kicking out a child

Discussion in 'Homesteading Questions' started by tonasket, Feb 27, 2005.

  1. tonasket

    tonasket Well-Known Member

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    just wondering if anyone else has had the sad misfortune of having to kick one of their own kids out of the house? hubby and i did 10 days ago, of course she's 18 and thinks she knows it all, good kid, bad attitude for quite a while now, living with her older sister from her real dad, i know she's ok and her and i will be ok again one day, just not an easy thing to do, how did you handle it? thanks, and please keep us in your prayers.
     
  2. Cara

    Cara Well-Known Member

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    No, I haven't. My oldest is not quite 12. But, for what little it's worth, coming from someone who has not been there, but has second hand experience....it's most often the right thing to do. I can't imagine many things would be harder to do, though. Hang in there...and I'l pray for you.
     

  3. 3girls

    3girls Well-Known Member

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    It's called Tough Love, my friend, and sometimes it's all there is left to do.

    My son was a real problem in a number of ways, and there were two girls younger at home. We had what might be referred to as a revolving door for quite a while. He just couldn't seem to figure out how to live. Finally, at about 24-5, I just told him he had to go out and take care of himself, that he could not come back to live, but that if he moved away, he could come for two weeks a year for a visit. So, he rented a room from the people across the street from which he would frequently come right on in, help himself to the refrigerator, etc. I finally explained that he did not live here anymore and should knock before blasting on in.

    He finally got it together, and today is almost 50, has a wife and three near grown children, and lives on 50+ acres near Mt. Rainier. There is hope!!!
     
  4. westbrook

    westbrook In Remembrance

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    You did the right thing! here is a [[[[HUG]]]]
     
  5. willow_girl

    willow_girl Very Dairy

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    My parents booted me out when I was 17. I'd been going back and forth for about a year, shacking up wit' my boyfriend then moving back home whenever he was evicted or we got into a fight.

    So the folks booted me out (can't say I blame them, I had a whale of a drinking problem). It wasn't so bad, as I had a full-time job and money in the bank already. I moved in with a friend who was out of school and living with her older, married sister and brother-in-law. We had a pretty good time ...

    My parents did invite me back around the time of my high school graduation, even threw a party for me with all the relatives invited. I was too naive to realize at the time that my mom was simply too embarrassed to let on to her family that I was a hellion and they had booted me out! Day or two after the party, she took me aside and informed me that if I wanted to stay, I'd have to pay her $75 a week and not tell my dad. (She was trying to drum up some money to fly the coop.) I said screw that, and got an apartment with my boyfriend instead! (It was cheaper.)

    Living on my own made me more responsible, for sure. By 19, I had quit drinking and using drugs altogether. I don't think that would have happened had my parents been willing to enable me. The prospect of starvation has a way of hastening maturity! :D

    I hope the same thing happens with your daughter, Tona. And anyway, 18 is grown up anyway! My parents raised me with the idea I had to move out when I turned 18, I figure I just jumped the gun by about a year. ;)
     
  6. mightybooboo

    mightybooboo Well-Known Member

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    I have twice,with stepsons.They needed their independence and they got it.One I still have a few issues with(and he with me), Im very tight with the other.Its just growing up.You have to do it when they tell you how things are going to be in your home,that wont work.So on their way they must go.
    You did the right thing,just be there when they need you,they always will in one way or another.
    In my case all they need now is an understanding voice on the phone who they know loves em,and can share thoughts with when they need to.And it sure is nice when they come to visit from out of state,just makes my day/week/month.

    Booboo
     
  7. marvella

    marvella Well-Known Member

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    you did the right thing. just keep the lines of communication open. nothing like having to feed yourself to wake a kid up. worked on me, and i think willow girl was hiding under my bed with a tape recorder.:) very similar story to mine.

    as wise friend once told me to set the limits of what you can endure, then STICK to it. if they cross the line, enforce it, and then take care of yourself. i may have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but my kids have turned out to be really good people and i am very proud of them.
     
  8. Maura

    Maura Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Now that she is out "on her own" in a manner of speaking, you can change your relationship with her. Treat her as though she is grown and on her own, not a rebellious (sp) kid. If she had moved out on her own, say because she had to go to another town for a job, how would you treat her? Invite her over for dinner. Go to lunch with her. Go shopping with her, whatever you might be doing if she had left under better circumstances. Ask when you and Dad can go to their place for dinner or lunch, then treat them like adults.
     
  9. leaping leon

    leaping leon Well-Known Member

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    Yes, but only if they act like adults and treat YOU with the respect you deserve. Otherwise you are encouraging immaturity and they will treat you as badly as you allow them to. I write from experience.
    Tonasket, I've had similar problems and I wish I had kicked one of my daughters out sooner...I tried treating her like she was mature and she wasn't, so now she thinks that she can get away with acting like a child and still get all the privileges of adulthood! I just hope she doesn't get into real trouble before she grows up emotionally.
    I'll pray for you, your family and your daughter. Please pray for us, too.
    I believe that we need to treat any relationship like what it really is...if your child is immature, selfish, a liar, irresponsible, then you need to treat them that way. They know it, you know it, and if you treat them like they're something they aren't, they will either use this to hurt you and themselves and/or it will become a wall between you. The more truth you can have between yourself and someone else, the better the relationship will be. It is impossible to really love someone when who you are loving is what you wish they were or a fantasy that lives only in your mind.
    (Wow, where did that come from? I have to copy that to my computer and re-read it...I think I need to follow my own advice more than I have been...)
    God bless you all.
     
  10. chas

    chas Well-Known Member

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    It.s hard to kick one out.We could take no more and laid down the law.Obey or move. Next day he was gone (17 yr old)Did we ever questian our actions? You bet,day after day!
    About a month latter we saw him in town.Our hearts jumped.We restated our policies.A week latter he moved out because he didn't like being told what to do.Joined the airforce married a brat from the bars and got thrown out of the service!
    Then got thrown out of his marriage!
    Got thrown out of second marriage!
    Got thtown out of a few live in s! We got the kids.18 yr old still sucks thumb at night. Grandson left to go live with a friend . Wants to come back and let us support him . NOPE aint gonna happen .The girl was doing well untill our 39 yr old kid came back.We shoulda kept him out.He still knows better than his parents!!!
    He gets a real job and will be gone by May or else.
    We shoulda been tougher a lot sooner for his sake and all those that he has messed up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Stick by your guns and keep the lines open ,and don't get soft hearted.
    Tough love is best .
     
  11. snoozy

    snoozy Well-Known Member Supporter

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    The whole concept of WANTING to stay at home (parent's home) is so strange to me. When I was 16, I would hear my mother calling me on the carpet for something I did or didn't do...only to come out of my room and find that I was imagining things! And I was a good kid! But I sure wanted to be on my own. Fortunately, I went to college that year and lived in the dorms for the first year, then took an apartment with my roomie from the dorms for the second year. The only times I have stayed at my mother's after that was when I had to -- being "between countries", before or after I found an apartment...and even those few weeks or months were like having my wings clipped.

    Meanwhile my husband's son is one of the modern breed who always manages to get someone else to subsidize his incompetence or give him a crutch, and I am sorry to say he is as lame as lame can be.

    At 18, they need to be on their own. You did right.
     
  12. Pony

    Pony Well-Known Member Supporter

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    It's hard, but sometimes, it's all you can do.

    Had to give the old heave-ho to Number One Son. I never did understand the phrase, "My house, my rules" until that one came along. He treated everyone like they were so much dirt under his feet. Bye-bye baby. Broke my heart into about 5 million jagged little pieces, but knew it had to be.

    I didn't handle that so well. Gave him and his girlfriend food and money and stuff like that for a while. (I don't think they ate the home-canned stuff, but if that's what I'm eating... anyway...)

    They handled things very irresponsibly. When their lease was up, she went home to her mom and dad; we told him he could move back if he acted like a responsible member of the family.

    Well, now he's sleeping on the couch at her mom and dad's, has been for gosh... must be over a year now. We talk, they come over for dinner now and then. I don't ask about their finances, we don't give them money or food or anything, we just act like they're responsible human beings and bite our tongues till they bleed sometimes.

    But he's almost 22 now, and we kinda sorta get along now, and that feels better than when he was here and we were fighting all the time, and better than when I wasn't sure if he was going to make it.

    God bless you and help you make the choices that are healthy for your whole family!

    (P.S. DD is 3 years younger than her brother, and asked, "If I don't act like a jerk, can I still live at home until I get some more money saved up and stuff?" We told her "yeah, but you're going to have to contribute to the household." At first, I don't think she took us too seriously, until we gave her a "shape-up-or-ship-
    out" date. She's very nice now, and contributes financially in addition to doing household chores and being a general contributing adult member of the family.)

    Pony!
     
  13. Slev

    Slev Well-Known Member Supporter

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    MY mom and dad lost their rural property when he could no longer make the payments, in part due to poor health but mostly from trying to pay for my brothers mistakes, (in the fact that he got a girl knocked-up) When my brother and his wife did not make it and the grandbaby went with the mother, my mom & dad were the 1st in our state to fight for grandparents visiting rights. That took all of their money amd lost them their dream home out in the country. At that point we moved in town until they headed south to TN. That's when I lost a place to live. So in my case, I was a good kid, no probelms with my folks but it was time for them to leave. They asked if I wanted to go along, but I had a job, school and a girl friend. So I did the only thing I could I got drunk and asked her to marry me.

    I think you did the right thing, but I think I'd even take it one step further. I know several people may disagree with me on this. But I would try talking to some military recruiters. Looking at it from a young persons point of view, there is not a lot out there to offer to someone in your kids position/attitude. The military pays you, feeds you, provides further education and matures you. It may not be a career, but it will sure help out their furture.
     
  14. Ann-NWIowa

    Ann-NWIowa Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Yes. Tough love is a real hard concept but some kids need the boot. Sometimes its for them and sometimes for the family. My son kept moving in and out. Finally I told him you leave again you stay out and that's what happened. Daughter had a drinking problem and a mouth that wouldn't quit. She informed me she didn't have to listen to me or do what I requested and I said that's absolutely right however you won't live here and not respect me. Broke my heart over dd but we've come full circle and have an excellent relationship now...but wouldn't want her under my roof!! DS I still wouldn't trust anything he says as true and definitely wouldn't allow him under my roof again.

    My parents didn't throw me out ... they moved me out. I was 17 just out of high school and had a job in Des Moines. I was planning to stay home until I got married the following Spring, however, they found an apartment for me within walking distance of my office, paid the rent deposit and moved me out. When I went back a week later my youngest sister was in my room and all my stuff packed away. To this day (45 years later) I still don't know why they did that to me as I was following their rules and not acting out at all.
     
  15. tooltime

    tooltime Border Ruffian

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    If someone is 18, they aren't a child any longer, they're an adult. That doesn't mean you stop caring about your kid, but they are old enough to go out on their own.

    I was staying rent-free with my favorite Uncle (Uncle Sam) when I was 18. He even gave me and several thousand other guys clothes, meals, guns and other "toys." All my brothers and sisters except one were living away from home at 18, and he was farming with my Dad.

    Seems perfectly OK for me to expect the little birdies to survive outside the nest once they've reached adulthood.
     
  16. willow_girl

    willow_girl Very Dairy

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    Another thing I think is worth pondering is the source of the conflict between the parent(s) and child. Is it because the child is acting irresponsibly -- driving too fast, getting in trouble with the law, etc.? Or is the child simply ready for adulthood, and the parents' rules are interfering with that?

    I think we sometimes attempt to keep teenagers "children" for far too long! A few generations ago, a person of 17 or 18 was most likely married and shouldering adult responsibilities.

    At 17, by the time I graduated from high school, I had worked at the same restaurant for a year and a half, had been promoted from waitress to shift manager, and was being sent to new stores opened by the franchise to train the waitstaff. I had checking and savings accounts, and a car that I had purchased with my own money. I was sexually active, had been for awhile, and had made a doctor's appointment and been fitted for birth control when I was 16. Yeah I had some wild weekends, but how many adults like to go out to the bar on Friday and Saturday nights to drink and dance and have a good time?!

    I was, for all intents and purposes, ready to live as an adult, and my parent's rules basically demanded that I had to remain a child, and act like a child, as long as I lived under their roof. I was expected to obey arbitrary rules, like a curfew, that served no purpose other than to assert their authority over me, and to pretend that their opinions still mattered to me. (I always found it rather ironic that two people who were obviously miserably unhappy with their lives and marriage should try to offer any advice beyond "for god's sakes don't do what we did"!)

    In short, it was time for me to be on my own, and I did pretty well, I think. (I didn't starve!) Most of the conflict in my life prior to getting kicked out had been with my parents over silly things like curfews and drinking ... once all the bickering stopped, I was much happier and I think they must have been, too!
     
  17. pinemead

    pinemead Well-Known Member

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    It's one of the hardest things you may have to do as a parent, but sometimes it's necessary. I kicked out my only child, my son. He was just totally irresponsible in every way. He left for 2 years, but he knew I was always there for him if things got really serious. Eventually things got so bad for him that he called to ask if he could come home. We had a long talk about rules, respect and responsibility. He agreed to my terms and moved home. He has been wonderful for the 2 years he's been back home. Works every day, helps at home, gives me money from every paycheck, and now has a great girlfriend. It is a real pleasure to have him here. Don't back down. There is hope!
     
  18. Maura

    Maura Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I still say, treat her like an adult. What do you think tough love is? When you treat someone like an adult you don't make negative comments about their housekeeping when you visit. You don't ask how late they stayed out the night before. You don't let them move back in when they have a fight with their roommate. At this age, you don't give them suggestions or helpful advice unless they ask for it point blank, you just say, "uh, hah" and bite your tongue. In fact, after the third time whining about something you can even say that you don't want to hear about it anymore. You can do a spring cleaning on her bedroom at your house so you will have a nice spare bedroom. You can box up the stuff she left behind and put it in the garage so you have more closet space. Don't throw it out, yet.

    When she reports to you how she handled a situation and you can see that she was really doing some thinking and not acting like a spoiled brat, praise her well, even if you would have handled the situation differently. If she adopts a dog or cat then can't take care of it, do not take in the dog or cat. If you treat her like an adult, not out of anger, she will respond more and more like an adult.

    It is normal for mothers and daughters to be on the outs at this age. There can only be one Queen of the House. Once she has a House of her own she will find less and less fault with you, and the words that start coming out of her mouth will be the ones that came out of yours.
     
  19. Jan Doling

    Jan Doling Well-Known Member

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    My parents sold the house and sent me a postcard my freshman year of college: "Don't come home for Christmas....someone else lives there now!" The moved onto a sailboat and lived all over the Caribbean for the next 20 years. (They did send me a plane ticket to join them in Nassau that year and let me join them several times for extended cruises thereafter). If you don't make them go, some never will!

    I have a friend with 4 siblings and his parents helped each of them choose an apartment and helped with the first month rent and electric deposit and moved them in as soon as they were 18. Their previous rooms were probably turned into dens or sewing rooms that night! It sounds tough, but it is what is best for the son or daughter in the long run.
     
  20. WanderingOak

    WanderingOak Well-Known Member

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    My folks split when I was three. My dad had custody of me when I was a teenager and when I turned 18, he gave me the boot. He said he would send me my stuff, but I never heard from or saw him again. My mom, on the other hand was extremely posessive and clinging. She literally would not let me out of her sight when I was 19 untill I went to college, and then she would call 2-3x a week. When I graduated, she had a screaming fit because I wouldn't move back in with her. I joined the Navy, and she wouldn't even talk to me, cause she was still PO'd about Vietnam (this was in 1993). Once I was done with Uncle Sam's Cannoe Club, she started demanding that I move back in with her again, saying that I needed to support her in her dottage. Of course, if I did move back in, I'd be stuck with the same rules that I had when I was 12: 6-o-clock curfew, no phone privelages, quiet hours after 7, no alchohol, perpetual <1000 calorie a day diet. My sister was still living at home, and she had to go through the same BS. My mother died last year from hypertension- she literally worried herself to death. I'm fine, but my sister has never really been on her own, so she has no idea what to do with her life now.