How to take your life back

Discussion in 'Homesteading Questions' started by Jena, May 19, 2005.

  1. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

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    Here is an update. I have gone to numerous attorneys, both for divorce and BK. All advice is the same...file chapter 7 and walk away, with or without the divorce.

    I spent a long time in the dark. Thoughts of suicide...even seemed rational for awhile there...thoughts of homicide, many thoughts of arson. Don't want the insurance, just want to "get even". Stupid.

    I felt totally powerless, that I could do nothing while hubby really did do nothing at all to solve this. Not a freaking thing. Trapped, desperate, frustrated.

    I discovered yet another lie, a current lie. I lost it. I had him cornered in the bathroom. All I did was yell, but he was literally shaking in his shoes. He left and has not come back.

    Then I got good and mad and it occured to me that I own this stuff just as much as he does. Why am I sitting around waiting for him to make up his mind? Why am I trying to be nice? Duh.

    First stop was the sale barn. I asked them to put the bank's name on the checks. That ended the worrying about disappearing cows. He would be embarrassed that I told the sale barn people there was financial problems. Too bad, so sad.

    Next stop was the bank, where I presented a plan that includes selling everything I can, giving them the money. I asked them to lean on hubby to make him follow through. They aren't leaning like I wish they would, but they are leaning a little bit. They are taking the money and they are taking my phone calls, so I guess all is not lost.

    Next stop was listing stuff for sale. Sold a bunch so far, bunch more to go.

    I don't think I will make it, there's not enough stuff to sell. If the land goes for what they think, it will get paid, but otherwise, no way. HE has enough stuff, but he will not sell a single thing. Not a calf, not a cow, not an old rusty piece of junk in the pasture. Screw him. I will work until I pay every last penny. He can keep his dirty cows and his crooked equipment. I cannot pay his debt and that's the one in default. The Denial is a river in Illinois and those who are on it float right into involuntary bankruptcy. Good for him. I got out of that boat!

    When I get my first cow again....I'm naming her KARMA in his honor!

    I called the accountant to go over estimated taxes. He got mad and told me that I didn't need to call the accountant until the end of the year. Awwww...poor guy was embarrassed. too bad, so sad. I'm not asking him twice if he wants to go. My estimated taxes will be paid, he can take care of his own. Yes, I do intend to file separately. I even got the bank's permission to pull estimated taxes from sale proceeds FIRST. Bank isn't too bad, as long as someone is actually doing something. They understand the need to pay the IRS first.

    My cows get on a truck tomorrow. These are my girls, the foundation of my dream. Good, quality cows in their peak years. I will miss them, but dang cows are selling good right now! I got a good price from a good cattleman and they will be ok. Even the jerk was impressed, but then when I tell him to give me a list of his cows and I can turn those into cash too...do I get a list? Does he try to sell them himself? NO...nothing. Forget him.

    The guy who bought the cows, wants my bull too. My bull is over at his place. What are the chances of that bull actually showing up to be loaded tomorrow????? Guess I'll have to go find him myself.

    My life is still falling apart, but man do I feel better. I've had to tell so many people that I am going out of business, I had to TURN DOWN an opportunity to be a MAJOR newspaper! Dang that one killed me, but I sure do feel better anyways. I have had to look at the puzzled expression in people's eyes, watch as they tried to digest what I told them and listen to the sympathy, pity (they don't know who they are talking too if they think they need to feel sorry for me), and in some cases anger. Whatever.

    I am not being vindictive. I am doing what needs to be done. I am not spreading rumors about him, just telling the facts when the facts NEED to be told. If they don't need to be told, I don't say a word, but I'll be darned if I will let MY name get drug through the mud in order to protect his adolescent pride. Bite me.

    I do not know what will happen tomorrow. I do not know what will happen next week. I do not know where I will be in a month, a year or the rest of my life. I do know that I will not owe one person in this town a single penny when I am done. I will not owe anyone an apology for my behavior, because my behavior will be impeccable. I will not go down without a fight and I will do it with as much dignity and grace as I can muster and I never was all that graceful. I'll keep my mouth shut when I'm feeling spiteful, and open it up when I'm being disrespected. I will let the little things that others do, go, but I will explain every last thing I do to those that need to know. I am not going behind his back, I tell him every single thing I'm doing. I will not sneak, I will not lie and I will TRY not to blame. That last one is a hard one, but at least I confine it to the internet and my own head.

    So, I have taken back MY life and am making MY decisions. It feels good. It feels great. Master of my fate and captain of my soul and all that nonsense. I am still scared. It still hurts ALOT. I can see my cows in my mind and I can't imagine that I will never see them again after tomorrow. I feel like I need to give the new owner a personality profile on each one. I know them so well and they know me. Today they were standing around just sniffing at me. They NEVER do that. It's like they knew today was different. I still have a few yet to sell, but all the "main" cows....1007, 1055, 1004....yeah they don't have names, but each number has a cow face to go with it. I will cry, I know I will.

    Oh well. Got to be done if Karma (the cow) is ever to be and she will.

    Sorry to ramble, but this felt good to write. Better than contemplating my chances of death vs. serious handicap jumping off the silo.

    Jena
     
  2. countrygrrrl

    countrygrrrl PITA

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    Good for you, Jena. :)

    If this were a horse race, I'd be betting on you.
     

  3. AngieM2

    AngieM2 Big Front Porch advocate Supporter

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    Jena -
    now that you are MAD, and doing everything you can to make good on your part of the committments - YOU will be just fine. Probably bouts of madder than hades, but you will pull thru.

    Boy do I recognize the feeling and the not covering up for the other, but not necessarily bringing it up, just cause.

    Good for you.

    Again - YOU will be okay.

    Angie
     
  4. Pony

    Pony Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Dear Jena,

    YOU ROCK!!!

    Sincerely,

    Pony!
     
  5. sancraft

    sancraft Well-Known Member

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    Girl, I know how you feel. I lost everything because of my ex DH. Now my daughters and I are facing homelessness in 12 days. We have to leave where we are and have wooded land to go to. I don't even have my camping equipment because ex sold it without my knowledge. I had enough to live indefinately. Oh well, if we have to live in the car, we'll live in the car, but at least we'll be together. I'm sorry you had to sell your cows. Now that you're mad, you'll make something happen. Good luck.
     
  6. Mike in Ohio

    Mike in Ohio Well-Known Member

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    Jena,

    Good to see you standing on your 2 feet and dealing with things.

    You'll pull through this and then you'll get back on track. I have confidence in you because I've seen what you can do.

    Mike
     
  7. Elizabeth

    Elizabeth Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Jena, one quick question, and bear with me because although I have read some of your posts I am sure I have missed some as well, so don't have the whole story-

    but, you keep referring to "your" cows and stuff, and "his" cows and stuff- well, if you are married to him, then you should own everything jointly. (um, unless, possibly, one/both of you is incorporated and some assets are owned by the corporation(s) instead of individually?) So, what is stopping you from selling "his" cows to pay off some of what I believe, is "his" debt, or debt jointly held?
     
  8. BCR

    BCR Well-Known Member

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    Jena and Sancraft--sending you good thoughts and know you will pull through.

    Jena-this is the place to continue to plan for that future dream and the new life you have ahead of you. Hang in there. I'd miss you if you weren't here. There's a successful farmer's market waiting for you once you are back in business, I know it.
     
  9. Philbee

    Philbee Well-Known Member

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    Wow, I'm awed by your courage and resolve. You go girl!
     
  10. Terri

    Terri Singletree & Weight Loss & Permaculture Moderator Staff Member Supporter

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    Jena, call your attorney PRONTO!

    In many states, half of his debt is YOUR debt at the time of the divorce. That means, they more of YOUR debt you pay off, the more of HIS debt will be assigned! And, you will have already sold your cows......
    :grump:
     
  11. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

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    There are separate assets and debts and joint ones. There is no corp., but I insisted on a pre-nup so his kids would feel better about the marriage, but he lied on that too! I could theoretically challenge that in a divorce action, but I don't want too. It really is his stuff and should be. Just like the debts that are his alone. I can't be made to pay those.

    One of the things I asked for at the bank was that they be sure that joint property that is sold be used to pay only joint debts. Some of his stuff is security for joint debt, like his cows secure our loan, but I still can't make him sell his cows, however, whenever they are sold, the money has to go to that cattle loan.

    I forgot to mention that I also called the state agency that guaranteed that loan. I told them that I really didn't feel the bank was doing enough to ensure the collateral on that loan since I was the one who had to go ask the sale barn to put the bank name on any checks. The man at the state was very nice and said he'd make a "routine" call, just to check on things.

    I just got a bunch of money wired to the bank for the cattle. The bank sent a notice that says they are holding that money "for loan payment only" so I guess that phone call worked :) I will have the bank apply the money to the loan as soon as the cattle are loaded and on the road. Don't want to do it before hand in case something weird happens and I need to refund a portion (cow dies before I get it on the truck or something).

    Jena
     
  12. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

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    I have been to the attorney, to many attorneys. In the event of a divorce, his debt is HIS. This is not a community property state. This is an "equitable" distribution state and I'm totally safe from his debt.

    Part of the reason I'm doing it this way is that I can't have any kinds of ties to him and his business practices. This whole operation could have been pulled back from the edge with tight management and smart decisions. I could do it, but not with him and his lying cheating ways. Once I sell everything and pay what I can...I can start over with stuff that is truly MINE and mine alone.

    My BK attorney does not agree with me, but he thinks I should just keep most of the stuff and file chapter 7. I am keeping careful records of what comes in and where it goes in case I do have to file. I'm basically doing what a trustee would do, but I'm not a court ordered anything, so it's a bit tougher.

    Jena
     
  13. Terri

    Terri Singletree & Weight Loss & Permaculture Moderator Staff Member Supporter

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    EXCELLENT! :yeeha:
     
  14. Bladesmith

    Bladesmith Well-Known Member

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    Jena, I'm proud of you. What you're doing takes more strentgh and courage than most imagine. And I know you'll find all the support you could ever want right here on this board. Hang in there!
    Sancraft, I'm so sorry about your situation. We ahve extra rooms here in our place, and were you closer, the door would be open. Bless you.
     
  15. amelia

    amelia Well-Known Member

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    Jena, I have missed all of the history on this and so don't have any grasp on the facts, however,

    Has it occurred to you to extract an agreement from the bank that, in exchange for your paying off your share of the joint debt, you will be released from any further obligation on it? That is something that many lenders would be more than willing to do, but it's not something that they're going to offer.

    Also (with all due respect to your very laudable efforts), I question the wisdom of your liquidating everything and throwing it at a debt which, according to you, may still end you up in a Chapter 7. Chances are that a good portion of the assets that you're using to pay down the debt would be exempt from liquidation in a bankruptcy. I hope you've considered that.

    P.S. There's a big difference between what you're doing and what a Chapter 7 trustee would do. Namely, when the trustee gets through, the debtor gets an order of discharge and a clean slate. That's something you can't achieve for yourself.
     
  16. Kygardengal

    Kygardengal Well-Known Member

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    To both Jena and Sancraft....I commend you both...been there, done that, unfortunately (1970s and 80s) The road will be tough, but YOU CAN DO IT ! !
    Having walked in your shoes, I can say that it will all be worth it in the end.
    You are coming from a position of strenghth because you are being proactive.
    You are in control, you make the calls and your future is in your own hands.
    The day will come when you will find yourselves "on top of the world"
    Best Wishes and many prayers to both of you....Congratulations on your upcoming successes.
     
  17. Jan Doling

    Jan Doling Well-Known Member

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    Jena:

    It may take a while but when you have him cleaned out of your life and can make your own choices, everything will start to shine again, I promise. I chose not to file bankruptcy either and am proud of you for having the gonads to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move onward. There will be more critters for you in the future and next time they will be all yours. Keep us posted. We are rootin' for you, girl! Too bad you nad sancraft can't join together and start a homesteading boot camp for displaced women!
     
  18. mysticokra

    mysticokra Well-Known Member

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    Your attorney may tell you that "his debt is his" but watch out for the IRS. If you have been filing joint returns and he owes them, then they will come after you.
     
  19. hollym

    hollym Well-Known Member

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    Jena, I don't know you, but I just have to tell you good luck, and how IMPRESSED I am that you are operating with the force, efficiency, and common sense that you are displaying at what must be a very upsetting time for you. Good job! I know that you will come up again just as fast as you are straightening stuff up now! You are obviously a force to be reckoned with, and just think what you will accomplish without your prior negative influences dragging you down!

    You do ROCK! As someone said.

    hollym
     
  20. cloverfarm

    cloverfarm Well-Known Member

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    PUtting the cows on the trailers ... wow, that hurts. (Been there with the milk cows) But it sounds like you are doing what needed to be done.

    Ann