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How many beans does it take to make Irish bean soup?

239. Because one more would make it too farty
 
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Two Irish priests decided to go on a vacation to Barcelona.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a bikini
came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by.

They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
wearing a different colored bikini, taking her sweet time,
came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied,
"Father, it's me, Sister Phillomena" !
 

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An Irish Tale

The daughter of a poor Irish farmer had not been home for over five years. When she did return, her father cursed her heavily.

“Where have ye been all this while, lass? Why did ye run off and not write us, not even a line? Why? Can ye not understand the pains you've poor ol' mother through? And yer brother and me too?”
Crying, the girl replies, "I know, I'm so sorry Daddy, I met a man but he dumped me and I had to do terrible things to survive. Sniff, sniff…daddy...I...became…a prostitute. But I've done well!”

“A what!?!?! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family. Now you'll be needin' to leave before your poor mother comes round, now go!”

“OK, papa, as ye wish. I only came to give Mum the old O'Riley estate and castle so she and you could live out your years in comfort having others do for you and poor mum for a change. And for my dear brother Declan I got him a nice Rolex watch because I know how much he loves watches and I brought a new Aston Martin DB10 for you daddy. I also wanted to invite you all for as long as you'd like on my 290' yacht on the French Riviera. I'm so sorry to have hurt you all but I'll leave, I don't want to hurt anybody anymore..."
At this point her daddy is more than curious so he says, "Now hold on lass, what is it ye said you've gone and done with yerself?"

"I became a prostitute daddy." she says.

"A prostitute!!!" he replies. "Sure and begorrah as God is my witness, you've scared me half to death lass! I thought you said you'd become a Protestant! Now come here and give yer old man a hug!"
 

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An Irish man goes to the Doctor,

Who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart but I think if you take some tablets you’ll be okay“, So the doctor gives him some tablets and the man asks “Do I have to take them every day?

“No“, “take one on Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thursday, and so on like that.“ Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street and sees the patient’s wife.


“Hello Mrs. Murphy“ He says “And how is your husband?“ “ he died of a heart attack,“ says Mrs. Murphy. “I am very sorry to hear that, ”Says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be alright.“

“All the tablets were fine“ says Mrs. Murphy “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!“
 

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An Irish man goes fishing

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?"
“Fishing” replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.”

In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart ass, cannot resist asking,

"So how many have you caught today?”

"You're the 8th", replied the old man.
 
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An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he spots a Preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the Preacher...

The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, ' Hicc..yes, I am.'

So the Preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'

The Preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him Into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't Found Jesus.'

By this time the Preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---

But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs so he pulls him up.

The Preacher again asks the
drunk, 'For the love of Mike, have you found Jesus..!!?'

The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, 'now tell me this, are you sure this is where he fell in' ?
 

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If Hell is red hot, dry and mostly empty,

then how do Arizonians realize that they're dead?
 
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Working on a better way of living life.
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When you see geese flying in "V" formation and one side is always longer than the other....do you know why?....
More ducks on one side.....
 

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STILL not Alice
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STILL not Alice
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I remember wearing those HIGH heels, too. (It saved me having to hem my bell-bottom jeans!)

Car Photograph Vehicle Motor vehicle Hood
 

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STILL not Alice
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Bengal tiger Siberian tiger Tiger Water Felidae
 

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I calls em like I sees em
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I remember wearing those HIGH heels, too. (It saved me having to hem my bell-bottom jeans!)

View attachment 99775
I took my driver's license test in a 72 charger, looks like the same rear end in that photo. It was my wicked stepmothers car.
 
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