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Discussion Starter #1
Does anyone with more life experience with me have any tips on how to live with someone who's mastered this type of behavior? Because as it stands, I'd rather have a right hook upside my head than have to communicate with someone who could write the book on this way of life. :hair
 

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Oh.. My dad lived with us for years until recently.
(biological, divorced when I was 2, didn't meet him again until I was almost 30..he didn't raise me)
He was The. Master!

Me: Do you need anything from the store? Is there anything you want?
Him: Oh.. I don't want you to go out of your way..
Me: I am going to the store already. What do you want? You obviously want something.
Him: I don't want to put you out.
Me: What the bleepity bleep do you want?
Him: (And this is a direct quote..from every.single.time. I went to the store...)
"I wouldn't want you to go down an aisle you weren't planning to go down."
Yes. Yes. He said it. Every time.
Me: I could have already been down the aisle and gotten it while you were being PA. What do you want?!
Him: Some oranges would be nice. But only if you were going to get some anyway. I wouldn't want you to get something special just for me.

Sometimes you just have to laugh because they are totally ridiculous.
 

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I put up with this kind of behavior from a SIL for years before I understood it was passive aggressive behavior. One day I was walking with my pastor and he asked me how I was getting along with her. I told him everything was fine and she was really nice to me until I let my guard down and then... he finished the sentence for me...she found a nice soft spot to stick the knife in.

Suddenly I understood that the best way to get along with her was to put a lot of distance between us. Currently 200 miles is about the right distance. There are worst things than not having any close family and that's having close family.

I wish I could offer you some positive advice but sometimes there isn't a sunny outlook. You just have to do what you have to do to keep your sanity.

Hang in there PiP.
 

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Oh.. My dad lived with us for years until recently.
(biological, divorced when I was 2, didn't meet him again until I was almost 30..he didn't raise me)
He was The. Master!

Me: Do you need anything from the store? Is there anything you want?
Him: Oh.. I don't want you to go out of your way..
Me: I am going to the store already. What do you want? You obviously want something.
Him: I don't want to put you out.
Me: What the bleepity bleep do you want?
Him: (And this is a direct quote..from every.single.time. I went to the store...)
"I wouldn't want you to go down an aisle you weren't planning to go down."
Yes. Yes. He said it. Every time.
Me: I could have already been down the aisle and gotten it while you were being PA. What do you want?!
Him: Some oranges would be nice. But only if you were going to get some anyway. I wouldn't want you to get something special just for me.

Sometimes you just have to laugh because they are totally ridiculous.
This made me laugh as it is reminiscent of a friend of mine. I quickly learned that this was a game that could go on forever and I am just not that patient. I stopped the game. Started taking them at their word. Ignoring the nonsense about how they did not want to inconvenience me.

"So you don't want anything at the store? Okay, see you in an hour or so."

Believe me this only had to happen twice before they got the message. If you want something you better speak up and quickly.

This person also loved the silent treatment. I just ignored it. Kept on talking even if they did not answer. Got in quite a few good comments which she could not ignore of course. If I could not get her to talk I would watch TV or even leave without saying goodbye. This really annoyed and surprised her.
 

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Oh.. My dad lived with us for years until recently.
(biological, divorced when I was 2, didn't meet him again until I was almost 30..he didn't raise me)
He was The. Master!

Me: Do you need anything from the store? Is there anything you want?
Him: Oh.. I don't want you to go out of your way..
Me: I am going to the store already. What do you want? You obviously want something.
Him: I don't want to put you out.
Me: What the bleepity bleep do you want?
Him: (And this is a direct quote..from every.single.time. I went to the store...)
"I wouldn't want you to go down an aisle you weren't planning to go down."
Yes. Yes. He said it. Every time.
Me: I could have already been down the aisle and gotten it while you were being PA. What do you want?!
Him: Some oranges would be nice. But only if you were going to get some anyway. I wouldn't want you to get something special just for me.

Sometimes you just have to laugh because they are totally ridiculous.
Passive aggressive is one thing, this is something....I'm not sure what it is called.
This is when someone doesn't want you to do them a favor because then they might owe you a favor. Like--could you put your shoes away. It's like "If I let you do this one favor for me, I might have to do a favor or be kind to you, and I'm not doing that."

Emdeengee had very good suggestions. You might also want to mention you weren't going to Florida for oranges just the supermarket.
 
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I used to have passive-aggressive tendencies. And then I married a PA First Hubby. That kinda got me out of the tendency.

I now am married to PA hubby #2, and often deal with his VERY PA Son...

Apparently, something I me likes it, I guess.... :-/
 

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Discussion Starter #12


Yeah, you know .... Reading that makes it seem like *I* am the passive aggressive one !! Maybe it's more of how I react to the passive aggressive behavior. Although the opening paragraph did sum it up; somehow it always gets turned around on me - that I'm the one who doesn't get it or who is out of control, or who needs medication. Lord knows - to deal with a passive aggressive I can see how I'd need to be medicated. ;)

Thanks. Distance isn't an option. A fly swatter upside the head just may be, though.
 

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I think I am missing something....this does not sound passive aggressive to me. I see PA as more like this:

The passive aggressive does not respond openly when upset. Passive aggressive anger comes out in ways that sabotages you and your attempt to solve problems in the marriage. Everything is a personal affront, an attack on them and they respond by trying to “get even,” and you are their target.
A few examples of typical passive aggressive behaviors in a marriage:

  • A husband is always late. This is a habit, not a onetime occurrence. He may ask you to meet him for lunch the day after an argument and be twenty minutes late to punish you.
 

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I think I am missing something....this does not sound passive aggressive to me. I see PA as more like this:

The passive aggressive does not respond openly when upset. Passive aggressive anger comes out in ways that sabotages you and your attempt to solve problems in the marriage. Everything is a personal affront, an attack on them and they respond by trying to “get even,” and you are their target.
A few examples of typical passive aggressive behaviors in a marriage:

  • A husband is always late. This is a habit, not a onetime occurrence. He may ask you to meet him for lunch the day after an argument and be twenty minutes late to punish you.
 

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DD's DH gives her the 'silent treatment' whenever there is any type of discussion...no need to even be an argument. She cannot stand it. Finally she's learned how to ignore it, do NOTHING for him while being given the 'treatment'. So he gets no dinner, etc.
It has very nearly stopped.

Some may remember I posted here about it & got a lot of GREAT suggestions!
 

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As far as my dada and the grocery store spiel.. it was PA.
He knew it drove me nuts, so he did it. Just because it drove me nuts.
And if I complained about it, he turned into a victim and me into a harpy lunatic.

And I couldn't ignore him as I was his total provider. He was my responsibility.
I 'had' to ask.

And he did other things too.. on a cycle.
He would hide food for a while.
Then he would starting messing with the DVR, deleting DH's shows, setting pointless things to tape at the same time we were taping the shows that we tape every single week.
Then it would be whining about taking a shower and turning that into a 4 hour fight.

Just because he could.

Yeah.. it was a special 6 years.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Well I will say I'm not so sure I'd label myself as abused. Emotional or otherwise - I'm not one to allow myself to be mistreated. Now at 19 I let some jerk knock me around a few times but after the third take down I threw his butt in jail, grabbed my cat, called my daddy and we were out of town before the sun came up. But that was a one time deal - and I quickly divorced him and never looked back. :)

But I'm talking about stupid stuff; asking questions when the answers are already known, responding to a question via text with another question, stabbing in front if an open fridge and asking "where's the bacon? Is it cooked or raw? What kind of bowl is it in?" when the bacon had been kept in the same 3x3 box against the wall, on the same stinking shelf for 13 years!!!!

Kind of like chickenista; using my stuff and misplacing it. Breaking it then saying, "well it was just a little girl hammer that didn't weigh but 2oz...not even a real hammer" (but it was real enough to get the job done for me for years prior until you broke it in half!!!!) - just petty stuff that makes me look like a madwoman because who could *possibly* be upset for point out the location of the bacon or the coffee filters. Everyday. In the same spot. For 13 years. Heavy breathing, stomping around in combat boots and intentionally closing doors loudly enough to wake the children...then stepping back and saying,"no....I wasn't trying to be loud." How many times do I have to say, "well could at least try NOT to be loud?" Or, "Well I'm not trying to argue" --- so maybe try NOT to argue!!!

Three years until retirement. I get a knot in my gut thinking that in three years things will just get worse because there will be no escape. I need to learn some coping skills or dust off my resume. May have to get a full time job just to get a break !!
 
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