husband trials again

Discussion in 'Countryside Families' started by greenacres, Nov 17, 2006.

  1. greenacres

    greenacres Well-Known Member

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    Some of you know that I made my husband leave a few months ago because he wouldn't take "no" for an answer and I didn't want to hear the yelling and fighting for hours so I would give in. I let him come back home in June. Things were great. Now they are falling apart again. He doesn't want me to say "no" and then is frustrated at me because I am not into it as he is. He has gotten to the point now that if I ask him to move his hands off of me as i am trying to go to sleep he gets angry at me and asks "what does it matter if my hands are there?" I just say "yeah it doesn't matter." I will admit that I have had some depression issues that I didn't want to admit and wasn't the best of housekeeper to his or my usual standards. This he throws in my face when I say no. So, I feel guilty and go ahead with things. I am working out and have changed some things are my depression issues are subsiding. I have more energy now and am changing things. Now, he questions me about normal things like buying baby wipes. For example, he was running in the store to get some pictures and I asked him to pick up a box of baby wipes. He asked why, do we need them? Well, duh!! We have 3 kids. I don't know how to talk to him about this. He says I need to take care of his needs. Am I too the point that I need to ask him if I say no is he going to leave. I don't want it to come to that. Please give me any advice. Thank you.
     
  2. sisterpine

    sisterpine Goshen Farm Supporter

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    Marriage counseling? Seldom in a marriage is the sex drive equally alloted. Sex is actually a wonderful but small part of a loving relationship and everyone needs to be allowed to say "no thanks". Buy your husband some lotion, gift him with a back rub and let him finish the rest? I strongly urge talking to someone in person though. Just my two cents, sis
     

  3. nodak3

    nodak3 Well-Known Member Supporter

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    You may have already done this, but before counselling or divorce court, be sure and get a thorough physical. Lot's of physical maladies and various hormone upsets can both kill libido and cause depression.
     
  4. frazzlehead

    frazzlehead AppleJackCreek Supporter

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    Problems in the bedroom are almost always a symptom of problems elsewhere.

    You don't owe anyone - not even a husband - any 'service' in that particular regard: this is a gift that is supposed to be given freely in love, given by both partners to one another - not taken from one by the other. If you haven't got it in you to give, you haven't got it in you to give. Don't give what you haven't got - it hurts you deeply even if it feels like the easy way out at the time. (I know this from personal experience.)

    You need to find someone you can talk to - you need to see a counsellor on your own - if your husband will go with you, great, but you for sure need someone to help you think this all through.

    PM me if you like - been in a similar situation and would be happy to help if I can.
     
  5. Tracy Rimmer

    Tracy Rimmer CF, Classroom & Books Mod Supporter

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    If what you're saying is really the way it's going (your perception may be very, very different from his) then I have to say that you are married to the most selfish man alive. He "guilts" you into "servicing" him? And you let him?

    Perhaps the first thing you ought to do is ask yourself if you really want to be married to a man who would treat ANYONE like that, much less the woman he promised to LOVE, HONOR and CHERISH. You ask him to not touch you, that you're not feeling like being touched and he comes back with "what does it matter if I put my hands there"? I'd be telling him it mattered, because it's *MY* body and I get to decide if I want to be touched, no one else.

    You owe this man nothing. You are not a prostitute who "owes" him use of her body because he "supports" you -- you're his wife, and due some respect. Perhaps that's something you need to convince yourself of before you can convince him.

    If he doesn't respect your decision when you say "NO", then he is raping you. Pure and simple, and he's using your depression against you by manipulating YOU to feel guilty about it. So long as you continue to allow him to, he'll continue to take advantage of you, sexually and emotionally. Ask yourself, would you want your daughter suffering what he's doing to you with HER spouse? Of course not, so why allow it to happen to you?
     
  6. Ardie/WI

    Ardie/WI Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I agree with Tracy 150%!

    If my husband treated me like that I'd buy him a subscription to Playboy and send him on his way.
     
  7. lgslgs

    lgslgs Well-Known Member

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    If you had a sister or a dear friend in a similar situation, what would you advise them to do?

    There's your answer.

    Lynda
     
  8. AngieM2

    AngieM2 Big Front Porch advocate

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    My EX husband had a problem like that...

    Angie
     
  9. RedTartan

    RedTartan Icelandic Sheep Supporter

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    I don't have enough information to give you advice.

    I don't know how often you're "giving in". If you're only letting him once or twice a month, I'd say you're in the wrong. Sex is part of marriage. I think it's reasonable to expect to have sex regularly if you're married.

    I think you should go to the doctor to see if there is anything wrong with you. If your tests come back negative, maybe you could ask the doctor for a prescription for... Cialis? The female Viagra.

    You have the right to be respected. Your husband has the right to have his needs met by his wife. You guys need to find a middle ground.

    RedTartan
     
  10. Melissa

    Melissa member

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    You know, there were many times when the kids were all little and I would be breastfeeding one or more of them and people touching me all day long and times when I did not even have time to get a shower by myself and honestly, I just wasn't in the mood. But he was! And he loved me even though I did not even have time to feel beautiful or desirable. I figured if it was something that was so important to him and I loved him then I went along with him even though I did not really want to. And most of the time it was OK that I did and a lot of the time it was great.

    So I guess what I am saying is that it is fairly normal when you are so busy with young children to not always want your husband when he wants you. But if you have a general love for him, it won't hurt to go along with him once in a while even if you aren't exactly in the mood. For men, love can be very physical, it is how they show they care. If he knows you won't always say no, he can relax and let it go sometimes.
     
  11. SteveD(TX)

    SteveD(TX) Well-Known Member

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    I agree. Sounds like you just don't enjoy sex. Do you ever initiate it? If you are just "letting him" and you don't enjoy it, perhaps a visit to a doc is in order. I would consider my marriage to be in serious trouble if my wife didn't enjoy sex, and regularly turned me down.
     
  12. Peacock

    Peacock writing some wrongs Supporter

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    Red Tartan did not mean UNreasonable.

    Yes, it's reasonable to expect sex regularly when you are married.

    But it is unreasonable to expect it JUST BECAUSE you are married. You still have to deserve it by the way you treat your spouse.

    Going by just her side...how on earth is she supposed to be in the mood when she's being treated with a complete lack of respect? This isn't necessarily hormonal; it's a normal reaction to feeling unloved. It's an endless cycle.
     
  13. LvDemWings

    LvDemWings Well-Known Member

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    Why not try taking time before bed just to pamper yourself and relax. Take a nice long hot shower or a bubble bath with a glass of wine and while your in there remember how, when and where his touch was pleasurable. Don't be embarased by allowing things to get vivid. If there was never a time like that then use your mind to create one. Then call him to bed and tell him what you were thinking of. Go into detail and ask him to do those things to you. This will set up you calling more of the shots, while allowing him to feel like a man and re-establish (or establish) his touch as pleasant. If he isn't doing something right you have to be vocal enough to tell him.

    In time he should be more comfortable on those nights when your just not in the mood. If he can't cut you any slack ever than I would suggest counseling to help you talk and listen to one another. Its hard to get past previous wrongs especially in the bedroom.
     
  14. bostonlesley

    bostonlesley Guest

    It sounds to me as far as this particular situation goes that the entire key lies in one sentence.."I don't know how to talk to him about this." and more than likely, he has no clue how to talk to you about "this" either. Without the ability to REALLY communicate with one another, nothing has any chance of being resolved. IMHO, it makes no sense at all to be spending time trying to figure out who is at fault..him, you..both of you..pointing fingers doesn't fix the problem. What DOES fix the problem is learning how to discuss it..how to talk and how to listen. Only then can the two of you have any idea what's truly going on between you, and then take mutually-agreed upon steps to make it better. It's NOT your fault that you don't know how to talk WITH him about this, anymore than being depressed was your fault..and it's not HIS fault that he doesn't know how to talk WITH you either, anymore than being frustrated was his fault..people "feel" the way that they "feel". I hope that the two of you see a good marriage counselor ASAP..with the #1 goal of learning how to communicate with one another effectively.
     
  15. farmergirl

    farmergirl Well-Known Member Supporter

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    You mention being depressed. Lack of interest in sexual activity is a common symptom of depression. I don't have alot of info to go on here as to your particular situation, but I'm wondering if your depression is the underlying problem. Sometimes depression is situational, meaning you are depressed because of something that's MAKING you depressed. Sometimes it's just a chemical imbalance in your brain that's organic in nature. Speaking from personal experience, most of the time that I feel "turned off" and not into getting together with my husband it's because there's something that's unresolved between us....maybe he said something that hurt my feelings, but didn't even notice, maybe I feel like I'm doing more around the house than he is. My point is that you need to come to the bottom of what's going on here. Is this purely your problem or is it something that's going on with you because of an underlying relationship issue?

    just my 2 cents
     
  16. Ardie/WI

    Ardie/WI Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Talk to him about this problem. Make him a deal-tell him he can have all the sex he wants IF you have one or two climaxes before he does.

    I hope I'm not being too graphic.
     
  17. fantasymaker

    fantasymaker Well-Known Member

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    ARE YOU CHEATING ON EACH OTHER?

    By this I mean are you guys not doing the work it takes to be married? Are you going outside the relationship to get things you want and need?
    It seems like there are things you want that for some reason you are not doing the work to get. By that I mean negotiating something fair to both of you. Look at it this way you have sex that he wants. What does he have you want? A backrub? candles? the floor moped? What ever it is you both need to work a deal that you both can walk away from thinking " I got the best of that!".
     
  18. culpeper

    culpeper Well-Known Member

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    Two things are wrong here. One is you, and the other is him. You aren't even on the same page. You haven't told us how often you say 'No', but you do have the right to say it, and he has an obligation to respect it. If you don't 'oblige' him, say, once a week or so, then you need to look into the reasons you don't want it (him - same thing). A patched up marriage is a lot like a patched up pair of jeans - you'd never wear either of them for best.

    'Giving in' is not to be confused with 'giving consent'. By giving in, you are simply acquiescing in a rape to prevent further trouble, and you're confusing him as to the meaning of the word 'No'. He already has a big problem understanding this tiny little word, and you're not making it any easer for him. He's reading it as 'definitely maybe if I persist long and hard enough'.

    Definitely, you need to discuss this with each other, and preferably with a counsellor. Don't forget, however, that if you don't really love this man (which is different from having him around because you made vows or have children together, or because he's become a habit with you), then counselling won't save your marriage.

    Still, whatever reasons you have for wanting to continue in the marriage, it's got to be worth a try to work this through. Just remember that BOTH of you have to work at it. It takes two to tango.

    Edited to add: the shouting and yelling after your refusal is a form of abuse that you shouldn't have to put up with. It can easily lead to more physical forms of violence - as if rape isn't enough for you. You both need to face up to this. It's rape you're getting. It doesn't have much to do with sex - it's a power game, and he's winning, and you are at risk.
     
  19. frazzlehead

    frazzlehead AppleJackCreek Supporter

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    YES.

    This is the core of the problem: this isn't about what it looks like it's about.

    This is why the whole thing is actually a very serious problem - it's NOT about him not "getting his needs met", or you being "uninterested", or having different levels of 'needs' or 'wants' or 'desires'. If you were just plain uninterested (often part of depression), he'd do his darndest to find out what it took to GET you interested again - not bully you into compliance with his wishes. Refusing to hear no in one area is a sign of refusal to hear no in other areas ... and THAT is not okay.

    Get help, please. It can get very very ugly - and sometimes, when it does, we've allowed ourselves to be beaten down to the point that even though we realize things are well past the point of "a problem" and into "serious trouble" we haven't the strength to get out or get help. Please get help now.

    Just because you have no bruises doesn't mean you aren't being hurt.
     
  20. Jan Doling

    Jan Doling Well-Known Member

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    You have 3 kids, one of whom is a baby and he gets angry when you say "no"? How much of the bedtime chores is he performing? Who does dinner, serving, table clearing and washing up? Who does baths, homework, bedtime stories, prayers and tucking-in? Who gets all the next day's clothes, food, teacher-wants-this-signed stuff, etc. ready before bedtime? If he wants nooky, he needs to do 50% or you will definitely be way to tired and not want to be touched by anyone...not even the ever-loving hound puppy! There needs to be some give-and-take and lots of communication for this deal to work.