Homesteading Forum banner

1 - 20 of 63 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
627 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I have a daughter who just is not very feminine. She does have four older brothers, and they rough house with he like she is one of them. Her sisters are too old for her to 'hang out' with, and have kids of their own...but she is starting to just be so boyish it is bothering me! I have mentioned how her dress and posturing bother me...but some family members say that I am making a big deal out of nothing. I guess this is bothering me because we lived next to two lesbians who asked(I don't know what possessed them)her if she was gay. That has been over a year ago..and it still bothers me...especially when I hear that gay people use their 'gaydar', and can tell if someone is gay.

I do not consider myself homophobic...but I do know I tolerate it in men more so than females...so should I be worried...and at what age do girls outgrow this?? She did get excited once when this boy called her a couple of times...but she hates dresses...loves pants and her borothers' clothing...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,124 Posts
My only daughter is a tomboy. It's really hard to get her to wear a dress, and one of her favorite things for a while was to wear black, all black. She is almost 9.

I would just try to accept her and love her for what she is. It isn't like you can change her identity and if she is gay and you manage to force her to be more feminine, it will only alienate you from her, especially as she gets older. I have one that I suspect could be gay/bi. I suppose time will tell, but I worry, because the people around here can be pretty nasty and homophobic. Whatever he is, I'll love him and he'll always be my son.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
627 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
I guess because I loved clothes so much as a girl...it bothers me that she could not care less! I have a very strong masculine kinds face...and she looks exactly like her dad...strong face also. When I used to wear a 'fro (back in the day) I was always mistaken for a man...made me dress like a girl with a quickness. She says she wants to get her hair done and stuff for her first day of high school...but when we went window shopping...she was oggling a pair of camaflouge cargo pants...not what I had in mind! :grump:
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,751 Posts
Our girls were tom-boys. They hated dresses, loved sports,loved getting dirty, had many more male friends than female, walked and sat very un-ladylike. I think around the age of 14-15(our oldest was 19) they started fixing their hair, wanted nice clothes (but still weren't dresses). They all turned out just fine but still are not into dresses or lots of make up--Slacks, blouse, headband or pony-tail w/ ribbon , lip gloss and mascara and they are 'dressed up'! They are in their 30's and still play tennis, softball, basketball, run, go to the gym daily, they fish, love the water and they are as competitive as their husbands,dad and the brothers are. Just not your everyday girlie girls!!
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
19,224 Posts
vickiesmom, I think you've watched one too many episodes of Will & Grace. There really isn't such a thing as gadar or the gay mafia. I would assume that your daughter is a tomboy but if she did happen to be gay, how would that change your relationship with her?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,289 Posts
I used to be a tomboy and still am in a way. I have always preferred to do guy stuff and even today don't have any female friends. My mother forced me into dresses to go visit grandma on Sundays.....oh the glorious evenings when I got to rip them off and get back into my slouchy clothes. Purses or make-up.....you couldn't have forced me into that. I also ran around acting tough.

To a certain extent I outgrew this in my 30s...meaning, I'll now wear a dress out of my own free will, when the occasion warrants it.....and I even wear a bit of make-up on my eyes....still hate lipstick and nail polish.

And to ease your mind.....I like hairy men....lol.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
627 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Phew! I feel better. She has this big crush on Johnny Depp...so I didn't think she was gay...but after those lesbians asked her that...I think I started wondering. She probably just isn't feminine and I will have to live with it. One of her sisters was just the opposite...love frilly dresses...frilly socks..etc. But between her and the baby there are four boys...I've kind of forgotten the girl thing...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,388 Posts
vickiesmom said:
I guess this is bothering me because we lived next to two lesbians who asked(I don't know what possessed them)her if she was gay. That has been over a year ago..and it still bothers me...
I think *this* is the problem, not that she's a tomboy.

Find out why it bothers you that she might be gay, and deal with that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
627 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
If I had to be honest...and I get in trouble on this board because I can be terribly honest...I think it would change my relationship with her...probably not her in general...but I would never be comfortable with any person she would bring home...in fact, If any of my kids were gay, they would always be welcome to come home...but not their significant others.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,553 Posts
I'm with the others who say no matter what lifestyle your daughter chooses to live you will do best to help her learn to celebrate who she is. This does not mean that you should never tell her you would love to see her in a dress and high heels, with her hair done and makeup (some might find that not a great choice either, right?), it simply means what you daughter needs to receive from you more then anything is acceptence. It's a parents job to make their child feel great about who they are - not the opposite - no matter how much the parent may wish for something more to their personal taste.

And you didn't say how old your daughter is, I've noticed a lot of teenage and younger girls, and sometimes 20 somethings in camo.

What did she tell the neighbors when they asked? :)

Hugs,
Marlene
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
23,929 Posts
DRESSES!!!! gag! Yuck! Oh how I hated my elementary schools dress code because we had to wear dresses. I still prefer jeans and a t-shirt. Nothing makes me happier than wandering through the woods and fishing. I do minor mechanical work on my van/car. I can operate power tools. I am helping dh rebuild the house we just bought and remodel our house. I even set up the duck pens (with help from the kids) and fenced the garden myself. I even enjoy rock-hounding a whole lot. I prefer reptiles and insects over home decorating and shopping. I am not a lesbian even though I fit no ones definition of being girly. I do fuss over my hair and will get upset if I break a nail (so why do I dig in the dirt with my bare hands???) I like men with muscles and have been know to stop what I am doing to watch a well built man work. And I think Vin Diesel is HOT!!!

Don't worry about her, she will turn out fine as long as she knows you love her no matter what. I would be more upset with the "ladies" asking a child about her sexual orientation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
627 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
She was shocked! She came to me and said "Mom...the ladies next door were at the mail box, and they said they had seen me going to the school bus and wondered if I was gay". Then she said..."Do I look gay"? How do you answer that...because in my mind...and I am of the age where I remember lesbians being called dykes...they wore those ugly plaid pants...and they looked like chubby boys. I told her she dressed like a boy, so that was probably why they asked. I did confront them about it...and they apologized...but it has always stuck in my mind.

Maybe I am paranoid...because when she got two cats I thought.."uh oh".... I know this sounds so stupid...but I wouldn't bring it up if it didn't bother me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,388 Posts
That was a brave thing to say. Honesty is not always easy.

I have a cousin who married a MUCH older man. Older than her dad.

When my uncle found out his daughter was seriously dating the older man, he hit the roof. Wouldn't speak to the man. Almost quit speaking to his daughter. The man definitely was not welcome in my uncle's home.

Then of course they met from time to time on neutral ground. His daughter would be in town and they'd meet for lunch or something. This took considerable effort from my uncle, and I give him lots of credit for being willing even to look at the man without punching him.

Well, it turns out the man really is a wonderful guy. A real catch. My uncle slowly got to know him, and began to like him. Now they golf together and are great pals.

I understand your concerns. Seems to me like you're very worried over something that may not ever come to pass.

And if it DOES come to pass, you deal with it as gracefully as you can. Let your daughter know that you have a problem with it, and that while you love your daughter, her SO is not welcome in your home because it's too stressful for you.

It may alienate your daughter from you for a while. But if you make an effort to meet for lunch, or see a movie with the both of them, the tension will slowly fade. You may end up thinking you'd rather see your daughter with a great gal than an abusive guy. :shrug:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,001 Posts
I wouldnt worry to much I was and still am a tomboy but there is no way I could ever be interested in any thing other than a man. I still dont care for dresses but I love silk and lace.My grandpa raised me and taught me that a womans place is in the kitchen and I believe it however I can still help my hubby work on the car,muck out the barn etc. It will just help your daughter become a well rounded individual. Not to mention my son thinks Im a really cool mom I took him fishing his first time,4 wheeling,for his first tractor ride,hunting. I got him his first hunting dog ect. When he has questions about fixing a lawn mower ect hes asks me to help.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
627 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
turtlehead said:
That was a brave thing to say. Honesty is not always easy.

I have a cousin who married a MUCH older man. Older than her dad.

When my uncle found out his daughter was seriously dating the older man, he hit the roof. Wouldn't speak to the man. Almost quit speaking to his daughter. The man definitely was not welcome in my uncle's home.

Then of course they met from time to time on neutral ground. His daughter would be in town and they'd meet for lunch or something. This took considerable effort from my uncle, and I give him lots of credit for being willing even to look at the man without punching him.

Well, it turns out the man really is a wonderful guy. A real catch. My uncle slowly got to know him, and began to like him. Now they golf together and are great pals.

I understand your concerns. Seems to me like you're very worried over something that may not ever come to pass.

And if it DOES come to pass, you deal with it as gracefully as you can. Let your daughter know that you have a problem with it, and that while you love your daughter, her SO is not welcome in your home because it's too stressful for you.

It may alienate your daughter from you for a while. But if you make an effort to meet for lunch, or see a movie with the both of them, the tension will slowly fade. You may end up thinking you'd rather see your daughter with a great gal than an abusive guy. :shrug:

That brings up another thing...my eldest daughter I always assumed was gay and has confided to everyone except me that she is bi...but she married a man and has a male boyfriend now. They are both losers...I'd rather she would go off with a woman of substance than keep dragging home losers. If she walked up to me now and said she has a female lover I would not be surprised or upset...but...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,476 Posts
vickiesmom said:
Maybe I am paranoid...because when she got two cats I thought.."uh oh".... I know this sounds so stupid...but I wouldn't bring it up if it didn't bother me.
Straight girls like cats, too. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
627 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
Danaus29 said:
DRESSES!!!! gag! Yuck! Oh how I hated my elementary schools dress code because we had to wear dresses. I still prefer jeans and a t-shirt. Nothing makes me happier than wandering through the woods and fishing. I do minor mechanical work on my van/car. I can operate power tools. I am helping dh rebuild the house we just bought and remodel our house. I even set up the duck pens (with help from the kids) and fenced the garden myself. I even enjoy rock-hounding a whole lot. I prefer reptiles and insects over home decorating and shopping. I am not a lesbian even though I fit no ones definition of being girly. I do fuss over my hair and will get upset if I break a nail (so why do I dig in the dirt with my bare hands???) I like men with muscles and have been know to stop what I am doing to watch a well built man work. And I think Vin Diesel is HOT!!!

Don't worry about her, she will turn out fine as long as she knows you love her no matter what. I would be more upset with the "ladies" asking a child about her sexual orientation.
Your post has made me feel a lot better...because you sound just like her! She has a very scientific mind...maybe it was the way I was brought up. The lines were drawn between what girls did and did not do. Anything even slightly over that line...people started looking at you strangely...so I was very aware of what was 'being a girl' and what was not. Now it all seems rather gray...or maybe it always has been...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
627 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
Bink said:
Straight girls like cats, too. :)
Isn't that crazy?? But, again, in my mind...women with cats are spinsters who alway have a 'friend' living with them...you know..the two old spinster ladies with a house full of cats...I know you guys think I am crazy...but I am sitting here boo hooing over the fact that my daughter likes cats...it must be time for my period or something...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,124 Posts
Well, if it helps at all, my step-daughter is bi or lesbian. She wore lots of dresses and still does, although she's equally comfortable in cargo pants. She was fairly feminine and had a lot of female friends, and even dated a few guys and was with one of them for a few years...but...I could see that even thoguh he adored her, there was no real passion in it from her side. She liked him and enjoyed his company, but I could see that she didn't love him.

I was homophobic before then. She educated me and forced me to overcome my prejudices, even to the point of bringing me a nice coffee table book about gay couples. She was extremely patient and long suffering with me and my thick head. :rolleyes: Her dad still doesn't get it and probably never will. Heck, as long as she's happy.... I would much rather see her with a girl that she really loves, to see her really happy, than trying to make it work with a guy just to please other people.
 

·
bunny slave
Joined
·
4,389 Posts
chamoisee said:
I would much rather see her with a girl that she really loves, to see her really happy, than trying to make it work with a guy just to please other people.
That's a good question for any parent to ask themselves...would you rather see your child happy being who they are, or would you rather they pretend to be something they're not in order to make your own life more comfortable?
 
1 - 20 of 63 Posts
Top