If you need a laugh this might help.

Discussion in 'Homesteading Questions' started by Star In N.C., Aug 2, 2006.

  1. Star In N.C.

    Star In N.C. Well-Known Member

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    For those with no children - this is totally hysterical...

    For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

    For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

    For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

    For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control...

    The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

    Things I've learned from my Boys (honest)...

    1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.

    2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

    3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

    4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

    5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

    6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

    7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh" it's already too late.

    8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

    9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

    10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

    11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

    12. Super glue is forever.

    13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

    14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

    15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

    16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

    17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

    18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

    19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

    20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

    21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

    22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

    23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

    24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

    25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
     
  2. Star In N.C.

    Star In N.C. Well-Known Member

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    Here are some more jokes.
    Things you would never know if it weren't for the movies...

    Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

    One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

    Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

    It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

    When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

    If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

    Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.

    Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

    During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

    All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

    All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

    It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

    If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

    The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

    You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

    Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

    A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

    If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

    If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.

    Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

    All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

    A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

    If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.

    Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

    When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
     

  3. BillyGoat

    BillyGoat Well-Known Member

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    Both hilarious list!! LOL

    Oh and the one about the french bread in the grocery bags, it is always a 'paper' sack or wicker basket!! Not one of those darn plastic things loaded down with 15 cans of veggies. LOL
     
  4. jassytoo

    jassytoo Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Those are both hysterical! :) Well, except Nos 10 and 15 on the first post. Guess how I know! :rolleyes:
     
  5. BellsBunnies

    BellsBunnies Well-Known Member

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    Great Lists!

    Unfortunely I know a few of them are true.
     
  6. ScorpionFlower

    ScorpionFlower Insanity prevails

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    Yes, superglue IS permenant!!! All you have to do is look at my brand new kitchen flooring to tell. The kitchen counter hasn't been replaced yet at least. I'm still trying to learn WHAT they were trying to glue to both places!

    Oh, add to that list...

    Cats don't like to be put inside the toilet.

    Maxipads are NOT stickers!

    Kittens are NOT meant to be blue, albiet funny to look at.

    It only takes 5 minutes to catch and color 6 kittens with a blue marker.

    When they say PERMENANT markers, them mean permenant. Just ask the kittens.

    Cats were not meant to fly.

    It takes exactly 4 bags of cereal to fill up a toilet.

    You can make international calls on a fax machine.

    Never leave 3 little girls alone upstairs with a baby doll stroller.

    You can get a fractured arm from being pushed down the stairs.

    The dog will eat barbie shoes, but it's not advisable.
     
  7. MorrisonCorner

    MorrisonCorner Mansfield, VT for 200 yrs

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    Ok, ok... I'm feeling better about not being able to conceive!

    And dang... there is coffee on the monitor...
     
  8. fordson major

    fordson major construction and Garden b Supporter

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    i am blessed with teenagers and a short memory, do hear that grand kids are way more fun, feed chocolate and soda pop stir pot and send home too mom and dad! :rolleyes: :baby04: hope it's a long time till i get too try this! :help:


    24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. this on the other hand!!! front burner!!! :cool:


    sent something like this too friends and they still had kids, then said they shoulda listened! (whats sleep???)
     
  9. barnyardfun

    barnyardfun Happy Homemaker Supporter

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    Oh you poor thing!! :p Those are too funny and I hope to never experiance them!! :help:
     
  10. moopups

    moopups In Remembrance

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    So how much brake fluid to how much bleach?
     
  11. jehehmeyer

    jehehmeyer Longing for home!

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    #24 is EXACTLY right! I'll try it this weekend.
     
  12. ann

    ann Well-Known Member

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    Ya get a better explosion with "the works" and aluminum foil.
     
  13. tinknal

    tinknal Well-Known Member Supporter

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    There has to be a practical use for this. Will it unclod a toilet? Burn off a rusted bolt? Blast a pond?

    A curious world needs to know!
     
  14. morrowsmowers

    morrowsmowers Well-Known Member

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    Here's what you can expect:

    http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2733459?showw=no&refsite=6167&htv=12

    Ken & Sue in Glassboro, NJ :)
     
  15. ladycat

    ladycat Chicken Mafioso Staff Member

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    This is REAL LIFE! LOL!
     
  16. longshadowfarms

    longshadowfarms Well-Known Member

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    Bwahahahaha!!!!! Soooooo glad I'm not eating or drinking right now! I thought my #2 son was bad! LOL!! He's started the neighbor's field on fire, sucked water with my vaccuum cleaner to see what might happen, gotten more stitches than I can count, been stung by bees more times than I can count (he's allergic), tries to ride most of our cows and has tied the pigs tails together but I will NOT read your post to him to give him more ideas! Fortunately I'm just about out of the realm of these posts. Heading into the teen years for better or for worse :help: There are advantages and disadvantages to having survived so far. Can't wait for grandkids to pass along the mother's curse: I hope you have children just like you!
     
  17. RachAnn in NW Okla

    RachAnn in NW Okla Well-Known Member

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    Here is another video you may want to watch before you decide to let them do it!!!!

    http://eepybird.com/dcm1.html#featured-video

    as to most of the kiddie topics? I laugh because I have a 5yo who thankfully hasnt figured out too many of those but enough of her own....(none of which I can remember right now....must be part of those "too-painful-so-the-mind-blocked-it thoughts!!!!) Yeah my kid is definitely no :angel:

    she looks more like :flame: along with BWAHAHAHAHa

    :help:
    Rachel
     
  18. MorrisonCorner

    MorrisonCorner Mansfield, VT for 200 yrs

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    Ok, this is so totally cool I'm going out and buying a couple cases of coke. In the "corrupt a kid" department this is simply AWESOME!

    Ok.. now I need a couple of kids...

    with a change of clothes...
     
  19. Jillis

    Jillis Well-Known Member

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    LOL! I like the question posed on the Mento/Diet Soda site...

    "So is it dangerous to drink soda and eat Mentos?"

    and

    "Do not, repeat, do not be stupid and test the limits of your stomach. Don't even think about it."

    BTW, I am reporting all you cat owners to PETA immediately!
     
  20. famer_manda

    famer_manda I Love CHICKENS!

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    Hmmm bleach and brake fluid... that is even intriging to me