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CF, Classroom & Books Mod
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Within your family network, do you have a family where the very nice, very personable, well-liked mother is a pariah to her children's behavior? If so, how do you deal with this situation?

Say someone is very well liked within the community, but her children are so totally out of control that one cannot trust them alone with each other, much less with children from other families, and that the behavior is now spilling over onto how they treat ADULTS as well.

I am struggling with a situation right now that I don't quite know how to deal with -- I see the solution -- actually, I see several solutions -- but after having been asked my advice in past and knowing full well that it, and the advice of others, even the advice of medical professionals, hasn't been acted on, and watching as the situation continues to worsen, I'm a bit lost -- and confused as to why advice continues to be sought when there doesn't seem to be any intention of following it.

Tracy
 

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I would limit contact with my kids and hers. When they had to be together I would make sure they were constantly supervised by me. I would talk to my kids about the situation and make sure they knew they had to be in my line of vision when we were around that family. The limiting contact should be enough to send a message to the mother.
 

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Is Dad around too? Are they both singing from the same hymn sheet when it comes to discipline etc. ?

hoggie
 

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Tracy - you said the other children are being disrespectful to adults now. I'm guessing you? or some other adult other than their parent.

If it's you, you'll have to set your own boundries that they don't cross. When I worked at the ice rink, some kids would talk like dogs to their parents and tried it with me - but I had to firmly let them know, that they don't talk to me in that manner. Sometimes you just have to be stern.

And if the Mom knows and doesn't do something, I too, would wonder about how the Mom and Dad agree or disagree on the discipline and other upbringing issues.

Angie
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Dad is present, but I think most parenting is left to the mother. She's a full-time SAHM, and never gets any "alone" time. When the kids were smaller, I'd often take them for an afternoon here or there, just to give her a break. She's the kindest, gentlest person -- would do anything for anyone. But I can't take her kids any longer for two reasons -- one, we've just moved, and two, they're now not only verbally challenging any perceived authority, but physically, as well.

Angie -- Yes, I know. I've always been firm with them when they've been in my company, which has forced them to be sneaky about what they're doing in the hopes that I don't catch them :rolleyes: . I haven't seen them in a while, though, and on a recent visit it was so much worse than it has ever been. The eldest physically challenged my husband after being told "no" to something (for the third time, after his mother had said "no" and been ignored, and I had said "no" and offered two different alternatives that WERE acceptable). As you can imagine, it didn't fly with DH -- but I can't imagine being her, and having to deal with that, when there IS a solution -- just the solution requires commitment and a bit of hard work.
 

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If advice has been sought and ignored, I think you'd have to be blunt about that. If the mother mentions it to you again, tell her, "nothing's going to change until you do something, and I've already given you my thoughts on that." (You could probably find a nicer way to phrase it while still being straightforward.)
 

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Big Front Porch advocate
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Good luck Tracy -
you cannot fix her family, only she can stand up for herself.
and you can only keep your family safe.

Good luck.
Angie

(sounds like a military school would do wonders).
 

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You know this would make a wonderful job opportunity for the right person... teaching parents how to be good parents all at the families home. Many parents realize there is a problem but can't find a solution that works for them and end up feeling like a failure.
 

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writing some wrongs
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Along the same topic -- a friend of ours came up yesterday to help DH dig the site where our pool will go...someday! His wife was working so he brought his 2 kids, a 6 year old girl and 18 month boy. My DD was in charge - DS and I were at the baseball game. Well, the little girl was having none of it! She fussed and cried and whined and kicked and tantrummed so much that our friend left after about an hour.

I knew the girl had issues...but I just thought it was SO horrible that this father could not do what he'd planned because of the girl's behavior, that he let HER dictate what they would be doing. It wasn't as if he was bringing her to a boring place and expecting her to just sit and wait; she had my daughter and tons of toys to play with, but that wasn't good enough. I think she was just miffed that he made plans without consulting her, or something.
 

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RElative? or friend? or acquaintance?

I have a close relative, a small boy, who's been through a lot with a broken family and two parents who don't know what to do with him. His acting out is outrageous, verbally and physically.

He occasionally needs to be here, with me. From the first time he came here, not only did I explain to him what was unacceptable here, and expected, but so did my children. I recall my daughter restraining him and asking him did he realize that as he played video games that he was reaching out and hitting my youngest son every few minutes. We explained firmly and repeatedly and told him that he WOULD be following our rules at our house and that included how he spoke to his father in my presence.

Things have gotten better over time. Dad has gotten some parenting classes, thanks to the school district, who also takes issue with the kids behavior. Good firm boundaries are beginning to take place at home with dad, and with his grandmother as well. Noone really knows what goes on at his mom's.

As this child is my nephew, I can't not see him. When I see him out in town now, he runs to me, both arms outstretched and open. He asks when he can come over. I continually reinforce good things and reward him for acceptable behavior. I make sure to make time to eat lunch with him at school and do extra things, like softball games and cubscout activities. I can see what some parenting education, some time and attention from me and some maturing time has done. As he's my only nephew, I feel compelled to support and help where I can, but on my terms.

If this were a friend or aquaintance, then I'd make myself scarce. If asked why, I'd be truthful in as gentle a way as possible. Physical confrontations with someone else's children could turn into something very nasty this day and age. If for no other reason than that, I'd limit my involvement.
 

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Maybe if, when getting together, you tell her that she is welcome, but her children are not? If her kids are this bad, there's no reason that you should be subject to them. Let her know that you really like her, but her kids are monsters. Yes, use the word, monsters. You can give her the name of a personal counselor that SHE can go to. It's gonna really break her heart when the first one is sent to Juvenile Hall.
 

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Tracy, not all children are sane.

And, not all parents of insane shildren choose to tell people they are NOT sane because this would then be used against the children by the neighbors. There is nothing like knowing that the neighbors child hears voices to make the neighbors snatch up their kids when they see the afflicted child. And, yet, the afflicted child MUST be allowed to speak to people or they will have no chance in life.

What a LOT of parents do, is, hide their childrens illness, rely on the doctor to fix things, and hope that the doc DOES fix the childrens basic problem before the kids lives are trashed.

Am I saying that the neighbors kids are insane? Nope. I have never met them.

There is a very good site called www.conductdisorders.com that is a support system for parents. The parents who are in the trenches are very good about giving advice.

Neighbors are more tolerant if they think the kids are spoiled than they are if they realize that some poor kid is hallucinating. So, many parents keep their kids true problem a secret so that the kids have a chance to grow up straight. After all, perhaps the NEXT med the child is put on will be the one that works, the one that makes the hallucinations or mood swings go away...........
 

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I have to agree that maybe there is something else going on? My oldest child was not a child that was easy to be around. I had to limit how much she socialized sometimes and with who. It was hard and isolating. I now have a 14yr old that is very well behaved and I can take anywhere (after years of therapy, parenting classes, and daily medication since she was 6yrs old). The link Terri provided, conductdisorders, actually helped me a lot once upon a time. I haven't visited in years and even back then I didn't like to go unless I had to, it is just too hard. Lots of kids have really big problems.

On the flip side I had some acquaintances that didn't "parent" their children at all and I just couldn't hang out with them anymore. I dropped out of their group (it was a homeschool play group). But just remember that something else could be going on. I know I was accused by complete strangers of not minding my child and trust me nothing could be further from the truth.


Terri said:
Tracy, not all children are sane.

And, not all parents of insane shildren choose to tell people they are NOT sane because this would then be used against the children by the neighbors. There is nothing like knowing that the neighbors child hears voices to make the neighbors snatch up their kids when they see the afflicted child. And, yet, the afflicted child MUST be allowed to speak to people or they will have no chance in life.

What a LOT of parents do, is, hide their childrens illness, rely on the doctor to fix things, and hope that the doc DOES fix the childrens basic problem before the kids lives are trashed.

Am I saying that the neighbors kids are insane? Nope. I have never met them.

There is a very good site called www.conductdisorders.com that is a support system for parents. The parents who are in the trenches are very good about giving advice.

Neighbors are more tolerant if they think the kids are spoiled than they are if they realize that some poor kid is hallucinating. So, many parents keep their kids true problem a secret so that the kids have a chance to grow up straight. After all, perhaps the NEXT med the child is put on will be the one that works, the one that makes the hallucinations or mood swings go away...........
 

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You can recommend this book: The Explosive Child by Dr. Greene

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/00...rd_t=201&pf_rd_p=252362401&pf_rd_i=060980751X

I read it many moons ago and it really helped me. I passed it on to another struggling mom.

I was just rereading your posts. Is it just the oldest or all three? Also, a lot of parents just do not want to face that their children are different or have problems, especially mental health problems. I'm not sure what to say if it's all three? That would lead to some sort of boundary issue and not a health problem?
 

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I have friends that live on the other side of the county and seldom see them except for funerals. I saw them last week for the funeral of their son. He was that child, he ruled the roost from birth, he beat his father, his mother drove 350 mile on the weekend to clean his apt at college, they could not have company or talk to friends on the telephone if he was home. The result, death by overdose.
Ed
 

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If she'll read, "Boundaries With Children" by Cloud and Townsend is really quite good.

We know that Mom seems to love her kids. What she needs to learn that her job is to raise kids that other people will love, too -- and that it requires consistency over time. Better she grab the bull by the horns now, especially since the kids have upped the ante and are physically challenging.

This does not read like kids who have mental health issues. It definitely sounds like kids who have no boundaries, and are crying out for some order in their lives. If they don't learn it now, the parents are doing the children a grave disservice.

Pony!
 
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