[airotciv]

I have 2 sons and 3, as we call them foster Kids. Our oldest got married a year ago, to a very nice girl with a 6 year old daughter. Well they were married in July and we didn't know about it untill September. Now we will go to Thankgiving, will be there for dinner, the son says, well they did show up 6 hours late. Went to her parents house for dinner. Then we go to X-mas, we will be there to open presents and have dinner. He calls me at 6:00 pm on X-mas eve and says can we come out and can I get our presents, because we won't be out for X-mas, we our going to her parents. Then I get a call to come to the granddaughters birthday party, 6 hours before the brithday party. Well, my other kids new about the party 2 weeks before this. They thought we knew. The day of the party, we all ready had plans, having people over. So my sons says, thats ok, we'll come over and have a party at your house for granddaughter. Run down get cake, and all the fixing, to have son and family not show up. They went to her parents house for a party. I call the next day to find out. I thought my son and I were close, I guess not. Don't know what to think. The other kids can't figure it out. Other than he has become distant to them too, in other ways. Any insight in to this would be appreciated. Thanks

 

[Ruby]

Sounds like something is going on he don't want you to find out. Or his wife is his boss, not his partner.

 

[Ravenlost]

Why don't you ask him?

 

[tinknal]

Sounds like something is going on he don't want you to find out. Or his wife is his boss, not his partner.

I vote for option 2. Your son has become her toy.

 

[Tracy Rimmer]

Don't blame the DIL without some pretty compelling evidence first. You want to do some serious IRREPARABLE damage to your family's relationships, go ahead. But I guarantee you, if you're right, you'll be labelled the bad guy -- and if you're wrong, you'll be the bad guy. Either way -- you lose.

First things first, I'd say call your son, say you want to take him out for breakfast, and talk -- just the two of you. Tell him how you feel when plans are not followed through with -- or how you feel when you show up for plans and they're just NOT THERE, or how you feel when you're not told about things until the last minute. Be as honest as you can possibly be, but stay calm and ask him for an explanation -- use "I" statements, not "YOU" statements. Tell him that what has been happening hurts you, but keep it non-accusatory.

Then sit back and LISTEN to him. You might just find out what's been going on. Good luck.

 

[bumpus]

Remember he has a new and different life to adjust to now and it's not adjusting as quick as you might like.

Bring these things to his attention and see what he says. Maybe he has not even thought of how it is for other because it is all new to him.

Ask questions first, and then listen to help not to harp at him and see if there is a change over time.

bumpus
.

 

[Alice In TX/MO]

What I hear you saying is that he's not communicating with you. What are you doing to communicate with him? I think you need to call him more often to communicate and go to his place to visit at least a couple of times a year.

 

[1GandJ1]

He is his own person to live his life the way he wants to.

He may not see how his decisions effect others and this may take some time.

Don't get mad be patient, just pull expectations back a whole lot as it seems he makes some very hurtfull choices.

Protect your heart the best you can.

You don't know his view of things and I'm sure he has a reason, maybe in time you will be able to find out what they are.

Not telling you of the marriage is the first clue.

Hope you can work things out so you all can be closer.

 

[DenverGirlie]

First things first, I'd say call your son, say you want to take him out for breakfast, and talk -- just the two of you. Tell him how you feel when plans are not followed through with -- or how you feel when you show up for plans and they're just NOT THERE, or how you feel when you're not told about things until the last minute. Be as honest as you can possibly be, but stay calm and ask him for an explanation -- use "I" statements, not "YOU" statements. Tell him that what has been happening hurts you, but keep it non-accusatory.

Then sit back and LISTEN to him. You might just find out what's been going on. Good luck.

Yeah this. Don't be mad, don't blame him. Tell him how you feel. "I feel hurt when..." You are not blaming him, just expalining how you feel. Tell him up front the he is NOT RESPONSIBLE for how YOU feel. You are responsible for your own feelings, but your feelings are hurt when... occurs.

Tell him you love him, and tell him again it's not his fault for your feelings.

 

[Jan Doling]

You may never find out the “why” or “wherefore.” Devote yourself to the other kids for a while….he will eventually realize that if he wants time with you, he needs to meet you half-way.

Some DILs work full time at allienating the in-laws and isolating the new husband. So do not drop out of his life totally. If she is trying to control him, don’t make it easy by giving up on him. Let him know you are there for him and still care.

Send him little emails with interesting bits of news about the family or things he would be interested in or mail him news clippings with post-em notes on your view about that item or cartoon (what is his favorite comic in the funny papers?). Funny cards are also a good way to keep in touch without being too pushy.

Don’t wait for a holiday to contact him, but when you invite him for a get-together, be very specific about the time. If he shows late or doesn’t show, don’t let it get to you, just carry on with the rest of the family as though you hadn’t invited him. Make it a family joke about his new invisibility and no-show status. (“Was Sonny here? It’s hard to tell if he’s left the building or not!”).

 

[turtlehead]

I like what Bumpus had to say.

He's adjusting to a life with a wife and a child and learning to juggle all that.

When he talks to you and says "Yes, we'll be there for Thanksgiving" did both of you agree to a specific time for arrival and meal? If not, and if the DIL's family said "We'll eat promptly at noon" then of course they'd go to DIL's family first and show up at your place for supper/dinner in the evening.

Regarding making plans for Christmas and then changing to Christmas eve, perhaps he found himself overwhelmed with trying to juggle his own Christmas at home with his wife and child, plus Christmas at your house, plus Christmas at his inlaws. It's a lot to manage and he was very likely overwhelmed.

And about the birthday party, when he said "We'll have a party at your house for granddaughter" did you two set a specific date and time? He might have meant "later" and you might have understood "later today".

It sounds to me, based solely on your OP, like your son is overwhelmed with learning to balance all the family commitments and like you are reading concrete commitments into vague "that'd be nice" comments.

 

[Tracy Rimmer]

I just remembered something that my mother once said when faced with a similar situation -- although not nearly so bad:

A son is a son 'til he takes him a wife,
but a daughter's a daughter the rest of her life.

It seemed appropriate

Tracy

 

[Ardie/WI]

I just remembered something that my mother once said when faced with a similar situation -- although not nearly so bad:

A son is a son 'til he takes him a wife,
but a daughter's a daughter the rest of her life.

It seemed appropriate

Tracy

Tracy, I came to this thead to post that exact saying!

But, hasn't anyone else noticed that this DS and DIL are incredabily RUDE!? They both know better, I hope! So...if DIL wants to isolate the DS from his family and he doesn't seem to care one way or another, so be it!

BTW, I had to deal with a DIL like that too and I walked away. The heck with it! Life is too short to have to deal with that nonsense! My DS knows where I am and I just go on with life and fill it with people who really care.

If I were the OP, I wouldn't make any plans or buy any more gifts for these people. And, I'd tell them why ONLY if they ask. I'd concentrate on the rest of my family and fill my life with good friends.

 

[jen74145]

So...if DIL wants to isolate the DS from his family and he doesn't seem to care one way or another, so be it!

I wouldn't be so quick to assume it's HER that causes it; though I don't much care for my MIL, I still encourage DH to call her and remind him of her birthday and such. Yet, I know when we don't go somewhere or something doesn't happen the way she planned it's all MY fault, because of course her own child would never avoid her...

 

[airotciv]

Thanks everyone. My son and I talk a couple times a week on the phone and we see each other usually once a week. He brings the family and we have dinner. As for the marrige, they were out every weekend for dinner, from July to September, but not one word was said. He knew we liked her and her daughter. I have talked to him, about this, and he says nothing is wrong. I have told him I know plans change, so just call, its know big deal. Still no calls, or very last minute calls. My DH says its because I drop everything to cater to the kids and I do, most of the time. But the other kids aren't this way. They at least call me in a timely manner to let me know what is going on. I know this hurts his dad too, since he didn't call or come for dinner on his dads brithday. I guess the son just doesn't want to talk, and I can't force him to let me know what is going on. We have always talked about things, but not now. Just wish I knew what was going on.

 

[AngieM2]

Doesn't she wear a wedding ring, maybe him also?
3 months and not saying anything and being there for dinner sure sounds strange.

Good luck.
Angie

 

[Ardie/WI]

Thanks everyone. My son and I talk a couple times a week on the phone and we see each other usually once a week. He brings the family and we have dinner. As for the marrige, they were out every weekend for dinner, from July to September, but not one word was said. He knew we liked her and her daughter. I have talked to him, about this, and he says nothing is wrong. I have told him I know plans change, so just call, its know big deal. Still no calls, or very last minute calls. My DH says its because I drop everything to cater to the kids and I do, most of the time. But the other kids aren't this way. They at least call me in a timely manner to let me know what is going on. I know this hurts his dad too, since he didn't call or come for dinner on his dads brithday. I guess the son just doesn't want to talk, and I can't force him to let me know what is going on. We have always talked about things, but not now. Just wish I knew what was going on.

Perhaps, you should listen to your DH. This DS sounds like a spoiled little boy and maybe if you ignore him awhile, he'll grow up. Don't allow him to be rude to you either.

If he doesn't want to talk, well, he doesn't want to talk. It might have absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with him needing to get 'away' from you a bit. I always say that kids need to get thrown out of the nest and if they hit the ground, we brush them off and throw them back into the air!

 

[Queen Bee]

ASK HIM what is going on! Point blank. If that had been one of my children I would have called and found out what was going on the first time. The second time I would have asked 'are you going to be there or are you going to leave and go somewhere else??" My children know better than to play games with us.. I would tell him that if he feels torn between his inlaws and spending time with you JUST tell you up front about the problems. My children know that the only holiday, I would be heartbroken about is Christmas Eve.. When they started leaving home, I didn't want them to be torn between families and chose lunch on Christmas Eve as 'my day'.. That way they can spend Christmas with their children and other holidays with inlaws, friends etc...They do come more often but they know they can call and say they can't come with no tears, guilt or hard feelings etc... Good luck.. QB

 

[Jennifer L.]

He doesn't have the right to jerk you around over the holiday dinners. That's just incredibly rude. It sounds to me like everything is centered around her family: That's ok, that's what happens in some marriages, and I imagine you can deal with that, but using you as a throwaway invitation "we'll get to them later"? No.

You need to talk, but you also need to stop issuing invitations if all that happens is they ruin your day. Start having the holiday time with them on the weekend before or after and save yourself some grief.

Jennifer

 

[MarleneS]

I just hate it when I don't get to read a thread until after someone else gives the advise I wish I had given -- great job Tracy and WindinHerHair

Hoping you both, son and mother, can communicate well enough that no one will be left feeling like the bad guy.

Hugs,
Marlene