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Saltine American
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Borrowed from 5 Acre Living on FB https://www.facebook.com/groups/1673575419594464/

An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
 

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Saltine American
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8,174 Posts
Marine in Afghanistan yells at the Taliban over the ridge "10 Taliban can't kill one Marine". Taliban leader sends over 10 fighters all get killed. Marine yells "100 Taliban can't kill one Marine". Taliban leader sends over 100 fighters, are all are killed. Marine yells "1000 Taliban can't kill one Marine". Taliban leader sends over 1000 fighters. 999 are killed and one gets away, comes back to the leader and says" its a trap, there are 2 Marines over there.
 
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Saltine American
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8,174 Posts
A small New England town had a central square, like most towns in that part of the country. This town was a bit more progressive than most. They erected a statue of a beautiful woman on one side of the square and a statue of a handsome man on the other side. Now, these statues had nothing to do all day except stare across the square at each other. On the night of the 100th anniversary of the statues being erected an angle came down from heaven and granted them life for only that one night. For only that one night they would be real people but had to be back on their pedestals by sunrise. They went off in the bushes and there was loud moaning and groaning and the bushes were shaking. After a while they came out and took a stroll around the square. The man asked the woman, "do you want to do it again?". The woman replied,"OK but this time you hold the pigeon and I get to poop on it's head."
No angle needed, they were just across the street from each other.
 
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Saltine American
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8,174 Posts
He stood up, tackled him and held him to the ground and said: "That dog will bite you!

Alternative punchline.
Coworker said, "If you ask him real nice maybe he'll let you."

Ewwwww
One of the lines from the Late Lewis Grizzard
Got to tell the dog story. There’s somebody left who hasn’t heard the dog story.

We are playing Auburn. Sanford Stadium. National Television. Winner wins the Southeastern Conference; goes to the Sugar Bowl.

85,000 people jammed into Sanford Stadium. National television audience. This game is on the Armed Service Network. People in Switzerland are seeing this ballgame. Going everywhere.

The band cranks up “Glory, Glory to Ole Georgia” and our team comes running out. 85,000 stand as one.

We are led by our gallant mascot, UGA-U-G-A. What a dog! What a gorgeous dog. What a symbol of ferocity. But UGA ain’t real smart. UGA did not realize he was at a football game. Nor did he realize he was on national television, and was going into living rooms the width and breadth of this great nation.

And there, in front of all them people, he began to lick himself where dogs occasionally want to lick themselves, ok?

We don’t have to get any more graphic than that.

Bubba an’ Earl sittin’ on the fifty.

Bubba sees the dog, punches earl and said, ‘Earl, look at that dog. Dadgum, I wish I could do that.’

Earl said, ‘ Bubba, that dog’ll bite you
 

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Saltine American
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8,174 Posts

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Saltine American
Joined
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8,174 Posts
I once new a senior CHP with a great sense of humor, couldn't stop joking. As you may know, when local PD is involved in a traffic accident, the State Police conduct the investigation, for greater impartiality. Well, a local cop had run into the back of a lad's car at a stop sign, clearly the cop's fault, and Harry the CHP came to investigate. His first question to the lady that got hit was

"How fast were you going when you backed into the police car?" intended as a joke.

Well, she fainted. Harry got reprimanded. But man, what a great story for the grandkids.
That reminds me.............. Many years ago, on the way home I was the second auto back from a stop sign when the car ahead of me went I pulled up to the stop sign, stopped and was immediately hit in the rear knocking me out into the road. It was a police auto and the cop walks up to my window and says "I thought you went on" my reply THE SIGN SAYS STOP! They paid.
 

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Saltine American
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8,174 Posts
A priest entered his prize donkey in a race and it won!

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.

The local paper read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in any more races.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PRIEST'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN .

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the headlines read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read : NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

They buried the Bishop the next day.
 
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