbeats that are borrowing from them saying that they can no longer lend financial assistance. I suggest they add "please do not ask again because it hurts my feelings to have to say no". Of course, the next step is to totally refuse to assist in the future. Melissa's "I don't have the money right now" is a kind approach. I'd be more tempted to call them unkind and selfish for asking when I'd specifically asked them to not do so.

I also tell the clients that they are enabling the deadbeats rather than helping them and enabling is never a good idea. If the deadbeats do not have to suffer the consequences of their bad decisions, how will they ever learn to make better ones? Tough love is hard on everyone but probably hardest for the person used to caring for everyone else.

Remember no one can take advantage of you if you don't let them.

Another point is if you don't take care of yourself (and your finances) who will?

 

Its hard to be kind and not get taken advantage of. It will be hard at 1st cause you are used to saying yes and they are used to hearing that.

I get myself in situations like that also. Im starting to say no as well. The world hasnt fallen apart. The people I said no to are okay, and I feel a little better about myself and have more savings. :clap:

 

Stop disabling them + Use "No" more often = Be Happier and Less Stressed.

Trust me on this. I started doing it and what a relief!