My wife doesn't share my passion...

Discussion in 'Homesteading Questions' started by virtualco, Dec 15, 2006.

  1. virtualco

    virtualco Zone 10a

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    for homesteading.

    Has anyone experienced having a spouse that was not overly thrilled with the possibility of homesteading? Our plan (should I say my plan?) is to buy a homestead outside of Spfld, MO this summer where two of my children, grandchildren, and mother live. Wife is willing to do six months in MO and six months here in FL but insist we keep the FL home ‘just in case’.
    She’s a RN (she’s 44) and I will be semi-retired (I’m 50) so we can go back and forth working in each state.

    I guess my question is how did you overcome your spouse not sharing your passion to homestead? And has having ‘half a pie’ worked for anyone?

    Thanks for your input. :help:
     
  2. goatlady

    goatlady Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Good luck! She is willing, right now, to meet your dreams by 50%. Boils down to what YOU really desire in your life. Tough choices all around. 2nd wife per chance?
     

  3. Terri

    Terri Singletree & Weight Loss & Permaculture Moderator Staff Member Supporter

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    Winters in Fla and summers in Mo? It could be worse. You will have fresh veggies year-round. It kind of limits your livestock, however.

    OF course, the hunting and fishing in Mo. is VERY good!

    Yes, my DH is a city boy, though we do not move twice a year. We bought a place that had what he valued the most: an easy commute. We took a major road and drove out for the commute that he was willing to make, and we looked in that area. So, we are 1 mile off of a major road.

    Than means that the roads are plowed first, and there are few stop lights.

    So, he goes to work every day, and I do the homesteading stuff. It works for us.
     
  4. ceresone

    ceresone Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Hey, I live south (kinda) of Springfield, Mo. summers in Florida sound good when you're in the middle of a ice storm.
    i would hope, that after she spent awhile in missouri, she wouldnt want to go back to florida--but otherwise sounds as if you've worked out a good compromise.
     
  5. virtualco

    virtualco Zone 10a

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    Thank you, goatlady, terri, ceresone. Your right, it is not a bad compromise. Animals would be out of the questions but gardening I would do.

    And I think that the main road idea has a lot of merit. I like that.

    What I desire is homesteading. My current job that I am retiring from tells me on average that I will live to 59.5 years old and then I die. High stress, some risk. Something about employees choosing bad life choices and bad coping skills. So if this is the case I want to follow my dream. Just a tad selfish I think. :)
     
  6. A.T. Hagan

    A.T. Hagan Guest

    So long as she doesn't actively obstruct your homesteading work be happy with what you've got. There's a lot of folks who can tell you that it could be worse.

    .....Alan.
     
  7. hillsidedigger

    hillsidedigger Well-Known Member

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    When Brenda and I first met about 11 years ago, her gardening involved heavy fertilizer and heavy machinery. I've gradually convinced her of a more low tech and organic approach.

    I still can't get her to either turn down the thermostat or close the windows in the house when the heater turns on.

    But, it was her place, house and 6 acres, now 10, out here in the country that I moved into and as she says 'took over'.
     
  8. 12vman

    12vman Offgridkindaguy

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    Virtualco.. Be thankful that you got 50%!

    I had a very tough decision several years ago on the same issue. A 9 year relationship was ended for me to follow my dream. My decision put me in huge debt with a broken heart but I survived..

    She had no desire to "Live like That".. Whatever that means.. But, It was my passion! I owned this place and we rented where we were. She never gave me a chance to prove anything.. Just a flat out "NO"!

    Maybe time will change her attitude when she sees your love of your dream..
     
  9. turtlehead

    turtlehead Well-Known Member

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    I think it's a good compromise.

    A big move and a change of lifestyle are both big stressors to some folks and you're asking your wife to do both at the same time.

    Keeping the FL home "just in case" will help ease her stress and make the adjustment go more smoothly. She won't feel so cornered and panicky if she has an out.

    If you can afford both places, I think you should definitely do this! When she's ready to retire she may decide that MO is a good idea year round.
     
  10. debra in ks

    debra in ks Well-Known Member

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    When I was dating the ex he was very happy with the idea of homesteading. Said and did all the right things. Shortly after we got married that changed. He was happy for ME to do everything around here. He'd mow sometimes and plant a few plants, but virtually nothing else. That is one of the reasons he is the EX! (That and he wanted a girlfriend too!) Things have worked out though. This place was mine to start with and it will be paid off next month!! I'm nearly debt free and he's in debt up to his eyeballs over the house he bought to share with the girlfriend. LOL
     
  11. Rita

    Rita Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I think it would work if you realize that you will have to do everything related to homesteading and that you can never feel resentful that she can't/won't help because that would lead to problems. It's so much nicer if both people work together as partners but you take what works. Rita
     
  12. dezeeuwgoats

    dezeeuwgoats Well-Known Member

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    You never know, the lifestyle might 'grow' on her after awhile. Sounds like she's willing to meet you halfway at least. Pigs are a six month project. Maybe, if you want livestock - you could buy yourself a stock trailer - so the stock can move with you! A couple goats, a few dog crates of chickens.......but I'm getting ahead of myself - THAT would recquire an acre or so to come home to in Florida, lol. Can you tell that 'homesteading' to me recquires animals? lol

    Home-grown food is so amazing compared to store-bought. That's what converted my husband to raising some animals. (lol - current count 18 dairy goats, four horses, three pigs, a dozen chickens - twelve chicks on the way), four barn cats, and an LGD. Now, we are selling the horses so two of them don't 'count'.

    Unplugging from modern life/culture can be eye-opening. She may try it and really like it. On the other hand - maybe you'll both hate it! At least you'll get your chance. My techno junkie husband whined and gave in (to try) cutting off satellite tv - now he is the one that is hard-nosed about never having it again......

    I'd concentrate on being grateful that she's willing to try, and open to allowing your dream consume six months of HER life. You lovely attitude towards her, PLUS the posatives of your new lifestyle just might convince her that this is the road for both of you.

    Babysteps, remember, babysteps! It's working for me. Oh, and also - encourage her to also pursue her dreams......anything she's got in the back of her mind, that would open up with a move like this?

    Niki
     
  13. donsgal

    donsgal Nohoa Homestead

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    I love Florida too, but I wouldn't want to live there, even in the Winter. Missouri is very beautiful and the people are (for the most part) friendly. The cost of living is much lower and so are real estate prices.

    Hopefully, once she gets here and realizes all that she'll fall in love with Missouri.

    Donsgal
     
  14. bill not in oh

    bill not in oh Well-Known Member

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    Let me think about thisOK I have. Summers in Mo / winter in Fl - life is good!
     
  15. virtualco

    virtualco Zone 10a

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    Thank you all for your replies. There is a lot of wisdom on this board judging by the responses I've received.

    I have learned that animals can be doable in a six month block of time, to give us both time to adjust to this new situation, that compromise is a good thing, and to take baby steps so not to overwhelm. I need to remember to be grateful that she's willing to try, while encouraging her to also pursue her dreams. I will also understand that this will be stressful for both of us.

    Sounds kinda like a Boy Scout pledge. :)

    Wow, you guys are GREAT!
     
  16. PinkBat

    PinkBat Well-Known Member

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    Hopefully your wife will come to enjoy the homesteading lifestyle. Animals will be a problem though.
    But why don't people discuss their future dreams and goals BEFORE they get married. That way you can see if you're both on the same wavelength and avoid potential disappointments.
     
  17. virtualco

    virtualco Zone 10a

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    Good point PinkBat. I really didn't know what I wanted when I got married.

    I think it was just before y2k that the idea of being more self sufficient sounded like the thing to do. That maybe having less was better than more. I like having food stored and can cook with basics. And I am especially fond of the idea of homesteading.

    Yes, PinkBat it is best to discuse life goals and dreams before marriage so both can be on same wavelength and avoid potential disappointments.

    I am playing catch up...
     
  18. A.T. Hagan

    A.T. Hagan Guest

    Sounds like now is the time then for you two to sit down together and have a real heart-to-heart to see what compromises can be worked out. She may be feeling like you're trying to change the nature of the understanding the two of you reached when you agreed to marry.

    .....Alan.
     
  19. Shadow

    Shadow Well-Known Member

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    My first wife was a city gal, she still is
     
  20. myheaven

    myheaven Well-Known Member Supporter

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    My husband wasnt so hot on the whole homesteading thing. I let him play with all the heavy equipment and get him lots of tools and hes very happy. He is even in love with the pigs.
    He was sooooo against pigs. To him "they stink there so dirty" so i got only 2 and said lets just see how these two go. Well I was able to show him pigs love to be clean and if you let them have enough space they wont stink. Plus the meat was just increadable. Now there is the profet side. He sees so many people want my veggies eggs and meat now he sees he can work less and play more with the tractors.

    Find some thing shes in love with and get it for her at the new land. Cute and cuddley seems to go over nice. Show her she can breed said cute cuddle animal and make money. she may never want to go back due to having to give up said animal.
    Dh never wants to give up his "tools" aka toys. Hes happy.
    Good luck