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Husband: These orthodox shoes are great

Wife: You mean "orthopedic" shoes

Husband: I stand corrected
 
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Guy dies in a plane crash...

and when he gets to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter looks his name up in the book.

"Ah, yes, here you are," Saint Peter says. "Says here you are Lutheran. Follow me."

Saint Peter leads the guy into Heaven and into a long, white corridor. Along the corridor are heavy wooden doors, all shut. Saint Peter motions for the guy to follow and they begin a walk along the corridor. As they pass the first door, the guy hears strange singing and organ music coming from behind it.

"What's in there?" the guy asks.

Saint Peter responds, "Those are the Greek Orthodox. Come along."

They walk further down the corridor and past the second door. Behind it, the guy hears lots of yells of, "Praise Jesus!" and "Amen!" in a chorus of voices.

"What's that one?" the guy asks Saint Peter.

"Southern Methodist. Come along, Lutheran is further down the hall."

As they approach the third door, Saint Peter turns to the guy and puts his finger over his lips and whispers. "Shhh... don't make a sound. Tiptoe and don't... say... anything." They carefully tiptoe past the third door without making a noise. When they are a good twenty feet further along, Saint Peter lets out a breath of relief and says, "Okay, we're good. We can keep going."

"What the heck was that?" the guy asks, worried.

Saint Peter says, "Those are the Church of Christ. They think they're the only ones up here."
 

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Long term pain

During a congress about health care, the speaker asks:

"which food causes extreme suffering, even after years of being eaten?"

After a long silence an elderly man raises his hand and replies "A WEDDING CAKE."
 

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Indigestion...

Three best friends worked in construction together on the same crew. They were working on the 20th floor of a building when they stopped for their lunch break. They sat on the edge of the building, legs dangling over the edge, enjoying the view as they ate their lunches.

Guido opened his lunch box and yelled in frustration, "Pasta! Pasta! Every day it's pasta! If I'ma get pasta in my lunch tomorrow, I'ma gonna jump!"

Jose then opened his lunch and exclaimed, "Tortillas!! Tortillas! Every day it's tortillas! If I get tortillas in my lunch tomorrow, I'm gonna jump, too!"

Then blonde Bob opened his lunch and said, "Bologna sandwich! Bologna sandwich! Every day it's a bologna sandwich! If I get a bologna sandwich in my lunch tomorrow, I'm jumping, too!"

The next day, they sit down on the edge of the building for lunch.

Guido opens his lunch box, sees pasta, and jumps to his death.

Jose opens his lunch box and sees tortillas and also jumps to his death.

Bob opens his, finds a bologna sandwich, and jumps to his death.

Since they were such close friends, their wives decide to have a joint funeral for them.

At the funeral, the wives are lamenting their loss. Guido's wife says, "If only I'd known, I would have packed something other than pasta in his lunch!" And she cries in anguish.

Jose's wife says, "If only I'd known, I would have packed something other than tortillas in his lunch!" And she cries hysterically.

Bob's wife just stands there, nodding her head. The other two wives look at her incredulously at her lack of emotion.

"Don't look at me," Bob's wife said. "He packed his own lunch."
 

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A couple from New York moved to Florida in where they would walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The man and wife assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but they didn’t know for sure so they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

The husband hadn’t, and said so.

Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lay out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

He walked up the beach and met her at the road. “

Well? Is she selling drugs?” she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice.

“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

“Well? What is it, then? What does she do?” the wife fairly shrieked.

He smirked and said, “She sells ‘C’ cells down by the sea shore.”
 

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An Italian Ma Ma

Mrs. D'Angelo comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Ma Ma,

“I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

Your Loving Son
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Ma Ma which read:

Dear son,

"I'm not-a saying that-a you "do-a" sleep-a with Maria, and I'm not-a saying that-a you "do not" sleep-a with her. But-a the fact remains that-a if she was-a sleeping in her OWN bed-a, she-a would have found-a the sugar-a bowl by now."

Your loving Ma Ma.
 
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To impress his date, Ron took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered for the both of them. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

"That's the manager." said the waiter.
 
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General Electric's aircraft engine division was just purchased by the Italian airline, Alitalia

The new company will be known as "Genitalia".
 

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What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.
 

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I went to a fancy Italian restaurant but stormed out when I found bugs in my food.

Turned out it was the anty pasto.
 

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I went to a fancy Italian restaurant but stormed out when I found bugs in my food.

Turned out it was the anty pasto.
 

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Did you hear about the man who was half Polish and half Italian?

He made himself an offer he couldn’t understand.
 

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My Muslim friend doesn’t eat Italian sausage

It’s not a religious thing, Isalamiphobia
 

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A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman

are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?

"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."

"I say it's art," decides the Italian. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art."

"I disagree," announces the Frenchman. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."

All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
 

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The Italian Boss’ sudden Inspection

James gets a job at an Italian restaurant. He finds his boss to be extremely unsettling. He is old, very stern and demanding.

He takes the job anyway because he is desperate to make money.

One day, several strange men in suits walk in 5 minutes before closing time. Unlike anyone he’s ever seen in the area.

He goes to the back and tells his boss that he has some strange visitors.

The boss gets up and goes to greet them. He comes back 5 minutes later and James asks who they are.

“Inspectors. They have to be! Quick! I want you to call Mr. and Mrs. Fisher. The... how do you say... ”

“The cleaners?”

“Yes!”

So James calls them and they arrive in no time. They frantically start cleaning the kitchen in secrecy while the suited men order their meal.

The boss suddenly calls James over and says “They have ordered the number 22. We are understaffed. Go to the kitchen and help. I want them to see quick service!”

“Me? I’m not a cook!”, says James

“You are now” says the Boss.

He leans in toward James with a stone cold stare. And under his breath he mutters.

“If you don’t cook... you'll be sweeping with the Fishers”.
 

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A Redn*ck went shopping for his wife

He left 4pm. It was already 10pm and he had not arrived yet, his wife was already walking around in circles, worried about her husband... 11pm, midnight... 1am, 2am... It was 4am when he finally arrived.

Really mad at him, she wants to know what has happened that took him so long, and he answered:

"Talitha, you won't believe me! I was there, at the shopping mall, coming back home at the escalator, when the power went off and I had to wait there, standing!"

She answered:

"My Goodness Jim Bob! You are so dumb! Why didn't you sit?!"
 
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