[Melissa]

I recently read, that according to a survey, second marriages are much happier than first marriages. I read this to my kids and one of them said, "Well maybe people should marry the second person first." That is one way of looking at it.

My thought was that in order to be married for the second time, one most likely had to divorce the first person. And one usually does not divorce unless the situation is pretty bad. So of course people would say the second marriage is happier than the first marriage, wouldn't they? :shrug:

 

[Guest]

If folks were happy in their first marriages there wouldn't be any second marriages would there.

.....Alan.

 

[WindowOrMirror]

Second marriages are not "happier", they are less miserable.

The first marriage knocks some hard edges off of each of us, and then WE are less demanding and picky the second time around. There is less opportunity for misery, and this is translated as "more happiness" by some.

If we are dedicated to our 1st marriage, and admit some personal responsibility for personal change, the number of first marriages that turn into second marriages would dwindle.

'course, that's just me

R

 

[AngieM2]

also, due to the stuff from the first marriage - a person may choose much more carefully the second.

Angie

 

[LamiPub]

I don't know I remember reading/hearing somewhere that second marriages have a higher incidence of divorce. To me a second marriage is harder because you both are older, more independent, set in your ways, and if there are children from a previous marriage that is even more areas needing worked out. You both come into with a bunch of personal baggage. I think it just depends on the couple and the time they are in life. Since I was widowed at a young age I was happy in my marriage and still young with my "rose colored, happily everafter glasses" on. I feel my second marriage is a good one too just different (no more rose colored glasses, happily ever after romantic illusions), but also more work (of course I am sure if my first dh lived we would have gone through many changes, challenges and growth over the years in that marriage too.)

 

[Dente deLion]

IMHO, people are still choosing to get married when they are far too young. Their personalities are not completely developed, they're still trying to figure out what they want life to look like, they don't know how to handle the thousands of bumps in the road because they've only had to deal with a dozen so far. Some of them haven't even held a job yet, much less one that can provide complete support. In a nutshell, they're still immature.

Ten or fifteen years down the road, when they are mature, and have established their job and lifestyle and priorities, they can make much more refined choices about who they want sitting beside them on the porch swing when they're 85 years old.

 

[Windy in Kansas]

Once a person goes through a marriage they rather quickly learn what attributes they want in a spouse, often by the lack of them in their spouse.

Naturally they seek out those attributes in a second potential spouse so therefore are often happier. They also know how miserable it is to go through a divorce, yet they survived the process. During the second marriage they now know that there is a way out rather than having a lifetime of misery or unhappiness so this also gives them a sense of ease which also makes for a happier marriage.

Marriage to the wrong spouse can be pure misery. Divorce is for sure but is finally put behind oneself and life goes on whereas in a miserable marriage it just continues.

Personally I think that marriage licenses should simply expire after a few years and are then renewable in say increments of 5 to 10. Of course that would be an immense problem where children and property are involved.

 

[Patty0315]

I was young and stupid the first time around. I thought I had everything figured out and was going to live happily ever after. It was not til I got older I realized I married an drunk like my Dad. But even then I was not going to give up . He had me believing all was my fault ...if only I did not ________ {fill in the blank} he would not drink and become abussive.

It was after I had enough and moved on that I realized I don't think I every truely loved him . Sad to think I spend 18 years with someone I did not really love. I thought I did .
But after finding my now husband I have found true love . I have found how a man should treat his wife and kids. The lengths he will go to taking care of them . I have found unconditional love. I have found my best friend. I finally feel safe . Ok dont puke he does still have faults

So I think there are many reasons why marriages fall apart and many reasons why the second time around can be so much better.


Patty ~ who hopes that wether you are on your first or twenty first marriage that it is a happy one.

 

[MicheleMomof4]

Your kids are wise Melissa.
I don't know if people are too young or if they are simply not taught about marriage. They go into marriage wanting to play house and are naive to what it takes. Also society tells them, you don't like the way he hangs his socks on the doorknob then DIVORCE him. My kids are taught that being married is hard work.
All this said, this is my second and last marriage. He will have to leave and divorce me , cause I don't plan on it.I made a life long choice the 2nd time but had no one to tell me what I needed to expect for the first time or I would have done what Melissa's kids suggested, just married the 2nd guy first.
God Bless,
Michele

 

[gardenmom]

I can only speak from personal experience. I spent 2 yrs. married to an abusive, lazy, dead-beat who left me when he decided marriage just wasn't for him.
The last 38 yrs. I've been married to the love of my life who is kind, hard-working, loving, and faithful. Wild horses couldn't drag me away.
I married the first time waaaay too young, but I was only 20 when I married the 2nd time so maybe age (at least, mine) wasn't a factor.
Last I heard my ex is still an abusive, lazy dead-beat who has been married at least 4 times and has kids all over the country. Maybe his age wasn't a factor either.
Anyway, I will be eternally grateful to him for leaving. He gave me the chance for a wonderful life.

 

[WindowOrMirror]

WARNING: Christian opinion ahead

Well, I guess my opinion is quite different from most. I think we are waiting far too long to get married. We tell our kids, "Wait for the 'right' person", and we tell them that because we think that if they line their lives up just perfect and find someone else that has, and they are "older and wiser" that their marriage has a better chance of success. Yup, it does. Around 2% better and that's pretty easy to attribute to the fact that at that age we're scared to lose our assets.

What we need to get away from is the concept that there is someone that is "right" for us. God doesn't spend His time creating perfect people for you and for me. That thought is the height of arrogance. God did that once, and Adam still messed it up (just like we would). What God has done instead is given us a set of rules and behaviors (obedience and responsibility) that - if followed - will allow any two people to have a marriage that is a little piece of heaven. If not followed... you do the math.

What we need is to be dedicated to our Lord first, and then find someone else who is too. We can't always gauge this completely, and we must have some faith as well. We can also "get screwed" by someone who seems to be dedicated and then falls away later in life... but in general, this approach works, even in the face of human frailty.

No, if you are NOT a Christian with a personal relationship with God, some of these rules STILL work and will provide for a decent marriage without God. Isn't God great!?

R

 

[Trevilians]

For me, my second marriage is much, much better than the first. My situation was very similar to Patti03115 except it only took me seven years to figure out the problem was all my fault.

I married my second husband when I was 28; he adopted both my children and we've been happy together for almost 30 years. One of the biggest improvements is I trust him completely. He's fair, honest, an excellent provider and we have basically the same fiscal attitudes about money. BTW, it was also a second marriage for him but with no children. It was a good day when we found each other.

 

[Chandler]

I don't know if people are too young or if they are simply not taught about marriage. They go into marriage wanting to play house and are naive to what it takes. Also society tells them, you don't like the way he hangs his socks on the doorknob then DIVORCE him.

I agree with this completely. I was 23 when I got married and my husband was 26 and, I think, our relationship is based on the relationships of our parents who have each been married for 35+ years.

I think that people go into marriage thinking they can change what they dislike about their spouse, which is just not possible. People only change if they want to change and constant nagging and nitpicking is only going to drive the marriage apart. I know that both my husband and I have changed over the years, but we have changed together and in ways that make us stronger as a couple.

I think another key to staying together happily is (and please take this with a grain of salt as I have only been married about 7 years) spending a lot of time together and really getting to know each other. My husband and I have always spent the vast majority of our free time together because we are both misanthropic to some extent. With that and our 1 1/2 hour commute together each morning and afternoon, we get a lot of time to discuss things both about our relationship and about things in general.

 

[Wildwood Flower]

I think more should be talked about openly with kids concerning marriage.

For instance, I openly talk about marriage with my granddaughters, and with my daughter too--she waited until after she was 30 to marry--and made a good choice.

For instance, I often tell them that the things they should look for are not necessarily good looks and charm--that wears off pretty fast. But watch them with kids, do they like kids? Watch how they handle money. Are they reliable, can you count on them? Are they loyal. Hey, if they're looking at other girls now, it'll likely never stop.

Nobody ever had these discussions with me when I was a girl, and I wish they would have.

Another thing we laugh about: Remember this, you're going to get old with this person--just like Grandpa and Me. Don't ever marry somebody if you wouldn't be willing to wipe his butt someday. They hoot and laugh about that!

 

[willow_girl]

Each of my 3 marriages has been OK, but the 4th one is gonna RAWK!

<---Willowgirl, who got roses yesterday from her hunny!

 

[big rockpile]

Well with my first marriage was happy on the most part.but we got into Swinging and Partying.I was trying to get away from this but my Ex wasn't.I could say this is why we split and divorced but in truth it wasn't.Truth being if she would have stopped and talked instead of trying to kill me every time she seen me we might have got back together.We was married for 11 years.

Me and my present DW have got into it a couple times to where it looked like we were going to split.But we have been together 25 years.

DW has been married twice before a year each.The first one was trying to get U.S. Citizenship.The second one she met through the Personals.He turned out to be a Child Molester.Thing is he lives across the river from where we live now.DW has said she has thought of being bad agaist him,but she just leaves be.I don't think he knows we are living here.

big rockpile

 

[MarleneS]

I suppose if you matured and learned from the mistakes of your first marriage and you did not take the same issues into the second one - your second marriage would be happier then you first.

If you didn't learn anything the first time around, you second marriage can actually turn out to be worse then your first....

And I'm now going to use my 5th Amendment rights....

Hugs,
Marlene

 

[holleegee]

WARNING: Christian opinion ahead

Well, I guess my opinion is quite different from most. I think we are waiting far too long to get married. We tell our kids, "Wait for the 'right' person", and we tell them that because we think that if they line their lives up just perfect and find someone else that has, and they are "older and wiser" that their marriage has a better chance of success. Yup, it does. Around 2% better and that's pretty easy to attribute to the fact that at that age we're scared to lose our assets.

What we need to get away from is the concept that there is someone that is "right" for us. God doesn't spend His time creating perfect people for you and for me. That thought is the height of arrogance. God did that once, and Adam still messed it up (just like we would). What God has done instead is given us a set of rules and behaviors (obedience and responsibility) that - if followed - will allow any two people to have a marriage that is a little piece of heaven. If not followed... you do the math.

What we need is to be dedicated to our Lord first, and then find someone else who is too. We can't always gauge this completely, and we must have some faith as well. We can also "get screwed" by someone who seems to be dedicated and then falls away later in life... but in general, this approach works, even in the face of human frailty.

No, if you are NOT a Christian with a personal relationship with God, some of these rules STILL work and will provide for a decent marriage without God. Isn't God great!?

R

I agree with you 100%

 

[Jan Doling]

Willow Girl:

Did the marriages get progressively better? (was #3 better than #2?) My 2nd was better than #1 and lasted 10 times longer, but was still far from a good marriage. I think I'll stop now as I don't seem to be good "wifey" material!

 

[Snugglebunny]

I am conflicted on the age thing for one. My grandmother dropped out of school to marry my grandfather - and they stayed married for 64 years even though my grampa was a jerk at times. They died a year apart.

My mother married the first time to (my bio father) an alcoholic & abusive dead-beat who couldn't keep a job. After 5 years of him leaving her they divorced. Her second marriage was at around 30 yrs old to the love of her life - my Dad.

Me? I am the one of three siblings who isn't divorced. Married for 8 years to the love of my life.

DH and I - in our limited experience - have determined that the quality of marriage is determined by commitment. When you marry - no matter what age - you must both be pledging eternal commitment to each other, commitment second only to your commitment to God. This commitment must be more important than yourself, your children, your friends, your career or your family. From that moment on, you are putting another person above yourself always.

If you aren't willing to do that - regardless of age - you're not ready to be married. If you do make that sacrifice, you will have a happy marriage since you are both committed to making the other person happy. It won't be easy by any means, but it will be happy.