if your husband disagrees with the lifestyle you choose?

Discussion in 'Homesteading Questions' started by Jenn, May 26, 2005.

  1. Jenn

    Jenn Well-Known Member Supporter

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    see above
     
  2. Jenn

    Jenn Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Well DH and I are in a partnership, he's not my boss nor I his. But I can't buy a farm without his agreement.

    But he has no interest in gardening, animals, or even eating most fresh vegetables. What we do is I have to be a big girl and do it on my own. He has wrestled a ram for me a few times but he only made cameo appearances on the 'farm'. He also insisted he have a suburban home on whatever farm I got- had to have ac, functional plumbing, electric, internet, cable or TV. So I carved out farmchores I could handle myself, and enjoyed as I always have the simpler building tasks. It helped to move to a farmette where many outbuildings were already in place but I had to be electrician, fencer, plumber, vet, butcher, carpenter, and when required supervisor of hired help.

    Like yours my DH will buy/eat store bought junk when my fresh food is on offer. He does, however, have some (slightly ignorant) pride in me and is always bragging that a whole meal came from our garden (not the bacon or flour, dear!) etc. or that my cukes were just as good as the prizewinners at the one garden show I dragged him to last year.

    So probably you can do what you do- garden, chickens, plan on whether you could manage an expansion. Never counting on him to be equal partner. If you get real good and it's saving the family a lot of grocery money you can cut back on (outside) work, but it is now and may remain YOUR hobby. You don't have to have the same hobbies as DH.

    I expect though your real issue is money. I am lucky enough that, at least in the backwoods military town areas where we'll likely move next, we will be able to afford a good sized farmette and even (though even my DH will be upset by this) hiring in work I can't manage like big landscaping or building the barn that was already there on our prior homestead. In your case DH may be unwilling to move to a larger place just so you can have a hobby he would get dragged into against his will. Convince him slowly that you are responsible, can do it on your own even if the operation gets bigger, and maybe he'll come to enjoy it more and share your hobby someday, or at least be willing to spend the money/ the move to put you where you want to be/ would be happiest.

    Let him see the joy not just the labor- that isn't joyful for him as it is for you. Baby chicks, the kids' joy in it all. My DH actually got off on the testosterone on offer when he would strut onto the farmette- how HE could make the ram back down (maybe I c'd've also if I'd been a foor taller and reeked of being a man) or the tom turkey back up- as childish as a rooster really. My main hope is the teenager will be as enthusiastic when we get there as she is now sitting inside. DH and I are sort of struggling for her soul- I ask her to go for a wlak and plan raising chickens and cats with her, he buys her computer and games and turns her into an addict like himself.
     

  3. Baskar

    Baskar Well-Known Member

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    1st Corinthians 7. First off, it says not only that wives submit to their husbands, but husbands submit to their wives as well. That area also talks about divorce. If your spouse is an unbeliever, it's best to try and work things out, but if worse comes to worst...then get a divorce. It is my understanding that the children will be sanctified through the believing parent. It is also my understanding that if you get a divorce, don't marry again. But then, many preachers have different views on that chapter. Don't have to take my word for it.

    Anywho, my mother had that same problem. We had a small farm when I was growing up and got out of it. About 5 years ago, my mother started growing hostas like crazy. Now we have too many to count and I can't stand em.

    They eventually grew on my father. And then recently, my neighbor had a population explosion of fowl and gave some to my father. Now we're in a fowl craze. Well, I've been in this "craze" since I can remember.

    Have you tried sitting him down and explained how you feel, what you want out of life and the future? He may not like where you're heading, but is he willing to stand behind/support you 100% of the way?
     
  4. mpillow

    mpillow Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Its my hobby like it or lump it.....

    I ask my dad and another Vetran friend of mine to work around the house and I pay them.

    I take care of the goats, chicks, children housework yardwork....and he drinks a beer and basks in his glory :boring: I got things to do....I have meaning and purpose and FRIENDS down in the barn ;)

    He says no and I do it anyway...."I'm not doing anything bad so I just thought I'd warn you I am getting 40 chickens a new goat and bring me home some free pallets from work and I nee the truck Wed. to pick up the new calf."

    And usually curiosity gets the better of my dad and my sister and "hey if I make dinner will you stay and help me with this or that"
     
  5. willow_girl

    willow_girl Very Dairy

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    What to do? Get a new husband! :yeeha:

    (Hey, it worked for me! :D )

    Not quite so easy to do it you have a part-time job and 3 kids to feed, though ... :(
     
  6. townmouse

    townmouse Well-Known Member

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    my two cents....

    You've made big changes in a short time, why not give him a chance to catch up?

    You could wait a year or two and then bring it up again.

    In our marriage, I would do that, and not even mention it. A year or two later I might say, "I saw a good deal on a cow, I'm thinking of buying it" and he would probably not care (especially if I'd already figured out how and where to keep it, etc)

    But I have a really, really great man and I would choose him over a cow any day of the week. I have a major life dream of homesteading too, but it would be dry ashes without Mike.

    your mileage may vary. Maybe one or both of you is trying to control the other?
     
  7. Terri

    Terri Singletree & Weight Loss & Permaculture Moderator Staff Member Supporter

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    DH takes no pleasure in outside activities, and I do not expect him to.

    It is enough that *I* like the chickens, and the eggs, and the tomatos. Until my recent illness (I have multiplke sclerosis) I only asked his help outside every year or two, and then for something quick and easy. (Please hold the side of the chickenhouse up while I nail it dear! It is already assembled and up, you just have to hold it so it doesn't shift while I hammer on it!) :haha:

    He might be more open to the idea if he understands that you really do NOT need his help. Because, when all is said and done, he doesn't really HAVE to like what you like. Share what you both enjoy, and let him KEEP his video games or his driving gloves, while you keep your trees and your gardening gloves. After all, why should he care what you do in your spare time?
     
  8. NWSneaky

    NWSneaky Well-Known Member

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    FWIW from my male view; a fundamental and REAL difference between men and women is that the male (mature ones at least) feel an overwhelming responsibility to financial survival while women care much more about emotion and 'love' needs and desires.

    Neither is 100% right nor wrong.

    Hopefully it becomes synergism.
     
  9. Conni

    Conni Well-Known Member

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    I dont think we know what we want sometimes. lol My dh is now saying he wants to continue living in town for awhile and not move to our property... He also talks about buying a sailboat and sailing around the world sometime. Then he talks about retiring in a home on the lake? Dh doesnt want me to work and doesnt want me to go back to school. HE said *maybe* when youngest is in school.

    I am expected to be wherever he wants to be. However, I am starting to feel like I want to move out to the country soon. I want some livestock to work with. I'd like to plant some blueberries or some apple trees and have a big garden, i'd like a horse someday.

    It doesnt look like dh and I want the same things by reading those 2 paragraphs. :(
     
  10. ellebeaux

    ellebeaux Well-Known Member

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    This sounds like a difficult struggle and actually makes me glad I'm still single.

    But I always think of marriage as a commitment to the partnership that is greater than the two of you alone. Compromise and consideration on both your parts is necessary. And, if done skilfully, can increase your love and respect for each other.

    Best of luck, I hope you find the answers you're looking for,

    Beaux
     
  11. crashy

    crashy chickaholic goddess

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    My hubby does not have much interest in the birds but he is coming around he likes to watch them in the yard but its my hobby and he knows if he wants to help he can anytime. I guess you just have to learn to compromise and work together. Some stuff he does I am not interested in but I do try and help him sometimes we seem to be able to do ok. I hope you get it worked out.
     
  12. Dave

    Dave Well-Known Member

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    Anyone who prefers storebought bread over home baked bread is crazy.
     
  13. Terri

    Terri Singletree & Weight Loss & Permaculture Moderator Staff Member Supporter

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    Connie, there is a book called "no risk farming" that you might enjoy reading. Basically, this gent rented some unused land between his home and his work, strung fence, and put young cattle on it. In the Fall he sold the cattle so that he didn't have to make hay.

    Because it was between his home and his work, he was able to check his stock daily with just a few minutes effort.

    Something to think about for after your youngest starts school. ;)
     
  14. BamaSuzy

    BamaSuzy Well-Known Member

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    My husband was raised on a hard-scramble farm (and even when he was in foster care for a couple of years he wound up working his butt off for the mean foster parents) so he doesn't really have a lot of interest in any of my homesteading interests....

    But I don't gripe when he goes off to play golf on Saturdays and he doesn't say too much about all my steadily-growing army of animals and my other pursuits....I started with Angora rabbits, then laying chickens and now goats....I've learned to spin (on a spinning wheel he bought me after I nearly died before emergency surgery a couple of years ago), I've learned to make goat milk soap, and I'm selling eggs faster than my chickens can lay them....so I just ordered 30 more chicks today....so that will give me a total of nearly 100....I'm also selling the goat milk soap and going to start selling bunny 'fertilizer.'

    When husband realized the chicken egg money was paying for not only their feed but some of the other animal's feed he seemed to think that was pretty neat....

    He has helped out a little but only begrudgingly....

    But last week he did help catch the goats to put them in the milk stand so a guy could cut their hooves for me (I can't do that with the billy goat still in there with his girls....)

    AND>>>>>>he's told all his friends about Harley, the billy goat, because Harley has the neatest personality.....I overheard him telling one of his GOLFING buddies on the phone that he needs to come up here and see Harley because he is so funny.....so.......

    Oh---And we did homeschool our last two children with his permission when he realized what a mess the public schools are in....AND he's sure has come around to a lot more of my Libertarian style thinking on government and a lot of other areas.....but this has been a growing process....

    He will never like all the things I do and just let's me do whatever I want on the homestead (I just finished fencing in a 65 x 40 feet new area for the Billy Goat and he has bragged on it to his friends!!!)

    Wednesday I actually wore a DRESS to go to a breakfast and pick up an award for my newspaper....I carried the award by where he was working to let him see it (and so he could see me) and when I stepped out of my little truck he took one look at me and said, "you don't look like you've been out building a goat pen now!"---so I took that as a compliment.....(hay---you take what you can get! HA!)

    So do things gradually and don't try to force him to change because then he never will, and he may never like all the things you do now either, but if he really really loves you, he won't stand in the way of your dreams either....best wishes! and love those little ones all you can while they're still little!
     
  15. BamaSuzy

    BamaSuzy Well-Known Member

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    Oh----and let me add---this was the same husband who in 1980 MADE FUN OF ME for writing a little newspaper column and earning $8.20 per week for it......and now I have a wall full of awards for my writing AND I'm the EDITOR of a weekly newspaper.....and could work just about whever I wanted.....

    I pursued my dreams as a writer AND a homesteader and I'm still working on them!
     
  16. pcdreams

    pcdreams Well-Known Member

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    seeing as how this was originally commented on in my thread, I hope you don't mind my 2 cents.

    My wife and I also have some disagreements about HOW we want things. Our goals are the same but we have different ideas of how to get there.

    she is more materialistic where as I could care less about money so long as there is food. Shelters taken care of..

    I've already started cutting back on use of electric and such. I also don't eat out often. She on the other hand eats fast food almost daily, I cook for us a few times a week. But thats ok, she's currently making the $$ while I finish school (This summer YEA!!).

    Once thats finished I'm planning on finding a job and saving every cent to get our land paid off, house built and well/septic in. She's ok with that because she's ready to get out of town also. Should be about 2 yrs.

    From what she tells me I think she'll like the country, hate the work, but feel better in the long run.

    We've got a large garden (for the city 25x50) this year and we're both enjoying working it. This is our second year and it's amazing how much you can learn in just a couple seasons.


    So it's really a matter of give and take.
     
  17. Kazahleenah

    Kazahleenah Disgruntled citizen

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    Why??? Because they were married... in a church of Christ, took certian vows and like it or lump it.... what each of them do IS the concern of the other!! Granted... my opinion is a husband of mine would know me well enough that he'f have been WELL aware of my lifestyle choice/nature well before marriage.....
    BUT.... just in case this isn't the fact here..... BE YOU!!!!



    Kaza
     
  18. MorrisonCorner

    MorrisonCorner Mansfield, VT for 200 yrs

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    I think the person who addressed the money issue is on to something, but I don't think it is specifically a "money issue" with most couples, so much as a "resource issue." Time, money, energy.. where do the resources go?

    When we first started "farming," or, rather, in our case, "re-farming" or bringing farming back to our farm, we were both into it with caveats: I did the garden, he harvested trees. I did the chickens, he cut rounds for splitting. We both split and slaughter as a joint chore. Heavy jobs we usually do together.

    Then came sheep. I think he thought he'd be a lot more into the sheep than he is, but everything with sheep takes twice as long as he expects it to and sheep are fraught with "mission creep." "Trim feet" turns into "and the fleece on that one, and treat the cut we've discovered, and this one needs worming..." which he finds very frustrating. He wants a specific task, no deviations, no surprises, to be done in a specific time frame.

    Notice we're talking "resource allocation" here.

    I'm getting frustrated because pretty much all we do, 24/7 is work or sleep. My work has started to spill over into long hours in the evening, as has his... there is simply no time to do something "fun." Even something as simple as going out for a movie.

    And have I mentioned it hasn't stopped raining in a month?!?

    So like the first poster should do, we need to sit down and decide what we need to push onto the back burner and what needs our attention right now... with space for a little fun thrown in there. The "something" that is going to be on the table is sheep. We will be culling ruthlessly this year: all my horned Icelandics, some with outrageous bloodlines, are going on the market, we are going to go straight polled. Not because we don't like horned (I love them) but because to keep the bloodlines strong and breed for the quality I want, I've got to run 4 breeding pens if I keep horns. If I roll to polled I can go with two.

    So, in short, I think you need to look at what you can do, what you want to do, and what your partner wants to do, and compromise.
     
  19. mamalisa

    mamalisa Well-Known Member

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    Ummmm....I divorced mine. Not sure that is an answer here, though the divorce was over more than cows.

    But before, if I wanted it and did the work for it, I had it. Of course, I had my own full-time job, so I really didn't ask for permission, either.

    We lived in suburbia and had a big garden, dogs and rescue dogs in foster, cut wood and restored a brush-eaten patch of woods....we being myself and the kids. He rode his bicycle. He didn't even mow the lawn.

    Now, however, the kids and I allocate resources to what we want to do. Right now, we have orphan kittens in the bathroom. I feed kitties, my daughter milks goats in the am(my usual job), we all feed stock, hang laundry and carry water so as to get done before work/school. I didn't get a beef calf this year 'cause they thought it might be too much.

    I have no trouble sharing decisions with those who share the work.
     
  20. mpillow

    mpillow Well-Known Member Supporter

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    "I have no trouble sharing decisions with those who share the work."

    Thats how I feel. My children also help. My husband buys a new hunting rifle or chainsaw or whatever he wants....I have complete faith in his ability to handle his finances....I handle my own and pay for my own hobby from my employment...He eats the meat my hobby puts on the table....I eat the meat his hunting rifle helps provide...I help stack wood cut by the chainsaw I can't even lift!!!

    I was not married in the church.... and I believe that women and men should be on an equal playing field ....I cant lift his chainsaw but he cant milk a goat or change a poopy diaper without becoming completly frustrated ....I do it daily without much thought.

    My husband has his virtues and his faults....and so do I. But if he knows the goats make me happy and I know the hunting rifle makes him happy and we can afford it then we say " Its not how I'd spend my time and money but if you want it get it."
    He doesnt expect me to clean the rifle and put it away in the gun safe and I dont expect him to milk.

    Animals do tie you down but my husband spends the whole month of November hunting and I think if we added up hours spent on hobbies and productivity of them...we'd be equal with the goats of course there is always milk and meat for the family....hunting is not always productive (meat ) but always nourishing for hubby's soul. The goats nourish mine.

    One lump or two ??? ;)