My heart is broken

Discussion in 'Countryside Families' started by Wilbursmommy, Dec 14, 2006.

  1. Wilbursmommy

    Wilbursmommy Well-Known Member

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    We just found out last night that our 16 yr old DD is pregnant. We didn't even know she had a boyfriend. She wants to marry him, like we're gonna let that happen! We haven't even met him. All we know is his name and age-nothing else! Thank the Lord, the underage marriage laws in Georgia changed on July 1, 2006. Now, it doesn't matter if you're pregnant, you still have to have a parents consent. I'm just afraid they may try to go to another state. We are meeting him tonight. Please pray I don't kill him with my bare hands!
     
  2. Melissa

    Melissa member

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    I am sorry. It will be very difficult for the entire family, but what's done is done. Now is the time to pull together and be supportive. You can turn this into something positive even though it does not seem so at this point.
     

  3. tcboweevil

    tcboweevil Well-Known Member

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    I know that you don't want to let it happen, but that baby deserves 2 parents. Why not let them marry, get them into counseling so they can learn about the marriage commitment and the hard work it takes to make a marriage work. Tell them its not about their "feelings" of being in love. It is their choice to love each other and to treat each other with love from now on. Then get them into parentinc classes so they can learn how to teach their child with love and consistency, not the ever changing emotional love. They really could have a shot at building a life long commitment to each other and their child. If you raise the baby for them, then you are letting them out the easy way. There are consequenses for every action. They are going to be parents regaurdless of what happens next, why not prepare them, teach them guide them, so they can be the best for each other and their new baby. You've got 9 months, rest in GODS love that HE can turn this into good, prepare them for their future together, and pray and cry and hope for the best. lots of love, theresa
     
  4. blue gecko

    blue gecko Well-Known Member

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    Life can really through your curves can't it. As hard as it might be try to keep an open mind and a cool head. If the situation degrades into an angry mess you may regret it forever. It's ok to be honest about your feelings and to listen to their feelings too. The hard facts need to be discussed: how are they going to pay for the medical expenses, does he have a job, does she have a job, will she finish high school, where are they going to live? You may want to make a list so you can cover it and their options. Big Hug to you sweetie, keep your chin up! B
     
  5. Wilbursmommy

    Wilbursmommy Well-Known Member

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    Well, for one we know nothing about him. My DD doesn't even have a learner's permit.(Trust issues we were working on) She got a puppy in Oct. we have to hound her to take care of. (Puppy is going back to shelter) She is just a child herself. Problem is, she doesn't look like one. She could pass for 18-20. This guy is 20 and DD told us last night that he recently recovered from some kind of cancer. We don't know what kind. I'm just so upset. She had planned to go to culinary arts school after graduation. Don't see how she will be able to do that now.
     
  6. Terri

    Terri Singletree & Weight Loss & Permaculture Moderator Staff Member Supporter

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    She has chosen a good young man to fall for: He is trying to take responsibility instead of running in fear. He is acting maturely.

    You understand, I am NOT suggesting that you allow them to marry! He might be mature and responsible FOR HIS AGE, but there is nothing like the EXPERIENCE of middle age! I am simply saying that he is taking responsibility well. Whether or not you should ALLOW him to is another matter!!!!!!!!!

    I am praying for a clear head for you all.
     
  7. Tricky Grama

    Tricky Grama Well-Known Member

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    Willbursmommy-

    I am so sorry. This could have happened to any one of us. (both when WE were that age or as parents of teens)

    No one has said anything about adoption. Every child deserves 2 loving MATURE parents!! 'Allowing' them to marry will result in disaster. Well, 90% of the time. You hear all the time about couples desparate to adopt.

    Give this child a chance.

    Patty
     
  8. BaronsMom

    BaronsMom Well-Known Member

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    My sister had a baby at 17 and thankfully she gave the baby up for adoption and did not get married. The child had a far better life then being raised with two kids who were not ready to be parents.

    This summer, my sister's child found her and they met briefly. Sis said it was good to know she did the right thing by the baby and although initially the decision was difficult, it was for the best. The "baby" - now a young woman, was successful, had a great life with wonderful caring parents and a family of her own.

    Adoption is an option.
     
  9. mpillow

    mpillow Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Well I'm thinking adoption or abortion and a chastity belt....and no public school...or free time.

    She wont even care for a puppy... :shrug:

    BTW it takes two to tango....use your bare hands on DD first...I know I would.

    Its an awful position for all involved, I hope you can see things thru.

    And I'm sorry for those who dont think abortion is okay....I did list adoption first.
     
  10. Irene texas

    Irene texas Well-Known Member

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    My daughter got pregnant in her Senior year of high school back in the late fifties. She had the baby, a beautiful baby boy, We helped her raise him. She went on and became a nurse and married a fine man. Then we had our grandson through the summer months. He is grown now with Children of his own. That baby born out of wedlock from a one night stand, was the greatest gift from heaven we ever got. We love our grown grandson and his babies. I wouldn't have missed that for nothing. I hope I have helped. Irene
     
  11. crashy

    crashy chickaholic goddess

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    As a mom.....Why is a 20 yr old man sleeping w/ a 16 yr. old child???? Do they really love each other? I would be grilling BOTH of them.
    Now my life......I know your DD is young but my mom had just truned 16 when I was born. Yes I am the product of back seat lovin!! LOL
    My dad was 19. And I will be happy to report to you after 44 years they are still married.
    By the time she was 21 she had a total of 4 children. She still went to school and became a teacher.
    So I guess what I am trying to say is this may work out for her. If they truly are in love and want to be together.
    I know this is going to be tough I am not sure what to say but, if you fight with them she will run to him for sure. Try to keep a level head and don't rush them into a decision. I hope all turns out for the best.
    After all I turned out ok!!! LOL
    Good luck!!
     
  12. MarleneS

    MarleneS Well-Known Member

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    Sorry for your ordeal. First thing is to wrap you mind around the frutality of asking yourself why this happened, and instead of around what is the best answer for the child that has had no say so whatsoever.

    Your daughter needs to know as soon as possible, what and how much help you and your husband are willing to extend to her. BE HONEST and stick with your conclusions.

    This day is the first day to the rest of your life with your daughter, your grandchild and the grandchilds father no matter what relationship your daughter decides to have with him. Anything you say or do from this point forward should be in the best interest of that baby, I'd vote for a good relationship with it's parents, not for their sake or your sake but for the baby's sake.

    That should be first and foremost in everyone's minds - WHAT IS BEST FOR THE BABY. Can't go wrong that way :)

    Hugs
    Marlene
     
  13. Wildwood Flower

    Wildwood Flower Halfway, OR & Wagoner, OK

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    I don't know, but my instinct is that I would try to support the young couple to make their own decision. I know it's hard. But it's a decision that they need to make theirselves because they're the ones who will have to live with it.

    I know they're young, but they can grow up fast, if they have to.

    Times have changed. I always think of my Mother and Father-in-law. They snuck off and got married when they were 15, went back to school and didn't tell anybody until later. They were married for 60 years, and were still like sweethearts to each other.

    Attitude is everything.
     
  14. Loveourkids3

    Loveourkids3 Well-Known Member

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    I'm very sorry. I can't imagine how you must feel right now. I just want to let you know that there can be happy endings. My stepsister got pregnant at 12 or 13. She and the father married a few years later. They now have 4 children and are foster parents. They have a beautiful home and family together even though the odds were stacked against them.
    I have never been where you are at right now my kids aren't that old. The only advice I will offer is help them with formal education and life skills. I wasn't much older than your DD when I had my DD and had neither of those. When you are that young there are no consequences and a week seems like forever. It will prob. take DD falling flat on her face, being completely overwhelmed, and scared to death before she figures out that she needs to listen to you. I will keep your family in my prayers.
     
  15. Sharon in NY

    Sharon in NY Well-Known Member

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    I hope you will forgive me for being blunt, but your chance to handle this by heavy parental authority ended when she became pregnant. Don't misunderstand me - I both sympathize and am not blaming you. But your daughter has already made a set of adult choices - she's had sex, entered into a relationship, and gotten pregnant. So even if she's not ready, the decisions to come are hers - you've proven you cannot stop her from doing stupid things, and if she's going ever be a functioning adult parent, she has to start acting and being treated (however painfully) as an adult. I suspect there's hope - she came clean, and talked to you, which must have been difficult, and the young man wants to marry her, which is both mature and honorable.

    You have said what she won't be doing (let's be honest, if she wants to run off and get married, she will), but how about what do you want, other than to have the pregnancy magically go away? Would you rather she be an out-of-wedlock mother? Give the baby up for adoption? Have an abortion? And what does she want? I am not asking you whether you think she's mature enough to decide - she gets to decide, regardless. You cannot force her into any of these choices, and if you pressure her, she will withdraw further from you.

    If I were you, I would 1. Get the young man over to your house pronto, ideally with his parents, if they are involved in your life. Whatever the decision, you all need to talk. I would try very hard to get to know this young man, and also to get along with him. You may not know him, but whatever else you think, he is going to be your grandchild's father, and that's an important relationship. Do not burn any bridges. 2. I would discuss issues of responsibility in very blunt terms. Your daughter will need your help. But she has already stepped out on her own, and having become a parent, she is now responsible for her choices. You will help her do what she chooses, but the primary responsibility for her choices is her. You, for example, might offer to help her stay in school (if this is feasible for you) by doing childcare, but you will expect her to do all the other childcare and household work. Make it clear that many kinds of freedom end at the door to parenthood.

    The same is true with adoption - make it clear that you will support their choices to the extent you reasonably can, but they are *responsible* for the consequences of their actions. If, however, they both mutually agree to adoption, and she chooses to agree to abide by your rules, for real, she can then again come under the comfort of you being in charge, and her not having much in the way of responsibility.

    It sounds like this young woman needs lots of love and support, but also a good dose of taking responsibility for her actions.

    Now here's the nicer part - even though this is not what you would have chosen for your daughter, if you keep the baby, it will be a blessing for you, a gift of joy and love. Often these things turn out much better than expected. In fact, don't forget that this young man may also turn out to be a blessing in your life. Sometimes disaster and heartbreak ends up well on the other end.

    Two of my cousins became pregnant in their teens - one married at 17, and she and her husband (who was four years older) are happily married and have two daughters, and have a successful life 12 years later. Another did not marry, but he and his ex-girlfriend are raising a beautiful, wonderful child together who is the light of everyone's (including the grandparents) life, and everyone holds down jobs and does very well.

    Sharon
     
  16. cowgirlracer

    cowgirlracer Well-Known Member

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    If there were no exceptions, there would be no rules. My sil "had to get married." Some said it would not last. They turned out right, I think. After three live births, interspersed with several miscarriages, sil had a family. The "love child" holds a doctorate in Divinity and has been in the ministry for going on 25 years. The others are degreed, married and parenting.

    SIL's shotgun marriage lasted only 40 years before the doomsayers were proven correct.

    Now. The bad news. when a teenaged daughter becomes sexually active, she will never again be a virgin. She will stay sexually active. Some, who somehow get married, remain sexually active in a monogamous relationship. Those who do not marry, will simply remain sexually active. Choose one of the above.
     
  17. Zipporah

    Zipporah Well-Known Member

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    Ditto
    I'm sorry you are hurting.I know it is hard to believe right now,but I truly believe babies are blessing from the Almighty..ALL BABIES...even those unplanned.The hardest part of being a parent is letting go and letting our children make their own decisions and their own mistakes.What is done is done.I imagine she is frighten silly.Be careful not to react out of your pain in anger.It is painful to watch our dreams for our children not be fulfilled the way we want them to,but it's not the end of the world.She is alive.I'd let them decide their future and I'd enjoy my new grandchild.Life is too short.
     
  18. Helena

    Helena Well-Known Member

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    Many of us have been through the same situation in one way or another in our lives. Sometimes God timing is not our timing..especially for our children. I agree..the young man is at least willing to speak with you and not leaving your daughter alone. Marriage is something you can discuss when all of you have a clear mind. It doesn't need to be decided tonight. Plans can come a later time. I would be very thankful that my daughter wasn't coming to me saying she had an abortion..that is my personal thoughts here. Then I would be crushed beyond belief. Your daughter and boyfriend have done nothing more than any of us have in the past. Maybe at a different time in our lives..we are all humans..even at 16..even if they have been brought up "right"..we all have the same thoughts and desires. It is the disappointment as a parent that we feel more than anything. But all things can turn out to be positive if all of you work together. School can still be in her future. But..even with or without marriage I would not turn into her full time baby sitter. She will raise this baby..not you. Staying with you or living on her own. As long as the baby is cared for and loved..you are his or her's grandparents..she is the mother. When this all sinks in and all of you have been able to talk things out and make plans..please realize that a baby is a wonderful gift..even if we see it as.."the wrong time"..in life for her. How truly blessed you are to be able to live "this long" to see your grandchildren grow up. I am soon to be a great-grandmother.. :baby04: ..Grandson is 20..seems to young even at this age..but I do feel truly blessed to be able to know my great grand child. Do not allow other people to make you feel ashamed of this situation either. What skeltons are in their closet ?? We are not responsible for what other people do...you are and still are good parents in giving your support when these young adults need it the most. Now is the time to pull together as a family and provide love not only to this baby but to your daughter too. It is her future than has reach a "bump in the road. This temporary situations will pass in time and she will be back on the road to a successful future !! Family and friends will understand and if not...they are not truly friends. A lot of tears will come the next few days..but please..just know that you are truly blessed..you will soon realize that.. Let us know how things go..Believe me..the sun will shine tomorrow..brighter than you realize today !!
     
  19. Fae

    Fae Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I got pregnant at 16, married and had 2 more children. There have been some really rocky times in my marriage just as there are in most marriages. My marriage has lasted 39 years. Children are always a blessing from God and I am another person who does not think abortion is an option. My youngest daughter got pregnant at 16, married and got a divorce after 10 years and another child. A lot of people who marry when they are older and are not pregnant still get a divorce. You and your family will be in my prayers and I wish you the best.
     
  20. frogmammy

    frogmammy Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Lots of advice offered, so I'll try to keep mine short...

    Let her see you cry...cry for what could have been or should have been, cry for her lost childhood...but let her see you cry.

    And when you meet the boy, just remember, it took BOTH of them.

    Mon