How do I get my point across?? (wife rant)by the way... kinda mad

Discussion in 'Countryside Families' started by allenslabs, Dec 15, 2006.

  1. allenslabs

    allenslabs Saanen & Boer Breeder

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    K all....... this is gonna sound like a really evil wife thing but how in THE WORLD do I get my husband to understand that I HATE chewing... I mean loath and dispise. I know that there are those out there that do it.... fine more power to ya... it's just a thing i hate. My real dad chewed and that's the main thing I remember and he also did drugs, let my step dad adopt me cause his stripper wife turns out was Bi and so I guess that just turned me off all chewing or smoking of any kind. I don't mind a beer every once in a while but hate chewing or smoking. His dad died of lung and lymph cancer and so did his grandpa and my grandpa and UGH! How dumb does he need to be?!! I have told him I hate it, poured his spit and full can of chew all over a bunch of tools he used and just chewed him on it and get fully enraged. He says he doesn't do it very often and I don't care. I don't care I don't want it on the place, in a truck on the place or really people chewing or spitting on my place in front of my kids. It's MY place. He says he could do worse stuff like go to bars, beat me, yell, be a bum and lots of stuff and I say I could too. I coud think of lots of stuff. Thing is he wouldn't care if I smoked or chewed or drank. So really the only leverage I have is I could easily find someone to ya know.... "use" but just ain't like that. That is the only thing I could do that would upset him. But ain't quite ready to stoop to that level.... :rolleyes:
    ANY IDEAS!?!?!?!?! I'm so annoyed. I'm about to bring out the "pyschyatrist" guns..... we saw one for a couple months with great success last year. And he knows I have nothing on him...... I do feel better that tonight I went to get something out of his truck and saw a cup with about an inch of "slime" in it and "accidentally" knocked it over in his seat. I hope that in the morning when he slides in to his truck and it's dry but still smelly he enjoys people wondering if he bathes as he walks around the hospital where he works. HAHA! Didn't make me totally unmad...... but it helped some! HAHA!!!
     
  2. SignMaker

    SignMaker Well-Known Member

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    Well, maybe just a little. :drillsgt:

    So, is that true? If so, is it really worth fighting over?

    Whoa there! Before you go all :viking: on him, can we examine the comments you make regarding "MY place" , "MY kids" & "My place"(again) ?

    Didn't you say that this was your husband? If everything is yours then I totally agree that you guys need to see a counselor. A marriage should not be a his and hers deal. It should be a 'our" kind of a thing.

    This is very true. Not a great defense but true. Of course it is akin to a thief saying "At least I didn't kill anyone". I prefer more inspired defenses. :)

    Sounds a bit like you are not that way but that you almost wish you were. Now, that is a heavy statement for me to make and it may not be justified but, I am just saying that it kind of sounds that a way.

    Good! I am pro marriage and I would hate to see this go from dipping to skinny dipping. :)

    Go. By all means, go!

    Since you asked, I responded. I am not trying to be hurtful. I think that you should pick your battles and make sure that this is worth dying (metaphorically speaking) for first.
     

  3. AlaOutlaw

    AlaOutlaw Well-Known Member

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    First off he's your husband not your child. I'm assuming he is a grown man right? If so you have no right getting in his things and pouring spit on them just to be vindictive. Marriage doesn't work like that. You don't own him even if everything in the marriage is yours. If it is such a problem that you actually consider going outside the marriage to hurt him then maybe you should run him off of YOUR place. I'm surprised he hasn't left on his own if that is the way you treat him. Perhaps the psychiatrist isn't a bad idea. It really sounds like you have some issues you need to deal with.
     
  4. Wildwood Flower

    Wildwood Flower Halfway, OR & Wagoner, OK

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    Sounds like the psychiatrist visit would be good for you. You have some unfinished business with the Dad/StepDad thing. And I picked up on the "MY" house, "MY" kids thing too. You might do well to change it to "OUR" home and "OUR" family.

    My dear woman, if all this guy ever does is CHEW a little, you should be counting your lucky stars.

    I'm sure YOU have a few habits that are quite unappealing to him too. That's life.
     
  5. olehippy

    olehippy Well-Known Member

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    I'm posting about my dh quitting snuff not agreeing with your methods at all. As a matter of fact there is no way my husband would have ever quit if I had used your tactics. But since you asked about dh's quitting mine did after probably 20 years or so of dipping.

    My only issue with him dipping were the health risks. We both came from a time when chewing/dipping were considered the safe alternative to smoking. Now we know they are not.

    He quit many many times and always started up again. The last time he quit was about 5 years ago and it seems to have "took" this time. He will admit he still craves it esp. when around others who are dipping. But it seems with age he has realized that the health risks outweigh the desire for tobacco.

    I only hope he never starts again.

    If I were you I'd stop the things you are doing concerning the dip. It will only drive a wedge in your marriage. You are causing him stress/anger with your actions. And if he is anything like my dh stress/anger is when he really wanted a dip more than ever. I believe what you are doing is backfiring.
     
  6. cricket

    cricket Well-Known Member

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    Reminds me of the song "I Wanna Talk About Me". Those kids may be his step-children but you allowed access and gave him the "daddy" title...so now they're "ours" rather than "mine".

    Second, the only time you can change anyone is when they're in diapers. Get over it.

    Third, I'd be surprised if he doesn't leave you in YOUR house, with YOUR kids, and YOUR vindictive little stunts. How mature is this? Really.

    If your post is anything like real life in your house, I feel sorry for the poor man.

    Yep, counseling may be the only option short of divorce.

    I don't mean to sound hateful or hurtful but I lived with this kind of crap for a very long time. It does nothing to help the situation, I promise and it only makes it worse. You're gonna have to learn HOW to fight. Raised voices, vicious retribution, and sabatoge aren't how you go about getting what you want.
     
  7. roadless

    roadless Well-Known Member Supporter

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    My dh is 5 days off of chew...(and I am 8 months off of smoking).Tobacco is a POWERFUL drug, studies suggests it is as difficult if not more difficult to give up as herion. I was very concerned for my dh's health as he is mine, but as was mentioned I am his wife not mother and quite frankly I have never got him to do anything by making demands, thats not my style and he would dig in deeper for general principles! What I did do was to let him know if and when he wanted to give it up I would do anything possible to help which I did... I bought him patches, candy, made his favorite dinner, I don't bring up distressing news unless I absolutely have to. I give him as much support as I can. .What is also tricky is the more stress your dh feels the more he would crave the tobacco so it could be your demands may actually increase the behavior you want to go away.(I have learned a while ago that when I point one finger out at another that I have three pointing back at myself) If my hard working, hard loving man can't find support with me in this difficult task it would be very sad indeed.
     
  8. DenverGirlie

    DenverGirlie Well-Known Member

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    Did he chew when you married him? What makes you think you have the right to change him?

    Sorry, not much help here. This seems to be your problem and not his. Finally, sinking to childish behaviors like dirting his tools and the truck seat is NOT the way to speak about things rationally.

    It's time for YOU to grow up, your children are learning by your behaviors. Is that what you really want to teach them? That it's okay to have a temper tantrum and ruin people possessions because you are not getting your way?
     
  9. Terri

    Terri Singletree & Weight Loss & Permaculture Moderator Staff Member Supporter

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    OK, he has a bad habit. So do all men. His bad habit is no excuse for your bad behavior: you really DO have something ELSE that is gnawing at you! And, you need to talk to a counselor about it before your husband decides he does not trust you.

    You are trying to sabatoge him at work? The thought of an affair to bug him has even CROSSED your mind? Girlfriend, you need to TALK to somebody!

    Chewing is a dirty habit, and my husbands uncle died from it. Throat cancer is an ugly way to die.

    Your concerns about him chewing is dead on. What you are doing about it is not.
     
  10. big rockpile

    big rockpile If I need a Shelter

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    Did he Chew when you married him?

    When my wife married me I chewed,Smoked,Drank,Drove fast,got in Fights,and chased Women.But that was one thing she liked about me,being the Bad Boy.

    But it caused problems,because she grew tired of it and she thought she could change me.The only thing that Changed me,getting throwed in Jail,having to go to the Hospital because of Health Problems.But it was me changing me,not her.

    Oh by the way I swollowed.

    big rockpile
     
  11. Ardie/WI

    Ardie/WI Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I'm not touching this one.
     
  12. DAVID In Wisconsin

    DAVID In Wisconsin Well-Known Member

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    Glad that I'm not married to you.
     
  13. tinknal

    tinknal Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Do the poor man the biggest favor anyone has ever done for him and hie thee to a divorce attorney.
     
  14. Bink

    Bink Well-Known Member

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    Go ahead and divorce him. Everyone will congratulate him on finally ditching the crazy woman, and maybe he'll find someone who appreciates him. He might even be so stress-free he quits chewing.

    You can find a nice man who doesn't chew or do anything else you dislike. Best of luck!
     
  15. Jenn

    Jenn Well-Known Member Supporter

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    allenslabs good luck you need it. You may need to change your attitude. You absolutely can not make a grown man bend to your will and your tactics are way out of bounds. Your attitude towards chewing may be very strong because of its associations for you; maybe counseling for you would help or maybe he could understand this about you and help you not be repulsed/disgusted by his habit by chewing somehwere sometime when you won't notice- and if he tries this no hunting to check on if he's chewing- he IS, he's just trying to protect you from the more disgusting aspects spit cup spitting etc.

    However if it is so distasteful to you why did you marry this man, or did he actually start after you married?

    There was a time in my life when I was breaking glass and in other ways throwing tantrums to get my DH to see that I was very unhappy and that something needed to change. Eventually we (me and my doctor, not my DH) decided this was postpartum depression and I got on medicine and counseling. The change DID occur- IN ME. I still to this day do not know if DH has changed at all, but he certainly no longer makes me angry like he did. I seem to have a better mindset and let off concerns/steam before they get to the glassbreaking stage. Also a few habits of his I dislike I calmly tell him why I dislike it and why I believe he should change once in a while when I notice the habit, but I no longer act as if I am the angry abusive mother catching a bad child at a sin, just as the helpmeet and best friend interested in what's best for him and our family.
     
  16. Ninn

    Ninn Custom Crochet Queen

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    contact someone at Reader's Digest in the archives office. They ran an article a few years back on a teenager who lost half his face to oral cancer from chew. I showed to my brother and he quit immediately. DH took a little longer. I straight up would NOT kiss him-AT ALL if that stuff had been in his mouth. Took him 3 weeks to quit and stay quit. Thats a loooong time to go without kisses. I wasn't puttin my tongue in his mouth with that crap!!! He still smokes, but is kind enough to use mouthwash after so he doesn't taste like an ashtray. Nice to know he still wants those kisses after 18 years. Good luck with your DH.
     
  17. SteveD(TX)

    SteveD(TX) Well-Known Member

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    Two thoughts on the matter:

    IF he started chewing after you got married, he owes it to you to try to stop.


    IF he was chewing before you married him, you owe it to him to STOP BEING A NAG.
     
  18. roughingit

    roughingit knitwit

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    I wouldn't marry or date a man who chewed or smoked. Dealbreaker. If he did this before you got married, then you knew what you were getting into.
     
  19. mama2littleman

    mama2littleman El Paso

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    I have one bit of advice for you, grow up. Your behavior is akin to a child throwing a temper tantrum and if I were married to you I would have divorced you a long time ago.

    Nikki
     
  20. Pouncer

    Pouncer Well-Known Member

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    Have to echo the other posters here on this one.

    As Dr Phil might say: How's that working for ya?

    It isn't. It's petty, and childish, and vindictive and you are punishing your husband for someone else's history. I don't care for people that chew, but I don't condemn them for their addiction either. Your biggest gripe seems to be that he is personally messy with this habit. So, provide him the means to be cleaner with it-and then work on getting yourself straightened out. Seems like you have been shouting so long at him (metaphorically speaking) that he's deaf to you. Says a lot about your marriage. JMO.