Homesteading Forum banner

3861 - 3880 of 3898 Posts

263 Posts
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Don't drink and derive.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

A bear walks into a bar and the bartender asks what he wants to drink. There bear says I'll have................a beer. The bartender says, "what's with the big pause?"
The bear throws up his arms and says "I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM!"

I believe in a better world, one where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

What is brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre....

It's winter again.
That time of year when the poor are making tough choices between food, heating, or getting that massive new tattoo.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

The reason most single men can't follow recipes is that they always start with "First, take a clean bowl..."

Sometimes I wrestle with my demons, sometimes we just snuggle.

263 Posts
A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

263 Posts
Four little kids were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water..."

"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'

"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"

263 Posts
A country woman walked into an attorney's office and announced that she wanted a deevorce.

The attorney said that first she would need to have a case to proceed. The woman said, "We ain't got no Case, but we got a John Deere."

"No, no," said the attorney, "We will need to establish grounds, do you have any grounds?" To which the woman replied, "Yeah, we got forty acres South of town."

The attorney said, "No, no, you need to have some kind of reason, like does he beat you up?" "Yes" she says, "He get's up around 4:30 to milk the cow and I gets up around 5."

The attorney says, "No, no, you need to prove incompatibility, like do you have any grudges?" The woman replied, "No, we just park in the yard, but we have a shed for the John Deere."

The exasperated attorney asks, "Well just why do you want a divorce in the first place?"

The woman responds, "Well... We just don't understand each other all that good."

5,300 Posts
"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an ***** on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

263 Posts
Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?
The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry midterm exam. One student gave such a "profound" answer that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
The official test concluded with a Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. Therefore, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell since Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
  2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year," ... that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

263 Posts
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Explain Economics & Politics: Better Than Any Class
Strategy of certain political & economical systems, politicians, governments and companies at a glance! Or: What to do with two cows?

You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your public-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.


You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Wow, dude, there's like ... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Disney Capitalism
You have two cows. They dance & sing.

Martha Stewart Capitalism
You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.

Ayn Rand Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a dairy farm. After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk processing plant. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.

Californian Capitalism
You have two cows. They are happy.... Because they are eating grass.....
3861 - 3880 of 3898 Posts