How would you feel??

Discussion in 'Countryside Families' started by SandyB, Dec 19, 2006.

  1. SandyB

    SandyB AKA Southernbelle32

    Messages:
    153
    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2006
    Location:
    Florida
    Please give me some advice on how you would feel. Right know I have too many pregnant homones to know if I'm wrong for feeling the way I do.

    I married Mike 5 1/2 years ago along with 4 of his children. The oldest is a mommas boy but moved in with us after his mom wouldn't let him move home after and short time in the military, he's been here not even a year. Then Michelle who has lived with us almost since we married because her Mom thought she would do better here with us and she has. She doing better in school etc. The 2 youngest we see every month or so since Mike and his exgirl friend don't see eye to eye on things.

    Well Michelle told me before we got married she would never call me mom as she only has one Mom and I'm cool with that. She gives me mothers day cards and letters telling me how special I am to her and what I difference I have made in her life etc.

    Well she has had a boyfriend for a little over a year and has gottren close with his grandmother. She pasted away last Friday and so me being brought up to bring food to the house I made a giant pan of baked ziti, a salad and garlic bread.

    My sister and I bring it over to her BF's Moms house and since MIchelle is already over she meets me at the van and helps bring in the food. as we walk in she says "mom where do you want us to put this food?" It first didn't hit me then she is intraducing My sister and I to everyone "and this is Sandy" When she intraduces my sister to his parents it's this is Mom and Joe" It was almost like a slap in my face.

    She can call this women who has not cared for her or loved her like I have her mom but yet I'm just Sandy??? It really bothered me all today at work so I tell Mike how I feel and he's just like it's no big deal you know how she feels about you yada yada yada yada. I'm like I can see it now they get married and she will say meet my Mom and Tim (her step father) and this is daddy and Sandy and this is Mom and Joe. It just feels like she has forgotten all the love and things I have done for her. We have had many talks before I got pregnant and I would tell her she is my only daughter. We had given up ever having a child so she is my first child in my eyes! I've raised her and help shape her into the strong person she is versus the weak person she was before she came to us.

    Mike say's I should tell her how I feel but I don't want her to start calling me mom jsut because she thinks she has too. Am I wrong in feeling the way I do?? Sorry this is so long!
     
  2. Alice In TX/MO

    Alice In TX/MO More dharma, less drama. Supporter

    Messages:
    31,399
    Joined:
    May 10, 2002
    Location:
    Texas and S. Missouri
    Here's what I do. Figure out the thought that's causing you stress.

    "She shouldn't call her mother MOM and me SANDY."

    Ask yourself....Is that true? Can I really know if it's true?

    Then ask...How do I feel when I believe that thought?

    Then ask....How would I feel without that thought?
     

  3. donsgal

    donsgal Nohoa Homestead

    Messages:
    5,398
    Joined:
    May 2, 2005
    Location:
    SW Missouri near Branson (Cape Fair)
    Gee, any chance that this lady's given name is actually "MOM"?

    I didn't think so.

    Obviously, she is hoping that BF will want to marry her thus making his mom her mom-in-law by marriage. She is hoping that if she calls her "mom" enough times around him that he will get the hint.

    I worked with a lady once who would not let her teen children call her MOM in public because it made her feel like everybody would think she was OLD to have a teenage child. Everybody has a different point of view.

    donsgal
     
  4. Melissa

    Melissa member

    Messages:
    23,498
    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2002
    Location:
    SE Ohio
    I think it would hurt a person's feelings. But you know what, she is young and people often don't think. Give her a chance by explaining how hurt you were. Honesty is the best policy. Most people don't do very well reading minds...
     
  5. hassette

    hassette Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    193
    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2006
    Location:
    central FL
    I agree. I think her calling his mother Mom is more a product of her relationship with him than with his mother.

    I personally can't stand that. My MIL has been after me for years to call her Mom and FIL has hinted he'd like me to call him Dad. Sorry, not going to happen. I had a Mom and a Dad who loved and raised me and I feel it is disrespectful to give those titles to anyone else.
     
  6. frazzlehead

    frazzlehead AppleJackCreek Supporter

    Messages:
    3,717
    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2005
    Location:
    near Edmonton AB
    I can see why you'd be hurt.

    Let's see if I can give a possible alternative perspective:

    It might be that you are actually too close to a "real mom" for her to give you that title. I mean, you raise her, as much as her birth mother does. The BF's mom is just a person who is in a kind-of-mother-position, so in her mind maybe it's one of those "well OBVIOUSLY I don't see HER as anything like a real mom, so everyone will just KNOW I don't mean anything by it".

    I hope that is coming across the way I mean it to, it's hard to write. You being mom is just too much like the real thing. A 'new person', well, that's just a 'convenient title'.

    I agree that you should explain why it hurt. Doesn't mean she'll change her habits, but she may at least be able to explain herself in a way that eases your stung feelings a bit.
     
  7. MWG

    MWG Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    688
    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2006
    Location:
    Lincolnton NC
    Do you call her your daughter? If not, start doing that and see what happens.

    1) If she is not calling you mom on purpose, it will drive her nuts!

    2) It might show her that you see her as a daughter and reinforce the feelings you have for her. A lead-by-example sort of thing...

    And yes, I would be hurt. I wouldn't let her know it until I could figure out why she wasn't calling me mom... or, if you are loosing sleep over it then jsut ask her. Something like, I have treated you as my own daughter and yet you call other people mom. That hurts my feelings because... and tell her exactly why it hurts your feelings.

    Just some thoughts....
     
  8. travlnusa

    travlnusa Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,245
    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2004
    Location:
    WI
    It would be my guess she is using the term "mom" to the other lady as a nickname, and you are looking at the term "mom" as a definition of emotions.

    I would say jet let it go, but as a guy, that is my answer to just about anything.
     
  9. Laura

    Laura Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,223
    Joined:
    May 10, 2002
    Location:
    OlyPen
    I agree, it's probably a nickname. I know many women who, when introduced to young people will say to call them Mom or Grandma because that is who they are in the family.

    Be thankful you are not introduces as, "My dad's wife."
     
  10. DenverGirlie

    DenverGirlie Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,187
    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2005
    Location:
    Evergreen, CO
    It's just a nickname. I had friends that when I go would to their house I would end up calling their mother, "mom" in the house. In no way did I view her as my mother, but that is what she was called, even her husband would call her "mother".

    it's also a way to ingrate herself into that family. No reflection on you.
     
  11. Tricky Grama

    Tricky Grama Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    31,762
    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2006
    Location:
    N. E. TX
    Just shows immaturity on her part. She is calling his mom 'mom' to impress them both and possibly to get your goat.

    I'd ignore it. BUT-you have a right to be hurt!

    Patty
     
  12. fastbackpony

    fastbackpony Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    207
    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2006
    Location:
    Kansas
    I agree with some here: Mom can be a nickname - your name is how she started addressing you many years ago, and is what she associates the love she has for you. Your name is more valuable to her than the little nicknames she can give to her friends mom's. Like when you take your child to the hosp. and the nurse says "sign here mom" its not a big emotional value thing, just a nickname.

    I also called all my friends moms "MOM" when i was over at their house's, they were the MOM of the house after all. and no, i did not feel any motherly attachment to any of them. friendship maybe / like my own mother ? ? NO.

    something else to throw in - the BF may have said - this is my mom (big long difficult name) all my friends just call her mom. or she'll like it if you call her mom. and the girl felt like that was the path of least resistance. most girls do plan on their boyfriends marrying them someday, so they almost always try to make a smooth path w/future MIL.

    my guess is when she thinks of you - and all the love that goes with it - your name is MORE than a handle, its you ! Also, if her real mom and her arn't so tight, the mom thing may not carry as much weight as it did when you were little. she knows who loves her, and you'd be the first one she'd go to (i'm guessing) when she needs a real mother to talk to. cheer up ! :)
     
  13. MarleneS

    MarleneS Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    5,553
    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2003
    Location:
    Arkansas
    No you are not wrong and neither is your daughter, or if you prefer you husband's daughter :)

    Perhaps you would feel better if she could explain to you that she is not comfortable calling you Mom, Mommy, Mama, because that makes her feel that she is being disloyal to her birth mother. She has been made to feel excepted and welcomed by her boyfriends family. It's likely she's either looking to the future with the hopes of marriage, and is more comfortable calling his mother mom then "mom-in-law", and this does not feel like being disloyal to her birth mother. Or perhaps the boyfriends mother requested that she call her Mom, and she didn't wish to make waves there?

    Go re-read all those cards and notes and such where she shares her feelings for you - that's more important then what she calls you right?

    Hugs
    Marlene
     
  14. almostthere

    almostthere Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    989
    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2003
    Location:
    Indiana
    I am a step child. Its not an easy transitionm, to this day even tho I love that man dearly I can't call him Dad and he isnt offended. He knows I love him(going on 23 years now). Your stepdaughter has two mom's and she knows it. She loves you, but she is torn between two houses. Please dont take it personally; you never know what her biomom is saying to her. In my SIL's house, she is mom to her youngest 3, step children her dh has custody of. They have been married 7 years. She is "mom" to all and he is "dad" SIL's two from a previous marriage she has custody of. But in the little one's bio mom's house, they are not allowed to refer to SIL as mom, because biomom considers that an insult and would get hairy about it. If she wants to call you mom and can't do it near her other mom, maybe there's something else going on there. It doesnt sound like an insult to you, she's just trying to figure out what her place is right now.

    As always, just my 2 cents.
     
  15. via media

    via media Tub-thumper

    Messages:
    1,588
    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2005
    It's not a reflection of her love for you. She's had a hard road and is going through a very difficult time with the grandmother's passing. Use this time to support her.

    Let her call you anything she wants, as long as it's not something that would be edited by Melissa. :)

    /VM
     
  16. A'sta at Hofstead

    A'sta at Hofstead Turkey Wrangler

    Messages:
    5,193
    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2006
    Location:
    New Hampshire USA
    I have three step kids who I have raised for the past 7 years and have been in their lives for more than 10. The real "mom" is not a mother to these kids, I am. She is a junkie alchoholic who has destroyed her body with the booze and has to have her gallbladder removed and has pacreatitis. She does not provide support monetarily or otherwise.
    I refer to them as either son or daughter and as step son or daughter to teachers etc, because I am not yet married to thier dad and we do not share a last name. The kids call me by my first name.
    My neighbor saw my step son in the yard and said "tell your mom her headlights are on" He said back "she's not my mom" the neighbor told me this, as it bothered her knowing all I do for these kids. It hurt me. To make an issue out of me not being their mom really hurt my feelings more than I had thought it would. My dd 13 has started referring to me as mom at school I heard though.
    I feel your pain, but wouldn't make it an issue, I think the bf's mom must have told her to call her mom and of course Michelle will because she wants to marry her son.
    I would let it go. Have a cry and a bubble bath and go on.
    She loves you more than you can ever know.
     
  17. Dente deLion

    Dente deLion Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    948
    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2006
    Isn't it possible that the BF's mother insisted on "Mom"? Maybe your daughter tried calling her "Mrs. BF" and she said "no that's too formal," but then wouldn't allow her to use her first name, either.

    It just may not have been your daughter's choice at all.
     
  18. Jan Doling

    Jan Doling Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,898
    Joined:
    May 21, 2004
    Location:
    Zone 9b
    She doesn't call you "Mom" because that would be a threat to her biological mother. Her mother won't be threatened by her calling the future mother-in-law "Mom". You watch: the new baby will call you "Mommy" and the step-daughter will be jealous!
     
  19. Tracy Rimmer

    Tracy Rimmer CF, Classroom & Books Mod Supporter

    Messages:
    9,936
    Joined:
    May 9, 2002
    Location:
    Manitoba, Canada
    For many years while growing up, and into adulthood, I had an incredibly close friend whose house I was at probably as much as my own. Her mother was "Mom" to about eighteen kids who hung around with her children through high school and beyond -- she just was -- I don't think I even knew her real Christian name until I was an adult.

    It wasn't meant as disrespect to my own mother -- or a disregard for the fact that my mother was an AMAZING mother -- but just how she was addressed. My friends' grandmother lived with them -- SHE was "Mrs Brown" -- and it was in a time when none of us would have dreamed of calling her mother by her Christian name, even if we knew it.

    Titles don't matter -- it's what our heart sees that is important. Do you see your stepdaughter showing this woman that she FEELS about her as a mother, or is it the title that bothers you? Ask yourself whether a title used (or not) is the important part, or the relationship between the two people. You're the adult here -- and it's up to you to show your stepdaughter exactly how an adult reacts to situations which either distress them or disappoint them.

    And I strongly suspect that, in your heart, you'd love for her to call you "Mom" -- whether you're "cool" with her not doing so, or not. Don't let your disappointment over the use of a word damage your relationship with her -- it's just not worth it.
     
  20. SandyB

    SandyB AKA Southernbelle32

    Messages:
    153
    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2006
    Location:
    Florida
    Thanks for the advice everyone!! And of course since the day we married she has been and is introduced as my daughter Michelle, not step daughter. I really hate that word because when I married their father I also married them as my own children and let them know it all the time!!

    I will take Melissa's advice and talk to her in a couple days when it's not so fresh and I don't want to bawl my eyes out!!!

    Her real Mom and I are actually pretty tight I can get along well with her because she realized that it was better for her daughter to be with her father and I. Her Mom has had to stand up to bullies in her family that couldn't understand why she would let her move in with us when in fact at her Mom's home she was a total wreck!

    I'm getting the feeling that she's just doing it becuase as many has said it's a way to get tighter with the boyfriend!! But it still doesn't make it feel any better!!! :Bawling:

    Thanks so much!!!!!!!!!!!!