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I have a friend who's half Mexican and half Jewish

He's a janitor, but the building is his.
 

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A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition.

On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"

"Wow that's amazing!" Says the surprised wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!" "Well, I don't know how she was yesterday," he replied, "but today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst!"
 

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My wife drove our German car off the pier into the ocean.

The next day I went diving to look for it.

I got the Benz.
 

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I was telling my friends some statistics on how often different groups of people have sex.

I was telling my friends some statistics on how often different groups of people have sex. I told them that I had heard Europeans had sex, on average, once a day. Then I told them that I had heard North Americans had sex, on average, twice a week. Finally I told them Asians had sex, on average, once every six months. These stats surprised my friends who had just now learned they were Asian.
 

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I called up a hotel and the receptionist answered 'Hello, Best Western'...

I replied 'True Grit, starring John Wayne.'
 
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What happens when you play a country western song backwards?

You get your dog back, you get your wife back, your family comes home, you get your truck back...
 

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A Muslim hailed a London cab.

He asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no Western style music or radios. The cab driver turned off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Muslim asked him "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "in the time of the prophet there were no taxis either, so piss off and wait for a camel."
 

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A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
 

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Why does everybody hate America so much?

Because America doesn't murder its critics.
 

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A Japanese couple is visiting America for the first time

When they arrive at the airport, it's just past dawn. The girlfriend, who doesn't speak any English, says in her native tongue "Good morning!"*

To which the boyfriend tells her "No, babe, this is Nebraska."


*Ohayō
 

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America is getting old

it can't get a good election
 

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In America police dogs are K9

In China they are E10.
 

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Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion?’ Then she called his father and he also slapped him.

The next day when the teacher saw him with his face red and asked what happened, Mohammad said, ‘Madam, four hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Arabs'.
 

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What do you call a white drug abuser in the US?

A politician
 

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If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators
 

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Why can’t a girl living in America be buried in Canada?

Because she is still alive
 

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Why did the dyslexic association of America stop having their meetings at the YMCA?

They all showed up at Macys.
 

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Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yup. Sure did." The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yup. "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out" the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Biden is dead!?" the sheriff shouted. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is!"
 
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So many items are no longer made in America..

I just bought a new TV and the box said “built in antenna”...

I don’t even know where that is!
 
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