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Discussion in 'Homesteading Questions' started by power_line, Dec 8, 2004.
Hi Power Line,
Sounds like you and your wife have been through a lot together. I would think some third party help might be in order. Several years ago DW and I went to pastoral counseling. One of the best things we ever did. Gave us an impartial third party opinion of the situation.
You and your family will be in our thoughts and prayers.
Thank you Duke,
Do you remember how you first won her?
You COULD try doing the same things now that you did then.
How old are the kids?
Hmmmm....I loved my husband to death...(literally) ...but I had my own bank account, he had his own apartment, he never had keys to our house...you are confusing too many things here, which is why I think so many marriages end in divorce. She is still her own person, and no matter how much you love her, you can't change her. Thank God my husband was middle aged when I married him, because he was very patient with me, and found me rather humorous. I think people think the wedding vows miraculously blend two people together in a literal sense...it is just a figurative blending, sweetie. Stop making too much of it, before she takes the money out of the account to buy gas for the car and beats it.
how bout you write her a letter (proof read it too) and tell her why you are still in love with her. what you love about her and what you love about your life together. do not mention the ugly stuff, just the good stuff. the times you have laughed together, or walked holding hands, or took pleasure in something the kids were doing. maybe tell her that you want her to be her own person, and make her own decisions and that you like hearing about her plans, hopes and dreams. my dh does not have a bit of interest in homesteading , but i do, we allow each other to be whom we are, and admit that we do not always like the actions of the other. i love my husband deeply, he is my best friend, but i do not feel, (right now) like i am in love with him.
I am not qualified to give any professional advice about your situation. I can't say what to do, except that perhaps go the route of counseling that you both might agree. If it helps, and it brings together, and mainly that you Want it.
I was married for 21 years to a woman that she simply took a notion to a mid life change and took up with someone else for affection and wanting a 'new found independence', whatever that means. Life and job stresses, external build up towards negative emotions, and if love is lost than that is what I figured happened. It's not easy, by any means, to think that we might have found someone we thought was going to share life together and they pull out. When she left she oddly said that "People are People", and I thought about that for a long time, without a conclusion for what it honestly meant. Asking 'why' becomes pointless. I am not sure about putting anyone on a 'pedestal'. That is almost an unnatural form of adoration in a sharing human relationship. It's sad to hear, but really there are reasons for why all this is happening, even if you don't clearly see it at first. I blamed myself about it being 'right' or 'wrong', or what I could have done better to appease my ex wife, but eventually we are what we are.
Perhaps if you told us what area of the country you are in, someone could recommend a good marriage counselor. Counselors are not created equal.
I have to say my first instinct is to not get involved here, yet your situation is compelling and I really feel for you.
I wonder if you could print out your post, and let your wife read it. Maybe she will make new realizations--if you are the type that has a hard time expressing himself, maybe reading how you feel would help her understand.
I would urge you to seek counseling as both an individual and as a couple if possible.
You really do need to find out if she is not "in love" with you, or if she just said something she really didn't mean.
As for the homesteading your wife desires . . . people who crave change are either seeking something or are running away from something. Most are doing both. Find out why she craves change.
I'm not a parent, so I'm not sure if I have a leg to stand on when it comes to parenting, but I once was a child who had his share of trouble--so here goes . . .
If a child is doing things to get attention, then the child probably needs attention, or is lacking something emotionally and is trying to get attention to substitute a new emotion for a really bad one. If you don't know what the child needs, then a counsellor can help.
Discipline always helps a troubled child, but it must come with affection and understanding. Ignoring a troubled child is like denying a sick person medicine. Motivational tactics through fear and intimidation without expressed affection and explicit signs of caring is like pooring salt on a child's wound.
My mother was often blind toward my failures. I think all mothers are blind toward their children's shortcomings--that's part of the beauty of motherhood I guess.
And if a child is intentionally trying to **** you off, then you're giving him all the power in your relationship if you actually get ****ed off! Next time a child does that, smile and give him a bear hug. Squeeze hard (not hard enough to break a rib) and say something like:
"You crazy SOB, your mother and I really luuuuvvvv you. (Really make the word "love" cartoony it's easier to say when you're not so serious.) But, son, we don't appreciate your behavior and if it doesn't stop, I'm gonna lock you out of the house in your underwear and invite your friends over to take pictures."
Don't squeeze so long that he passes out.
You'll feel like an idiot and he'll probably get really embarrased and even recoil. I always ended up going from spoiled brat to laughing teenaged jackass.
At the worst, he'll hide inside his room and close the door. But he'll have gotten attention, you'll have expressed yourself, he'll recognize it at least on a subconscious level and you'll have diffused a conflict.
If the child is on drugs or is suicidal, then skip what I just said and seek professional help.
Just my 25 cents.
I can see your pain in every word, so this will probably sound a bit harsh =/ but I see more here than I think can be fixed, honestly.
"What can I do for my wife for her to love me and want me as her husband? "
Nothing. You can't MAKE her love you like you want her to. She has told you that she isn't in love with you, I don't see that changing
"the more I fight for it the more she ask for me to be different"
If she is asking you to be different, she is asking you to not be yourself. No one should EVER do this to a person, ask them to change for them =/
"I have been doing everything that she has ask of me, even the things that I don't beleave I should do or not do. "
Thats a huge signal to me right there. You should not go against your conscience for anyone.
There are a lot more things that stand out, one person said they had their own bank account while married, maybe so....but its the hiding of it that is the problem.
I dont know what to tell you, I dont have any solutions for you
I agree with some of what ShyGal says, BUT I would disagree about loving you. SG is right you can't MAKE her love you BUT she can decide to love you. Love is a decision, not a feeling. Of course, we as Americans don't really understand the word love really well, because we "love" pizza and laundry detergents, or going to a baseball game.
I think you should both see a counselor and specifically your pastor if you have one. If you don't have a pastor, go to a marriage counselor, someone who has a successful marriage themselves, btw, don't hire just anybody because they have a degree with a few letters behind their name.
I don't think married people should have a "his" and "hers" bank account. Everything needs to be out in the open. Finances are the number one cause of divorce, but that is just symptomatic of the "me" ideology and not the "we" of marriage. PERHAPS if you were both old and financially stable before being married AND there was absolutely NO children (anyone under 25) then you might be able to slide by with seperate monies, but not in your situation.
Get some help soon... even if she won't come, it will help you out.
I hope things work out for you. Take time and communicate. The reality is that you can only live one day at a time, so make the most of a relationship that you maintian with trust and realistic expectations. Being aware and going forward with your mate is a constant challenge and balance to your individuality and hers. I wish you both, and your families, peace, love, and contentment.
gather your stuff, cut your losses and run.. do not walk, run away. Forget how you feel, its one sided.
Ive been there brother... trust me, you will NEVER please this one... ever. Stop trying.
oh I do relate.... comprimise your beliefs morals and views so she wont not love you....
please man, pack you bags, you lost a long time ago.
No at the time no one could convince me either...
You are clearly incompatable people. What is the point of forcing the other person to live a life that they wont like?
ask yourself, would YOU in this manner force HER to move? if the answer is NO, then ask yourself why would she do it to you?
incompatability, you have different personal values when dealing with people.
Oh you move to make her happy she will find 100 other reasons you arent making her happy.
its a loaded game this one, and many women love to play it. Dont fall for it run from it.
time to go have a cup of coffe at a nice quiet bar, and pop a quarter in the box and pick the song "I cant make you love me"... and listen.
You cant make a heart feel something it wont... but from the sound of it, I dont think she has one. if she does its made of flint.
let her go as far away as she likes. ask her not to leave her forwarding address.
You cant, and never will, make her see anything bad about her own flesh and blood child no matter how manipulative he is...
ask yourself where he got that trait...
No one can help you.... what she has done "right" before doesnt count for the now you are dealing with.
see the first line of my post... she pretty much said it in stone. When you hear this phrase, its over.
the fact she is hiding assets IS a big deal.... because she didnt want to tell you about them. Having seperate business is a great idea it eliminates a lot of tension and sets some personal boundries.
when one does it and hides it... mmm they are either up to no good or planning a midnight run.
Here is my advice, no one wil like it; tap out your joint bank accounts in cash, put her share in an envelope and hand it to her. then open a private account in your own name. This will prevent you from waking up one day and finding out your joint bank accounts are dry and your joint CCs are maxed out.
oh and shes gone.
fair is fair; she, behind you back safegaurded HER butt, its equally as fair for you to do the same.
better do it quick before she gets any ideas....
harsh, I know... truth is a bitter pill sometimes.
you were convienient and willing, subserviant and easy.
I got a tee shirt from that ride too..
ahh then she didnt want you for you she wanted someone to TRAIN... you trained well now she wants something else and oops, you come up with this defiant "I dunno, I really dont want to "
get a good lawyer so she doesnt shink you alive in the devorce.
oh yea she has one of those hidden to.. I'll bet good money on it.
look in a mirror and say that to yourself, pretend you reflection is a total stranger...
how does that sound to you?
she has you beaten down and your self worth crushed. Pull yourself UP and kick her OUT.
A day in church and a famly group hug, is in your case a lot like a shot of morphine.
feels real good till tomorrow moring when it wears off.
For your sake , I truly hope it doesnt but i will warn you, if the warm fuzzys start to fade and the old crap flaots to the top.. dont wait. Open the door and point.
When someone ignores your efforts to "help out" and demands you do things contrary to your convictions and demands to be set on an ivory tower and treated like glass...
I dunno man, thats a pretty sharp knife she is holding at your nuts.... a relationship is a give and take ballance, this sounds like your standing real still and shes shooting arrows at the apple on your head.
A site with lots of good marriage advice is
In addition to the Marriage Builders website that Nancy suggested, I would encourage you to also check out http://www.familylife.com/marriage.asp
You need to be yourself and not lose your own identity. If you try to become someone you are not to please the other person you will have a miserable life-guaranteed. The real you will surface again and again and again and it won't work anyway.
Marriage and family is a hard thing. Most people dont really recognize this or anticipate it before they are overwhlmed.
Men and women love very differently and once a woman has kids and all the chores that goes along with it, its hard to be intimate with someone....the kids are in your face all day wanting and needing everything under the Sun and then the hubby comes home asking "did you do this, pay that and whats for supper" and all the while the kids are yacking and excited that daddy is home. I often complain that I dont have time to have a complete thought because of all the racket! And then hubby wants to snuggle and talk and I say follow me around because I got this this and this to do....and unless I tell him exactly how to help he does nothing (like having another child that needs direction). I love my hubby but I am not in love with him because I've got too much to do right now with kids and providing for them. I am hoping to be closer when the kids get a little older and live independently....but having said "live independently" I have to spend my time and energy growing them up and teaching them to take care of themselves while hubby makes a living because I dont want to spend my retirement fixing my 20 year olds mistakes.
He too resents that I am not in love with him but he also understands that I am more complex than a light switch. We have separate accounts...always have...He also admits that he could never work part-time, take the kids to work with him, teach them at home, do the laundry, milk the goats, cook and clean. That's my respect and appreciation from him. My family runs like a team....each with its own position and responsibilities. It aint perfect but it works and we accept that we will have difficulties....big or small we will try to conquer all....and accept what we cannot change (mother in laws come to mind)
Just a woman's point of view.....try to get a kid free weekend order take out, rent some chick flicks, and stay in your PJ's all weekend and talk all this crap over!