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Discussion in 'Countryside Families' started by Speciallady, Jan 11, 2007.
When you don't have any money and don't know where to go?
A women's shelter.
It is a hard question and I am sorry you have a reason for asking. I left my ex with really nothing, the restaurant I worked at had a vacant storefront beside it and I made it into a little apartment, they were nice enough to help me out. I do have family who would have helped as well. What is your situation, do you have family, friends, anything to sell?
Depends on why you need to leave....more info would be needed before informed ideas can be given...
Sorry just looked at your past posts...I'm assuming your are wanting to leave because of the affair post....
Talk to friends,relatives,coworkers...women's shelters,churches.
Also look at what is yours....consider selling some stuff...
If you are not in danger, talk to a lawyer. If you are in danger, go the shelter route.
If there is no room in the shelter, and you are afraid of him, look up an old friend or a relative and ask if you can sleep on their sofa. Make certain you take your social security card with you. Get a job, and with your pay get an apartment. Yes, even if you haven't talked to them in a couple of years, your family will help if you are at risk. My sister was shocked that we all turned out to help her, but of COURSE we did! We were relieved that she had left him!
If you are NOT afraid of him, get a job and keep your paycheck and then move out.
I have felt the same way...at least now I have some money. Seriously, that was the driving force behind my business for about 6 hard-working months, the belief that I was going to leave my DH and needed my own money. I set up my own business account his name is not on.
Talk to a lawyer. If your DH is at fault (judging from the other thread, he is) HE is the one that has to pay legal fees, not you. What's more, you may be able to make HIM leave, not you.
I agree with the above posters... if you feel like you're in danger, go to a shelter if there is one anywhere near you. There should be a hotline in your state you can call and get information.
There is a big difference in what you'll be able to do if you're in the "I'm planning on leaving what is your advice" stage vs. the "I have to get out right now!" emergency. If you have planning time you want to move deliberately and carefully to protect yourself and that which rightfully belongs to you. If you've got an emergency, getting out with only the clothes on your back while you "walk the dog" may be prudent.
Your first consideration is for yourself and your children.. then there is the matter of any other living things, like pets, that depend on you and might be used to hurt you. Protect the living first. If you have a legal right to one of the vehicles you might want to make sure you also have the only keys to that vehicle. If you have joint credit cards you may want to have yourself removed from them if at all possible. Any retirement account that are tax advantaged are generally in your name only, but they can be tapped (with penalty) for cash if you need it. Likewise you may have cash value in a life insurance policy.
As for the "where," again, that will depend on whether or not you fear for your safety or that of your kids, and how flexible you are with regards to employment. Hopping on a bus and heading "somewhere" isn't completely out of the question if you're young and unencumbered. Not so easy if you've got small children.
If you have time, try and amass a something in cash savings to cushion your departure, even if it means selling off things you don't "need." If you are going to be making hard decisions about what you can take with you consider giving sentimental items to family members or trusted friends. If he misses the figurine (or whatever) that belonged to your grandmother you can tell him (truthfully) that your friend so admired it you gave it to her. Or it was "my sister's turn to have it." Whatever. It is out of there and safe. If you are really going and it is an emergency take your best clothing and arrange the rest so it looks like nothing is missing. No man I've ever lived with would have noticed my good sweaters missing from the drawers but if my jeans were gone.. those they might notice.
Some things are incredibly inconvenient and surprisingly expensive to replace. Consider stashing a box in the trunk of your car (or under the seats) in which you can tuck towels, sheets, soaps, etc . Think (as they would in the Self Reliance forum) "bug out kit," where you're leaving for a period of time and will need supplies. Consider taking with you what you can from your kitchen. And for heaven sakes, if you have children, take toys (!).
Again, if you have time, consider packing things up that you've "outgrown" or "don't need any more." Give them to a trusted friend for storage.
In short, if you have time to move out slowly and stealthily without endangering yourself, certainly do so. If you can make him go and keep the house it would be preferable, but it doesn't sound like you've got that option. But if you're starting from "nothing" you need to move as many assets with you as you can... cash and tangible goods... being smart about it as you do it.
I didnt have time to sneak over a long stretch, so I waited till he was dead drunk one day-called my parents. They brought a uhaul trailer over and we took everything but the bed and sheets he slept on while he was passed out. Most of it was sold to help pay rent on the room they helped me find that day. I had no kids at the time, so it was a little easier. I could have put it all in the shed and gone home with them, too, if I had wanted to. Talk to your minister -- everything u say to him is confidential. Arrange to put things in storage while he is at work. Start separating your assets, on the qt. Make arrangements for your livestock to be cared for by someone else after you leave. Odds are, if you actually go, he will bolt. He won't want the work of caring for the homestead and the livestock while trying to romance the new girlfriend. Manure is not a romantic aroma. If he goes, u get your place back.
If you can talk to him at all, mention in passing that maybe he would be happier somewhere else. Maybe he will just quietly agree with you and move out. Wouldn't that be nice?
I don't have any suggestions...but I DO have prayers...going up on your behalf! (((HUGS))) girl! Be strong! BE SAFE!!!!
Family and friends, I would say.
I have no other suggestions, just prayers and good thoughts.
Also, I am going to give my husband a tighter than usual hug when he comes home tonight.
Why should you be the one to leave?
My SIL is going through it right now and she went to her pastor. She was beat up by her DH and they took her and her 2 girls in. She wanted to find an apartment but they want her to stay for a while more because they are afraid for her.
So sorry you are going through this. I went through it almost 10 years ago..my ex had an emotional affair with my best friend (laster became a physical affair) so I lost both my husband and best friend.
What an awful time... will pray daily for you.
Hey Girl how about your Mom or maybe your DS? You've been alone before,you can make it work.I have faith in you.
Plus why do you have to leave you have the kids? :shrug:
Based on the following post at the "Affair" thread that she started, I'd guess that Special Lady is asking the "where to go" question for someone else....
CF I might be wrong but I think she is letting on like it is someone else.She knows too much as to what is being done and said.
I'm praying for all involved
Pack all the birth certificates, social security cards, passports and medical records. Get a stash of medicine if you take any. Also pack up medicine for the children, even cough syrup is $. Family treasures packed (you will teasure them after you get settled) and at a friend's house or other (storage unit). Take nice clothes so you can interview for jobs. Get your own checking account and get as much as you can in your name. Take things out a little at a time so not noticed same with $, a little tucked away at a time. This advice is if you have "time" to do these things.