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Happy Homemaker
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Okay, let me start at the beginning.......

A few weeks ago my DD5 had some bites in her pantie line and needed medicine. So I got the medicine and told her to take of her panties and lay down so I could make sure I got them all. She started balling...hysterically. I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn't want to take off her panties. :shrug: Then a week or so later she had to go to the doctor for a checkup.....doctor was examining her and was touching her tummy and she looked VERY uncomfortable and started crying. About two weeks ago she started peeing the bed at night, she did that a few times. She has been completely potty trained since she was 2 and has never had ANY accidents since then up until now. She was been very rebellious and lieing about everything....this is out of character for her.

I had mentioned a couple of these things to a friend who's DH works at an abuse home. She told me I might need to check into the possibility that DD has been or is being molested. :Bawling: She talked to her husband about the things I had said and he said if I had told him directly those things he would had to have turned it into the police. Because of his position by law he is required to report stuff like that.

Now I am scared to death to let my DD out of my sight....even my DS3. I have been trying to make a list of who could possibly have done anything to her (and at this point I don't really know for sure anything has happened). I have ruled out my DH, not just because he is my husband, but because he is barely around anyway, doesn't give her a bath because he feels it is inappropriate, leaves the room is she is getting dressed, is very concerned about her being modest, won't sleep in the same bed with her unless I am there also (again he feels this is not appropriate).

Anyway.....I think the only likely person is my Dad. When I was younger something happened with him touching me, I was ten and my parents were split up, he said is was an accident and it was just something he did to my mom in his sleep..... I guess he told my mom and they thought I slept thru it so they never bothered talking to me about it until several years later when I finally brought it up. My DH doesn't feel comfortable around him because of the comments he makes and the things he does. He will slap my butt when I walk by or tell me how good my butt looks, etc. A couple months ago my mom and I were cleaning out a closet and found an old piece of her langerie.....Dad said he would like for me to try it on for him. I have never looked at any of this badely.....I thought he was kind of a dirty old man but he was my Dad and I just assumed that was how Dad's were. Then I got around my DH and his dad and started questioning if this was right.

ANYWAY! DH and I have decided she is not to be alone with anyone, especially my dad BUT the kids have always gone over there.......my parents have an obsession, no that is not too strong a word, with my children and have to see them several times a week and let them spend the night at least once a week. (We live across the field!)When my dad wasn't working DD would go over there and spend the days with him (again, I didn't see any of this as bad! Please don't bash me because I am beating myself up enough about it) When they would spend the night they sleep in separate beds because they say the can't all fit in one bed......my mom and DS in one and my dad and DD in the other!! :flame: So now I won't let them go over there and I WON'T let them spend the night!

I tried to talk to my mom about what was going on without accusing my dad. I tried to tell her we were having modesty issues with DD and she was not to be alone with any male, not to undress, or sleep in same bed, etc. She kind of laughed it off like I was crazy. So when she kept asking why the kids could not spend the night I told her everything and that I didn't want her around ANY male. She got all mad and couldn't believe I could think that of my dad, and how bad that was going to hurt her and him if they couldn't see the kids, and how could I do this to them, and she will just DIE if she doesn't get to see her grand babies! :flame: I WAS MAD!!! I could not believe she was more concerned about how it was going to effect her and dad then she was concerned that my DD could have been hurt!! :flame: :Bawling:

At this point I don't know what to do!! I really want to just move away but that is not an option. I just need some advice, has anyone else been thru this?? Sorry if this just rambles.....there has been so much going on and is so jumbled in my brain I just don't know how to get it all out to make sense. :rolleyes:

Should I take her to a councilor? The doctor? My mom thinks I should talk to her (and I have, she says she doesn't know what I am talking about when I ask her if anyone has ever touched her to make her feel uncomfortable) and she will just blurt out who did it or if nothing happened. I am sure if anything has happened she is not going to just come out and tell me, she may not even know what happened.

HELP! :Bawling:
 

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You can't be too careful with kids these days. It won't kill your parents to have supervised visits. Why was DD sleeping with Grandpa instead of Grandma? That doesn't make sense to me.

He smacks your behind, comments on your butt and wants you to model nightwear for him? RED FLAG! RED FLAG! RED FLAG!

Tell them that your DH insists on protecting DD....let's see your dad getting past DH with his flimsy excuses!

Take DD to a counselor. IF your father gets prosecuted because of it, too bad. Her mental health is more important than covering his crimes.
 

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Oh girl, you do have a lot of things to resolve.

First of all, do NOT allow your children to go to your parents. The thought of a kittle girl sleeping with her grandfather gives me the creeps as does a little boy sleeping with his grandmother. This is NOT appropriate. Judging from the reaction you got from your mother, she knows about your father's actions and is covering for him. Let her scream cry and carry on. These are your children and it's your job to protect them.

Yes, get the child into counseling immediately. You and your DH could probably benefit from some too so you can learn how to handle the situation and your feelings of anger.
 

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Please trust your instincts with this. I was molested by my stepfather at a young age and he would do it with other people in the house. He would say I was going to 'comb his hair' and off we would go to the basement where he would molest me. Please, please, please do not worry what your mother or father say, don't allow her to go over there without you and don't let her out of your sight. That said, have you asked her if anyone is touching her in her private area specifically? Though I know I wouldn't have told. I didn't want my stepdad to get in trouble, so pay close attention to her when/if you decide to ask her.
 

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Make every decision based on what is best for your daughter. When anyone dares to question your decisions, simply state, "It concerns my child, I will always make my decisions based on what I believe is best for her."

If your child is/has been molested it is highly possible that the molestor has said something to her to keep her from telling, likely that either she or her parents will be harmed. Perhaps you could get professional advise on how to ask your daughter?

Your father has emotional abused you your entire life, you are an adult now and it's up to you to tell him you will not longer tolerate his abuse and disrespect. As difficult as that is to do - YOU will feel so much better when you stand up to him. It's NOT okay to be a "dirty old man" no matter how sweetly it is done.

You're a parent now, do what your heart tells you is best for your children, and the rest of the world be damned :)

Hugs,
Marlene
 

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Absolutely positively find her a counselor immediately! They are called professionals for a reason - first, they can determine whether something happened a lot easier than you can, even if she doesn't "spill the beans"; second, they know how to get a reluctant child to talk; and third, they can HELP HER.
 

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Ardie/WI said:
Oh girl, you do have a lot of things to resolve.

First of all, do NOT allow your children to go to your parents. The thought of a kittle girl sleeping with her grandfather gives me the creeps as does a little boy sleeping with his grandmother. This is NOT appropriate. Judging from the reaction you got from your mother, she knows about your father's actions and is covering for him. Let her scream cry and carry on. These are your children and it's your job to protect them.

Yes, get the child into counseling immediately. You and your DH could probably benefit from some too so you can learn how to handle the situation and your feelings of anger.
Listen to Ardie.
What I told my daughters even at a younger age then your D was to never be alone with certain people in my family. Sad but they needed to be warned and I was a very hovering mother around these folks to make sure that they were not alone.
 

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Please get some professional help with this! DH is a police officer and deals with this stuff every day. Your instincts are probably right on. Get counselling for you and her, your mother too if she will allow. Go to the police. The predator needs to be stopped, even if it is your father. There may be more victims out there who are suffering in silence.
 

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If you felt a stranger was doing something to your child, you wouldn't hesitate to take your suspicions to the authorities and if your father is abusing your child, I'm sure it weighs heavy on your mind and nobody wants to cause a rift in their family but you must get her into counselling and if she is being abused, she needs to be protected and the best way to protect her is with a conviction. If your mother is involved in any way, she should also be held accountable. It's about the child and nothing else and if someone would interfere with their own child or grandchild, other children are at risk as well. Speak up and save others from your grief and the best way to give yourself and your daughter closure is with justice.
 

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My heart goes out to you and your family. Please don't let your chidren stay with your parents at any time. If they had your childrens welfare at heart they would respect your wishes and do anything you say.
 

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I Would Move!!!!!
 

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Barnyardfun:
First let me start this out with a great big hug for you. This is hard. I have been down this road, and I remember the reeling feeling you get because everything you have known is turned upside down. You are thinking and feeling things that are the stuff of every parent's nightmares. Take a deep breath. Let me tell you about what happened to Devon and then I will tell you what I would do in your situation.

When Devon was 7 years old I started noticing things that didn't make sense. to me. She was scared of things just over night. She wouldn't ride elevators and was terrified of bees. She would have what I call "sick headaches", a bad headache that only ended in her throwing up. She went from being a lively, vivacious child to a scared, angry sullen one. My gut told me that something had happened. I felt that she had been molested. I went to our nurse practitioner who was also a friend. I revealed my fears to her. I said that I thought it was my dad that had hurt her. I came to this conclusion because the only men she had been around were my dh, my dad, my brother and my paternal uncle and my maternal uncle Don. Of all of those, I thought it would have had to have been my dad. The last person I thought it would be was Don. So, our nurse examined Devon and asked her her papa had hurt her and Dev said no. I let it go shortly after that because we couldn't get any response from her. About a year later Devon finally told me it had been Don that had molested her. It rocked my world. I cried and cried and cried. I was so angry and hurt and scared and I felt it was all my fault. Don had had heart surgery the year before and we wanted the kids to spend time with him, so I would let him come take the kids for ice cream and visits to the park. I wanted the time away from the kids. I still struggle with that one.

So once we realized what had happened, I wanted to take Devon to counseling but John didn't. I insisted and we went. Of course the counselor was a mandated reporter and told me that she would be reporting this. I already had an appointment with our local children's advocacy center for the next day. She still had to report it but it looked better for us that we were the ones to initiate the appointment.

We went to the advocacy center, it was made for children. There were games and toys and stuffed animals and t.v.'s and the people there were just wonderful. They had to take Devon into a room to question her. They recorded it via video through a two way mirror and tape recording. The man that questioned her was a special police officer, I was very impressed with him. Once it was all over they came in and told us what happened. The finally brought Don in for questioning but they could never get a confession out of him since he had two strokes in the past year. Of course I am leaving out the emotions in all of this. We were so sad and angry and John was so mad at me for talking to the counselor and at my mom and dad because once we told them what had happened, they didn't believe us and they let Don keep living with them. My mom to this day still does not believe that this happened. She probably never will. So, that is my story. Devon is 16 now and it wasn't until this last winter when Don died that she has finally started to feel safe. If I had it to do over again, I would have probably let her testify so he would have been in prison, but then again... I was deep in the insanity of my family. People that don't grow up on dysfunction don't understand how you can become immune to the oddities. Things that other people thing are odd seem normal to you. Once I broke free of my family, I was able to see the things that through the years were way way dysfunctional. But at the time I couldn't.

This is your time to break free of the dysfunctional behaviour of your family. From what you have written, there are things going on that you know in your heart are wrong. You know what you have to do and you can do it. Someone has to stop the cycle of insanity, and it looks like it will be you and your dh. If it were me, I would call the local child advocacy center in your area and start the ball rolling. I would also make appointments for both individual counseling for your dd, and yourself and also for your whole family. You will be needing it. Be prepared for the backlash from your mom and dad. If they find it is him, they will probably arrest him. Start right now getting ready for this. You can do this! If you have any church family now would be the time to talk to your pastor to let him know what is happening. Let some close friends know too. You will need a support system. It will get harder before it gets easier, but you need to do this for your child. She needs her mommy to protect her now. You can do this. Please feel free to pm me if you want, and I will be praying for all of y'all. Let us know how it turns out.
God bless you and yours
Debbie
 

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Tempting as it is, I think moving away before handling the problem only makes it more confusing, painful and difficult for the girl, and leaves any other children still suffering or still at risk.
 

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Happy Homemaker
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Hears The Water said:
If you have any church family now would be the time to talk to your pastor to let him know what is happening.
WE GO TO THE SAME CHURCH AS MY PARENTS! My parents and the pastors are really good friends......what makes that even weirder is that the pastors wife is my dad's ex wife. They all get along great now! :rolleyes: We have been wanting to go to a different church because my mom has some real control issues and doesn't seem to realize that I am a grown woman and don't need to give her a step by step list of what I did that day if I didn't show up to church! But, that is a whole different issue!

I WISH I COULD MOVE! I would give anything to move! But we live on my DH's families land and we owe on it. We can not sell it (it is land locked and I wouldn't want to do that to DH's dad) and my DH runs a business on his dad's land. I don't work......if just me and the kids moved somewhere I would have to get a job and then the kids would have to go to a daycare......I don't trust anyone with my kids right now. We are homeschooling also, not sure how I could do all that on my own.

URGH! I just don't know what to do! Thank you all for the advice and prayers. Hears The Water, I don't know if I can handle all that you have been thru. I am sure at some point I can summon up the strength but right now it just doesn't feel like I have it in me. :Bawling:

How do I find a councilor?? We have state assistance for insurance if that makes a difference.

I am just so confused, hurt, mad, every feeling possible, and I don't know which way to turn first. My mom is trying to turn all this around to be put on my DH, they don't like my DH (never have) and he doesn't much care for them. My mom is trying to say that my DH is just came up with all of this to turn me against them. She says he is a control freak and this is just his way to get me out of their lives. :rolleyes: She doesn't realize that I have grown up and have figured out that I don't have to take her crap anymore, so I don't. AHHH!! It is a never ended vicious cycle!

Like all of you have said, my DD is the most important thing right now. It doesn't matter if I make anyone mad or step on people's toes. Just like I told my mom when she asked me why I was doing this.....I said I would much rather over react then under react.

So from the things that I told you guys you think something has happened???

Thank you all for being here for me right now. I really needed someone to talk to and you guys are great! THANK YOU!
 

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Thank you Hears The Water for sharing your story and giving courage to so many families that may find themselves in this situation. I would deal with this now for several reasons. She is so young that her memories and the story will get more confused as time goes by. Also, many states have grandparents rights so you need to establish grandpa as the molester BEFORE they decide to fight for weekend visits etc. If you don't keep her away from them, you daughter will assume you condone this behavior and that it's normal. Thus the dysfunction continues and compounds. You can get through this and afterward you will be so glad that you got the help your daughter needs and you stoped this from happening to the next little girl that walks into his spider web.
 

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Look on the insurance card. Is there a number for customer assistance? Check it and see.

If there is a number, ANY number, call it and ask how to get your daughter into counseling. They will probably have a list of approved providers.

By the way, most "Dirty old men" would rather bite their tongue off that let their daughter catch them misbehaving. I would also suspect your Dad.

UNDERSTAND! Your Dad might be innocent. And, at age 5 it is really tricky to ask your daughter what happened without asking her leading questions, and a counselor is TRAINED to do so! Your Father might be innocent, it might be something else, it might be somebody else, it might be a LOT! of things!

A counselor is trained to know the difference.

But, yeah, when your children see your parents, because of your suspicions, you simply must be there. Safety first.
 

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Oh wow this must be so hard on you. I think you've gotten some good advice here. What about taking your dd to the doctor and telling them your concerns? I'm sure they would take it from there and have it investigated. Your first loyalty/concern is for your children and if you think someone is a danger to them then you must keep them away from that person. I was never sexually abused but my mother was physically/verbally abusive to us growing up. when I saw the same things starting to happen to my kids I put a stop to her being around them. Not to mention that I was so tired of still being put down constantly by her. yes i hate it but its what has to be done. and if I ever felt any guilt over it (you know the "oh she'd never hurt her grandkids" thoughts) that was laid to rest last summer when she broke my handicapped sister's wrist by knocking her down while trying to fight her. So take care of your kids. Let dh handle your parents. Dh's tend to be great at doing that whether they like the parents or not.
 

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Go with your instincts. Maybe call your Dr for another appt. and see if they can recommend a counselor, or tell you what steps to take next. You can't exactly go to the police and report it since you don't know (with proof anyway) that something happened.

Try not to act strangely to dd, she will pick up on it and think something is going on, and this could make her decide to never, ever tell.

I will be thinking of you & dd.
 

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I have nothing much to add, there has been some great and heartfelt advise here.
Call the state and ask about counseling, do you have a case worker? She will be able to refer you- or your doctor can.
Be strong for dd and yourself, do not second guess yourself, for the events that led up to this, or the fall-out from it.
Be Strong, we are all praying for your whole family.
 

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My advice:
1) Allow absolutely no contact with your folks unless you or DH are in the room. That means if Grandma goes into the kitchen to make lemonade with DD, you grab DS and follow them.

2) Change churches. The pastor's friendship with your folks will make it hard to be impartial.

3) Counseling for dd and entire family...through insurance, church, social services, whatever. I used to go to one that worked on a sliding scale.

4) Take her to the doc to see if there is any physical evidence of abuse (there is some of the time, but not all of the time).

5) Play therapy can help with figuring out what has happened. If you don't know anything about that, feel free to pm me.

6) I disagree with the poster who said to ask of grandpa had hurt her. If this ever becomes as case that involves social services or the police, any responses would be tossed because they are leading questions. You could ask how she got hurt, what happened, did someone (no names) hurt her, etc.

7) Let go of guilt. You didn't know what was going on. Now you do and can act.

Your mom sounds like an enabler. You cannot trust her to protect the children when she is closing her eyes to reality.

Yeah, your dad is a dirty old man, and no, most dads are not like that.

Yeah, sounds like something has happened, whether it included penetration or not.

In a situation like this, guilty unless proven innocent is a necessary assumption.

Hang in there. My prayers are with you.
 
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