Land decision and family..

Discussion in 'Homesteading Questions' started by Dreams30, Aug 17, 2004.

  1. Dreams30

    Dreams30 Lady Rider

    Dec 12, 2003
    SW Ark
    This is one of those situations where I am too close to the topic to make a rational decision without some pointers from others. Ya'll tell me what you think.

    After having been cramped up on a tiny city lot for way too long, DH and I set out to purchase some land. We are nearing closing on 21 beautiful acres at a very good price and no matter our decision of where to live we will close on the land. Let's call that place #1.

    Place #2 is 5 acres that my dad has given me from the family homeplace. This place has incredible sentimental value to me and I would love to live close to my family again. The problem is that this land comes with all sorts of restrictions on what I can do with it. ie. Dad gave the land but, he still wants to approve everything (down to where the bridge, house, power lines, etc should go and every tiny detail thereof). I love him and I understand but, it is still very limiting. It would also be unlikely that I could ever expand this amount of land, my siblings (like me) have no desire to ever sell their parts of it.

    Place #1 is in a state which does not tax as heavily as the state that place #2 is in and jobs are a bit more avaliable. Although I do believe that I will be able to get a job in the area of place #2, I am not sure that my children will be able to secure jobs there.

    These places are 3 hours distance from each other. Both have natural springs. Both have wooded areas and field. Both are beautiful. Both need roads put in. Place #1 has power lines, place #2 would need two poles put in for power.

    I would like to have 3-4 Dexters, DH would like to have a horse. I worry that 5 acres will not be enough.

    Here are my thoughts on it...
    1. Build on place #2 close to the family and give it a go. Hold on to place #1 and visit it when I can.

    2. Build on place #1 and break my Dad's heart. Put, a small house on place #2 and visit when I can.

    Also, involved in this decision is the fact that my professional licenses are in the state that place #1 is in and I would have to do another year of college to practice in the state that place #2 is in.

    In building on place #2, I would have tons of help from my extended family members who live in the area, in building on place #1, I would have no help and no extended family around. I could sell place #1 and have a good profit to help build on place #2.

    What would you do?

    ps. In may I will have two houses for sale in downtown San Antonio, close to the colleges and riverwalk, I am asking $45,000 for both as a package deal. (or $25,000 for one and $20,000 for the other) They are across the street from each other and both do need some work but are habitable.
  2. AngieM2

    AngieM2 Big Front Porch advocate

    May 10, 2002
    I would make primary - place 1. You have several good reasons.

    One thing I'd worry about at place 2. Your Dad would be in control, and I don't know how old you are, but I know when I lived on my parents land, I was 42 going on 15. It is not conducive to good relationships to have your Dad open the curtain window and look out everytime you come and go...

    My vote, go to land #1.


  3. stonerebel

    stonerebel Well-Known Member

    Dec 30, 2003
    I would tend to lean toward #1. I live on my familys home place, and I do like it and the kids like it. Some times the dear wife does not like to much, and my parents do not bother me but sometimes they like to see whats going on or want to some input on things. They know when to step back as well. I would hate to see you in a situation where dh feels like he has no control over what he would really like to do with the place. Some times the homeplace is a good place to visit until your family is raised.
  4. DayBird

    DayBird Big Bird

    Jul 25, 2004
    Pell City, AL
    Please, do yourself a favor and DO NOT move next to your family. I made that mistake last Christmas and it has been the most miserable arrangement that I've ever had to deal with. Our family had to move. Our choices were to move to my grandfather's farm or move into a trailer park across the road from my mom and her new husband. Either choice was supposed to be temporary and as it would have cost thousands to put in a septic tank and power pole on the farm, we chose the trailer park. Living in a trailer park isn't the worst part. It's living across the road from "them." They scrutinize everything we do. My parents divorced because my mom couldn't stand living across the road from my paternal grandparents and she couldn't tolerate all the "help." We are going to have to move really, really soon because my wife is tiring of all the "help."
  5. Mike in Ohio

    Mike in Ohio Well-Known Member

    Oct 29, 2002
    Run don't walk to option #1. Tell your father that you appreciate the 5 acre parcel and the fact that it is part of the family holding. Explain that you are all growed up now and that while you will always be "Daddys Girl" you have to make your own decisions and his restrictions won't allow that.

    As usual, just my 2 cents.

  6. almostthere

    almostthere Well-Known Member

    Nov 9, 2003
    You love your dad and thats a good thing. If your dad can agree to let you have free will on the property, get it in writing, and then think some more. This is what most families want, for thier children to be independent and responsible. Thats impossible if he's still trying to make your decisions. Tell your dad you love him but, you are the parent and its your job to put your family in the best situation possible, and that might not be what someone else thinks is the best decision. As far as the property near family goes, help from family is gold, but proceed with caution. You could always use it as a vacation cottage, so that when you visit, you have your own space and it won't feel like he's intruding when its just a vacation. Dad needs to understand that you as a parent, have a lot more at stake than just moving in and building a house. And you, as an adult, don't need Daddy deciding how you and your family live. Good luck in what ever decision you make.
  7. Ravenlost

    Ravenlost Well-Known Member Supporter

    Jul 20, 2004
    I agree with the yourself a lot of frustration and possible heartache and move to Place #1. My parents were the same way...wanted us living on their place and then not leaving us alone. At one point they had all three of us there. My brother ended up moving to the other end of the state and I moved out of state completely! Only my sister (the youngest) is still there and she complains to me all the time about being under the parental thumb.
  8. cc-rider

    cc-rider Baroness of TisaWee Farm Supporter

    Jul 29, 2003
    flatlands of Ohio - sigh
    I agree with everyone else. If an outsider was given these options, I'm sure they'd take #1. Of course, when the heart is involved, it gets more complicated.

    If it were me, I'd live in #1 since that has the greatest potential for your family and growth, but I'd let your father know how happy you are to be given a piece of your history and that you hope to build a retirement or vacation home there someday so that your children can learn about your childhood. That way, you've "locked in" the land, but aren't obligated to do anything about it. As long as the "restrictions" aren't in writing, you can do whatever you want with it after he is gone. (Not that I'm wishing that!!!!)
  9. Tracy in Idaho

    Tracy in Idaho Well-Known Member Supporter

    Dec 8, 2002
    I agree with everyone else -- go with number 1.

    We did the exact same thing and moved next to my in-laws. We lasted 2 miserable years before we got out of there. It was the same type of deal -- they wanted to be able to approve everything we did. Not to mention comments like "You're going to town AGAIN?" Had a good laugh on that one since it had been 6 weeks since we had been to the store!

    Nope, family is best loved from a little distance ;-)

  10. Haggis

    Haggis MacCurmudgeon

    Mar 11, 2004
    Northeastern Minnesota
    I moved from the where I was born and raised; I have several hundred head of kinfolk there. I have brothers and sisters all over the nation but the nearest is over 700 miles away; a perfect situation.

    I love them all and visit when I can, but I'm grow'd up, haired over, and don't need family in my back yard.

    I would suggest you keep a loving distance between you and those you love; maybe then you'll keep loving them.
  11. Mudwoman

    Mudwoman Well-Known Member

    Dec 18, 2002
    Place #1.

    Job. An additional year of school is a big deal when you are relocating and changing your life. Moving to #2 and having to depend on family is one thing, but also depending on them while you have to go to school just to get a job is another.

    Acreage. 5 vs 21. In the far future, one of your siblings might be willing to sell you their parcel for some reason. Now, the 21 acres meets your needs.

    Tell your dad that you love the idea of having a part of the family place, but until you are in a position to further your education to work there, you are going with the other property and building equity that will allow you to enjoy the family place more.
  12. bethlaf

    bethlaf Homegrown Family

    May 26, 2004
    you mentioned dexters and horses, theres no way to do this reasonably self sustainably on 5 acres, no matter how good the land , family is nice constant supervision of your life is not
    take place #1 and the 21 acres, tell daddy thank you, love you , but phrase it so , i well dad , for our plans we just need way more than 5 acres,
    i love the family place, but its just not big enough , we want a piece of land , so that when our kids grow up , we can offer them a place, just like you have so generaously done ....

    Good luck !
  13. MorrisonCorner

    MorrisonCorner Mansfield, VT for 200 yrs

    Jul 27, 2004
    I agree with Mudwoman. I'd allow your family to save face by laying the blame on the job, not the restrictions on the property. Having said this, I'm probably the only person here who successfully moved "home" and didn't end up wishing the dear relatives into an early grave. It worked well because we had "zones" of privacy right from the get go. I won't say that the morning phone call "what will you be doing today dear...?" (same as any other day... going to work!) didn't get irritating at times, but now that my grandmother's gone I sort of miss that irritation. But at the time, I was single. I would imagine having family poking their nose into everything your spouse did would be seriously annoying.
  14. Shygal

    Shygal Unreality star Supporter

    May 26, 2003
    New York
    I'd choose door number 1, Monty.

    So yeah I keep dating myself in this forum....*sigh*
  15. ajoys

    ajoys Well-Known Member

    May 12, 2002
    I agree with everyone else, living close to family and living right next door to family is two different situations. Plus, having to OK everything with dad when you are all grown up is just a terrible situation to be in. No matter how old you are, dad will still see you as his little boy who doesn't know what he is doing, so I better make sure he does everything the right (read as "my") way.

    3 hours is a very easy drive.

    Have fun on your new piece of land.
  16. 3 hour run ain't nothing. Just have a family in both places
  17. rambler

    rambler Well-Known Member Supporter

    Jan 20, 2004
    I had skipped over this message until now - wrote a reply - and the computer locked up. So, try #2, because I think this is important:

    I only read your 1st message, no replies or follow-ups - yet. Based on your first message, all I need to know.

    This is a very easy choice, a no-brainer.

    Save your marraige, be happy with your life, & live anywhere but the 5 acres your father controls.

    Living that way will drive you bonkers. It will make you a sour, sullen person.

    But that's not the worst of it.

    It will drive your spouse away within 5 years. Without a doubt.

    Relatives can live with each other - no matter how troubling it is, or how angry & bonkers it makes them.

    Inlaws cannot. It just will never, ever, work for your spouse. Living on the 5 acres will be the end of your marriage. That is the choice you are facing. Do not make your spouse face this. He will be goo 7 nice & go along with it - for as long as he can stand. But it will not, it cannot, last. The power of a family with 'strings attached' will rip your marriage apart.

    You & others will have a lot of 'yea-buts'.

    Doesn't matter. A controlling father will end your marraige. Period.

    Do not do that to your spouse. Pleae, please, please don't put him in that hell.

    Those 'strings attached' will choke the life out of you.

    If the 5 acres has some value to you, hold them & enjoy the memories. But do not build anything there as long as your dad is in the picture.

    If you lose the 5 acres because you don't build there - wake up happy every morning, enjoy your marriage & your memories and your life, knowing you are building your own happy memories for when you are old. Do not, do not, _do not_ try to go back home again & drag your spouse through that hell.

    There is nothing good that will come from trying to build anything on that 5 acres. It is a trap for you, like alcohol or tobacco or drugs for others. It would be your ruin. You will be single in 5 years. Or wish you were.

    If you can have it bare as is, take it & visit it at times & think happy thoughts. Perhaps many years from now you can retire to it - if the cards go that way. But stay 3 hours away with your life for a long time.

    What seems like a few strings or a little annoyance to you now, from 3 hours away, will be misery & bitterness & constant bickering for the rest of your life.

    Run away from this life trap. And be happy. Don't think badly if your father has hard feelings on this. It is your life now. Use it. Enjoy your own family now.

    I will read the rest of the threead now. I probably won't comment more. I've said my piece. I struggle to not say my piece much, much stronger than I am.

    Good luck to you, I know some questions seem so hard.

    This one is _very_ easy. I pray you have the wisdom to see it.

  18. havellostmywings

    havellostmywings Well-Known Member

    Aug 20, 2003
    I live in Texas, because my family lives in Nevada and California...

    I love both of those states, its the family that drove me off....

    it sounds like you are going into the hill country possibly... and its beautiful there, i am about 100 miles north east of san antonio now near victoria and i love it..

    Best thing.. be happy...

    you wont be on the five acres

    Lynn in Texas
  19. mikell

    mikell Well-Known Member

    Nov 7, 2002
    South West MI
    I have a sign at my cabin

    " Friends and Guest are Allways Welcome, Family by Invitation"

  20. Obviously go with place #1 as your new homestead. But if place #2 is free, go ahead and take it. You don't have to build on it right away. A few years down the road you may have some extra money and you could build an inexpensive cottage or something as a second home. And your father might have loosened up a little by then in terms of what goes on it.

    Personally, I wouldn't mind living next to my family. But the restrictions are something that I would find insulting. I work with my father and my sister-in-law. I see my mother every day and both my siblings are here in the summers. I would have no problem living next door to any of them. But then I'm old-fashioned.