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Number 1. I told my wife that the breakfast she fixed was terrible and I didn't see her for the rest of the morning.

Number 2. I told my wife I thought our new neighbor was good looking and I didn't see her for the rest of the day.

Number 3. I told my wife I thought she was putting on a little weight and I didn't see her for three days. Then I could see her a little out of one eye ....
 

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Alex... I'll take "Outta Left Field" for $27
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A young kid was sitting on the curb with a bottle of some fluid. Every once and a while he would shake it vigorously and watch until the bubbles disappeared.

A local Priest noticed this and thought to sit down and speak with the young man. He sidled up to him and sat beside him on the curb and said "Good day young man, what might you have in that little bottle?"

The young man looked at the Priest and then shook the bottle again and watched the bottle holding it up for the Priest to see.

He then remarked "it's the most poooowwwweeeerrrrrfffuuullll liquid in the world."

The Priest smiled and reflected for a moment and then told the kid "I believe you are mistaken, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in this world. Why, if you put a drop of Holy Water on a pregnant woman's stomach, she will pass a baby."

The kid said "Heck, that's nothing, this here is kerosene, put one drop on a cat's butt and it'll pass a motorcycle."
 

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Discussion Starter · #43 ·
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were
clear; no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the
windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.

The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker
on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have
orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on."

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new
at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"


########


It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

########


:D Al
 

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A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow pasture. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's azz. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?" I said, "Hey this looks like yours hun!"
 

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The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #46 ·
  1. A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.
    They were both just getting finished with their shaves,
    when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

    The admiral shouted,
    "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

    The chief turned to his barber and said,
    "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."



    ##########


  2. A butcher is in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again.

    So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note and it reads, "I need 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, he finds the money for the order there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.

    The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog.

    So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to an intersection. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button for the walk signal. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

    The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes, again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.

    The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

    The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

    Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again.

    There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to an open window, barks several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

    The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, yelling at him and swearing at him.

    The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What in the world are you doing ? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for heavens sake!"

    To which the guy responds, "Genius, my ***! This is the second time this week that he's forgotten his key."

    ########

    A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store.

    After a few minutes the clerk became curious and asked, "Just what is it you're looking for, sonny? Birthday greeting? Message to a sick friend? Anniversary congratulations to your mom and dad?"

    The boy shook his head, "No."

    "Then what kind of card is it that you want?" asked the clerk.

    The boy answered wistfully, "Got anything in the line of blank report cards?"

    ########


    A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

    "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

    A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

    Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

    The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

    The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

    The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

    The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

    By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

    The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

    The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

    The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

    ########

    A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
    The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

    "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
    "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

    "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

    ########

    Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

    One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

    As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!!

    There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear.

    The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life.

    Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

    He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

    The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the son of a ***** who pushed me into the pool!"




  3. The Maid's Revenge ~

    Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Buck, the family dog.

    When asked, "Why?" by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"

    You might be a ******* if...

    Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

    There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

    You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

    You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

    Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

    Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

    You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

    You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

    You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

    You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.


    ########


    There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six."

    His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.

    One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving.

    The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "Mother of six, are you ready to go?"

    Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of four."

    ########

    A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.

    With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

    With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

    And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

    Sermon complete, he then sat down.

    The Musical Director stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River.

    :D Al
 

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a man was walking past a horse hitched to an ice wagon. someone said, sheese, what a lousy job.
the man looked around but there was nobody there.
then the horse said, am I right or am I wrong ??
the man was astonished. he said, does your owner know you can talk ?? the horse repllied , No..
but why don't you tell him ?
the horse said, oh sure, then besides pulling this wagon, I would have to yell out, Ice, Ice, too..
 

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From my kiddos:

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling crummy

What do you call a lady with one leg shorter than he other?

Eileen

*lame Laffy Taffy worthy jokes I know, but still kinda cute
 

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Joe staggers home from the bar and passes out in the bed with his wife. About half way through the night, Joe dies and finds himself before St. Peter. St. Peter tells him that he is dead. Joe is horrified. He says "I can't be dead" Is there any way you can send me back? St. Peter said "I can't send you back as a human, but, I can send you back as a chicken." Joe says "Sure, whatever you have to do, I am just not ready to die" POOF, Joe is back on Earth in a barn yard pecking at grain on the ground. Suddenly, Joe feels pressure in his lower abdomen. It hurts a lot and about that time a rooster walks by and joe asks him what is going on. The Rooster ask him, "Haven't you every laid an egg before" Joe says "No". "Well, just let your body do what it is supposed to and it will just happen". Sure enough in a few minutes Joe laid an egg. A sudden and overwhelming maternal feeling engulfed Joe. He had never been so happy. Then, he felt that same pain again. He let it come and sure enough, another egg was soon produced. He was so happy that he could hardly contain himself. He felt the pain again and was all excited about being a mother for the 3rd time when his wife punched him and said "Joe!!, wake up, you've crapped the bed!!".
 

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There are several cowmen sitting around in the sale barn waiting for the lightweight calves to run through. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the cowboys picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H - Husband, W - Wife)

H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the salebarn?"
H - "Yep."
W - "Great! I am at the mall a couple of miles from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,900.00."
H - "Well, OK, i guess go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2019 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H-"What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $160,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, the horse barn, the vineyard, and the fifty acre lake."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $2.5 million - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $2.3 million. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love u too..."

The cowboy hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 

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Why you never question a drunk.
Overheard from a woman:

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?"




The drunk replied, "’Cause you're really ugly."
 

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******* College...

A ******* family's only son returns home from college. The father asks, "Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?"

The son says, "Pi R squared."

The father yells, "Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pies are round, cornbread are square."

o_O
 

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A policeman was sitting at the local cafe waiting for his donuts. The waitress sets them down in front of him. He looks at the donuts and looks at the waitress and asks what is this? Those are your donuts you ordered. You said you wanted 2 donuts and "STEP ON IT". "8^) Dsmythe
 

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An old lady's doctor recently retired and she goes in for her checkup with the new young doctor who goes over the prescriptions for her meds. He lists them off one at a time verifying she is still taking them and then come to birth control pills...
"Uhm, it says here Ms smith you have a prescription for birth control pills." He asks with a perplexed look on his face.
"Yes Doctor, they help me sleep at night." she replies.
The doctor perplexed look doen't change, a he replies "Ma'am, I assure you without any doubt there are absolutely no ingredients in birth control pills that helps anyone sleep. there is no reason for you to be having these at all."
The lady gets a matter of fact look on her face and replies to the doctor sort of curtly."Well, I assure you Doctor, every morning I prepare breakfast, and I take one of those birthcontrol pills, put it in a glass of orange juice, hand it to my 16 yr old grand daughter to drink, and that absolutely makes me sleep better at night."
 
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