Is he still paying child support? If so, to whom?

 

I would just bring it up in passing that you found his kids online. Then just let him take it from there. He may be interested or he may not give it a second thought.

Kat

 

Is he still paying child support? If so, to whom?

Yes, he still pays $460 a month child support to his wife (by way of the family services office). They are in Canada, and in order to get the order pulled he would have to go back to court which is difficult for us to do at this time. We would have to go back up there twice plus pay for attorney fees, court fees, etc. Not only that, but he would have to see his ex-wife again, which I think is more the reason why he does not want to do it. Even though it would save a lot of money.

donsgal

 

If he had a desire to know what they were doing, he could have found it out on his own. I'd keep my mouth shut, if I were you.

 

Question? What Would You Want If It Was You? So Often We Create What We Think We Know How A Person Will React And They Fool Us. I Would Tell Him And Say " If This Was Me I'd Want To Know". And Let Him Know No Matter What He Decides To Do That You Will Stand Beside Him. Why? Because You Love Him.sometimes These Are The Things We Have To Accept When We Accept Them Along With Their Circumstances. If He Ever Found Out You Knew And Never Told Him That Might Be Much Worse.truth Always Is Best And An Open Relationship With Communication Is A Lasting One.not Always Easy But The Rough Parts Will Smooth Out In Time.
IS HE ACTUALLY PAYING CHILD SUPPORT OR ALIMONY? IT IS HIGHLY UNUSUAL TO PAY SUPPORT BEYOND 18 UNLESS THEY ARE ATTENDING COLLEGE.THAT DOES NOT SEEM RIGHT.

 

Well, it does sound you like you are in a lose-lose situation...so I would consider the lesser of two evils if I were you. I would be an absolute WRECK trying to keep something from DH. It would automatically put distance b/w us and he would pick up on it instantly. So I would have to tell him and deal with the rest.

I am sure it is hard to listen to him go on and on about a past relationship, and if he is OCD (I am, too) he probably goes through it all...the anger, the guilt, the bitterness, the shoulda-coulda-woulda of it all which I am sure about sends you over the edge! BUT, your love for him should put his needs over yours. I know we are all selfish at times but you have to consider how he would feel if he found out you knew and didn't tell him. To me, that would open up a much worse can o' worms than just dealing with it to begin with.

Has he seen them or had contact with them since 1995 at all? That is a tough situation and I certainly don't envy you. But, I do think he should be given the choice of how to handle it for himself.


***donsgal, I understand you are not Christian, but it seems you have alot on your plate right now....I don't want to offend when I say I will be praying for you...but I am a Christian and that is how I deal with things and something I can do for those who are having a rough time. So, can I say (w/o religious lines being drawn) that I will be praying for you and you just know it is my way of saying, "I want to help and I hope things work out."?

Keep us updated, Rachael

 

If he had a desire to know what they were doing, he could have found it out on his own. I'd keep my mouth shut, if I were you.

This was my first thought, too. If he really cared about these kids, he would have known this on his own, because he would have kept in touch with them.

This is a sensitive topic for me, as my father abandoned me when he found a new wife, too. If you tell him, he may decide to contact them, which will likely cause these newly adult children lots of pain.

I'm not saying your DH is a terrible person, but to not speak to your children in 12 years just because you don't like thier mom... that's got to hurt a child.

 

Are you SERIOUS? He pays $460 a month to support children who are grown and living on their own? One of them married? Just because the stress of dealing with this issue is too much for him? Over $5,000 a year is worth that to him? How long is this little bonus for the ex-wife supposed to continue? Who is getting the money? Obviously not the "children."

I find it very difficult to believe your DH is so cavalier about that sum of money when in the past you've described him as being very frugal, an impeccable money manager.

If I were you I'd tell the man to grow a pair and take care of this huge drain on his finances. Are you really so subservient to let this slide, just because it might cause him some discomfort?

You've talked about getting a part-time job, but have trouble due to various circumstances. You do realize, don't you, that $460 a month is almost a part-time job right there? At the very least it's a nice car payment.

To answer your main question, no, I wouldn't tell him. If he is computer literate (and I wonder, given how much you talk about him here) he could probably go searching for his kids online himself, if he wanted to. I wonder how "accidentally" you found them -- how does one "accidentally" find a facebook account? Are you sure you're not just trying to stir up trouble and maybe instigate that phone call to Canada?

I don't want to be mean, I really don't, but you two seem to have more issues than a magazine.

 

BTW...I have to add...looks like you're NOT actually "blissfully child-free" as I think you've said in the past. Like it or not you do have stepkids. Looks like you're a grandma, too.

 

Well, it does sound you like you are in a lose-lose situation...so I would consider the lesser of two evils if I were you. I would be an absolute WRECK trying to keep something from DH. It would automatically put distance b/w us and he would pick up on it instantly. So I would have to tell him and deal with the rest.

I am sure it is hard to listen to him go on and on about a past relationship, and if he is OCD (I am, too) he probably goes through it all...the anger, the guilt, the bitterness, the shoulda-coulda-woulda of it all which I am sure about sends you over the edge! BUT, your love for him should put his needs over yours. I know we are all selfish at times but you have to consider how he would feel if he found out you knew and didn't tell him. To me, that would open up a much worse can o' worms than just dealing with it to begin with.

Has he seen them or had contact with them since 1995 at all? That is a tough situation and I certainly don't envy you. But, I do think he should be given the choice of how to handle it for himself.


***donsgal, I understand you are not Christian, but it seems you have alot on your plate right now....I don't want to offend when I say I will be praying for you...but I am a Christian and that is how I deal with things and something I can do for those who are having a rough time. So, can I say (w/o religious lines being drawn) that I will be praying for you and you just know it is my way of saying, "I want to help and I hope things work out."?

Keep us updated, Rachael

Thank you Rachael. I appreciate your prayers and kind thoughts.

Donsgal

 

How long is he suppose to pay support? 19 and 21 unless in college is a bit old for support. He may want to know so he could direct those funds elsewhere with a free mind about it. But, since it's Canada the rules may be different.

But this does explain alot about your outlook on certain points around HT and children.

Good luck. And if you don't have computer access on the dreaded barge cruise you could tell him during that and he'll have to entertain the guests, you can stay in the room and by the time you get back home maybe his compuliveness will have worked itself thru.

Angie

 

I wonder how "accidentally" you found them -- how does one "accidentally" find a facebook account? Are you sure you're not just trying to stir up trouble and maybe instigate that phone call to Canada?

I don't want to be mean, I really don't, but you two seem to have more issues than a magazine.

LOL you're not kidding, Edayna. Lately, things have been a little stressful! Yes it was a total accident. A friend of mine (one of the three) sent me an friendship request and it was necessary for me to open a facebook account to accept it. I had heard of facebook.com after the Virginia Tech murders, but I have mostly messed around on myspace.com and didn't have much interest or desire to check out the other one.

Since I had to open an account, while I was there I plugged in the names of EVERYBODY I ever knew - old boyfriends, old bosses, co-workers, etc., and once I got done with people *I* knew I went on to people that dh knew. Bingo - there they were.

I agree the financial aspect is annoying and disturbing but dh takes care of the finances and I do not question or criticize his management of our funds. What he pays, and why is up to him and I really have nothing to say about it. And yes, the work I do goes into the community pot and yes some of that money goes to his child support and if you don't think THAT grates on my nerves, you better BELIEVE IT DOES!. Grrrrrrrrr Me, working my BUTT off so that he can send child support to his wife who makes more than $60,000 a year!

Anyway. Thanks for your input.

As for the kids. Well, I only met them twice. Kind of hard to forge any step-kid bonds under those circumstances. IMHO Although technically, I suppose you're right.

donsgal

 

"Grrrrrrrrr Me, working my BUTT off so that he can send child support to his wife who makes more than $60,000 a year"


Don't you think you're his wife? There's a lot in that sentence.

Angie

 

"Grrrrrrrrr Me, working my BUTT off so that he can send child support to his wife who makes more than $60,000 a year"


Don't you think you're his wife? There's a lot in that sentence.

Angie

You think it was a Freudian slip? Nah, just a typo. LOL I won't go back and fix it though, so that this post will make sense to the others who read it.

donsgal

 

If the kids wanted him to know, he'd know. I'd leave well enough alone.

 

The Kids Are Still Young. Do Not Blame Them For Lack Of Contact.no One Knows What They Have Been Told. I Personally Believe Their Father Should Have Kept In Touch No Matter How Hard. We Had The Same Situation And My Son Made Sure The 3 Kids Knew Their Father Until They Got Older And His Faithfullness Paid Off. He Paid Faithfully.he Drove 4 1/2 Hrs One Way To Make His Visits . But The Kids Know Their Dad Loved Them And Now They Live With Him And His New Wife Of 11 Years Now. They Are 21.18,17

 

Yes, he still pays $460 a month child support to his wife (by way of the family services office). They are in Canada, and in order to get the order pulled he would have to go back to court which is difficult for us to do at this time. We would have to go back up there twice plus pay for attorney fees, court fees, etc. Not only that, but he would have to see his ex-wife again, which I think is more the reason why he does not want to do it. Even though it would save a lot of money.

donsgal

This doesn't make any sense to me, it sounds fishy. Is he paying child-support or is he paying her alimony? If it's child support then why is he still paying support at their ages? You said they are 19 and 21 years old. Here in Canada mandatory child support payments cease on an unmarried child's 19th birthday. They are not children anymore, they are considered adults at age 19. By Canadian law, support payments for the daughter should have ceased on the day she got married no matter how young she was when she got married. She is now the dependent of her husband and he is responsible for her support.

Tell your husband what you found on internet, and check out that court order about support yourself if you can. If he has been paying child support for the daughter since she got married (assuming she is the 19 year old?) and the son since he turned 19 (assuming he is the 21 year old?) your husband should be able to claim all that over-payment back from the ex-wife. In any case, he should not be having to pay her any more money now.

Originally Posted by donsgal ........ I agree the financial aspect is annoying and disturbing but dh takes care of the finances and I do not question or criticize his management of our funds. What he pays, and why is up to him and I really have nothing to say about it.

And yes, the work I do goes into the community pot and yes some of that money goes to his child support and if you don't think THAT grates on my nerves, you better BELIEVE IT DOES!. Grrrrrrrrr Me, working my BUTT off so that he can send child support to his wife who makes more than $60,000 a year!.......

This is unbelievable! His ex-wife makes over $60,000 a year. Your husband controls the money and you don't question what he does with joint finances, you have no say in the matter? What is he, your sugar-daddy or your husband? Donsgal, if all of this is true then I think your husband has pulled the wool over your eyes and YOU are the one who has been getting scammed all along. Are you sure you really know your husband? Do you know what has been happening with all the funds? STOP contributing any funds into the community pot immediately and make enquiries of your own about what has really been happening with all the money. None of this sounds right, none of it!

If all of this is true from your own personal point of view then I think YOU have been getting abused, I think he's been lying to you and he uses his (supposed) borderline OCD outbursts ??? to keep you controlled, frightened and under his thumb so you won't question what he does with YOUR money.

Unbelievable!

.

 

.... double post.

 

What he pays, and why is up to him and I really have nothing to say about it.

I beg to differ! As his wife, any money he makes and blows somewhere else is less money for your own household. Let's say you are saving up for a new vehicle or a roof or electrical repairs. How much longer would you have to put that stuff off because he's sending support payments to a 30 year old child? Ok, I know they're not that old YET, but is it possible he doesn't rock the boat simply because he's feeling guilty about not being there for them? He might just let it go on forever.

My BIL is in court right now, baby is just about a year old. He is required to pay until she's 19, BUT if she goes to school, he will be required to pay for X number of years towards her education. It will be up to the judge to decide what that amount will be, since obviously he will not be required to pay for 20 years of education if the child decides they want to become a "professional student" to keep the cash flowing.

I don't know if I would go so far as to blame the mother of the children for "forcing" your dh be a daddy twice, though. He made his bed. After all, he was the one who didn't want kids, but didn't take precautions to ensure it. After the first child, shouldn't he have known better?

In any event, he sounds a little wishy washy on the subject. I would let him know you saw his kids online, and let him decide. He may be suffering from a mental disorder, but he is an adult, after all. They are his kids. Who knows, you should try to be more positive, maybe some good will come of it.

 

That's a lot of money to keep paying each month that doen't need to be paid. Think about this. $460/month x 12 months = $5520.

I think you would pay less than that to get to Canada twice and go to court to get the order removed. IMHO, it would be better to borrow the money to get to Canada to get the support dissolved, and use the money you WOULD be paying each month to pay the loan off than to continue to pay on something that is no longer necessary.

And, if the mother is receiving the money, she may have to pay it back from the time they moved out, turned 18 or got married. That could be $22K.

Rather than bear the burden of hiding the fact that you found the kids online, I would mention it to DH - he doesn't have to look at it, but if he wants to, he knows he can.

 

If I were you I'd tell the man to grow a pair and take care of this huge drain on his finances. Are you really so subservient to let this slide, just because it might cause him some discomfort?

You've talked about getting a part-time job, but have trouble due to various circumstances. You do realize, don't you, that $460 a month is almost a part-time job right there? At the very least it's a nice car payment.

To answer your main question, no, I wouldn't tell him. If he is computer literate (and I wonder, given how much you talk about him here) he could probably go searching for his kids online himself, if he wanted to. I wonder how "accidentally" you found them -- how does one "accidentally" find a facebook account? Are you sure you're not just trying to stir up trouble and maybe instigate that phone call to Canada?

I don't want to be mean, I really don't, but you two seem to have more issues than a magazine.

* just sits here with my mouth AGAPE*

YOU have GOT to be kidding!
You the person who has one sided the story about YOUR marriage and husband , are going to sit here and pick apart and judge someone elses? You are absolutely un-believable.
Darlin I recommend you read long and hard your crass and sarcastic and just plain vindictive post, then go back to all the posts where you invited the entire forum to your pity parties to dessicrate the man YOU married.
all I've got to say to you at this point is...

Pot......Kettle.....Black

 

If I had a past like this hidden from the general public and my spouse posted it, he'd have bigger problems than what to do about having found out.

Donsgal, you just revealed a huge, intensely personal, private situation to about a thousand folks.

Not a pretty picture at all. Incredibly disrespectful of the hubby you claim to adore and can't spend a moment away from.

If you tell him you found the kids, tell him you told all of us about it.

Then, you won't have to fret about going on the trip with him. He'll leave your fanny at the house.

 

If he had a desire to know what they were doing, he could have found it out on his own. I'd keep my mouth shut, if I were you.

That's my opinion as well. He is capable of looking for them if he wanted to and the fact that he hasn't, as well as the fact that he quit seeing them years ago, speaks volumes. I think you should let it be and not say anything.

 

19 and 21 unless in college is a bit old for support. He may want to know so he could direct those funds elsewhere with a free mind about it. But, since it's Canada the rules may be different.

Child support rules in Canada are: up until 18, unless child is still in school (college, university) in which case it's up until 21.

 

1) I agree with the folks who say that if he wanted to know, he'd have found out for himself already. Leave it.

2) I also agree with the folks who say there's something awfully fishy about him still sending child support for legal adults.