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Well,

Someone very near to my heart has been talking and romancing online and on cell phones and on text messages for nearly a year. Today, they are going to meet face to face in a secure location under the watchful eye of relatives.

The problem is that the online "stranger" comes from a background of abuse, neglect, drug use, party culture, etc. He's 23 and has only worked, all-told, about 2 years and has recently (supposedly) turned to the Lord and is trying to get his act together.

He's 4 years older than the girl who is involved, and probably a master manipulator.

The girl is 18 and pursuing a college education, while he has just recently gotten a GED and mows grass at a college.

He lives about 400-500 miles away and is driving down today to see the young lady. They are meeting at the girl's home where the parents will be well-armed and watchful. He will NOT be taking her anywhere in a car and he will NOT be staying overnight in her home. The family is planning a cookout with friends for the evening and the 2 young folks will be allowed to meet and talk, but nothing more.

The girl's parents have vehemently opposed this whole thing, but the girl won't give it up. She just wants to meet him, because he's a "Nice Guy".

Any thoughts? Any experience? I'll be at the cookout, since I'm very close to this family.
 

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Keep your eyes open -- sounds like you're doing a great job protecting your daughter. Keep the guy busy with other people so they are never alone and nothing should happen. It's funny how some of these young women fall for the bad guy types. Check him out for yourself and see how he talks and what answers he gives -- you should be able to get a feeling for yourself if he is for real or not.

Ken in Glassboro, NJ :)
 

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Well, if she's 18 that pretty much leaves it up to her. I think it's really nice her family can be opposed to the guy and still make sure she meets him under family auspices, though. Would have been easy enough for the girl to meet him some other place if there had been serious desent in the family about it.

With his background, when he sees her family sticking with her like this, it's going to be pretty clear to him that the way he was raised isn't going to fly very well. So I think he's either going to fade away in a few months or else prove himself. If he's been very open with his background and it sounds like he has, then it seems hopeful to me.

I hope everything works out ok for all involved.

Jennifer
 

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Truthfully, he doesn't sound all that bad to me; people do make mistakes, and the way he was raised likely threw him for more than a bit of a loop. Keep an open mind, he might just surprise you.
 

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shoot him now and save the problems later LOL :)
seriously give him a chance to prove himself. I understand hes found Jesus and if he truly has then great but alot of people find Jesus in a jail cell and I don't think they really care about Jesus its more of a play as they are con artist. Look see Ive changed i'm not a bad person now please let me go and I will never do it again.
And as soon as set free they do it again.
I'm not saying people cant change but it is awful difficult for a person to just up and change anything they are used to.
I always treat everyone I meet for the first time with respect until you give me reason not to. I can pretty quickly size a person up by things they say or how they act so I personally am quick to judge people. I'm also pretty good at seeing thru the veil of disguise. You may be different. Just don't fall prey to the good guy routine hes playing in front of the parents and the bad boy you don't see as soon as he is away from you all.
I can quickly see a pregnant 18 yr old girl with a child who would be fatherless or deadbeat pretty fast.
I am a guy by the way and I no I do not have children of my own but have had step children and know what kids do in front of parents is much different than when they think we aren't around.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
jen74145 said:
Truthfully, he doesn't sound all that bad to me; people do make mistakes, and the way he was raised likely threw him for more than a bit of a loop. Keep an open mind, he might just surprise you.
He may not be....now...however, the father of this girl is well aware of the long-term effects of child sexual abuse/neglect and long-term drug use.

These suitcases (baggage) are generally very difficult to overcome, especially if they occur during the developmental years of childhood. The Father has nothing personal against the guy, but he seems to have little or no ambitions, other than what the daughter tells him to do.

That might work well during a courtship, but I'm sure you're aware that after the "I do" (if it comes to that), is when the "Real" person is finally revealed...

That's why the Parents have a fair share of anxiety.
 

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I talked online with my husband for years, and then we met and got married :) 5 years later we're still happy!

Alot of 40+ year old people think internet dating is insane but it's just another form of courting in today's technological world.

She's an adult and old enough to make her own decisions.

Kat
 

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Boleyz,
I'm on my way, sawed off shotgun and a baseball bat.
Save some for me.
I'd like my steak rare please.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
largentdepoche said:
She's an adult and old enough to make her own decisions.

Kat
She may be an adult at age 18 "Legally", But not necessarily an adult "Emotionally". Young girls are often easily led by a "Nice guy"...
 

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Cornhusker said:
Boleyz,
I'm on my way, sawed off shotgun and a baseball bat.
Save some for me.
I'd like my steak rare please.
I'm already locked and loaded...do you want ribeye or t-bone?
 

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Keep in mind, Boleyz; if she's head over heels for him and anyone says anything against him, she may very well be gone. If you need to talk to her, make sure it comes across as "concerned relative who only wants the best" rather than "authoritative ogre".
 

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jen74145 said:
Keep in mind, Boleyz; if she's head over heels for him and anyone says anything against him, she may very well be gone. If you need to talk to her, make sure it comes across as "concerned relative who only wants the best" rather than "authoritative ogre".
The Father has always been honest with his children and will be in this case as well. However she may interpret it, will be up to her, but the father has never danced around the issues too well, and really doesn't see the need to start doing so now.

The father is what he is and what he is is what he will remain to be, regardless of his daughter's choices.
 

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Unless you assess him as danger to life and limb, let her make her own mistakes. At 18 she has time to recover from a few months of Mr. Charming go-nowhere, with valuable lessons learned.

Make sure she's got some good reliable birth control, such as an IUD, which requires no effort on the part of the user once installed by a doc. Just in case.
 

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It could be worse. He might be very judgemental of others and quick to form bad opinions of others. Or worse still..maybe he has had step-children before because he has never wanted any of his own. Might be that he's been in bad relationships with other women and left them and their kids for selfish reasons. What if he can't spell well and his grammar or writing style really sucks. Don't you just hate those kind of people? Grill him about religion until he breaks and admits to loving Satan. What if Everyone in the family hates him enough that it is impossible for them to ever work out even if they do end up in love with each other. That will prove that everyone in the family and close friends were right and know what is best for her. It would be so much easier if he hadn't gotten his GED, or was working hard at a job, or was an "unbeliever", or was willing to travel so far after waiting a year to meet her family and her at the same time. Bummer. That's ok though, it will still be easy to hate him and make her see reason in spite of what she wants. The most important thing is what the friends and family wants anyway, right? She sounds like one lucky girl to have such wonderful family and friends. Are you sure it's a good idea for her to go to college and learn to think for herself though. It could be dangerous. You could start working on that little problem next before she starts working on a life that doesn't include you as the center. Oh BTW, how is your personal life? How is it that you know so much about master manipulators? Never mind. You probably need to go clean your gun and shine your bat.
 

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good points woodspirit. I think we're all focused on hedging the downside and forgetting that rare but extant individual for whom hell becomes the forge of a strong and reliable blade instead of a furnace that melts everything into ruin.
 

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Boleyz said:
She may be an adult at age 18 "Legally", But not necessarily an adult "Emotionally". Young girls are often easily led by a "Nice guy"...
Exactly Boleyz, at 18 she might be legally an adult. But most often then not at that age they are still "figuring themselves out." And are not mature enough to make wise decisions, or think rationally. Often they think that "it won't happen to me".
However, there are some 18 yr olds who have a darn good head on their shoulder, and you can feel confident of thier choices.

My feeling is if this girl's parents are keeping a watchful eye, then perhaps thier daughter is known for not making the right choices at times and good judgement calls. After all, they probably know her the best.
 

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woodspirit said:
It could be worse. He might be very judgemental of others and quick to form bad opinions of others. Or worse still..maybe he has had step-children before because he has never wanted any of his own. Might be that he's been in bad relationships with other women and left them and their kids for selfish reasons. What if he can't spell well and his grammar or writing style really sucks. Don't you just hate those kind of people? Grill him about religion until he breaks and admits to loving Satan. What if Everyone in the family hates him enough that it is impossible for them to ever work out even if they do end up in love with each other. That will prove that everyone in the family and close friends were right and know what is best for her. It would be so much easier if he hadn't gotten his GED, or was working hard at a job, or was an "unbeliever", or was willing to travel so far after waiting a year to meet her family and her at the same time. Bummer. That's ok though, it will still be easy to hate him and make her see reason in spite of what she wants. The most important thing is what the friends and family wants anyway, right? She sounds like one lucky girl to have such wonderful family and friends. Are you sure it's a good idea for her to go to college and learn to think for herself though. It could be dangerous. You could start working on that little problem next before she starts working on a life that doesn't include you as the center. Oh BTW, how is your personal life? How is it that you know so much about master manipulators? Never mind. You probably need to go clean your gun and shine your bat.
My,my wasn't that well said? ;)
 

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At 18, if my parents would have said anything about my BF, I would have taken off with him!! Thankfully, my parents learned with my older sister and said nothing except good or neutral things about him. It did make the serving of crow I had to eat later a lot smaller and more palatable. :)
 
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