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· in memoriam
12,684 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Two strings walk in to a bar.

The bar owner shouts, "You two get out of here! We don't serve strings in this bar!"

The strings leave but, right outside the door, one of them starts banging his head against the sidewalk and contorting himself in crazy ways.

He walks back in to the bar and the bar owner angrily asks, "Hey! Aren't you one of them strings that just tried to come in here?"

The twisted, banged up string says...

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

:D Al

· in memoriam
12,684 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
A mushroom walks into a bar and hits on every woman in the place only to be turned down by all of them. He walks to the bar and orders a shot. The bartender says, "tough night with the ladies huh?" The mushroom replies, "yeah, I don't get it. I'm a fungi"

There used to be a bar on the fifth story of a walk-up building.
A young man had been passing it every day for weeks and curiosity finally got the better of him. When he walked in he saw that there was just one other customer, a nerdy looking guy with glasses, and the barman.

"I'll have the house beer, Sam," says the nerdy guy.

He drinks the whole thing in one gulp, runs across the room and jumps
out the window.

The young man run to the window only to arrive just in time to see the nerdy guy calmly walking back into the building.

A few seconds later the nerdy guy walks up to the bar and says, "Sam, I'll have another house beer."

Just as before the nerdy guy gulps the beer, runs across the room, and out the window, but since the young man is close to the window he watches the nerdy guy perform a triple somersault, land on his feet and walk back into the building.

Now in utter astonishment the young man walks up to the bartender and orders a house beer.

He drinks it in one gulp runs across the room, out the window and SPLAT.

About this time the nerdy guy walks back into the bar.

The bartender looks at him and says, "You know you're a real jerk when you're drunk Superman

:D Al

· in memoriam
12,684 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Went camping the other week, in the middle of the night the tent disappeared.

I called the insurance company, they said we weren't covered...

A young man winds up at the Pearly Gates and asks St. Peter for admittance.

"Well, young man, to enter these gates you have to be able to prove that you showed your faith not just through words, but through actions," Peter said. "But when I look at the book of your life I can't find a single good deed."
"What about the time I told a group of bikers to stop harassing an old lady and then I kicked over their bikes" asked the man.
"I don't see that in here," St. Peter said. "When did that happen?"
"About five minutes ago," he replied. "How do you think I got here."

:D Al


· in memoriam
12,684 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
A man goes to pick up his two sons at his ex-wife's apartment. After being invited in, he sees the ex's new boyfriend sitting on the living room sofa. Since he is in a little bit of a snotty mood, he asks the question: "Tell me, is she still a lousy lover?" The boyfriend looks up, smiles and replies: "Not with a man who knows what he's doing."
And that, my friends, is the first, last and only conversation I ever had with my wife's ex-husband.

:D Al

· Uncertified Master Chief Village Idiot
2,105 Posts
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
Why, How can this be?"
Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says,

"Up here, we work by results,"

"While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed."


It ain't right but you laughed, didn't you?o_O

· Premium Member
17,420 Posts
Two ranch hands walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats.

They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the current cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"

The woman shakes her head no.

The cowboy then asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstructed food flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy saunters back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before."

· If I need a Shelter
19,689 Posts
Number 1 Yes
Number 2 Don't Everyone
Number 3 They just don't understand and Lock me up
Number 4 They just don't understand
Number 5 my wife is good about telling me
Number 6 1Pm-3PM
Number 7 Beer works
Number 8 They have Gorilla Tape now
Number 9 Just paid the Dryer off
Number 10 Fake it

big rockpile

· Unpaid, Volunteer Devil's Advocate
18,758 Posts
A Guy is walking down the street. He hears beautiful music. A quick search and discovers it is coming out of a nearby Tavern. He stepped into the Bar and, over in the corner is a tiny little piano, about a foot tall with a tiny guy playing the piano. He walked up to the Bartender, " Wow, he's good. Where did you come up with that?" The Bartender explained, "I got it from a Magic Jeanie. Want to see it?" The guy, excitedly replies, "You have a Magic Jeanie? Wow! Of course I want to see it."

The Bartender takes him into the back and pulls a large brass lamp off the shelf, "Here, just rub on it and make a wish. But be specific."

The Bartender went back to washing glasses and the guy began rubbing, " I wish I had a million bucks, I wish I had a million bucks." Suddenly, the back door of the Bar burst open, webbed feet, duck bills, feathers, Quack, quack quack. The bartender heard the racket and ran back, " What happened!" The guy reported, " Well I wished for a million bucks, but got a million ducks. You said to be specific but you didn't tell me the Jeanie was hard of hearing." The Bartender replied, " What? Did you think I wished for a 10 inch pianist?"

· Registered
2,136 Posts
a man walks into a bar at noon, just as the doors opened.
the bartender served him a glass of beer about every 20 minutes. this went on until 8 PM when the new bartender came on duty.. the first bartender told the new one what he was doing.. and he said, that man never got off the stool to go to the bathroom, either..
so the second bartender kept the beers coming until 1 AM when he announced that the bar was closing.
the man still had not moved off of his stool.
the man got up, walked out the door and stopped at the top step. zipped open his pants. the bar tender said, You are not going to pee right here, are you ??
the man answered, Oh no, I am going to go waaaaay over there..
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