I think I figured out daughter being stand-offish

Discussion in 'Countryside Families' started by AngieM2, Jan 20, 2007.

  1. AngieM2

    AngieM2 Big Front Porch advocate

    Messages:
    44,854
    Joined:
    May 10, 2002
    I think some of you will remember me mentioning a couple of months of so back, that youngest married daughter - 3 little ones is not wanting me around cause she's sensing a bad spirit. Not anything I've done, etc.

    Seemed to start about August when last baby was born, before that - I was about the only babysitter they'd trust so they could go out at night some.

    I had a lightbulb go off last night - I'm figuring the direct speak ladies (and gents) here will tell me if they think I'm probably correct....

    Here's what I just figured out,
    I had called her last night to see about seeing them this weekend, but she's trying to get hubby to take her out of town.... (avoiding me is what it felt like).

    I'm working at son-in-law's genreator shop, went full time and real job about 1st of Sept.

    Here's what I'm figuring... and I don't think she conciously knows it, cause it didn't dawn on me until last night.

    I'm too much in her space. I'm knowing too much about their business business. I got to thinking about me having my mom knowing too much of my business and I don't think I'd like it, but still love my mom. I think this may be the root of the feeling.

    I've been thinking of looking back into a corp job regular hire/or contract due to more $$$ (I'm working for barely enough for me now), and insurance being available in a group purchase (no insurance now). I'm about to have lots of dental work done, so need extra $$ anyway.

    So, I'm thinking now of updating resume, and contacting a couple of contract companies that usually have longish contracts, or contracts to hire... and seeing about becoming JUST Mom again.

    also, the work I'm doing at generator shop could probably be done by someone else for less $$ to gen shop with the exception of a few financial things (s-i-l put me as a sign on bank accts, and I do payroll).... I could still do payroll for him one evening a week until he got someone else -

    So, do you think the too much in their life is a probable cause of trying to be more distance?

    Hmmmm
    Angie
     
  2. melina

    melina Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    266
    Joined:
    May 10, 2002
    It's certainly a possibility. I know I'd feel crowded a bit by it. But to attribute it to a bad spirit is a little immature. Maybe time for a candid heart-to-heart with her?
     

  3. luvrulz

    luvrulz Well-Known Member Supporter

    Messages:
    3,232
    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2005
    Location:
    Kentucky
    Take her to lunch and ask her! She might just surprise you and her both! It does make sense to me that maybe you were too involved and she might need some space, you know? Ask her if she'd mind if you looked for another job outside the family, etc, etc.
     
  4. Ravenlost

    Ravenlost Well-Known Member Supporter

    Messages:
    24,572
    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2004
    Location:
    MS
    You need a better job with insurance regardless of the daughter situation!
     
  5. crashy

    crashy chickaholic goddess

    Messages:
    2,740
    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2004
    Location:
    Vancouver,Washington
    Ya know...that is a pretty good possibility. I had my mom help me last year at my face painting booth. She did great but she knew my biz and my money and stuff. At first it was kinda weird but then I thought hey this is my mom and she can know my money biz its really something that should not be so personal especially to your own mom but, I can understand why you think that way.
    Some folks keep money stuff secret.
     
  6. FiddleKat

    FiddleKat Mother,Artist, Author Supporter

    Messages:
    3,532
    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2004
    Location:
    East Tennessee
    Its possible with the space thing.
    I know my dad lived with us for a couple of months, and although I love him dearly!! He nearly drove me nuts!!! We technically have only a two bed. two bath house, and our family room is where he was staying. So we were a bit cramped for space and he was accoustomed to living on his own for nearly 50 years. That to suddenly live in someone else's house and not be able to do things the way he wanted was tough!! We would get on each other nerves constantly.
    Now that he has his own house around the corner, he visits everyday and babysits often and there is so much harmony now!!
     
  7. Ardie/WI

    Ardie/WI Well-Known Member Supporter

    Messages:
    15,516
    Joined:
    May 10, 2002
    I agree with Ravenlost AND I think that you're on to something.

    Mother/daughter relations sometimes are just plain strange anyway.

    I also think she went though some transition and needed to feel in control of something and she chose her children's relationship with you.
     
  8. ellebeaux

    ellebeaux Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,354
    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2004
    Location:
    Virginia
    Yup. And good for you for realizing it. I do think it would be helpful to bring it up with her, just to let her realize that it's okay to have uncomfortable feelings and you can talk them out together.
     
  9. sancraft

    sancraft Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,961
    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2002
    Location:
    Georgia
    It may have something to do with it, but she did the same thing with baby 1 and baby 2 and you weren't working of sil then. Maybe it's hormones going crazy after the babies. They are so close, she's had a lot of hormone highs and lows in a short period of time.
     
  10. Tracy Rimmer

    Tracy Rimmer CF, Classroom & Books Mod Supporter

    Messages:
    9,936
    Joined:
    May 9, 2002
    Location:
    Manitoba, Canada
    Angie -- it might be a combination of things. I think that you said something about her suffering from baby blues? Could be a mild case of that, along with her feeling a little crowded (and Mum knowing too much of her business, as you said) along with -- and you said they have three kids, so this is what got me thinking it -- a little bit of jealousy that you are getting the "best" of her DH -- you see him when he's "fresh", during the day -- you spend all that time with him at the office (the way she sees it -- despite the fact that you probably see less of him than she does), time she doesn't get --- and when he gets home in the evening, she's probably exhausted (as is he) and she may feel that YOU are getting the "best" part of him.

    Jealousy can be felt subconsciously. Maybe it's a combination of all of these feelings, and maybe a bit of a feeling of helplessness along with it. You're a strong and independent woman -- that can be a bit intimidating and an overwhelming act to follow for a young, tired, baby-blues-suffering young lady.
     
  11. js2743

    js2743 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    845
    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2006
    Location:
    scott county, virginia
    Sounds like to me she is going crazy or already is. maybe ya need to talk to ur sil she may need help and if ya wait it might be to late. its been in the news before of moms doing some crazy things, she might harm her kids and not really mean to. talking about spirits isnt normal, so sounds like there may be a mental problem. i would suggest talking to her hubby and getting her to a doctor something isnt right about that comment IMO.
     
  12. Tricky Grama

    Tricky Grama Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    31,762
    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2006
    Location:
    N. E. TX
    Angie M2-

    I bet you've hit the nail on the head. I'm pretty non-confrontaional, but I wouldn't talk to her about it. I think she'd deny it, for a variety of reasons & then there may be more alientation.

    Patty
     
  13. AngieM2

    AngieM2 Big Front Porch advocate

    Messages:
    44,854
    Joined:
    May 10, 2002
    Thanks for the comments. I think she's coming out of the "blues" cause I know her friends are visiting and such. And calling other relatives.

    But, I've tried to think what I would feel if my mom had been in the business, and I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with it.

    I'll probably be taking steps to get the corp type job again, and just tell them due to money and insurance...

    I don't know that she'd be in a mind-set to talk about it.

    I guess we all live and learn.

    Angie
     
  14. Horselover

    Horselover Joyce

    Messages:
    371
    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2006
    Location:
    Eastern Shore, Maryland
    Angie,
    I don't want to say anything bad about your daughter for I know you love her dearly. But, Honey, I think you need to just stop and notice this child has always been a tad different about anything that is going on. She did not want for you to humor your grandson etc. Just ignore her ways. She cannot help how she is. But, I would change jobs as soon as possible. But, talk it over with who hired you, not your daughter. She does not need to know yet what you are planning.
    A daughter should not treat her mother any way, but with love, patience, and caring thoughts and be so grateful to have one like you. Just telling what I think. Joyce
     
  15. prairiegirl

    prairiegirl Well-Known Member Supporter

    Messages:
    1,002
    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2004
    Angie, I read this the other day, but didn't have any suggestions. (I really should have posted just to let you know you have my support and prayers.)
    Anyway, when I came on tonight and saw the title again, it hit me that maybe it was something with her after the birth of the baby. She just might be overwhelmed. And who do we usually take out our frustrations? The one person closest to us that loves us unconditionally - Mom.

    It may be a combination of many things. Your thoughts may be at the heart of things. Hope you find a new job and most importantly, peace with your daughter.

    prairiegirl
     
  16. insocal

    insocal Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,013
    Joined:
    May 14, 2005
    Location:
    Southern California
    A new mom talking about "bad spirits" and getting standoffish is a MAJOR RED FLAG for postpartum psychosis to me. Remember Andrea Yates who drowned all her kids? It sounds positively delusional to me.

    Please have a serious look at the situation and discuss this possibility with her husband. Please.

    Maybe I'm just neurotic, but I went through a mom going off the deep end when I was 17 and the trouble signs were there ahead of time but we didn't recognize them.........
     
  17. AngieM2

    AngieM2 Big Front Porch advocate

    Messages:
    44,854
    Joined:
    May 10, 2002
    The "spirit" is just a negative or such feeling that she was getting when I was around.

    But, the hubby is taking a lot of responsibility in being a Dad, and he works like 5 minutes or less from home, and is in and out during the day and is very active with the children and daughter/wifey.

    Angie
     
  18. sancraft

    sancraft Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,961
    Joined:
    Jun 7, 2002
    Location:
    Georgia
    Wow insocal, when I told my sister that "someone on HT. I didn't say who." was going through this situation, her first comment was the she hoped this wasn't another Andrea Yates. Maybe D should take up a hobby class or do some volunteering 1-2 days a week to give her a break. I'm sure being home all day with 3 children under 5 and 2 in diapers has got to be a bit overwhelming and tiresome. We women, once we become mommies, have to remember that we are a person in our own right outside of being wife and mommy. And the best thing a mom can do for her children is to take care of herself.
     
  19. Jillis

    Jillis Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    2,680
    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2005
    Location:
    Northeast Kingdom of Vermont
    Snicker. That's funny!

    I talk about spirits quite a bit.

    BTW, it is very common in fundamental Christian circles to worry about bad spiritual influences, even from loved family members...sometimes we outgrow it, sometimes we don't.

    It wasn't nice to actually say so to Mom, IMO, but hey...it's no Andrea Yates thing. Andrea Yate's demons were telling her to kill her kids, this mom is worried (she says) about protecting her kids.

    But it is probably more a combination of things, including what Angie has put ber finger on...give it a try Angie, maybe you could use a little distance too.
    My MIL ran my dh's business before we married. I practically had to pry it our of her hands when the time came.