Homesteading Forum banner

1 - 20 of 29 Posts

·
Unreality star
Joined
·
9,894 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I don't want to get into all the bizarre details here, not yet anyway, but I have an issue I need some advice on, if any of you have experienced this situation.

It seems that my children have a new brother. Well, sorta new. From the description, I figure about 9-12 months old. Seems my ex has decided to have a child with someone, out of wedlock (at 50 years old, and its possible that there is another on the way from my son's description of the woman) and was keeping this a secret from everyone. Our son that LIVES with him doesn't even know about it.

The only reason I found out about it was he brought my two youngest to go see their "new brother" when they were down visiting him a couple weeks ago. He instructed them to not tell me (uh, if you want to keep a secret? dont tell a 7 year old). Ive all kinds of problems with him telling them to keep secrets from me, but thats another thread :flame:

Anyway, my dilemma , well two dilemmas really.....

What do I do regarding this baby and my children? Should this baby know his brothers and sister? Should my kids know their new half brother? How can I make that happen, if its something that SHOULD happen? This baby is supposed to be a secret from me, and Im sure the woman has no idea that she and her baby are being kept a secret. Should we all just act like they don't exist? The woman knows at least 2 of my children exist, since he brought them there to visit the baby.

And....I know my ex. I know he is an abusive man, to women and children. I feel torn up knowing that she and the baby will probably go through the same mental torture and physical abuse that me and the kids went through. How do you sleep at night knowing this? :( He is very good at hiding his true colors at first.

He hasnt paid child support since November. He had gone from Easter to a week ago without even a phone call to the kids. He hadn't visited them since February up until a week ago. He said he cant afford child support, cant afford to even pay his bills, but he can afford to have a new baby and possibly another one?

I just dont know what to do here at all? :shrug:
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
16,470 Posts
He is abusive to women AND CHILDREN?

You thank your lucky stars that he is not big at being around your kids! The more distance the better!
 

·
USMC can't fix stupid(s)
Joined
·
2,736 Posts
hmmm, tis a conundrum.
i'd tell the kids and encourage them to love the little guy/gal?
it isn't your problem for them to have a bond or relationship, but it is up to you to acknowledge to the kids the existence of this new one.
nobody can ever afford to have children.... LOL
just stay on the high road, if he starts his old crap with this kid, be prepared to help him/her.
it isn't your responsibility by rights, but since you know how 'dad' is, you will have a keen ear to what is going on.
as to the secrecy, that's his problem, not yours.
if your kids know about the baby, acknowledge it.
babies are special, eh?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,840 Posts
Don't know the whole story, But in my opinion, if he's able to work and won't support his kids, neither would he see them. The example he's showing them is one they don't need or need to be around. "Like father, like Son". Thats my thoughts anyway.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,278 Posts
I'd acknowledge the baby. If you know the lady's address, send a quick note. Then leave it to her to follow up or not.
 

·
writing some wrongs
Joined
·
6,873 Posts
If you were in your childrens' shoes, would you want to know?

Fast-forward ten years, or more...how would you feel if you found out then?

I'd want to know, and I'd be terribly hurt if I didn't. No matter who the baby's mother is, they share a father, and are half-siblings. You can't deny it. You don't personally have to do anything about your childrens' half-sibling besides be forthcoming with the facts as you know them and validate their feelings. Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,775 Posts
As far as the other women living with “the same mental torture and physical abuse that me and the kids went through” – I think that you know that if you tried to warn her that she will not believe you until the relationship she is in has hit the skids. Most that are in these type relationships have to experience it for themselves before they take those “rose colored glasses off” and see the abuse for what it truly is – abuse.

As for how you can sleep at night knowing that it may happen to her too? Pray for her.

JMO
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,398 Posts
I would certainly let the kids be a part of each other's lives, if that is a good situation. Reach out to her, the mother of your kids half brother. Who knows, maybe you two could become friends!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
672 Posts
Shygal said:
.... Our son that LIVES with him doesn't even know about it.

.....And....I know my ex. I know he is an abusive man, to women and children. I feel torn up knowing that she and the baby will probably go through the same mental torture and physical abuse that me and the kids went through. How do you sleep at night knowing this? :( He is very good at hiding his true colors at first.
....
Ok, I'm sorry if this comes off sounding rude, I don't mean it to, but if I'm understanding this correctly, you're worried about this woman and her baby being abused yet your son lives with him? I personally would be a little more concerned about my son. :shrug: Maybe I've misunderstood something there.
Anyway, I think I would leave it up to your ex to decide if your kids should know their little brother (which it seems he has decided that they should), as you'd really have no control over it anyway (unless of course he doesn't have any custody/visitation and/or it's at your discretion) and then don't get in the way of them knowing him. Just my 2 cents. :)
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,544 Posts
I'm curious as to why he wants to keep it a secret?

As far as his relationship with her and their children, I'm sure she already knows and for you to say anything would come off to them both as intruding or attempting to cause contention between them. That will only serve to cause a further division between your families. After all, family is forever; regardless of the situation or acknowledgment.

My thoughts are that you need to have a chat with ex-husband. Let him know it is no longer any of your business what he does with this life, but that it is your business what happens with your children. Ask him if he or his girlfriend would have any objections to babies being a part of your children's life; then just take it one step at a time from there within the confines of what seems best for the all the children.
 

·
AppleJackCreek
Joined
·
3,717 Posts
Let me see if I have the picture straight:

Your ex has a girlfriend, who apparently doesn't live with him. One of your sons does live with the ex, and that boy and his two younger siblings (who live with you?) were recently introduced to the baby.

Assuming I have this right, then Dad has decided it is time for the kids to know about their half sibling. He waited some time, but he did come clean with them, so points for honesty for Dad, I guess, in the "better late than never" category of things.

The kids were told not to tell you, but did anyway. Points to them for realizing that those are not the "good kinds of secrets" that we keep (good secrets are things like what you are giving someone for a present, or that there is a party - and the way to know it is a good secret is that you know exactly WHEN it will no longer be a secret ... in addition to the whole 'it is a fun thing' part, which is generally obvious). So, I would thank your kids for being smart enough to realize that this was not a "good secret" and for telling you.

However, I think I would try not to put them in too much of a difficult spot - if you bring it up with your ex, then you are "ratting the kids out" and telling him that they told you. He might be hard on them. So, just accept the information you have been given, encourage the kids to talk about anything that happens when they are with their dad (no matter what it is) and try to contain your reactions about whatever it is they tell you, so that they always feel safe to tell you what went on.

As far as "encouraging a relationship with the half sibling", well, that really isn't your place, that's Dad's, as he is the shared parent. All you are responsible for is being a good mom to your kids and keeping your house a safe place - especially if Dad sometimes is NOT a safe place. You might reinforce the idea that we always tell someone safe (like you, or their teacher, or some other designated safe person in your world) when we know/believe someone else is being hurt ... so that if they see that the step-family is being harmed (or if by any chance, THEY are harmed), they will know that it is right and proper and safe to speak up.

As for the child support, assuming you have court ordered support, you should have recourse to getting that restarted. If he can't afford to pay, he is supposed to go to court and have his support amount reduced - not stop paying. His reasons for not being able to afford it are not relevant: he's obliged until the court says he isn't. So, contact whoever the agency is that enforces support payments and have them start chasing him. Here, I don't think you even need a lawyer to do that, but it seems to vary widely from one place to the next.

The rest of it falls into the "not your problem" bucket, I think.
 

·
Unreality star
Joined
·
9,894 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
KayJay said:
Ok, I'm sorry if this comes off sounding rude, I don't mean it to, but if I'm understanding this correctly, you're worried about this woman and her baby being abused yet your son lives with him? I personally would be a little more concerned about my son. :shrug: Maybe I've misunderstood something there.
Anyway, I think I would leave it up to your ex to decide if your kids should know their little brother (which it seems he has decided that they should), as you'd really have no control over it anyway (unless of course he doesn't have any custody/visitation and/or it's at your discretion) and then don't get in the way of them knowing him. Just my 2 cents. :)

My son that lives with him is 18 and was court ordered to stay in his custody because he could not leave the state at the time (juvenile probation). My ex wont touch him because my son could wipe the floor with him and he knows it. He only picks on little children and women.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
15,981 Posts
You can't undo what is done. You and your children go out and buy something for the new baby, wrap it and mail it to the mom. At the least, they can learn what the proper procedure is when a person has a new baby. Now that they have a new brother, your children can acknowledge the new brother's birthday and think of him at Christmas. They should not be brought into the grown ups problems and should not be hearing what a louse their father is, they can figure this out on their own.

As to your ex being abusive, if he has a criminal record for domestic violence, and he is violent to this woman or her son, I'm sure the courts can deal with him. Very often, abusive men are not abusive to the second family because they have learned that they can't get away with it, or they are worried the second wife/so will leave him in his old age.
 

·
Love it, or leave it...
Joined
·
402 Posts
I don't really see it as your decision. When the kids grow up and want a relationship with their half sibling, that will be their decision. If your EX wants to introduce them at some point, that is his business. You two are not married any longer, so his new child is really none of your concern. That's not to say you cannot, or should not give a gift as suggested.

If he was an abusive person, you did the best thing by divorcing him. Move on with your life and let him move on with his. Obviously you still require contact with him until your youngest is at least 18, but try to make the contacts positive (for the children's sake).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,007 Posts
It would seem that a lot of people who shouldn't be, are having children.
 
T

·
Guest
Joined
·
0 Posts
So why is he visiting your kids if he doesn't pay child support and is abusive? If they were in CPS custody he wouldn't have visits with them in a supervised setting until he had parenting classes at least. Yet you sent them off to spend unsupervised time with him?


If you know the lady's name and address, send her a nice little gift for the baby from you and the kids. Might want to include a pic of the kids for the baby to have as a keepsake. Ask for one in return. Wish her well and offer to be a support for her. Be the bigger person. It'll also put the ball in her court as to whether or not she wants HER kid to have a relationship with your kids.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,983 Posts
I agree with Tonya take the high ground. My dd was faced with this only the woman was pg when dd's not so dh told her he was leaving. Both the former spouse :1pig: and the woman :1pig: are high on her scum of the earth list but her two boys have been encouraged to be good big brothers to their two half-siblings. She buys gifts for her boys to give to their half-siblings for Christmas and birthdays. She has expressed concern for the children due to both parents meth addiction and once said she would take them to raise if she would not have to deal with :1pig: and :1pig: simply because they are blood relatives of her sons. She even manages to be polite to :1pig: woman but hasn't gotten that far with :1pig: ex due to his neglect of his kids.
 

·
Unreality star
Joined
·
9,894 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
Tonya said:
So why is he visiting your kids if he doesn't pay child support and is abusive? If they were in CPS custody he wouldn't have visits with them in a supervised setting until he had parenting classes at least. Yet you sent them off to spend unsupervised time with him?

Because I HAVE to by law. I dont want to send them down there at all, I am required to by the court, unfortunately.

And I can't send a gift, etc. He would never tell me her name, where she lives, etc. Heck, he didnt even want me to know about it. I dont want to be in his life at all but I have to for the kids.

My concern is that they are getting shoved aside and are afterthoughts, because of the new baby, etc. Plus the way he told them about it, as a big secret, they dont even know what to think about it, but neither of them want to be put in the position of keeping things from me.

Trust me, she is welcome to him. My only concern is my children, and if they should get to know their half brother or if he would even LET them....
 
1 - 20 of 29 Posts
Top