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A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex.

Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!"

The wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"

The husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

The wife is on her knees, literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

The husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina tim kouji!"

I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this!

You don't know Japanese!

You'll read anything as long as it's about sex....

Sometimes I worry about you.

You're in need of serious help!
Bwaaahahaha!!
 

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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup,
and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant,
and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,
"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry,
and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods,
and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear,
and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..."
replied the doctor.
 

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A group of three maintenance guys were given the assignment to find the height of a flagpole.

They set out with a ladder and soon discovered it was not long enough, so they went and got a longer one. Still not long enough.

A young boy passed by and being curious as young boys are, asked them what they were doing. They explained that they were attempting to measure the height of the flagpole, but their ladder wasn't long enough.

The boy looked the flagpole over and pointed to four bolts at the base of the pole and said, "If you take those bolts loose you can lay the pole down and measure it."

To which the maintenance guys responded, "Stupid kid! We want to know the height of it, not the length of it!"
 

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A group of three maintenance guys were given the assignment to find the height of a flagpole.

They set out with a ladder and soon discovered it was not long enough, so they went and got a longer one. Still not long enough.

A young boy passed by and being curious as young boys are, asked them what they were doing. They explained that they were attempting to measure the height of the flagpole, but their ladder wasn't long enough.

The boy looked the flagpole over and pointed to four bolts at the base of the pole and said, "If you take those bolts loose you can lay the pole down and measure it."


To which the maintenance guys responded, "Stupid kid! We want to know the height of it, not the length of it!"

Oh that one is terrible! They must have all failed geometry.
 

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Oh that one is terrible! They must have all failed geometry.

Once upon a time in a classroom far, far away, a young country boy was asked to use geometry in a sentence.

He thought for a while and said, "There was once a little sprout and it grew and it grew and it grew. One day it looked at itself and said, 'Gee! om a tree!'."
 

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A woman brought a very limp duck into the vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black dog. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.
 

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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
 

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There was a young boy who lived in the sticks that had to hunt for food for his family. he was walking down a dirt road with a handful of duct tape. an old man who lived on the road said "boy, what are you doing with that there duct tape" the boy said "I'm hunting ducks" the old man said "alright son, have fun" and chuckled as the boy walked away. that evening the boy came by with several ducks. the old man said "hold up boy, did you really catch those ducks with that duct tape?" the boy said "yes sir" and continued to walk back home.

The next day the boy came back dragging some chicken wire and the old man said "let me guess, you're hunting chickens now?" and the young boy said "yes sir" and disappeared in the woods. That afternoon the boy came back holding a few chickens by their feet and the old man said "did you really catch those chickens with chicken wire?" and the young boy said "yes sir, all of them" and continued home.

A few days later the boy came back with a fistful of pus*y willows, the old man said "hold up, boy! I'm coming with you!"
 

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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father"

The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that".

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many".

The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way".

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
 

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A man and his wife were constantly arguing about his penchant for going out drinking and playing cards with his buddies.

This was a continual source of friction between the two, he would go out, she would nag him about it.

One day his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me!"

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 

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René Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks if he wants anything. …

René says, “I think not,”

then disappears.


Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings…

Pavlov gasps, “Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs.”


Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my Pepsi.

They are SO on my sh*t list...


A woman was showing her new mood ring off to a friend.

She said "When I'm in a good mood it turns pretty colors of green and blue.

"When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on my husband's forehead."



A lady walks into a jewelry store wearing a beautiful large diamond. The jeweler remarks what a beauty it is and compliments her.

She says thanks and says, “It’s named the Plotkin diamond but it comes with a curse!”

The jeweler asks. “What’s the curse?”

She replies, “Mr. Plotkin!”
 

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A group of ISIS militants are walking through the desert area and they hear a voice. It says "One U.S. Marine is better than 10 ISIS!". Angered by this comment, the militants shoot where they heard the voice. They stop shooting only to hear the voice again, this time yelling "One U.S. Marine is better than 100 ISIS!". The militants, outraged, gather 100 of their best fighters and shoot where they last heard the voice. They cease fire, and once again they hear the same voice. This time it says "One U.S. Marine is better than 1,000 ISIS!". The militants had had enough, and called in 1,000 fighters, and a huge battle breaks out.

In the middle of the firefight, a wounded militant crawls to one of the ISIS leaders and cries out "No! Don't send in any more fighters, it's a trap! There are TWO of them!".
 

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and there is Lewis Grizzard///

From Joshua Chamberlain's, account of the surrender at Appomattox:

The momentous meaning of this occasion impressed me deeply. I resolved to mark it by some token of recognition, which could be no other than a salute of arms. Well aware of the responsibility assumed, and of the criticisms that would follow, as the sequel proved, nothing of that kind could move me in the least. The act could be defended, if needful, by the suggestion that such a salute was not to the cause for which the flag of the Confederacy stood, but to its going down before the flag of the Union. My main reason, however, was one for which I sought no authority nor asked forgiveness. Before us in proud humiliation stood the embodiment of manhood: men whom neither toils and sufferings, nor the fact of death, nor disaster, nor hopelessness could bend from their resolve; standing before us now, thin, worn, and famished, but erect, and with eyes looking level into ours, waking memories that bound us together as no other bond;—was not such manhood to be welcomed back into a Union so tested and assured? Instructions had been given; and when the head of each division column comes opposite our group, our bugle sounds the signal and instantly our whole line from right to left, regiment by regiment in succession, gives the soldier's salutation, from the "order arms" to the old "carry"—the marching salute. Gordon at the head of the column, riding with heavy spirit and downcast face, catches the sound of shifting arms, looks up, and, taking the meaning, wheels superbly, making with himself and his horse one uplifted figure, with profound salutation as he drops the point of his sword to the boot toe; then facing to his own command, gives word for his successive brigades to pass us with the same position of the manual,—honor answering honor. On our part not a sound of trumpet more, nor roll of drum; not a cheer, nor word nor whisper of vain-glorying, nor motion of man standing again at the order, but an awed stillness rather, and breath-holding, as if it were the passing of the dead!
 
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