Homesteading Forum banner

1 - 16 of 16 Posts

·
writing some wrongs
Joined
·
6,873 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
....as Greta Garbo said!

Maybe it's because this is summertime, the kids are home from school (and I've been enjoying the time they spend there, heehee!), not spending a lot of time with their friends.... I love my children dearly, love spending time with them and doing fun things together, but I need some time apart too. Lately it's just been really getting on my nerves, the noise, the constant interruptions, and I feel such an intense craving for SOLITUDE.

This isn't your garden-variety "mom needs a break." I've been craving Big Time Aloneness. I don't want to be with ANYBODY. I want to be in my office/sewing room with the door shut, sewing or maybe web-surfing. I want to be alone in my room (which isn't just mine of course, DH sleeps there too) reading a book. I want to GO somewhere by myself without having to make excuses or rationalize why nobody needs to come with me or the errand can't wait. I swear it feels like I'm on house arrest sometimes, the world comes crashing to a halt if I step out for an hour.

I had a couple books to read for work, sort of "business education" material, plus I was reading the Harry Potter book, and it was insane how difficult it was for me to sit and read those books. I'd pick it up and a kid would want me to "come here and see this" or DH would come in and start talking to me, a kid would want to watch TV (we have a living room and family room with TV's and couches but they want to be where I am, they're like paperclips on a magnet.)

There's a quilt show out of town, not too far, but I would really love to go to it and it makes me sad that I can't. It wouldn't be such a hardship, DH would have to spend the day with the kids on his own, that's all. But he'd get all huffy about me wanting to do it alone, never mind that nobody else gives a rat's heinie about quilts but me, but I'd have to drag the kids along and listen to them whine the whole day instead while DH did something he considered productive like mow the lawn which is obviously more important than mom taking a solitary day trip to see some quilts. (sigh)

But mostly it's that he couldn't understand why I'd want to go alone. He never does anything alone. Till recently we couldn't seem to do anything as a family without him inviting a bunch of other people to go with us. Wanna go to the zoo? Let's call up so-and-so and see if they want to come too. He'd expect me to at least bring my mom. Mom isn't in any condition to go right now, but I'm not sure I'd want to bring her anyway, not because I wouldn't want to bring her...I just want to go ALONE!

I used to do stuff alone all the time before I got married. I'd go out and see bands play at nightclubs, go to parks, go shopping, etc. ALONE. I liked it. When you take people along everything takes twice as long because you have to wait for them, they never want to do what you want to do...

Reminds me of a big fight we had right after DD was born. She was about two weeks old and I had this intense desire to go OUT. Without the baby. DH was home, he wasn't doing anything, he wasn't afraid of babies or anything, it shouldn't have been a problem for me to head out for an hour or so just to go shopping or something but you'd have thought I was going to leave for a week considering the response I got. I went anyway and he made me feel guilty for quite some time, as if I was abandoning my baby or something.

Maybe this is an Aspie thing? I don't know. I'm an only child, that's probably it. I like being with people, but I need to be alone too. And I haven't had much of that lately. Am I weird? Selfish? Maybe. :(
 

·
Nohoa Homestead
Joined
·
5,398 Posts
edayna said:
....as Greta Garbo said!
Am I weird? Selfish? Maybe. :(
Nope you just appreciate your own company. Come on over to my house, there is always lots of solitude available and it's quiet!

I can relate! I'd go nuts with a lot of noise and bustle all the time.

donsgal
 

·
member
Joined
·
23,497 Posts
I started doing this the last few years. If I see something interesting I want to do, I just go by myself. At first everyone thought it was odd, but now they are used to it. Start with little things and build up. Eventually you will get to go away for 3-4 hours! LOL

I like to take drives in the country with my camera, park, walk and take pictures. I like to go to the beach and read. I like to go to the library. I go to quilt shows, and have started going to festivals that feature things I want to see. I have yet to attend a movie, concert or play alone, but that is coming soon.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,019 Posts
Well, lets see, my hubby was on the road for 21 years, not home over 2 weeks a year--and that tome was broken into a day here or there.
Then, he got hurt and had to get off the truck, found out he has brain cancer, now Alz. Its now been 7 years of NEVER a moment alone, he has to be by my side, or able to see me theu a window 24/7. Stands outside the bathroom door taking to me for reassurance that I'm still there On the phone? he talks into one ear, when I have the phone to the other. So, is it any wonder the Dr. wants to put ME on pills--just cause my B/P is rising, I'm breaking out in Shingles--LOL you guys just dont realize what togetherness means!!-----Or being alone--
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
15,516 Posts
For goodness sakes and for your sanity, GO! Go to that quilt show or to the movies or for a ride or whatever.

DH will huff and puff and the kids will whine that you went away without them but they will get over it!

The less you pay attention to the huffing and puffing and whining, the sooner they get over it!
 

·
bunny slave
Joined
·
4,389 Posts
Ardie/WI said:
The less you pay attention to the huffing and puffing and whining, the sooner they get over it!
This is just the truth. Why people cave in to bratty behavior and then moan about how the bratty behavior continues, I will never understand.

If you want something, go get it, and don't let anybody stop you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
766 Posts
Here's how it is in my house-

Both of my kids have plenty of places that they go in the summertime; Oh to be that popular... The trouble is that they never seem to be gone at the same time and I mean never.

Daughter one will just be returning from an outing with a friend just as Daughter two heads out the door to her library book club. As Daughter two walks in the door from the book club meeting, Daughter one is now accepting an invitation to bike to the swimming hole. And so it goes. Heaven forbid they ever be invited to sleep away from home on the same night!

I too have strong cravings for alone time in my own house, but I kinda give up on the whole idea once summer arrives...
 

·
Milk Maid
Joined
·
2,873 Posts
Ah edayna... I was one of six children. I still need alone time sometimes. And I know EXACTLY what you mean.. sometimes it all just gets to me and I need to get away. DO IT! For your own sanity :D

I get away to the library, or just even to go browsing at a store for a little bit. Just some time to be alone with my thoughts and not have to worry about anyone but myself for a little bit. :) My DH thought it was odd at the start, but has accepted it and is now pretty good about taking charge of everything so I can get away for a while. It's not often that I do it either, but I always come back feeling recharged :D
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,860 Posts
Do not ask - tell - I am going to the quilt show! You will have to take care of the children. I am leaving at X time. Then leave!

They won't die, you may get some static, but it sounds like you're in need of asserting yourself.

Trade time with friends to take the children. Send them to church camp. Drop them off at the Y. Be creative. When my door is closed, let the chldren know that is "MY TIME" & unless it's blood, they're to stay away until X time. (be specific about the time, then do it)

Interruptions like you describe are boundary issues & children need to be taught that everyone has boundaries.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
567 Posts
Yes, just schedule it like an ordinary thing. Perhaps say, "There is a quilt show Saturday in Hooterville. I want to go from 9-5, then I thought when I got home we would make homemade pizza together. " If he wants to go, just say, " I really want to focus on how these were made, I have been trying to learn about them and the kids won't want to be there that long. They would have much more fun here with you. "
I know what you mean about your husband not understanding about why you would want to go alone. And it sounds exactly like mine when he invites other people everywhere you go. You mentioned sticking to you like paperclips to a magnet. I have gone into a closet to put laundry away, and turned around and could not get out of the closet because my DH had followed me in there. One day I was sweeping the driveway and he pulled up a chair just to watch me. He must be where I am all of the time. Now, I love him to pieces, and after 13 years I am getting used to it, but not everyone's DH is like that.

I will go out to the stores alone in the evening after the baby is asleep. Like from 7-9. It gives me a break, and he doesn't care. Try some baby steps and they will get used to it.

Good Luck!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,897 Posts
Not allowing yourself to be held hostage to other people’s emotional disorders means liberation. Freedom to me is the ability to go off by myself sometimes. I even backpacked through Europe alone! Everyone thought I was so strange for doing that and even stranger for living alone for nearly 20 years before getting married in my late 30s.

Granted, I have not had a lot of that type of freedom since becoming a mother. My ex only takes both kids for a day at a time and then usually only while I am at work. He only likes to take DD12 overnight now as DD14 has behavioral problems (she talks back, can you imagine a teenager having the nerve to do that?! Also she is not tidy and his girl friend likes her apt. kept just so).

I really think it is benficial for your mental health to get away from it all and clear out the cobwebs routinely. What is it about some families that they think you exist just to be their audience and to be available 24/7 in case they misplace something?
 

·
Nohoa Homestead
Joined
·
5,398 Posts
I have read some of the replies here and I tell you, these days going places alone is so dangerous. So many people turn up missing every year (thousands, truly), because they went someplace alone and someone whacked them on the head or kidnapped them at gunpoint/knifepoint.

Call me paranoid but I hardly go any place alone these days. Especially someplace isolated or where there aren't a lot of other people around. Heck, the most common place to get abducted is a parking lot! (where there ARE other people around!)

I wish the world were a safe enough place to not have to worry about being alone, but it really isn't. I hate that it isn't, but I wouldn't risk it, myself.

donsgal
 

·
writing some wrongs
Joined
·
6,873 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
Donsgal, I agree with you, and it just kills me (no pun intended!) that being alone is so dangerous. I know I've done my share of dangerous solo excursions. Just taking a walk in the woods is dangerous. I once had some weirdo in a pickup truck proposition me while walking in the park alone -- fortunately I sped up and ignored him, and he went away.

I am not, however, afraid to go on a drive out of town by myself to Berea, KY to see a quilt show. :D I might be afraid without my cell phone, though.

Also, I do think a lot of the reason it's so hard for me to go someplace alone is because of the danger factor. My parents had a hizzy about it when I was younger, now it's probably why DH won't "let me" now.

But when school is back in session, there's nothing to stop me. :) At least as long as I'm home by 2:30! :D
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,230 Posts
E IIRC you have young children. When mine were young esp when nursing I would get so SICK of being constantly touched- I mean we love them so much and love cuddling but when the kids were asleep and DH would put his arm around me I'd cringe sometimes. Too MUCH physical contact. Now I even miss it (from the kids- don't worry about DH!) and am once again (youngest 6) willing to hold a baby in my arms- took a few years before it appealed to me again. And how nice now the youngest is 6 and we have a larger home where she can safely vanish for a while to be able to go potty or get on the telephone without someone needing me before I am done (they still wander in and out but it's no longer the magnet to come bother me it used to be and I no longer feel like I should drive into town to have privacy to potty).

Other issue is your DH has some issues to feel neglected and abandoned if you need space/privacy/to do anything you like without having to be fulltime mother/wife at same time, and to always want outsiders to join you on outings. So don't humor him too much or he may get worse.

Does he work outside the home? If so please point out to him that after his 8-12 hours away he misses you all and is happy to come home to be with you, and that YOU would like a chance to go away for a few hours to do something and then actually miss the kids (and him) instead of your current state, of never even getting any time off from your fulltime job. He can not possibly imagine how you feel unless he stayed home full time for a few years while you left to work 40 hours weekly, and then like him didn't ever assume 100% parental responsibility when he was home on weekends and evenings.

Please go to the Quilt show. If you must make a date with an outside friend and say you'd rather go with just her. Might help donsgal be less nervous and your DH if this is an issue for him.

Good luck...
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,751 Posts
When, I was a stay at home mom with little ones, Dh would give me "Mom's day out" every week. I could go anywhere, do anything and he was responsible for the kids. I could choose the day/evening it was mine! NO hassles, whinning, huffing and puffing. Some days, I just went to the lg. town next to us and went to the book store to look at books that interested me, groc. shop, shop for clothes, or go to my junk antique stores! Other times, I would go into my sewing room/craftroom , close the door and turn on the record player (yes, it was along time ago) and it was MY time. NO interruptions. It didn't cost a penny but the kids and dh would fend for themselves of 2-3hrs! Many times, I used this time to soak in the tub and read before bedtime and dh would bathe/feed and read to the kids!

Try a set time/day that is yours and everyone will learn...You can't be everything to everyone and still be you! QB
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
203 Posts
my folks came for a picnic a couple of weeks ago. mom whispered to me... "just take him away for 5 minutes so i can just sit here by myself." i managed seven.
 
1 - 16 of 16 Posts
Top