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Discussion Starter #21
It's hard! I just divided my house in two. Upstairs is an apartment. Kitchen and bath living room and bath. My daughter husband and one kid moved home. Even split its hard. Noice. Kid comes down to visit. My animal s bark or get out. Its a pain in the butt. Home school with covid is a huge stresser. Had to buy internet. They use my washer dryer. Not paying anything toward electric bill as yet. All i can say is it would be way better to have your on home and drive over few times a month. And not be a live in maid baby sitter school teach farm hand and cook. Living in a basement cant be nice without walls heat kitchen and bathroom. I wouldnt do it. Same with moving into parents home to tend them. Same nightmare
I haven't sold my house and still am struggling with the idea of moving here completely. Yep...all of the things you said are hard! My daughter works, and when my son in law isn't deployed he's a teacher and works pretty long hours. I agreed to come help, but so far it seems more like I'm the live in maid, nanny, tender to of people, and laundry machine operator. We have talked about building me an apartment in the basement, but I'm not sure that would be the best solution either. I've been considering keeping my house and driving out on the days that they need childcare or specific help, but feeling like i'm aways on call is difficult...especially after 20 years of operating a 24 hour hotline for domestic and sexual violence victims. If the kids really feel like they need me to be here I want to be here to help them, but it's been really hard to do that and not feel swallowed up with their lives and like I've lost my own.
 

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Discussion Starter #22
@Rb's Memaw You said, Before I got called to come here I was helping my son 3 counties over with his boys...a house on wheels might be the gypsy granny nanny trick I need. I just have no knowledge of how to care for or maintain one

What about reaching out to these folks - Family Motor Coach Association.
(Family Motor Coach Association | The Best of RV Travel Clubs | FMCA) They have offices all over and could maybe suggest some folks in your area you could talk with, maybe take a look at different people's rigs, etc.
thank you!
 

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Discussion Starter #23
One point i think people older people overlook about the tiny home idea. They cost a good bit. You have everything built in. No place to put your things. Guess if you had no possessions it would be fine. But down sizing to little to nothing but a few pots and pans dishes clothes shoes would be hard. Like what do you do with grategrandmoms china or dining set. Whatever. Sell or give everything away. What about quilters or other hobby stuff. Dont think those item s would work in a closet size house..
Building a free standing house in the back yard might add property tax for the kids. New septic tank water lines power ect.
those are all points we've been discussing. It would have to be a tiny house...likely no larger than 16x30, if that big. For me that would be enough room since I would still be able to use the big house to can and sew. My daughter and i are beekeepers and being here for that purpose alone would be somewhat helpful, I just need to find a way for this to work that still lets me have my own life and my own space...on a seriously small budget, and tiny houses seem more expensive than mobile homes by quite a lot.
 

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Check out a Park Model Mobile Home.
They are built to remain in a park, not hauled around like a travel trailer. He might be more amenable to something like that. Some are just beautiful, well designed, lots of storage, well insulated and a lot cheaper than a "tiny" home where you have a loft bedroom.
Get some brochures, leave then lying around.....
 
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Hello all,
It's been awhile since I was here and life has thrown me so many curve balls that I feel completely upside down. I was farming hogs and selling package meat with my ex fiance until this past April. We split, it was ugly, I bought a mobile home on a lot in town and left it all. Now my daughter and her husband (who is national guard and spends quite a bit of time deployed) have asked me to move in with them and help them with their cattle ranch and children, homeschool, etc...every MeMaw's dream right? I'm struggling with not having my own space. I have a temporary room set up in the unfinished basement, but haven't really moved out of my house yet and kind of argue with myself about staying here. They would be happy for me to build a tiny house behind their house if that would help me feel like I had my own space, and it would...I just know so little about that process and it seems overwhelming. I'm dying to get out of town again, and I love their farm, and the grandbabies. Am I being selfish for not wanting to stay in the basement and share a bathroom? What would y'all suggest? Maybe I'm just struggling with all of the life changes...I'm learning that these things are a lot different at 50 than they were at 20 or 30.

If they have a ranch, I'm assuming they've got a lot of land.

Why not have them carve you out a little patch, and have your existing trailer moved? Eventually you could have a separate driveway put in -- it's a small cost for both freedom and being able to be close to your family. It's certainly cheaper than building a whole new structure.

That's what most people around here end up doing anyway. Just drag the inlaw's trailer into the backyard, add some gravel to extend the driveway, and then that way everyone has their own little space, kitchen, locks, etc, and can come and go as they please. You can have your own little garden and do what you want.
 

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I asked about having my mobile home moved here, but my son in law is very opposed to mobile homes and doesn't want one on his land.
That right there should tell you quite a bit about the situation ahead of you, if you make this move.. moving to their place to help them should involve sacrifice and compromise on everyone's part, not just yours. My vote is to maintain your personal space at all costs! In doing so you will also maintain good family relations. Sounds like a situation that could go south quickly.

You already told them you want to bring your house. They said no. So tell them no...
 

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My mother-in-law moved onto my sister-in-law's property and they built an addition onto their house. It was connected to the main house by a hallway. It was like a wing added onto the main house. It had a bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and little living room. There was a door in the connecting hallway that could be locked when she wanted her privacy away from the rest of the family.
 

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That right there should tell you quite a bit about the situation ahead of you, if you make this move.. moving to their place to help them should involve sacrifice and compromise on everyone's part, not just yours. My vote is to maintain your personal space at all costs! In doing so you will also maintain good family relations. Sounds like a situation that could go south quickly.

You already told them you want to bring your house. They said no. So tell them no...
I missed Rb's response and absolutely agree with RJ here.

Unless there's a legal reason for it (like the town's banned new mobile homes), then I don't understand the son-in-law's reasoning. Okay, I have a suspicion of what his reasoning is, because I've lived my whole life in mobile homes and I know how a lot of people think of it, and it's unkind.

Rb -- You already seem like you're burning out, just from your posts here. I honestly think you're in real danger of getting stuck in that house and finding yourself in a position where you have to "help" all the time under threat of being put out or being made to feel bad because, "We let you live here, look at all we've done for you, why can't you do this one little thing this one time we asked???" Don't do that to yourself. Just be grandma. If they want grandma-nanny-chore worker-laundry lady-maid, SIL can bend to give you an acre to relax on.

Whatever you decide to do in this situation, I would not sell your current home. It's completely yours, even if it's on a tiny lot in town.
 

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Instead of building a tiny house - why not see if you couldn't add an addition on to their house?

Depending on the layout of their house - and which side of the house you added on to, you could add on a small living room/ open kitchen, behind that your bedroom, and at the end - your own bathroom. Insulate the wall between their space - and your space really well - so you can't hear them / they can't hear you. You could have lots of windows along the side for natural light and have your own space - while also being able to join them / the grandkids without having to go outside.

This would also be ideal as you age and get older - and need help. They would be able to help you as needed, while you maintain your independence.
 

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Discussion Starter #31
At least look into putting up a shed that could be your space. You could eat and sleep in their house but still have your own space to do what you want away from the family. I would get at least a 12 foot by 20 foot shed.

I'm sorry your life was turned upside down.

Think about what YOU want to do. This is the time to put yourself first and follow your heart. What would make you happy?
Thank you so much for reminding me that I can put myself first! My whole life as an adult has been raising kids and now helping them with their adult lives. I jumped straight out of a bad relationship back into parenting and helping my adult kids. I do plan to do something for myself one of these days, but there always seems to be something else more important.
 

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Discussion Starter #32
Thank you all so much for your replies and honest input! I started my day off feeling totally overwhelmed by how to work all of this out. Now I have a lot more to think about an consider. I'm not a fancy person, and if it had it's own bathroom I could probably be ok with staying in the basement. I've looked at some of the shed to house conversions, and it's something we can consider. I don't have a lot of money to throw into this so I do have to be frugal with whatever decision I make. I don't own much at this point in life..unfortunately my ex wiped me out, my bad for being foolish enough to trust him I reckon. I love my kids and grandkids more than anything on this planet and have always tried my best to do my best for them...but this situation could get ugly if not tended properly with human nature being what it is.
 

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Thank you all so much for your replies and honest input! I started my day off feeling totally overwhelmed by how to work all of this out. Now I have a lot more to think about an consider. I'm not a fancy person, and if it had it's own bathroom I could probably be ok with staying in the basement. I've looked at some of the shed to house conversions, and it's something we can consider. I don't have a lot of money to throw into this so I do have to be frugal with whatever decision I make. I don't own much at this point in life..unfortunately my ex wiped me out, my bad for being foolish enough to trust him I reckon. I love my kids and grandkids more than anything on this planet and have always tried my best to do my best for them...but this situation could get ugly if not tended properly with human nature being what it is.
Just one more thing to think about re: staying in the basement. Do you really want to be going up and down stairs as you get older?

It does seem like you're the one making all the sacrifices and doing all the planning. I hope that isn't the case and your daughter and SIL are stepping up.
 

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Lots of input here already. So I’ll try not to repeat info.
My fear with the tiny house idea is this- What if it doesn’t work out? I assume YOU are footing the bill for the tiny house, correct? If things go south and it doesn’t work out,how are you going to sell a house on someone else’s property? Or can they be moved? I don’t know.
Who’s going to build this tiny house or addition? You? SIL? When? In their spare time? From someone who rehabs rentals and works full time, and has a family to tend to, I personally have no spare time. I’m just saying this because home construction itself can be stressful and majorly time consuming.
So you’re asked to move in and help with the chores, cook, clean, babysit, and teach. But SIL is opposed to mobile homes and you currently own one that you could simply drop on the property? No disrespect but, I’d tell him to F off. As I see it, you are doing THEM a favor. Let them bend their “rules” a little or don’t do it. It should be a give and take situation, not give and give on your end. As hard as it can be,Don’t let guilt of being a bad mom or grandma suck you in. At your age you should be relaxing a little and enjoying life.
JMO
 

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Discussion Starter #36
Lots of input here already. So I’ll try not to repeat info.
My fear with the tiny house idea is this- What if it doesn’t work out? I assume YOU are footing the bill for the tiny house, correct? If things go south and it doesn’t work out,how are you going to sell a house on someone else’s property? Or can they be moved? I don’t know.
Who’s going to build this tiny house or addition? You? SIL? When? In their spare time? From someone who rehabs rentals and works full time, and has a family to tend to, I personally have no spare time. I’m just saying this because home construction itself can be stressful and majorly time consuming.
So you’re asked to move in and help with the chores, cook, clean, babysit, and teach. But SIL is opposed to mobile homes and you currently own one that you could simply drop on the property? No disrespect but, I’d tell him to F off. As I see it, you are doing THEM a favor. Let them bend their “rules” a little or don’t do it. It should be a give and take situation, not give and give on your end. As hard as it can be,Don’t let guilt of being a bad mom or grandma suck you in. At your age you should be relaxing a little and enjoying life.
JMO
Thank you for sharing your opinions, and posing very valid questions that due to the circumstances when I got here we failed to discuss. Me coming here was in response to a family emergency, and I think that the kids may have had a kind of scared knee jerk reaction. We are discussing things more in depth now.
As far as building, which would have to be done if I went with a small house...I'm 50 with a body that has had more than it's fair share of abuse and am somewhat limited in what I can do due to being under 100lbs and just a hair over 5 feet tall. My size never stopped me or slowed me down, but my age seems to be doing a lot of slowing down. My SIL has NO spare time, and neither does my daughter. We are talking about looking into pricing for what a group of amish or mennonites could come and build the structure, I can do most of the finish work, but not plumbing or electrical stuff. We are revisiting the idea of relocating my mobile home and considering the costs involved with that, and where on the property would be best to place it.
Last night our conversation left us at I will stay here when needed for child care due to work or a pre planned event, and I'm always handy if they need someone to use the tractor until they learn how, and I'm a phone call away to work cattle. I'm trying to do the best for all involved while keeping in mind that I have 4 other children, and 8 other grandkids with number 11 on the way. I think by the end of the discussion last night the kids realized that we had all leaped before we looked, and that they were taking a lot for granted. They falsely assumed that because I'm single and 50 I must be lonely at home by myself....I'm not an actually have really missed my alone time. They feel that I'm safer here, and they aren't wrong...the small towns around here are meth havens and crime is rampant despite our sheriff's office working tirelessly to stave off the thefts and home invasions. The kids really feel that me moving back out of town would be beneficial to me, and thought that this would be a solution...maybe we will get there, maybe not, but I'm so very thankful for all of the input and thoughts that y'all shared with me. It made a somewhat uncomfortable conversation very easy to have for all of us.
 

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Thank you for sharing your opinions, and posing very valid questions that due to the circumstances when I got here we failed to discuss. Me coming here was in response to a family emergency, and I think that the kids may have had a kind of scared knee jerk reaction. We are discussing things more in depth now.
As far as building, which would have to be done if I went with a small house...I'm 50 with a body that has had more than it's fair share of abuse and am somewhat limited in what I can do due to being under 100lbs and just a hair over 5 feet tall. My size never stopped me or slowed me down, but my age seems to be doing a lot of slowing down. My SIL has NO spare time, and neither does my daughter. We are talking about looking into pricing for what a group of amish or mennonites could come and build the structure, I can do most of the finish work, but not plumbing or electrical stuff. We are revisiting the idea of relocating my mobile home and considering the costs involved with that, and where on the property would be best to place it.
Last night our conversation left us at I will stay here when needed for child care due to work or a pre planned event, and I'm always handy if they need someone to use the tractor until they learn how, and I'm a phone call away to work cattle. I'm trying to do the best for all involved while keeping in mind that I have 4 other children, and 8 other grandkids with number 11 on the way. I think by the end of the discussion last night the kids realized that we had all leaped before we looked, and that they were taking a lot for granted. They falsely assumed that because I'm single and 50 I must be lonely at home by myself....I'm not an actually have really missed my alone time. They feel that I'm safer here, and they aren't wrong...the small towns around here are meth havens and crime is rampant despite our sheriff's office working tirelessly to stave off the thefts and home invasions. The kids really feel that me moving back out of town would be beneficial to me, and thought that this would be a solution...maybe we will get there, maybe not, but I'm so very thankful for all of the input and thoughts that y'all shared with me. It made a somewhat uncomfortable conversation very easy to have for all of us.
That’s great!
When I read your original post and your responses, I just got more and more ticked. It seems like there was nothing in it for you except stress and work, and everything was for their benefit. Sometimes people are not aware of their selfishness, and need a kick in the pants to see it from the other persons perspective.
I hope everything works out for you and the family.
 

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Discussion Starter #38
That’s great!
When I read your original post and your responses, I just got more and more ticked. It seems like there was nothing in it for you except stress and work, and everything was for their benefit. Sometimes people are not aware of their selfishness, and need a kick in the pants to see it from the other persons perspective.
I hope everything works out for you and the family.
I was beginning to feel a bit ticked myself, but after some talking and realizing that we had all just jumped the gun by a lot, I'm feeling a bit better about things this morning. Still a lot to figure out because I do want to be a help to the kids, but not at my sole expense, not the sacrifice of living what years I have left in a way that bring me joy. The kids want to be a help to me, and I want to be a help to them. It seems that the trick is finding a way to make that work in such a way that everyone has reasonable expectations and boundaries.
 

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BTDT as far as being constantly on call to help raising the grandkids. The need to help was legit, but I learned something: usually the best help of all is be a listening ear on the phone encouraging them they can handle their lives just fine, and so can you. With a dog and a gun you would probably be safe in town. It is unfamiliar and you may be a tad lonely so it sounded like a perfect jump. But what if another kid is desperate for help in a year?

My opinion, and it is only that, is stay put in town or find your own country lot when you can afford one. Or country home for that matter. Stay free from living on someone else's land or being beholden to any of your kids. Stay independent. That will gift them all with something money cannot buy: the knowledge they can make their own decisions and then cope with whatever fallout there is.

MeMaw can do some sleepovers with her to help out, or make a run to the ranch for shortterm help, or just be a cheerleader from afar and get much better results.

That and I learned decades ago the pro's at this sort of thing (death, divorce, deployment, disability, etc) say make no major moves in the first year at least. Two is better. You had to land somewhere, hence your home. If you at all can stay planted there until two years from the breakup with your ex, then decide.

Your mileage may vary.
 

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Discussion Starter #40
BTDT as far as being constantly on call to help raising the grandkids. The need to help was legit, but I learned something: usually the best help of all is be a listening ear on the phone encouraging them they can handle their lives just fine, and so can you. With a dog and a gun you would probably be safe in town. It is unfamiliar and you may be a tad lonely so it sounded like a perfect jump. But what if another kid is desperate for help in a year?

My opinion, and it is only that, is stay put in town or find your own country lot when you can afford one. Or country home for that matter. Stay free from living on someone else's land or being beholden to any of your kids. Stay independent. That will gift them all with something money cannot buy: the knowledge they can make their own decisions and then cope with whatever fallout there is.

MeMaw can do some sleepovers with her to help out, or make a run to the ranch for shortterm help, or just be a cheerleader from afar and get much better results.

That and I learned decades ago the pro's at this sort of thing (death, divorce, deployment, disability, etc) say make no major moves in the first year at least. Two is better. You had to land somewhere, hence your home. If you at all can stay planted there until two years from the breakup with your ex, then decide.

Your mileage may vary.
Thanks Nodak3! For right now we have settled on me staying here on the nights prior to my DD having to work because she has to leave ridiculously early and I don't want to drive out here at 3am. I'm going back to unpack my house and invest some time there working on the house and getting my remote work lined up so that I can flex on the days that we need to work cattle, or do bee chores, or when my DD gets called in to work. I also told them I'm available for other times too, but not at the drop of a hat and not for piddly stuff because I do still have to take care of my present and future.

LOL...2 years!! That's great advice, but in my entire life I've never lived in the same place longer than 5, and that was when my kids were little. I grew up moving all the time and am used to it, so I didn't even think twice when the kids said they needed me. When I left my ex I had temporary custody of 2 of my grandkids and the mobile home that I bought was an emergency purchase to get us out of there and away from him and his daughter. It's definitely not where I want to be, or necessarily what I want to have, it's just where I landed with the grandboys and we made the best out of a bad situation and received the best possible outcome. I actually bought it knowing that I would likely be there a year or less with an eye out to get back out of town and get my hands back into my bees and the dirt.

With 5 kids and 10 going on 11 grandkids it seems like the past decade has been fishing my way through crises from kid to kid with just a small enough reprieve to end up in a bad situation. The kids' dad had always been useless and they rely on me a lot...maybe a bit excessively from time to time, but I honestly can't envision my life without them being the biggest portion of it. Yes, there are things I want to do and accomplish yet and the kids won't stand in my way...in fact my daughter is my partner with the bees and herbs, and we are so close that she has me help deliver her babies (this one may be a homebirth!). Should one of the other kids need me we will all put our heads together and figure out how to handle it as a family just like we always have. I can honestly say that no one in our family ever fights a battle alone except by choice. In all of this I feel fortunate knowing that so many of my friends have no relationship with their kids, or very strained ones.

All of that rambling to say that even though this wasn't a planned life transition for right now, it has been a goal for the kids to have me here for a long time. My kids and I have always admired the multi generational family lifestyle and have put it into practice the best way that we are able to but life has thrown all of us a bunch of huge curve balls and we jumped into the current situation without giving enough thought to the fine details of actually living this modern day "Waltons" situation. The kids all get their fair share of tough love and love from afar, and had this particular situation not been so tragic and sudden I would likely have stayed with the grandboys and my son but came straight over here instead. I think once we get the finer details ironed out this could be a great situation for all of us...and I'll get to spend more time with my bees. But like I told the kids last night...it could take us a year to get there.
 
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